tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52109189472896874942024-03-05T17:43:45.260-08:00GoldenSoulRoad blocks and BridgesGoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.comBlogger86125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-85217835153516254562013-12-08T09:53:00.000-08:002013-12-08T09:54:49.673-08:00What I learned about my relationship with Jesus:<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was reading Jefferson Bethke’s Jesus > Religion. His
aim is to bring you closer to Jesus. What this book did for me, was something
entirely different. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s what I
learned about my relationship with Jesus:</span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> <span style="color: red;"> </span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: red;">I don't know Jesus.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not
all aspects of him. I only know parts of him. I’ve only concentrated on parts of
him. First it was The Strict God..then it was The Loving Daddy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somehow, I know this isn’t where my
relationship ends. </span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> <span style="color: red;"> </span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: #00b0f0;"><span style="color: red;">Apparently it’s a game.</span> </span>While reading this book-
10 pages into it or so, Arya (my pup) was being ornery bringing me his toy
wanting me to play fetch, but didn’t want to let go. We’d end up playing tug of
war, after which I’d get frustrated and stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realized this is what I did with my
heart and God. I want him to take it and renew it, yet I refused to let go of
it. I wanted to play this stupid game, much like Arya, not realizing if I just
let go, there’d be SO much more fun to be had. But instead of getting
frustrated, God is a gentleman and so he lets go and waits for me to
invite/bait him once more to fix my heart (only to not let go again.)</span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> <span style="color: red;"> </span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: #00b0f0;"><span style="color: red;">I don’t love Jesus</span></span> . </span><span style="color: #00b0f0;"><span style="color: red;">What
is it to love Jesus?</span> </span>So while I was in church last Sunday, we were being
challenged to love one another and to love God. Being a good Christian, I was
fervently praying and telling Papa that I love love love him and I want to be
good and I will love him even more. I promised him that “For 33 years, you
lived and walked and breathed on planet Earth. I am 33. I am done living life
for me. I want to live the rest of my life for you.” This was quickly shut down
by Papa. Now, my relationship with Papa so far has been one of Daddy/babychild:
Loving, cuddling, smiling, frolicking, full of amazing grace and abundant in
unconditional love. So, naturally I was taken aback in shock. “What? Why?” Papa
replied “<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: cyan;">You don’t love me. To love me, you must accept
me. You must know me. When you love me, temptation is nothing – not because of
rules or laws—but because you love me. This is how you are wired. I know
because I designed you. But most of all, to love me, you must love ... <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">yourself</i>. Because you are my DNA. You
are my child. You are my creation. How can you love me if you can’t even love
what I have </span><span style="color: cyan;">created?”</span></span> We both knew he had nailed it. I didn’t love me
yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hence the self sabotaging behavior
of putting myself in places of temptation- and then giving in. I said “I will
work on that Papa. I will love myself and others more.” “ Oh, you love others
just fine. I need you to work on loving yourself.” He was going to make sure
the message was heard. So in a way, I am still giving up the old S. I lived for
33 years like S would. Most of it, I wish I could take back. But now, I live
for Papa. And the season I am in, is learning to love S. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(This is gonna take years of training.)</span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> <span style="color: red;"> </span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: red;">I wouldn't do much for Him.</span> What would you do for
Jesus? Give up worldly materials? Give up that porn addiction? What about
judgments against others? Greed? Gluttony? Would you<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">die for
Jesus?</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>I realized it was the “right
thing” for a good Christian to say “Oh yes, I would give it up!” and I did that
too. Heck I can’t deny it because I wrote about it in my journal to Papa. It’s
right there in black and white. But my actions prove differently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bethke talks about being a Christian in
America versus Middle East. Saying you love Jesus is very different. If
militants barged into my house and had a gun shoved to the side of my cheek and
asked.. would I say “I LOVE JESUS CHRIST!” Would I be able to look my
executioner straight in the face and feel at peace? Would I panic? Would I try
to hide? Or would I become Peter and totally deny Jesus three times before the
rooster crows ? It makes you think- even if you can’t admit it aloud- but if
you really sat and thought about it and were honest with yourself and Papa (Well,
he already knows the answer.. it is more about being honest with yourself)-
Would I die for Jesus? So… do you love Jesus? What, exactly are you willing to
give up for Jesus? It made me sit and think- “Apparently not very much because
I can’t even say no to temptation.” Once I said that to myself in shame and
felt about this little, I heard “Good, now that you’re transparent, lets work
from here.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> *Pause* </span>Papa still loves me even
though I admitted “Yeah, you took a whipping, insults and injuries and beating and
slashing and had your side pierced while you laid your life down on the Cross
to ransom me… buuuuuttt I think<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll
give into that food addiction in a few days once all of this has passed.” I
know I didn’t quite say it like that, but God knows and I know that I am a
sinner and while my heart is positioned towards God <u>AND I WANT TO DO RIGHT</u>,
I falter and stumble and I’m totally not gracious in doing so. But He, is. His
grace lifts me up, dusts me off and he <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>happily walks to the cross and dies,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>yet again, for my salvation. </i></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: #00b0f0;"><span style="color: red;">I think the “bad things” are his vengeance for me
stumbling.</span> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is natural, no? We,
well- most of us- are programmed with emotional blackmail. I’ve even done it.
