And I Wonder ....

Inspired by my friend Lace who wrote to her father....I write to my mother

I know heaven is real for my mother watches over me daily. I know God is real for He has never let me down. I cannot prove His existence to a cynic nor can I give solid proof that doesn't completely coordinate to a cause-and-effect pattern the world runs on. I cannot touch Him but I can feel His presence. I cannot converse with him like I do with friends, but I know He always listens. I may not always be confident in His plan for me, but I can tell you this- in the end, I'm always taken care of. Through my friends, my family and invariably, through Him. He is a vengeful God. He is an ever loving God. He knows when to uplift my spirit and when I need to be guided because I have strayed. I never doubted Him ever since I accepted Him.

I know my mother is in a better place, and she is present in my daily life. She is now more than ever closer to me even though I can't lie in her lap and cry my woes away. I know she is more in tune with my feelings, with my soul and she understands. She doesn't scold, she doesn't judge- she just listens.

While my faith is stronger than ever, in my quest for more, I still sometimes wonder. I am regretful that I cannot do what she has done and continues to do for me to this day. I wish I could listen to what she has to say. I wonder if she would confide in me and I wonder if she would say that she regrets taking away something so precious. I wonder if she could, would she try one last time to reach out to me. This time I would not turn her away. I wonder how much her life would have changed had she had a daughter worthy of her. I wonder if she would've been happy if S.R. was her daughter - would she have made different choices? Would she have lived a happier life? I wonder sometimes, if she really CAN listen to me. I do hope and I pray that she can, for I have a lot to say. For I have a lot to make up for. For I have a lot of tears I caused myself and I have a lot of tears to take away from her because she has a lot of tears I have caused her.

I wonder, ma, if you can listen to me, if you can see me. I wonder ma, if you and amm-amma are together and if you wished we could bond more. I wonder if you are with all the women of our family wishing your descendants took more interest in our family history. For today, I only know the name of my Grandmother. For today, I only know about the itty bitty parts of stories you would start to tell us, before we got bored and cut you off. Or cringed because we would miss our TV sitcom that was going to start in the next 5 minutes. I wonder if you could, would you? I wonder if you wished your daughters would take the time to know you- to know our gramma and great gramma..and inevitably, know ourselves? Do you regret going away? Do you regret not wanting to stay? Do you regret not saying bye? Or would you do it all over again? Do you finally see my intentions? Do you finally see how much we need you?

I hope and pray you are happy. On your terms. I hope and pray you have everything you ever wished for. I pray heaven is just as great as everyone has said it to be. Because you deserve it.

While I sit here today, in my room (that you would most probably ask me to clean) wondering and questioning ...with a hint of doubt, something in me tells me you can listen. Something in me tells me you are here. Forever, with me. Living in me through Him. Something in me tells me this is what you would say to me:
Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow: I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumns rain. When you awaken in morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die.

(Before you send me messages telling me that I am a worthy daughter, that she is proud of me, be aware, that I know she is proud of certain aspects of me, but I also know what a worthy daughter is for I have recently seen her, and I, my loves, am no where close to it. Not for a long LONG time. Not toward the end not anywhere in the middle. I am aware of this and nothing anyone can say ...can convince me any different.. for only my mother and I know the nature of our relationship.)

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Why is it that one finds peace in the most difficult of situations? Why does clarity hit you in the midst of chaos and hurt? Why does one ultimately find more about love, friendship, stability, thickness of relationships- all in the lowest of times? Why is it that sometimes listening to songs stimulates you and sometimes the same song crowds your mind so much you feel suffocated and handcuffed to thoughts?

I miss...

• being excited like the night before a picnic or a big day
• the warmth of the sun kissing my skin
  
• kayaking on a hot summer day... the wind, the silence of the lake, the glorious rays of the sun
  
• meaningful conversations about nothing and about everything
• being able to run outside the house in shorts and a tank top
• our catch games we played on the playground from 7 am till 7 pm every summer
  
• being called for in between catch games only to come home and be served a nice hot plate of food
  
• the dust that covered every inch of my legs because of playing barefoot all summer long
  
• Holi as a child
  
• street dogs that knew me by my scent
• being able to see role models all around me
  
• being left alone
  
• company
• kittens that wrestled with my hand without leaving a scratch!
• curds rice being mixed to a perfection by mom ... and her spicy chillies to go along with!
• mountain biking by myself for hours on end...
  
• all the views that kept me company for all those hours
• being able to just...be
• warm samosas with tea every evening
  
• watching He-man right after church =)
• Sunday afternoon naps
• 110 degree weather
• being so ecstatic about my birthday!
• brown book covers at the beginning of every year
• the only person who knew me in and out-Nancy
• being able to whisper happy secrets in the ear of a trusted one

hehe I figured I'd be evil

Rutgersrulz (10:58:20 PM): Oh snap!! u got back with your ex?

FllnAngl (10:58:29 PM): yah

Rutgersrulz (10:58:31 PM): oh boy

FllnAngl (10:58:35 PM): aren't u with the black guy?

FllnAngl (10:58:36 PM):

Rutgersrulz (10:58:38 PM): nope

Rutgersrulz (10:58:43 PM): we broke it off a LONG ass time ago

FllnAngl (10:58:47 PM): good, you moved on

Rutgersrulz (10:58:49 PM): hell yeah

FllnAngl (10:58:49 PM): who are you with

Rutgersrulz (10:58:50 PM): lol

Rutgersrulz (10:58:52 PM): no one

FllnAngl (10:59:25 PM):

Rutgersrulz (10:59:32 PM): why ?

Rutgersrulz (10:59:35 PM): im happy as hell

Rutgersrulz (10:59:36 PM): lol

FllnAngl (10:59:38 PM): o wait

FllnAngl (10:59:41 PM): ur independent

FllnAngl (10:59:43 PM): and pro-woman

Isn't that right!

Your results:
You are Dark Phoenix

A prime example of emotional extremes: Passion and fury incarnate.

Who knew these silly surveys could speak the truth ;) She even looks like me... welll except for the stunning body lol. Dark hair with the red tint go baby go! Red and Black :-D Passion and Fury incarnate baby ;) We just go together. What can I say :-P

Icon

...that is so me!!!

