So it is finally time to make decisions. I know it’s a little late in life, but everyone takes time in doing his or her share of growing up. While I may not have succeeded in a few parts of life, I have however, succeeded in other parts few can say they have. I’ve gone through most of my life being sub-par. Feeling numb almost. Any situation was dealt with an apathy most might find appalling. I don’t say this today with regret- since it bought up many meaningful conversations with two of my closest friends. I can’t say, to this day, that I have experienced what it is to love another human being, or to be in so much pain (emotionally) that it hurts. Or to have so much joy in my ‘heart’ that it’s almost unbearable. Or to truly be affected by news that does not directly pertain to me. Do not confuse this with selfishness.I know it’s not because I have done things that prove otherwise and my friends know otherwise. Which brings me to question- Is it that I do “feel” but that feeling is so fleeting that I keep searching for more? Or is it that I am just numb from dealing with life with so much apathy for so long, tucking away emotions that were anger, guilt, belittlement, sadness, disappointment that the only thing I feel is rage and anger? Not to say that my childhood was bad- in fact- it was sub-par. I then read somewhere that in some situations the brain sends signals to one’s body to emotionally “shut-down” if the information given to it is too much to handle. Could it be that after dealing with so many instances of “fuck it… such is life” my emotions have been permanently “shut down?” But what about anger? It seemed for a long time- even when I was away in college- it was the only emotion that gave me some satisfaction that I could feel. It was the only feeling that was deep enough to quench the thirst that has for so long parched my body. I talked to many people I know ...about feelings and such, and most shy away from such topics mostly because it makes them uncomfortable. Could it be because they feel just as much as I do, but go with it because that’s what they are ‘supposed’ to feel and act and react? And questioning it or even deep conversations about it stir up questions or uneasiness that leads them into unfamiliar territory and this they do not or can not deal with? I am still left wondering.
This now, brings me to the dreaded issue- TRUST. Trust: The reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety etc. of a person or thing. Confidence. During one of my many such “meaningful” conversations with W, I realized that in my growing up I haven’t really trusted anyone. This ties into my “fuck it…such is life” comment. Whenever I was ‘let down’ I was always took the “fuck it…such is life” route. I cannot say I have done any growing since. Or maybe this is part of the “growing.” He gave me a gem of an advice. He said I was on the right track. Morbid as it may sound, I have yet to be hurt. Recently, I found out that a certain person has been extremely duplicitous about a few things and this is affecting me first hand. It hurt very little due to the nature of the closeness in our relationship (or lack there of now.) But I expect people to do this. Nothing in life has come easy for me (partly this was my own doing and partially ..."Fate...?") and I know as long as I am placing myself in certain situations, it never will. But I do know I have me I can count on. I know my trials, my wisdom, my knowledge, my privation, my familiarity; my tribulations are going to be mine. I know I can count on a very few externals ever falling into place (I mean, come on, when do they ever?!) And when I do get to the spot where I intend to be in a few years, the success is going to be mine because the trials, the wisdom, the knowledge, the privation, the familiarity...were all mine and mine alone. The people who presume to know me need to take another look. While I may seem reclusive there are few things that do go past me. In the end what you say, comes right back to me, crumbling the narrow path we had remaining.
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