We say “if you love me.. you will….” Or “If you don’t do this… *insert bad
thing* will happen to you.” It’s the worldly way of living. So naturally when
something bad or even “not positive” happened, I automatically thought “Oh, I
had a bad day at work..it probably happened because God wanted to teach me a
lesson about *insert naughty thing done here*”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now, I know that’s not true of God, but after 33 years of learning one
thing- it’s a bit hard to unlearn that. Or at least the chances of the thought
creeping into your mind is much higher than to say “Nu uh!NO!!! WRONG WRONG WRONG
WRONG!!! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus already took that away on
the Cross. He already suffered the punishment we were supposed to."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So why is it so hard to accept it? I had a
shift in perspective (AHA! Moments tend to come very often when I hang with
Papa these days) <em><u>Tough times aren’t a
chance to see if God loves us—but a chance to see if we love God despite the
tough times.</u> </em>We are already loved by God. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is done He said. Your “karma” has already
been avenged. “It is finished” He said. Our job now is just to love. And being
that others’ “karma” also has been spoken for, our job is also to forgive. <span style="color: #00b0f0;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: #00b0f0;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I insult God on a
daily basis.</span></span> On page 49, Bethke asks “What would it look like if we
treated our spouses or friends the way we treat God?” Meaning, what if you told
your spouse “I told you l love you on Sunday… so now for the rest of the week,
I can be promiscuous and run the streets. I mean, I already told you I love you
so I’m good until next Sunday.” We know it wouldn’t work out well for us. Papa
then stopped me in my tracks. “Before you think about how you treat ME... I need you to realize, that when you love me, you have
to by default love my creation. You admit you’re my DNA, you are my
creation and hence you are a part of Me. So I ask you: In
extension, how do you treat my creation? What if you treated your family and
friends the way you treat yourself? How about if you treated Arya the way you
treat yourself?” OUCH. If you know me, my puppy is my baby. I will go without
with absolutely no issues, if it means it will bring my Arya a minute of
comfort. But myself… between the self sabotaging behavior, self destructive
thought processes and self loathing mindset, If I treated anyone the way I
treated myself- they would think I’m scum of earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that I go around whipping myself
physically, nor am I a martyr by any means. But I am known to not care for
myself in that in intimate relationships I don’t necessarily feel the need
to put myself first very often. “The sin, here,” He says “ is you destroying,
insulting and ridiculing my creation.” OUCH AGAIN. <span style="color: #00b0f0;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> <span style="color: red;"> </span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: #00b0f0;"><span style="color: red;">I don’t know that doing for others is good But Loving
Jesus is great.</span> </span>It is so easy to get caught up in being a good
Christian. You know- go to bible study, volunteer, be nice, don’t swear, don’t
drink, love one another. But the essence of it all is lost in “doing” when the
heart has to transform first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so so
SO amazingly blessed to have a career that allows for tons of free time. So
eventually I wanted to volunteer I wanted to do good, I wanted to be that good
little Christian that earns her heaven brownie points-- when first, I need to
Love Jesus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because once you know His
heart.. doing for others comes out of a place of thanksgiving. It comes out of