I often have questions...seldom the answers

• What is the line between 'letting people be themselves' and letting a person you care for know his or her behavior is damaging their image and their relationships?
  
• In our world of constant acceptance and tolerance for everyones personality, when are these boundaries crossed?
  
• Whose responsibility is it to make sure these boundaries are not crossed? And if it does get crossed- who are we to tell so-n-so that such behavior is not acceptable?

Hypothetical situation... a close friend has a problem. This friend gets obsessed with this problem and cannot seem to move on. Is it wrong to be firm/stern with this person or is it wrong to just hang back and let them figure it out, all while you watch his/her life crumble away eroding all stability as s/he knows it?

• When does it become just plain wrong to intervene and when does it become just plain wrong to hang back? How many of us have gotten out of relationships because of a certain trait or personality of a person (physical, mental, emotional or personal alike) but just left it at "It's not you, it's me..." or some other lame excuse that was anything but the truth?
  
• Is it our responsibility as fellow human beings to let a person know his or her faults or should we take the divine words "Judge not, that ye be not judged" (Or somethin' to that effect :-P)
• Also, since it takes a village to raise a child, will it take a village to let a grown up know that his/her trait/behavior needs to be changed?
  

Tis the season....

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!:)

Some of my work....

I feel almost unworthy to put my work right after I posted works from such great artists like Maya Angelou and Langston Hughes... but none the less... heres a few from yours truly ;) (they're all copyrighted for real so don't be trynna steal em! lol)

Intimate Stranger

You sit there
judging every one
but too scared to
look in your own God damned mirror
Imperfect in your own perfect way
every scar on your smooth skin
every stubborn zit that won’t go away
the dark on your knee and the kink in your hair

Deeper
More imperfections
Love every
Single
One.

Rewrite history
Repaint your soul
Recreate creation
Replenish thirst

But no--
you are too scared
to look

in

your

own

GOD

DAMNED

MIRROR.

(c) Shirley G. 2/9/07

I AM

I am raw
rough around the edges
basics and foundation strong
nothin’ more nothin’ less

I hide my emotions
just as well as mother nature hides her wrath
in the storm or love in her womb or motherhood at its best
you see them on my face
reactions, love, tenderness, rage.

I am raw
rough and smooth at the same time
sure and unsure and so damn sure
all I know is I am confident in
my confidence in myself.

I am raw
rough but not aching to be smooth
Not me. Not I.
I am rough, raw and brutal.

Who Are You?

(c) Shirley G. 2/9/07

Ballad of the Prostitute

She sold her soul for what he liked
When he like shy she shy
When he like loud she loud
When he want down right nasty
She mold herself to fit the tasty
He wanted rough an’ rugged- difficult
--to achieve—a tie you down to make you mine
She wore masks to hide behind and she was
You can’t get me you can’t have me
You’ll have to rape me to take me.

He fancied it twice today
he wants a woman that can play
fit your role your role your role everyday
switch it and change it in a snap of a finger
and happily she filled them shoes to satisfy his hunger

The ballad of a prostitute you say?
ain’t you the one that went out
And got them Gucci shades
Because you saw the whointhewhatnot video?
or go to sunday school because that’s what good girls do?

Ain’t you the one who been on a diet
since you known you – been tryin’ to squeeze
Into that size 2 dress with a Barbie breast?
How many times you burn your head
to get that silky straight hair?

curlin’ iron, chemical peels, be the best
that watch, that house, that car, that intensity (not intimacy)
Don’t look down upon the ballad of the prostitute
You sold your soul for pleasure and affection
Each of us does for a different addiction

(c) Shirley G.2.9.2007

They went home....Remembering.

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They Went Home

They went home and told their wives,

that never once in all their lives,

had known a girl like me,

But... They went home.

They said my house was lickin clean,

no word I spoke was ever mean,

I had an air of mystery,

But...They went home.

My praises were on all men's lips

they like my smile, my wit, my hips,

they'd spend one night or two or three

But...

-Maya Angelou

Remembering

Soft grey ghosts crawl up my sleeve

to peer into my eyes

While I within deny their threats

and answer them with lies.

Mushlike memories perform

a ritual on my lips

I lie in stolid hoplesness

and they lay my soul in strips.

-Maya Angelou

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Exams are finally done and over with. It seemed to pass by in slow motion, but they're done. Finally. As soon as I got done with my last exam, I raced to the library, got myself a good book of poems and started reading. I missed reading to be inspired- so I read until my poor eyes begged me for mercy (at which point I got on here and started typing away, but shush!) :-P I read a few poems by Maya Angelou and I posted the 2 that really called out to me. Sadly, I couldn't spend more time dissecting more of her poems and didn't feel it would do them or me justice to slap some on here without true familiarity.

I had a friend read this poem. I figured it'd be interesting to see the reaction of "a guy's guy" to the works of this amazing being. He said it was a very beautiful poem, but the poet comes off too smug. Like there was nothing wrong with her she was perfect yet men didn't want to be with her. He said "For sure, there has to be something wrong with her- if there wasn't and she was, in fact, so perfect and amazing, why would she be manless?" Hmm. Interesting.

Meanwhile, I explained why the poem called out to me so much- a woman, no matter her caliber- will always have something "wrong" with her if she's single. It isn't about being smug or cocky or even full of one's self- Sometimes women just find the wrong guys (or the wrong guys somehow manage to talk a woman into being a complete buffoon). Once the relationship- whatever its nature, is exhausted, word vomit spews "Can we still be friends?..." You can take that and shove it up you know where.

Let me deviate, for a second here, and analyze the simple, yet complex statement often blurted out by males and females to lighten up a breakup. "Let's just be friends." What this statement really is saying is: While you generally are a good person, you're not good enough. You're not special enough. You just don't do it for me anymore. Or as Miranda Hobbes from Sex In the City once said "I'm just not that into you." Why is it so hard for someone to come right out and say it? Hey, Sorry I wasted your time, but- I've realized I'm just not that into you anymore. In which case, you don't need to be friends. What exactly is this sentence/ question supposed to do? Make a person feel better? Take the pressure off of the person? Make the person feel a little more dignified? Make them feel like they are just a little more in control? "Hey, you suck, but here's a consolation prize- you get to remain friends with me ;-) ..." Hmm thanks, I'll pass.

