So It’s mah birffday!! I have to say, I feel especially unfulfilled this year. Every year on my birthday, I ask myself “You have lived for __ years on this earth. What have you accomplished?” Two years ago, I was proud because I worked hard for something and I achieved it. Last year, It was “okay” because I was kind of on track with my goals. This year I feel like I am back in college, doing loser things. Not partying my life away, but I feel like part of my “fight or flight” still remains “flight” when 3 years ago, I had trained myself to “fight.” This time, it’s no particular goal in mind because I want too many things to happen all at the same time, while actually working towards nothing. What’s even more frustrating is feeling like I have blogged about this before. (Even the previous blog about the rants of being bored/ being in a funk…been there done that.) Like, seriously dude…what gives?! What is it going to take? Another life altering change?? While the change was good, what was sacrificed was much larger and I would gladly give it back- so that’s not an option. I just feel like I am making wrong choices/ ones that may not be for me. I feel like I should be much farther than where I am today. While I have these feelings (thanks to my loser college years) generally with my life milestones, this year, I feel like I took a step back. The principal grounds of these “loser feelings” have to do with two things: Financials and Arya (he is NOT the cause of this mind you, but it is more about what I should have done for him and didn’t.)
It started when my brother volunteered to help me out with my trip to NJ to see him (which was a feat in itself- thanks to walmart/western union.) I had to switch a few things around with bills just to make it there and back. It really showed me how far behind I am with my financial goals. I make more than enough money and this should not happen. There were externals, true, however the amount of switcharoo’s that happened with bill paying… BAH.
On my way there and back with Arya, it became painfully clear how behind Arya is with his socialization. I needed to have him in class as soon as I got him. He should have been neutered the month I got him. All of these things- while my family did remind me of this very gently, I know these are things of urgency that should never have been an issue.
Also, during my drive back from jersey, I was thinking about how different my life is here than back at the shore. (Arya’s the one paying for it here… having an anti-social mom n all.) Back in Jersey, I have a TON of friends and when I am there, every single day I am surrounded by people I love. I absolutely love it! However, I do need a TON of me time as well to reflect and think/keep track of life and what not. I need a middle ground. Here, I do have a few friends, but they aren’t as close to me as my Jersey friends are and I only see them via work. I need to build relationships here. You see, when I moved here, I moved in with a s/o. Life was full with his life bleeding into mine. I absolutely HATED it. So, a year later, I moved out. What I am now realizing is that in that year, I did not build any relationships because that “me time” was so rare to find when you live with someone and their child, I treasured being alone. Now that I do live by myself, the” me time” has taken over and there’s no socialization AT ALL- for Arya or me!
I’ve been in a funk again…. I am bored out of my mind. I cannot go to the gym for another week per doctors advice (yea, I’m one of the few that actually follows the doctors recommendations.) For a while, I thought maybe I was depressed. I had no energy. I’d have days that I was a raging insomniac, unable to do anything other than lay in bed and try to sleep because I was so dead tired. Other days I would not be able to get out of bed. I’d wake up because Arya would cry and I’d barely be able to let him out into the backyard so he could handle his business. Back into bed and I’d sleep for 15-17 hours a day. When I was up, I’d contemplate what to eat, putz around in the kitchen and then eventually go back to bed. This lasted for a good month or so. I finally thought enough is enough (not the song :-P) and forced myself to get out of bed and clean my house. That got me out of that funk.
Now I’m at the stage where my house is clean, my puppy gets his walks and I do have some energy, but I am BORED. OUT. OF. MY. FUCKING. MIND.
I only work 3 days a week (perks of 12 hour shifts) so 4 off days go by extremely slow especially when the gym is not an option. I took up cooking and I’ve learned it’s not something I LOVE. I do it out of boredom and soon get bored of that quickly as well. I know what you’re thinking “why don’t you do that list of gabazillion things you’ve listed time and again that’d you’d do if you had the time?” I’m on a mission to pay down my debt(and to do that, I need to either stay home OR get in some overtime- BUT census is low, so no OT for me :*( bah.) So this means I have to find things that don’t cost me much. Visiting the Amazon= $$$. I know starting Friday I’ll be okay being that I’ll be in the clear to gym it up. But for now, I can’t stop bitching. And you have to listen to it. :-P
I also noticed I was becoming negative. Whenever I opened my mouth, it was either to chime in to agree with someone that was talking about negative things or I was just upset about something. Part of it was me and part of it was whom I chose to surround myself with. I realized there were a few people on facebook that just reading their status updates would get me hypertensive. I started thinking negatively in general. When I realized this, I deleted them off my list to reduce the headaches and bitching. What is helping me stay focused on the positives was the movie A Thousand Words. What if that had to happen to me? Would I bitch about things (esp. in a non-constructive way) and just talk to hear my voice? It’s still a struggle especially once I get started, and even when I realize I have succumbed into this vicious cycle again- It’s hard to stop. I don’t know why. Word vomit. Unpleasant, bitchy, mean, catty word vomit. This is not who I am. I’ve said time and again- I was the fun, crazy, silly carefree girl. I’m still struggling to find her and bring her back. I refuse to give up on her ;)