a place of joy. Not obligation. <span style="color: #00b0f0;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> <span style="color: red;"> </span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: #00b0f0;"><span style="color: red;">I’m off the hook and Jesus is on the hook.</span></span> </span>And
sometimes I’m okay with that. I mean, He willingly chose to go on the Cross for
me- so I should be fine with it, no? No! (That song “should’ve been me” comes
to mind) On page 138 Bethke writes “He doesn’t just let you off the hook; he
put Jesus on the hook for you.” I had to put my book down, close my eyes and
take a second before I let that sink in. The heaviness of it- the weight of it
finally comes down on me.<strong> When you see your flesh desires as directly linked
to Him as His suffering; and it has been etched in your heart that as His love
for you—knowing what you’ve done and will do—<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He still chooses to go to the Cross for you-- When you see your wrong
doings as that crown of thorns or that lashing and you realize that you love
Him so immensely that you want to do everything in your power to not cause any
more harm—you will be able to say no to the world <s>easily</s> and move on
from that temptation. It won’t be easy, but it will be done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It won’t be easy, but it will be done</strong>.<span style="color: #00b0f0;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> <span style="color: red;"> </span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: #00b0f0;"><span style="color: red;">I desire gifts over The Giver, benefits over <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the essence.</span></span> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was one of the hardest things for me to
accept. It was hard to admit. But it’s the truth. I can hide but God already
knows my heart, so I might as well come out and say it. So as my previous blog
posts have suggested, my hearts latest desire was to get married.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That didn’t go over so well. I had idols, I
wanted, I desired and I loved and I loved hard. When it all came crumbling
down, I didn’t know how to cope. I still to this day, have moments when I don’t
know how to. My orphan spirit reared it’s ugly head and I started comparing. I
looked at others who were married and asked God “Why not me? Why did you bless
them with this and not me?” I started to strive- if I just make friends with
people that have happy marriages, they would know other happy people and hook
me up. If I don’t give into desires of the flesh and give into the spirit, God
will get me closer to my future husband. If I am good then God will… <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I..If I..If I. I soooo wanted to be married
that I lost sight of The Giver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
gifts of marriage are sacred. But The Giver is truth-The Giver is love-The
Giver is life abundant. Part of me wanted to be married for the benefits of
marriage rather than the essence of marriage. At one point I wondered if it
even mattered WHOM I<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>got married to…
(Thankfully, the answer to that was a resounding YES!) <span style="color: #00b0f0;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> <span style="color: red;"> </span></span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="color: #00b0f0;"><span style="color: red;">Jesus is just a guest in my house.</span></span> I live like
Jesus comes to visit me. With good intentions, I invite Jesus to come invade my
house, my body and soul every day when I pray, worship, journal and listen to
sermons. I get that he is a gentleman and he will not come unless invited… but
Papa said He never left. He just took a step back and in turn invited me and
waited for me to take a step in. And that’s just it- He’s not a guest! He is my
creator. He is ever present. He loves me so much that he never leaves my side.
So..why would I treat him like a guest?! In fact, as I was having this
epiphany, Jesus tells me I am in a season of transition from daughter to bride.