The second poem I love. It captures the past and the present and the future. I realized I can't really let past experiences bitter me up- lest they lay my soul in strips. =)

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I'm really going to miss the semester. I don't know what to do with myself this month. I mean, I have a few chores to do, a tiny plan that needs to get put into action- which is all going to happen. But I'm going to miss the stresses of school. (Yes, I'm a nutjob :-P I know) I am going to miss my Chemistry class the most :) I made such amazing friends through Chem- I look forward to next semester already! Meanwhile, in the present :-P I know I'm going to frantically read all the poems I possibly can and try to write a little more as well. So keep on reading! :)

---------------------------------

Needs no introduction... Just read.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

-Maya Angelou

----------------

And I am quenched.

Golden soul, stripped soul

It's been a long time since I updated, but meh.. :-P I doubt anyone reads this stuff anyways. I've been super busy with school and work lately which is a good thing. Wanted to update with a few things...School is goin' great! All A's in classes so far =) A slight chance of a B+ (Why does this sound like a weather report) but if I do good on this exam, it's a sure A =) My friends at school are really helping me through this time- school and personal issues alike. What would I do without you guys?! :) I love each and every one of you...Lami (my backbone), Henok(my smile), Lee (my hun neeyy), Carlos, Steph. Miriam (my support)! Work sucks. As usual...it isn't the work at all...it's the people... the lack of enthu and motivation is taking a toll on my own attitude, which isn't a good thing so I'm lookin for something better (aren't we all)

I've been so busy that I haven't had the chance to listen and enjoy my music lately. That makes me unhappy. I haven't been able to dance and that's just not who I am ;) (BUT! COMING SOON: Dance classes every Saturday WOOHOOOO!) It bothers me that there's such amazing talent out there that I haven't had the chance to listen to yet. I'm talking about soul music- Erykah Badu, Legend (ok, even though he talks about cheatin n bein a dog.... he's got some good stuff :-P) India, Floetry, Roots,Angie, Hamilton ... I need more of it! It's what really keeps me going! I bought Jill's new album and its defi amazing. My favorite song is the #17 on her CD. It makes me think :)

It also is gettin cold out. I hate the cold. I despise the cold. If cold was a physical being, I'd shred it and torture it and make sure it's DEAD lol I hate cold things. Even ice cream. I'd RREEALLYY have to be in the mood to eat it. I don't like the cold weather, cold pizza, cold metal, cold food (even salad! I actually heat up my salads... weird, I know), cold people... the list goes on. My list for pharmacy schools has narrowed down to the warm weathered states. I want to visit Cali and see if it's hot enough out there for me. I loved Texas. mmmm Perfect! except for the pretty beaches. Which is very important to me. You see, the weather plays a great role in my mood and temperament. When it's warm I'm happy, giddy, hyper... excited to do something new. When it's cold, I become a piece of lard. I don't move unless someone actively MAKES me move ;-p No, thinking doesn't count. Even though thinking is technically work (sodium ions moving against it's concentration gradient IS work :-D) my thinking never stops....

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***NOT my writing*** but I loved it....

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible. How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gasp and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together. Because people cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.
We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit." When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed
with the next hundred chores running through your head?

Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow."
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die?
Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....Thrown away...

Life is not a race. Take it slower.
Hear the music before the song is over.

Show your friends how much you care.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches will pull you down.

"A letter from Mother Earth"

She wrote to me today...
"Have you ever felt
like a piece of meat on display
in a meat market?
Just above the reach of hungry dogs
so close that
you can feel the heat of their bark
the stench of their breath?

All they want is a piece...
a nice chunk of your soul

Have you ever felt
like a piece of meat
being undressed and fucked
with one single degrading look?
Being raped by every version of imaginable
and unimaginable nasty being?
Being raped of your dignity,
respect- your worth, your wealth?

Left crippled and barren
with a womb that is capable
of only giving birth to stillborns

...All that is left is the carcass
of what once used to be my soul"

-Shirley Gadde.

Love is

"The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday."
-Baz

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I like the Sunscreen song... mostly because I know every word it holds is ...so true. So I was thinking about this part of the lyrics. And I'd always thought that maybe I just won't be able to have kids... but see, that problem is one too easy to solve. (Adoption.) So I thought what if I don't succeed in life? That ball kept rolling around in the tiny little mind of mine... would my 'real' problem in life be something that I could avoid? Something that is in my control? It would seem (logically) avoidable. So I thought what else could go wrong? (Death, according to me, is the least of anyones problems) Maybe I won't find love? Or maybe I do find it, but fail to recognize it until its way too late? I've always said "don't love the way YOU want to be loved...love the way the person you love loves.." I don't know if I read that somewhere when I was really little or if it's an innate value that I've always had...maybe that's what I learned in my past life that stuck with me in this one. Maybe I won't find a love that would love in the ways that I recognize? What if that's already happened? But I haven't loved yet ...I know this because I don't know what 'love' is. Yes, I have performed dutifully as a girlfriend. Above and beyond. But is that all love is? Performing ones duty; loyalty? I think not. It HAS to be something larger than life.

oye vey. This little head of mine...


Then I cut my thoughts shortly afterward because the more thought I put into it, the more I started convincing myself that this IS what my problem is going to be (heh OCD, you can say... I thought what if I DO find love but I fawk it up by all my thinking and convincing that I won't..what if THAT is the REAL problem?... hahaa) so you see, I am very close to driving myself insane :-P





"Would you come after me
if I was upset
Would you try to win me back?
Or would you go after another snatch?
Wait I think you already answered that." *



*Again, no not in relation to anyone...just came to me, so I jotted it down :-p

She beat me to it....

She described me before I could even think of it....

"I am a moody woman
my temper black as my brows
as sharp as my nails
as impartial as a flood
that is seeking, seeking, seeking
always
somewhere to stop...."

-Alice Walker

my familiarity with the unfamiliars...