As the previous point says- it was my hearts desire to be married and scripture
says to delight in him and you will receive your hearts desire! <span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span>
So, how do you live with your husband? Does your husband come to visit and then
leave after a couple hours? No. He comes home to stay. He doesn’t need to be
invited, he knows that’s home. I still am a sinner, I still stumble and he
still comes home. He desires me so much more than I’ve ever desired anyone
else. When my last relationship didn’t work out, for weeks I would run to the
window every time I heard a car door slam hoping it was my ex. I waited for
what seemed like forever. Now, in my season of transition, I realize that Jesus
waits for me in the window every day. And there are days that I choose to turn
my back and walk away and sin. And when I come back I am broken, disheveled and
a little dead inside. And like Hosea, Jesus picks me up from the slave market,
brings me home and cleanses me. I am His Gomer and He is my faithful Hosea. <span style="color: #00b0f0;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In
conclusion, as a Jesus lover, Christ follower… I have to set high
standards…real high standards; for myself, that is. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Somehow,
I knew- this isn’t where my relationship ends. ;-)</span></div>
</div>
GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-57128542881128602032013-10-28T13:09:00.003-07:002013-10-28T13:09:36.407-07:00Single and not waiting<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So I just read this article by Rachel Selinger from Converge magazine and LOVED it!! I'd simply post the link, but my neurotic self has convinced my normal self that the article may one day be taken down, never to be accessible ever again. So I'll copy and paste (and post a link at the bottom.) <br />
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<br />
<br />
"I’m 23, I just graduated from university, and I’m <a href="http://convergemagazine.com/26-unmarried-and-childless-8736/" title="26, unmarried, and childless">single</a>.<br />
<br />
Many of my friends are married, and a few are starting to have children. And I feel as if I just graduated from high school again. You could say my life is in transition. And it’s true; I am in the middle of shifting myself from university to the career world. But I’ve started to wonder about whether it’s right to refer to my singleness as an in-between stage.<br />
<br />
What exactly am I in-between again?<br />
<br />
“It’s the first day of the rest of my life.” I recently I heard someone on TV say this about her wedding day, and it really bothered me. While I don’t want to discount the gift of marriage, I must say I’m a bit confused and frustrated with this sentiment. I’ve heard the cliché before, but I suddenly felt the weight of it. As if it equates marriage as the start of life, or at least the good part.<br />
<br />
Don’t misunderstand my frustration; I think there is a beautiful element of starting a new family with your spouse. I’m all for godly marriage. But what I’m afraid of is viewing life through the lens of marriage as the goal. For waiting to get married before life starts.<br />
<br />
I’m afraid, because I’m afraid it has happened to me. I’ve been living like I’m waiting for someone to get here. And it isn’t Jesus.<br />
<br />
I’ve wasted my time, my energy, and my emotions on this concept that singleness is just a waiting room for a relationship. I’m tired of this view that my life begins when I wake up next to my husband, because I’m pretty sure my life began 23 years ago when my mom gave birth. And this mentality has robbed my joy.<br />
<br />
As much as I’d like to place all the blame on Christian culture, the perpetual “Have you met anyone yet?” question the world asks me, and the reality that my Facebook feed looks more like a Pinterest wedding board these days, I am convicted of my own failures.<br />
<br />
I’ve been living like God owes me something. Like he hasn’t held up his end of the deal. He has given me the desire for relationship and marriage, and he just hasn’t followed through.<br />
I’ve been living under the impression that I deserve a relationship.<br />
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I’d be lying if I said Christian culture does much to inhibit this mentality. There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I’ve got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.<br />
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There are at least a handful or us standing around, wondering what happened. (After all, I have been pretty nice this year.)<br />
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But it’s never been about being entitled, or even about being nice. I have to stop thinking that I’m doing something wrong here.<br />
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Well actually I am, but it isn’t about fixing something that will magically make a boyfriend appear. It is about changing the direction of my heart.<br />
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<em> “I’d rather have the right God than the wrong man.”</em> –- Christen Rapske</div>
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People talk all the time about pursuing people or things for the wrong reasons, but maybe we pursue God for the wrong reasons. Maybe subconsciously I’ve been treating God like he’s a vending machine. And my pursuit of him has really been a pursuit of someone else.<br />
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When did Christ cease to be enough?<br />
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And when did I stop finding my identity, self-worth, and fulfillment in Him, only to place my life on hold for someone I’ve never even met?<br />
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Each day is a gift, and I’m not waiting for it to get here. It is present in every moment, and it begins anew daily. Man-less or not, I want to wake up every morning and be excited because I get to spend my day with the God who created the universe.<br />
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And I want to do that for the rest of my life"<br />
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<a href="http://wp.me/p1EUL8-2pJ" target="_blank">Link to the original article</a><br />
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GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-38112276300524710362013-10-25T21:27:00.001-07:002013-10-25T21:27:56.216-07:00Journey Journal<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Stepping into "single-dom" isn't easy. I can't speak for <em>all </em>women, but I go through stages, some last longer than the others. Sometimes I go back and forth between the stages, and sometimes I can be in different stages at the same time. What is interesting is that whenever I go through these stages, it is totally unconscious and I am only aware of it after being in that stage for a while. I am a hermit by nature (and zodiac sign- cancer..woot woot!) and so most people don't know what goes on under the shell. The shell isn't necessarily a tough one; sometimes it's just a smiling face- but unless I <em>want</em> you to know..you'll have no idea where I'm at. So it's easier to sway from one stage to another without anyone knowing/ keeping tabs ..or being held accountable. It's not that I'd feel judged- my friends and family are very accepting and supportive. It's just that I want to take my time with it. I don't want to feel rushed, because eventually if I feel like closure has not been achieved, I will revisit the stage. So it's more like..taking my own dang time with each of these stages. It's the freedom I like. Or maybe it is a self-defeating behavior. I'm not sure yet. I'm still working on <a href="http://goldensoulsista.blogspot.com/2013/07/operation-imatter.html" target="_blank">Operation imatter</a>. <br />
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Anyhow, we were talking about stages...I'm not going to just give away the stages- I am a Cancer after all ;-) But what I can tell you is sometimes I am hit with a wave of independence; where I realize I am single. The next step, I know is to focus on myself. I start thinking about what do <strong><em><u>I</u></em></strong> want? What does this beautiful amazing creature of God want? More importantly, what does Papa want from me? So I journal. Almost daily. I am able to pinpoint what I love, what I want- what Papa wants from me. Our lines of communication are awesomely clear- it's one of the perks of being His favorite ;-) <br />
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So, what's keeping me? Well, you know how people always love to show off their Befores and Afters? Be it a renovation of the house/ weight loss/ beauty make-overs etc ... People forget to show the DURING. Seriously. The crux of the transformation. It's not the revelation or the result. It's the in-between. When you are struggling, when your will power is not at its best. When you want something and instead of listening to your gut and running the opposite way- you go with it anyway. When you've been climbing a steep mountain for months and you shift your focus <em>for one second</em> and down you go. You scrape and try to dig your nails as hard as you can into the dirt and you try to cling on to the weak blades of grass that come down with you , you keep sliding down and panic sets in because you don't want to go back to that place. When you are ashamed of yourself for giving in or not trying hard enough to not slide back downhill- <span style="color: red;"><strong>The Failures</strong></span>. <strong><em>That, </em></strong>my friends, is the DURING. It's where I am and that's what I will focus upon. <br />
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Why? Let's be honest. It's very easy to look at pictures or read stories of the befores and afters and then to dreamily wish that you were in that After. Where you've gone through the grunt work and life is now just that peachy. And it's also very easy to remember your struggles and then talk about it- but I think a lot of the heartache and realities of the struggles are forgotten. You never truly capture the true essence of the During. So, yours truly volunteers to be your guinea pig and welcome you to join me in this journey. Now, I understand a lot of you might wonder why I am so confident- smug even- to KNOW that there is even an After in my future. Well, I'm confident there is because I am child of Christ and I know He has an awesome plan for me. <br />
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So here goes: <br />
October is a hard month for me, and all 2 of you reading this know that. So, I've definitely taken a few steps back. I'm not just talking about dating life either. I'm talking Journaling and Papa time as well- which I will be fixing tonight ;) In regards to the healing heart- Some days I am a mountain climbing expert and go through the days with ease..sliding across that smooth marble floor like Tom Cruise did in that stupid movie with his stupid shirt and tighty-whiteys. Other days I am like one of my video game characters that has repeatedly hit a brick wall (and keeps walking into it... for hours on end.) Strides that have been taken in healing my heart from generational curses or even the original sin...well I've got to go back a few chapters and re-read and re-learn it all. It's funny it takes so long to learn things- but it takes 2 seconds to unlearn those things- mainly because it's not engraved in my personality yet. (AHA! moment for me and Arya!)<br />