I want a lot of things most girls, I think, want. But when I take a look around me and I look at these 'girls'- my peers I feel like not too many are actually going for what they *really* want. I see settlement. I see mediocrities. I see mundane faces going about their lives because theres the dream world, and then theres the real world.
No matter what I do in life- school, love, family- I am constantly searching for more. Constantly looking- sometimes for what- I don't know- but the search never seems to end. But I know that there has to be more! That every being, every action, every cessation has layers. These layers need to be peeled. Most of this search is that of my own being. I sit back and wonder if my mother and my grandmother and her mother ever got somewhere with their self searching. We never really talked much about our 'selves' our 'souls' our 'beings'- instead we just went day after day existing not living. In the rush to keep up with ...(who knows who!).. we did just that- existed. This is not to say that the females in my family never touched other lives or that no one really learned anything from them- that would be contradictory to the truth... but I digress... I read somewhere that we "are our grandmothers..." just with more things added in our life to be more efficient. I wonder how true that is... and how much of self searching...and self discovery my grams did!

This constant want...this constant search of things within ...keeps me up till 2.44 am ....

That friend

So lately I've been thinking about 'that friend'...you know- everyone has one...even that friend has a that friend... the one you can NOT stand at all...the one who you're embarrassed of-the one who can and will say the wrong things at the wrong time and comes out looking like a complete ass in the process (and you look like a complete ass by association) -your dirty little secret- you bitch about him/ her complain and dread every second that you have to spend with him/her- but you keep him/her around anyways... but when someone asks you "Well then why are you friends with him/her?" you have no answer to. I'm sure I, myself, am that friend to someone... but I always wonder why people keep em around... Is it self-validation? Is it apathy? Is it lack of a spine? Or the need for drama? Or is it just because you'd rather not deal with the drama that would come with cutting off all ties (the tears ..oh the tears!)

I was confronted today by such a situation, where I could just say what needs to be said to save a non-existing friendship OR I could just cut off all ties . I chose the latter. My friends who knew about it joked and once again, called me the untamed, wild shrew (I'm insensitive) The way I see it- It doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me an honest one.

Feeding my inner geek.

I spend WAY too much on stationary. What shoes do to normal girls, stationary does to me. I know I have... notebooks, for example... "but these are blue lined ones!" This seriously needs to stop.... what a shame it would be if I went into debt because of stationary.... aye!

Sometimes

..I wish I could just have one person I could count on. However, the bitter fact of life, is that no matter what, I need to plan my life for myself. Not for anyone else- just me. Love withers away, or maybe it wasn't real to begin with; Friendships are there, but it has it's own life, away from mine. Each time I try to factor in someone else to share this life with, I am reminded that the only person I can count on to stay putt forever- is me. While the nice things like stability, love and independence seem like a distant future, I have to concentrate on the NOW. And I have to assume that this distant future is a very big "maybe" conditioned by the accordance that I be selfish and take only my ambition and goals into the formula. Another bitter lesson of life: In order to be selfless, you have to be selfish first.

30 things to do before 30 :)

1) Get into Rx/Nursing school - Graduated :)
2) See the Broadway Musical: The Color Purple-unfortunately I haven't been able to do this! :(
3) Have at least ONE spa day where I spoil myself :)
4) Get cornrows done at least once more- entered into the professional world and now have to wait till I go on vaca! LLOL
5) Move out of N.J. - In Nashville, TN as I type this! :)
6) Have a couple Gs in savings for a rainy day (more like for a day that I need to buy my books!)- Brand new medical professional here, so close to this goal.
7) Find out what metal exactly in cheap jewelry I am allergic to! :-P
8) Get my D.L
9) Throw away the extras- the frills- ...de-clutter! hmm maybe a yard sale? :-D (done done n DONE! =D)
10) Get my 4.0... got it for the fall 07 semester! w00t! ;-)
11) Visit Thomas Jefferson Unv.
12) Visit Temple Unv. as well!
13) Start AfricAid at my college and my goal is to donate at least $1000.00 worth of books, stationary etc to the children in need :) Unfortunately I have not been able to do this. However, I have volutneered with disaster relief as an RN :)
14) Make the Deans list every semester! semester 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 done done done!=D
15) Get Published in "Rewrites Literary and Art Magazine" Could not do this- procrastination got the best of me and I am now an alumni. Hmm must look into if Alum's can still get published :)
16) Make more poetry! (since this is a constant on going thing that I hope will continue well after I turn 30, I shall italicize it. Please look for Poetry Tags to read)
17) Volunteer just a couple hours even if its in a month (it makes a difference!) (so far, so good!)
18) Research APNs like Med asked me to!
19) Curb my stationary happy spending habits!! (This is gonna be a tough one lol) I can say I have successfully achieved this because I went to staples and walked out empty handed! :-O)
20) At least be on a good start to healthy-ing up my knees ankles and calves!- Thank you, S for the tip!! =-D
21) Stop grinding my teeth when stressed.- this has kind of been accomplished. I do still grind my teeth when deep in thought :(
22) Start looking a little more presentable (WOOHOO!! Talk about finally gettin it outta the way!)
23) Get "Firm"- ongoing process
24) Research dance and boxing lessons-
25) Learn to relax and de-stress! update: 8/20/2009 I am ashamed to say, this hasn't happened yet. (ongoing still!)
26) Listen to my conscience and not be a fool :-P (extremely proud to say I have done well with this one!!)
27) Learn to speak (and write) eloquently! ongoing!!! (note to self, don't include things that are going to be ongoing in next to do list LOL)
28) Get contacts! (re-thinking this one. I have grown to like my glasses that put me in evil shrew mode :-P)
29) Get a better grip on my finances! (MORE than half way there!)
30) Turn 30 with grace ;) Grace...not sure if that will ever be my middle name :-P


As I accomplish each number, I'll italicize it so we know how close I am :-D

6th of the month

Dear Mrs. M. Miller
I've never met you, but I feel like I know you. For almost 5 years, we got your call at our pharmacy like clock work. Every 6th of the month: Can I speak with the Pharmacist please!.... in a voice that I always mocked to resemble Towelie from South Park. It wasn't meant to be insulting, in fact endearing because I could hear the innocence in your voice. I heard determination of a strong woman who lived by herself for all these years but never once asked for favors. You lived a life most of us only wished we could. A life of honesty, love and respect. Most of all, you were successful. Your kids moved away, eventually withered away before you ever did, yet you moved on and carried on like a strong oxen that you are. You took no crap from anyone and even the hoodlums respected you. You stood tall at almost a good 4' nothin. Your friends left you eventually and the only interaction you had with this world so crowded with human beings- was when you called for your meds.
We never spoke more than "Did you need your refills, Mrs Miller?" but there was always an understanding that all was right in the world because of that one phone call. There was an unspoken bond that distinguished our relationship from any other customer. Your grace and dignity is what I most love about you. A little old black woman with the heart of a tigress about to conquer the world. You had the heart of a Spartan and the love of a mother. You cannot imagine when I heard about your physical death- all alone in your apartment and no one knew how long you were gone. I have learned so much from you in our little interaction every 6th of the month. You will always be alive in our hearts and your soul shines brightly among people you never even knew loved you. Every 6th of the month, we miss that phone call that put a smile on our faces no matter how busy we were.