Today is a mix of shame and panic. I was doing well until I chose to step of the ledge and ended up sliding down- digging my nails into the mix of rubble and grass blades. I *thought* it'd be okay, and I even had a small voice telling me that I knew better- but I chose to experiment anyways. And so now I'm face down on the floor, dirty and looking like a mad woman because between panic, shame and anger I'm not sure which emotion has got the best of me and which one to deal with first. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Part of it is because my self-love self-worth has only begun to stick- a long way from it actually being engraved in my personality. In the past, I'd have hated myself for my failure- I would have paced the room back and forth yelling at myself for my choices. I'd even have called myself a few choice words- but a big stride has been made in sense that I don't hate myself for it and no sort of pacing or name calling followed. I'm at a point where I can say "okay, this is where I am. How do I get to where I want to be and what will it take?" And then go from there. I am okay with experimenting, with theories and hypothesis and dealing with different possible outcomes. What I am NOT okay with is feeling like I've taken a step away from Papa. What I am not okay with is trying to find someone else to blame for this. My choices have consequences and I am not at a point where I can say this is me. What's frustrating me right now is the fact that when I am going through the motions, I seem to lack the intelligence to listen to my heart...listen to Papa and STOP when I need to. (Or start... depending on the situation.) <br />
So every day I seem to discover more things that I need to work on. There are accomplishments as well- don't get me wrong. But I also know...that in order for me to be able to CLAIM that "That's Me" .. I'll have to be consistent in accomplishments. In order for me to say "that's my personality".. will take a long time and it's a long road ahead of me. But I got new shoes and I got Papa by my side. So hopefully Papa will take me: Golden Soul Fire Princess, turn me into a golden fireball and NITROBOOST my butt into awesomeness ;) I have faith ;)</div>
GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-56336041853071136382013-07-16T20:14:00.001-07:002013-07-17T10:27:54.390-07:00Operation: iMatter<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So it's been a while...Life's been busy with its ups and downs. I cannot honestly say if I've welcomed it (or reacted/responded) gracefully to it but I do know that I've tried my best and kept Papa in focus. <br />
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I was struggling a lot for the past 2 months or so. Becoming unhappy with my situation and my surroundings- letting others dictate my mood and my hoop. Then I came across this saying:<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b><span style="color: red;">Time has a wonderful way</span></b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b><span style="color: red;">of showing us what</span></b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b><span style="color: red;">really matters.</span></b></i></span></div>
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It was like a bomb exploded in my face. What really matters. I realized I had let myself go. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. And time...was/is showing it! While I was working on the spiritually part, I was not concentrating on the physical and emotional aspects of my life. I was letting it fly with the winds...letting other peoples emotions and issues sway it back and forth. Needless to say I was a wreck. (I should say am..because I'm still in the process of unstitching this web of shame.) </div>
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During Rutgers, I had gone through a phase of drinking, dancing, partying, being as vain as vain can get... I was at an extreme. Everything was about me and the world revolved around me. I was the ONLY thing that mattered. I became part of a tumultuous relationship which rocked my world (and not in a good way.) My emotions were raw and ...immature since I had not put any work into 'my feelings and emotions and all that junk.' My emotions are still a bit unstable (I don't believe there is a single person on this earth that is emotionally stable- but that's a whole another blog in itself.) But I did put in a conscious effort to NOT be the psychotic train wreck that I was at one point. (Enter: Rigid Emotions/ Emotionless Me) Then as I got older, I realized I was put on this earth for a reason- and that reason was not to look in the mirror and admire the miracle of nature I called "Me" ...there was actually something bigger...a calling. Which would've been fine... except I swung into an extreme where I didn't care about what my outside looked like. I let myself go. And went I did. </div>
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Time has a wonderful way...that time....</div>
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of showing us what </div>
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really matters.</div>
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Few years later, I am excited to be spiritually awakened, however my emotions and my physique have suffered tremendously. I became this stern... being. I can't even say a "person" because a person would have emotions.. would have friends and feelings.. (I mean I do have friends, however I isolated myself a lot more at the time.) As the emotions built a brick wall to keep all the creepers out of my heart, I unconsciously built a physique that kept people away as well. Even today I have some people tell me they're afraid to approach me. I'm intimidating at times. But I'm trying to change that...I swear I am lol. <br />
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So it made me question: Am I changing myself and trying to be a fake version or am I becoming myself? Much thought has led me to conclude: I believe I am re-creating myself. Papa has shown me His blueprint called ME. And now it is my job to fill it in and bring it to life. I'm not trying to mold myself into something I'm not. I'm simply discovering myself. And I'm mostly enjoying it- I say mostly because me and uncertainty do NOT get along haha. And this journey is all about that!!</div>
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See balance is a great thing- if one knows how to achieve it. I hate it because I haven't the slightest clue as to how, when or where I can find this thing called balance. If I even attempt to do one thing- the other falls off. If you notice it's been the theme of this blog since it started lol! Nin.Com.Poop. bah.</div>
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So I am trying to make an effort to find this balance. To feed myself spiritually, emotionally and physically. To take care of myself. I am now working towards becoming who I was meant to be. Papa has put
love in my heart- not hate, not rigidity, not unkindness. Love. I am
meant to show Papa's love. I am becoming more and more aware that my love is unique. It is the love that Papa has put in my heart to give the world-- just a small fraction of a tiny glimpse of what He has for us. <br />
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How am I going to accomplish this? By learning to love myself first. I have to give to myself (and learn to receive freely- no orphan spirits allowed here...tsk tsk!) the love I so freely give to others. And let me tell ya...it is not as easy as you'd think. But I'm at it. I have to learn to love myself and accept myself. I have to learn to matter to myself.<br />
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Time...it has a wonderful way of showing us....</div>
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what really matters.</div>
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I Matter.</div>
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So instead of griping about how long this all is taking...I am going to enjoy how long this is taking. Because it is time I am investing in myself. I matter.</div>
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Why yes, I will take an extra hour to talk
to Papa. I will enjoy His company and exchanging sweet nothings for
longer than usual. I will enjoy Him telling me how much He treasures me
and what plans He has for me. I won't blush and stop Him when He tells
me how proud He is of me. I will let Him treat me like He wants to: Like I matter.</div>
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Why yes, I'll take an hour to get ready...because I will enjoy getting ready and take pride in myself. I will take a bit longer to stand in front of the mirror and admire the masterpiece that is ME. I will enjoy every curve ..heck even every roll. I will allow myself better nutrition and I will treat myself like...I matter.</div>
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Why yes, I will take some time and cry when I am on my period haha I will let myself feel sad...and happy and loved. I won't shy away from good emotions an embrace the bad ones too. I won't hide that I feel sad or insecure. I will let you know exactly "what's wrong." Because I matter.</div>
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This is a long process... but I'm finally gonna be ME. And I am enjoying it. Soaking it in as much as I can- being as meticulous as I wanna be! If you want to come with me in this journey...that's awesome! If you don't, that's awesome too! I ain't worried about it honey (lol) because I finally believe what Papa says....</div>
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<span style="color: red;">iMatter</span></div>
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GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-48959983130852888062013-04-25T07:38:00.001-07:002013-04-25T07:38:24.273-07:00Short; all over the place; train of thought raw.