Power, beauty and the struggle.

A recent magazine article stated that studies suggested that most men liked curves on their women. If most men like curves on women, why is it that a skinny woman is the envy of all women? Why is it that every magazine’s selling article has something to do with losing weight, dropping pounds, looking good for him- even main stream porn stars the emaciated, blonde running around losing the little self respect and dignity she had? Why is the “skinny, tall, blonde” the object of desire of so many men? And why is the “skinny blonde” still considered the ‘mainstream’?

Curvy women want to be rail thin. Rail thin women would kill to have curves. For generations women have done unimaginable things to themselves so that they are portrayed as the ‘desired.’ Women love to feel wanted. My question is, by whom? If it is by men, it certainly isn’t the men that magazines talk about! Is it that we are our own destruction? That we are our own enemy? Is it that we, in our minds, convince ourselves that men want what we are NOT… that the message has turned from “You can be anything you want” to “You have to be everything he wants”…We have willingly renounced the power of defining beauty by handing it to someone else, leaving ourselves feeling unworthy.

The very magazine that tries to convince me that men do want curvy women 4 pages later tells me how to get rid of unpleasant cellulite and unwanted ‘blubber’. Two pages further, it tells me how to lose the extra weight and how to look amazing…for him. Or how to treat him right in bed. Then another article in the same magazine proselytizes that I should look good for myself. Flip over to another page, and they show me how to look glamorous and rested even if I only had 2 hours of sleep. Whatever happened to dressing up to what fits me? Whatever happened to doing what worked best for me; what I liked and what I felt confident and comfortable in?

I have a Brazilian friend who dated a guy who loves ivory skinned red heads… (she's not ivory skinned, nor a red head, incase the 'Brazilian' part didn't give that one way) despite my opinion- that he is most probably with her temporarily because she’s a landmark for his sexcapades- she dated him. Two months later, he dumped her (for a plump, but ivory skinned red head.) They (plumpy and ex-dude) are married now. Another friend is still dating a guy who drools at any girl that happens to walk past him. Both these girls have a scarred self-esteem. These actions of significant others are the very actions and articles that tell us that we are inadequate. Right? Wrong.

Now, just bare with me here, does this not seem like a personal problem? The way I see it, if someone tells you directly, or indirectly that you are not adequate- leave. You already are everything you want, or at least are in the process of achieving it. What he wants, should be secondary- complimentary. Just like what you want is secondary to what he is. Shouldn’t a significant other be there for you for mental, emotional and spiritual support? The physical part should already be defined- it’s not like you lied to him when you first started dating- if he started dating a black girl, you didn’t flip the script and turn out to be white! Know your body; love it the way it is. If he doesn’t, someone else will. Why do women continue to date men who don’t appreciate them and accept their depreciating value day after day?

Women have the power of defining beauty. Unfortunately, we often hand this power over to someone else. So yes, you can always count on magazines, men, women and the media to make you feel incompetent and inadequate. The least you can do is take YOURSELF off that list.

Doing the right thing...

When will doing the right thing be second nature to us? Discipline plays an active role- a key role in being conscientious in our daily life and it seems like that it is the very thing that 99.9% of us lack. Why is it so hard for humans to desire to be ethical? We all have good intentions- but it stays just that- an intention. Everyone can relate to this- whether a person is trying to lose weight, get their credit straight, be faithful, do better in school or do better in life over all. We all know what the right choice is, yet we continue to pick the other- the forbidden; and then pay the price for it, sometimes for the rest of our lives.

To be 27

With all this bitchin' I've been doing about how time passes by so slowly, I've realized I'll be 27 in less than a month. Every year on my birthday I ask myself "What have you accomplished in your (fill in age here) years on this planet?" It is of course a much deeper question- how have you impacted anyone on this earth? How have you made the world a better place to live in? etc etc. I haven't fulfilled any of my goals yet. I haven't even started. I know for the next six years of my life all but one of these goals will be put on hold. (I want to get my Doctorate in Pharmacy, which will take up the next 6 years of my life.) What's left?

I still have the streets of Africa to wander through. I still have to volunteer my time in Sudan. Adopt an African baby (btw, NO this isn't inspired by 'Brangelina' or the likes- ever since I was a baby, I'd tell my mom that one day, I'd adopt an African kid.) The boat in the Amazon River awaits me to come start paddling my way into its beauty, danger, raw- LIFE! My book that will change the way the world- more importantly immigrants- see Black America, still longs for me to pick up my pen and start writing the rough past that still defines America today. I want to learn to dance away nights and days. I want to engage every limb of my body into itself and into something much more grander than itself. My book of poem awaits me to get inspired- to be able to eloquently put down my thoughts into words. I want to explore Colombia, Brazil, Mexico...cultures so beautiful it radiates through the people who truly represent what they stand for. I want to touch lives of people- not preach to the choir, mind you- I want to be the bridge that brings people together- that helps people understand each other, come closer together, be a part of something as tiny as the human race.

As I sit here and re-read this list of things I ache to do, I have to remind myself: One day at a time! Time will one day be on my side. Till then, I'll just have to work hard to be able to afford to do so!

More frustration

I've finally come to a point of exhaustion due to 'deeper thinking.' I caught myself wondering what it would be like to be shallow, worry and thought free. While work takes up all of my time and energy, even a millisecond of cessation causes all these thoughts to flood my mind digging deeper holes, uprooting any strong convictions. I want to feel the joys of working on auto-pilot. Search and Destroy. No "planning" no "asking" no "waiting." Just Search. And Destroy.

Baffled

I feel like theres a piece of me that's missing. Like somehow, somewhere, someone deliberately left out a piece of a puzzle just to see what the consequences would be. To see the questions, the confusion, and the turmoil I would go through because of that missing piece. To experiment exactly how much humanity really needs that single piece.

Is there something wrong with me? Or is it that people "ignore" the missing piece(s) of their lives and move on pretending they are one true wholesome, solved puzzle? I feel so lost all of a sudden, like I am at a crossroads, but don't know how I got there, and what my choices are. All I know is, I have to choose. And what I choose will be my price to pay for the rest of my life. Ah, the joys of uneducated decision making.

I get overwhelmed with such questions once in a while. They aren't truly directed at a certain aspect of my life, but at my life in general. I feel frustrated because I'm at a standstill, yet everything is moving so fast. Everything is moving so fast, yet I'm at a standstill. I am so overwhelmed with feelings yet I do not know what it is like to truly feel.

To put it in simple terms,
"_____________________" this would be a model of what other human beings are composed of.

"_________ __________" this would be me. And I see "_" is what I am missing, I see it, I know it, and it IS there... but I somehow, cannot manage to transport the "_" into the slot that it should fit in. And sometimes, I lose sight of "_" and start writing blogs that make no sense at all. Like now.

I feel like a dog chasing my own tail =(

Yet another day of self-discovery...

There is much beauty in this world.... There are people who are just as selfish as a flower- they bloom, make peoples lives brighter, bring a sense of success and fulfillment to anyone passing by, exhilarate all animals, tingles almost all senses of anyone in its presence and then, slowly and quietly dies off, most of the times unnoticed. Then there are the kind of people that never even realize that spring has come and gone and are still focused on the winter and the dreary clouds it brings, wallowing in their own sorrows making not only theirs but others lives miserable as well. I fell in the latter category for the longest time.

I recently came to realize that there are flowers all around me! Worst part is- they ARE in the brightest of colors and in full bloom. I notice these flowers, but passed them off as an annoyance because I thought it hid other things from my focus. I noticed these flowers but I constantly wanted to know what was beyond the flowers; wondering what God wanted me to see and never once stopped to think maybe He intended for me to see these flowers and rejoice them. Real issue? I focused on the wrong things...I'd see flowers, then I'd see the setting it is in, and pass it off as hindrance or a roadblock.

Due to past experiences I have trouble trusting anyone- which is a problem, but not a big one per se- it did become one when I realized (as I write this piece) I was at a point where I could barely see any positives in anyone at all. I saw positives, but I automatically focused on the negatives. The negatives would irritate me so much that I'd deliberate over and over and I'd end up with a migraine. Enough exposure to the same negative aspect with one person, my brain automatically associated the person with a migraine and being around that person became excruciating.

Is it possible that because the world is such a cold place that these flowers seem to die quicker? That they seem to come fewer and farther in between now? Maybe. But that's not the point, is it? It's not the quantity its the quality of ones life that makes the difference. For example, I've been bitching about my colleague day in and day out. You'd think she was the epitome of a moron, an accident waiting to happen...I was so rilled up in all her "wrongs" that I forgot what a beautiful person lies beneath the roughness, beneath her "old traditional ways," beneath the woman who "takes forever to do one minuscule project". She's caring-genuinely caring and she thinks about you even when she's done with work. Occasionally, she'd cook for me and my boss just because. Not to get a raise, not to gain anything- just because she thought we'd like to have some. She does all these little things that come to her like second nature that leave me stunned. She has offered me more than most, but did I ever once stop and think "wow! this person is...something!!" Nope.

My MENTOR is this wonderful woman who has managed to raise a family and be a successful business and career woman, raising 2 kids who absolutely adore her and a husband who fought cancer not too long ago and won. This woman lost a best friend to cancer and 3 months later received news that her husband of 12 some years was suffering from the same disease. She has helped with charitable organizations, volunteered for umpteen charities and has had more social events at her house than Lindsay Lohan's done shots...I cannot fathom how one could single handedly manage every single aspect of her life so well and yet remain a size 6.

I am in no way saying that the said people are perfect in every way. Each has their own faults but the goods outweigh the bads in immeasurable units. In the end, each IS perfect in their own way. I know each one will disappoint me at one point or another. That's what humans do. You fall, and you rise and shine brighter. People need to focus on the results of the downs than the branch that tripped them down and world that didn't warn him/her of said branch ;)

The world is a beautiful place. The world is also cold and hard. It depends on how YOU choose to see it.You get what you put in... So I just made a pact with myself. I will surround myself with the most amazing people you will ever meet. I speculate the key is not that I have to hunt the future saints of this world and surround myself with them, but be the kind of person that makes people want to be amazing when around me. I want to somehow manage to take the best quality in each person I keep close and accentuate those values. I already trust few, and expect almost nothing from anyone unless I have let them in my 'inner circle.' I don't plan on embellishing anyone so much as to come off as a sycophant, but theres an amazing delicate balance of accentuating and encouraging truth and flat out ass kissing and that can be achieved with little skill,time and effort. So Good Luck to me!! =)



P.S. My Moto Q came in the mail the very next day and I love it! :-D












Random rant*
Another failed relationship
Another fleeting feeling
Another heart broken
This time it was my fault.


*No this isn't about me or any of my late, or current relationship...just came to me so I 'jotted' it down

Marriage

In Bride and Prejudice, the main character ‘Lalita’ (a traditional Indian girl who loves her country and culture) defends the concept of arranged marriage by pointing out that the divorce rate in the western culture is twice as bad. Since then I have heard the same “justification” for the same concept used as a rebuttal. Rethinking this, however, no one questions the measure of happiness in these kept marriages versus the measure of happiness in the broken marriage of the west. Having lived in a culture where arranged marriages prevailed, I have yet to see a truly happy marriage. Living in a culture where utopia is sought I have yet to see a truly happy marriage as well, but I have also seen the measure of happiness slowly but steadily rise in individuals. The sense of accomplishment, sense of self, self-esteem, pride and the overall measure of contentment in these singles is much higher than those in bound marriages.

Relationships (usually) tend to have a dependent and a supporter (the bread winner.) There is one party that needs or wants the other more than the second party- a soft and a strong, a meek and a powerful, a giver and a receiver. Marriages lasted longer in our grandparent’s era and before the woman’s rights movement not because men and women loved their spouses, but because each had a defined role. Each gender stuck to that role and being that there was always one (typically the female) who needed assurance of survival and comfort, that person would give into the opinions and wants of the other (usually the male.) Sure, one can choose to continue a marriage that is dead, depressed, heart broken, and longing and lonely and downright miserable and be miserable for the rest of their lives, and mourn the 25-50-75 year anniversary instead of celebrate it, but is that what humans- the evolution kings and queens -the ruler of this planet - are after?

A lot of times in these arranged marriages, the woman doesn't even know she has the option to leave the marriage or is so worried about what the world is going to think of her- financially broke- a female- a divorcee- that she continues to live in the marriage. Thus I rest my case about arranged marriages lasting longer than "love marriages" (Side note: The whole concept of a "Love marriage" even existing boggles my mind. Shouldn't there be LOVE in a MARRIAGE to begin with? Isn't that redundant?..apparently not to some people)

I have seen a lot of families go through life without ever knowing what it is like to be truly happy- to be happy on YOUR terms not your parents terms, not the cultures term, not the medias term and definitely not in societal terms. To be happy for yourself -to enjoy life and not get caught up living, stressing and grieving it.Americans have a concept of utopia and we refuse to accept and settle for any less. We have come to a point where people are learning to be independent regardless of gender. Breaking roles may be uncomfortable but it is educational. It is building ones self up to get to the next level- to utilize the ability and potential of a human being-is what we can do to celebrate life itself.

However, this concept is not a factor in these statistics.

So please forgive me while I laugh at the naïve little girl who tries to console herself by point out that "fact" and devoicing the very notion of human feelings and emotions by simply stating statistics, instead of standing up and taking her God-given- heck even LAW given rights as a woman.

Binding Breathing and much a-dos about nothings.

Few things on my mind today.... just a gist...

Frustration is what grips me right now. I'm having one of those days: I want what I want and I want it now! The expeditious world of consumerism has finally taken over. It hasn't been 24 hours since I ordered my Moto Q phone through Sprint and I want it already. I had an interesting conversation (As usual ;P) with my boss today and he talked about binding desires versus non-binding desires in life. What I have right now is a binding desire. It's not like I am completely cut off from the world..I still have my phone AND laptop at my disposal, however I want to play with my new toy. Never mind I need to be working on all these things that would make life MUCH easier for me in the long run... I wanna play.

My boss-man and I have been talking about meditation a lot (he IS a pharmacist and says "Meditation works better than medication...") Within 5 minutes of me standing next to him he noticed that I was wheezing... one thing led to another, and basically I don't breathe and I get hyped up. I stress out. I need to relax. So! Meditation is whats on my list of things to do. I don't overtly stress out, however this explains why 3 chiropractors- including a part-time body-builder military Drill Instructor- couldn't for the life of them crack my back. They said I was simply too tense. So for now: Breathe.

I have a few things I need to take care of... But why is it that I can only concentrate on ONE thing and get only that accomplished? At work I'm a master-multi-tasker... However once I get done work and my life needs me, I get paralyzed... I become a bonafide moron. Hmm...

I want all these things and time just seems like the biggest bitch right now- I want school to start- I have to wait till Sept. I want to move down south- I have to wail till June 21st. I want to start Rx School- I have to wait for 2 yrs. I want my DL, I have to wait till July for it. I want my car, I have to wait for the flippin place to fix it. I want my phone- I have to wait (PATIENTLY) for it to arrive in the mail. BLLLAAAHHH! If time were physical, I'd be fightin it right now.

Much more to come....but for now, gotta shower! =) toodles!

What goes around comes around...

I have been thinking a lot about acts in general lately. The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny: Karma. There are so many things that tie into this simple and exhausted word. Non-believers of Buddhism also have embraced this ideology. It has, in a way, put fear in some people to do right. Not because one has ethics (God forbid anyone have any ethics these days) or because one likes to do the right thing (what's that?!) It's because of Karma.

This brings me to a few questions. Why does it seem that Karma hits just a few people? There are two kinds of people: people who tend to get fucked over all the time, things just never go right with them no matter how hard they try; sometimes even after they have paid their dues, Karma just seems to show its ugly face over and over. Then you have people who go their whole lives being cocky, cheating, lying, doing every possible thing one should not do and they tend to sail through life. Every day is like a day at the beach. Why is it that Karma doesn't turn its head to them? Why is it just picking on a selected few? Sure, people always say "Oh, their turn will come!" but c'mon- you know as well as I do, that doesn't happen. Not in my lifetime at least. This makes some people go through their life with the motto of "You get yours and I'll get mine." And is it me, or does it seem like selfish people get what they want when they want and never have to deal with my tumor twin aka Karma?

For the believers, a deeper question: Where does God tie in? If Karma avenges all, and if you pay your debts on earth, what does God do? Just sit and watch all the fun? Does s/he 'control' who and what Karma hits? And if all is avenged on earth, why do we even need a God or a heaven for that matter?

An Overdue Ode

“Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.” –Baz

Ever get the feeling like you are stuck in the desert- you’re mouth is parched dry and you can taste dust and tiny sand particles that you cannot manage to spit out because its so thick in the air that there’s no escaping it? Look out for miles and miles and all you see is sand dunes. Climb one hill only to come up top it and see the millions of hills that laugh at your sinking aspirations. Then, just as the mixture of fatigue and desperation sets in and you’re about to relinquish all hope of survival, an angelic glow revives your soul.

I was once told that I should consider myself lucky if I ever have even one true friend. About three years ago I realized I just met my own 'angelic glow.' After alienating myself from the rest of the world for about two years, I found myself lonely, sad, with nothing to call my own. It felt very empty - much like being in that never-ending desert. Then, almost on cue- like she knew all along-even after two years of estrangement… Natasha called me. I’ve been friends with Tash for almost 6 years now and while we’ve had our minor contentions, it is inarguable that she is a true friend.

Tash has seen me through the worst of my life and at my happiest yet. Tash, I’ve seen you grow from that excited, apprehensive freshman- ready to take on college, through the RU screw, RU pride, boys, men, hurtful acquaintances and lovable ones- and you’ve handled every challenge thrown at you with the utmost grace and conviction. We’ve seen each other through our carefree youth as freshmen and sophomores, through the uncomfortable circumstances brought through break-ups among friends, through break-ups and make-ups (God knows the amount of make-ups! Haha) and through the hard times we’re going through right now. Even through this, you’ve managed to put your problems aside just to listen to mine. You know when I just need a ear and when I need a kick in my ass to get me going and when I need a hug. You have never passed judgment on me and despite what I’ve thought of you and the times I have judged you, you stayed my friend with arms wide open- just in case I needed a hug. You've been ever supportive of all my decisions- even the ones you didn't agree with. Through these years, you’ve been my ear, my shoulder, my arms, my heart and my head. You’ve taken care of me and you’ve defended me. And while I did say “Thanks” I never really took the time out to say Thanks!

I know it seems like things are in the shitter right now and porta-potties have been better taken care of than us (Hey, I saw those pics ;) lol) But I know we both will come out gems. It has been said that diamonds are formed under conditions of extreme heat and pressure for some period of time. Big diamonds we will be!! Know that you will forever have a special place in my heart no matter where life takes us, no matter how far apart life takes us. I will work hard to bridge that gap between geography and lifestyle to be closer to you ;)

Psychology, Predictability, Rules, Functions: Making hay when the sun shines.

Math. Why do so many children (and surprisingly adults) fear it? It is almost treated as a disease and this disease infected my life starting out like a minor bump- as a questionable subject to becoming a dread- to blowing up to a full fledged tumor- to fear and from there on I just plain avoided it. Almost 10 years later, I decided to give it an honest try and…I love it. Why?

Fine Print vs. Math: In math, there is no “backing out” like with people. In math, there are a set of rules and regulations. No fine print. Never a fine print. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to hate fine print. People, despite their promises, are unpredictable. Especially when people are in ‘power,’ the possibility of fine print is endless. This is where math becomes my solitude. One can get engrossed in the intricate workings of this immense system and the rules don’t change. All your work and efforts won’t go futile at the snap of an indecisive finger. Math is constant. And constant doesn’t always mean stagnant.

Personality vs. Definition: My nature is as eccentric as it is changeable and impulsive. While I love frolicking in the garden feeling the grass under my feet and being entranced in my own world, I like knowing what I can and cannot do. I like knowing my boundaries and what is expected of me. This knowledge will give me the power tools I need to drill myself a foundation that will not vacillate due to cursory forces- be it people or situations. In a way, I am as “cancerous” a Cancer can get when it comes to situations that would affect me and me alone- ever changing- but I’m the complete opposite when someone else’s life and feelings come into play. Why? Because I have yet to come across someone who actually means what they say… and I know how frustrating that can be.

You know how they say "One's true character is revealed in times of disparity..." I say"One's true integrity is revealed in times of sovereignty."

The Crust

So it is finally time to make decisions. I know it’s a little late in life, but everyone takes time in doing his or her share of growing up. While I may not have succeeded in a few parts of life, I have however, succeeded in other parts few can say they have. I’ve gone through most of my life being sub-par. Feeling numb almost. Any situation was dealt with an apathy most might find appalling. I don’t say this today with regret- since it bought up many meaningful conversations with two of my closest friends. I can’t say, to this day, that I have experienced what it is to love another human being, or to be in so much pain (emotionally) that it hurts. Or to have so much joy in my ‘heart’ that it’s almost unbearable. Or to truly be affected by news that does not directly pertain to me. Do not confuse this with selfishness.I know it’s not because I have done things that prove otherwise and my friends know otherwise. Which brings me to question- Is it that I do “feel” but that feeling is so fleeting that I keep searching for more? Or is it that I am just numb from dealing with life with so much apathy for so long, tucking away emotions that were anger, guilt, belittlement, sadness, disappointment that the only thing I feel is rage and anger? Not to say that my childhood was bad- in fact- it was sub-par. I then read somewhere that in some situations the brain sends signals to one’s body to emotionally “shut-down” if the information given to it is too much to handle. Could it be that after dealing with so many instances of “fuck it… such is life” my emotions have been permanently “shut down?” But what about anger? It seemed for a long time- even when I was away in college- it was the only emotion that gave me some satisfaction that I could feel. It was the only feeling that was deep enough to quench the thirst that has for so long parched my body. I talked to many people I know ...about feelings and such, and most shy away from such topics mostly because it makes them uncomfortable. Could it be because they feel just as much as I do, but go with it because that’s what they are ‘supposed’ to feel and act and react? And questioning it or even deep conversations about it stir up questions or uneasiness that leads them into unfamiliar territory and this they do not or can not deal with? I am still left wondering.

This now, brings me to the dreaded issue- TRUST. Trust: The reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety etc. of a person or thing. Confidence. During one of my many such “meaningful” conversations with W, I realized that in my growing up I haven’t really trusted anyone. This ties into my “fuck it…such is life” comment. Whenever I was ‘let down’ I was always took the “fuck it…such is life” route. I cannot say I have done any growing since. Or maybe this is part of the “growing.” He gave me a gem of an advice. He said I was on the right track. Morbid as it may sound, I have yet to be hurt. Recently, I found out that a certain person has been extremely duplicitous about a few things and this is affecting me first hand. It hurt very little due to the nature of the closeness in our relationship (or lack there of now.) But I expect people to do this. Nothing in life has come easy for me (partly this was my own doing and partially ..."Fate...?") and I know as long as I am placing myself in certain situations, it never will. But I do know I have me I can count on. I know my trials, my wisdom, my knowledge, my privation, my familiarity; my tribulations are going to be mine. I know I can count on a very few externals ever falling into place (I mean, come on, when do they ever?!) And when I do get to the spot where I intend to be in a few years, the success is going to be mine because the trials, the wisdom, the knowledge, the privation, the familiarity...were all mine and mine alone. The people who presume to know me need to take another look. While I may seem reclusive there are few things that do go past me. In the end what you say, comes right back to me, crumbling the narrow path we had remaining.

P.S. Please do not call me up asking me about who the person is or “what’s that all about!?” If you read this and feel guilty, it may as well be about you. lol