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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So I'm sitting here this morning, and listening to some worship music, and I realize how far along I've come. I was so used to living in the law...now that I live in grace, I see how beautiful, kind and loving Papa can be. For so long I blamed the church, or simply didn't care to give it a thought. I didn't think in my leisure time, I'd be listening to worship music on the regular. I hope to raise my kids to think this is the norm. That Papa loves them...that He, indeed, is a forgiving, all gracious Father that accepts us for us. He has unconditional love- truly and unsurpassably unconditional love like no other. That they come to tears just thinking about how much grace He has for us. How they, too, can love freely and know that Papa God is there to protect them. Daily worship and family prayer won't be anything new to them. That's not to say it wasn't new to us, we went to our ridgid church every sunday, bible study classes/ cathecisim classes, we'd listen to Christmas music (not worship music, mind you) every November-January. However, we never were taught that Papa God is so amazing. That His Goodness is so powerful... that we can soak in it everyday. That we have a choice...that "all we have to say is 'Yes' ...a simple 'Yes'..and we take one step and he runs a hundred towards us." (Kate Wegenast)So this is all exciting and new to me...But the point being, when I have kids, this will never be a new concept to them. That in itself, will put them a million miles ahead of me. If just that is my legacy, I'll die a happy woman. :)GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-26307381214795497222012-09-09T01:50:00.000-07:002012-12-22T01:51:14.255-08:00YAY!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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September 9th 2012
So I’ve started going to church again. It is for people between the ages of 20 and 30, non-denominational. I absolutely LOVE it! The first week, Alyn (Scottish pastor/prophetic) talked about the misconceptions of God. How the image of God is distorted from a kind, loving, accepting God to this… this… God that is borderline evil, that wants you to repent and wants you to be perfect and wants you to say that you are a sinner and beat yourselves about it. Yes, everyone has room to grow- but Alyn also talked about us being made- the way HE wanted us to be! In his own image! “God doesn’t hate you.” He said. This ministry is open to all. What you do is between you and God. I absolutely loved it. He kept saying “and God told me…” like He was having a conversation with another human being…. I was initially a bit jealous. He kept talking about God’s plan for him, and how God told him that he is going to be a prophet and he just kinda…laughed. I kept thinking “wtf!! HOW can you hear God? I’ve been asking Him the same dang question for almost 3 years now and I’m still lost.” (It’s true..I’d be like “God if you want me to do blah blah blah… let so n so call me right now.” No calls hahaha) But then he uttered the magic words. “If you feel like God isn’t talking to you..or if you feel like you’re trying to listen- but you just can’t hear… we have a class that runs for 14 weeks “ SOLD. (Although they weren’t “selling seats” lol) They also call God their “Daddy” or “Papa” or “Dad” … like He were a living, breathing… being that they can touch and just… live with. He is and they do. I’m still very uncomfortable with calling Him Dad or Papa, I always called him Father and so for now, I’m sticking to it.
During one of the two worships, Alyn talked about God’s plan for you is SO GREAT that He cannot just tell it to you, because you just might keel over and die LOL. He has to reveal it to you slowly. Didn’t think much of this, but when I was doing my reflecting…. BAM!!! THIS is why I always felt like there HAD to be more …to life..to relationships..to feelings…to emotions… I was just never satisfied! I kept thinking about God’s plan for me. I already knew. I’ve always known. I’ve dreamed about it and spent HOURS UPON HOURS day-dreaming about what it would be like, but I never acted on it because “Everyone fuckin thinks they’re special. Everyone wants that amazing life. Come back to the real world dude!” (HOORAY!! Negative thoughts!) Anyhow, so I have accepted this challenge. I’m going to do it! Every session I feel like something was said that God really was giving me these signs… on which way to go.
I also am trying to be a little more social (trying to get that girl back out there!) but I just feel so tired usually after work/ not sleeping on Mondays. When R goes around talking to people, I’ll just stand on the sidelines waiting patiently for us to leave. Sometimes my head hurts; sometimes I go into lala land. Last week R couldn’t make it, so I went to this class by myself. I made one new friend (hey, it’s a feat for a socially inept troll like me!)
So things are going well in spiritual front. I’ve been trying to journal more often, trying to relax and meditate as well. I’m back into the gym- in fact, I beat my own personal record with leg presses- I initially started with 15 reps 135 lbs x 2 then 15 reps 215lbs x2 and finished off with 8 reps 235lbs (YES!!)x1. This was AFTER I met with my trainer, and after cardio. So good feelings! Legs are jello right now, but def worth it!
So, comin along well! See how the rest goes
GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-10550839141827827332012-07-19T01:42:00.000-07:002012-12-22T01:45:49.316-08:00It's mah birffday<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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So It’s mah birffday!! I have to say, I feel especially unfulfilled this year. Every year on my birthday, I ask myself “You have lived for __ years on this earth. What have you accomplished?” Two years ago, I was proud because I worked hard for something and I achieved it. Last year, It was “okay” because I was kind of on track with my goals. This year I feel like I am back in college, doing loser things. Not partying my life away, but I feel like part of my “fight or flight” still remains “flight” when 3 years ago, I had trained myself to “fight.” This time, it’s no particular goal in mind because I want too many things to happen all at the same time, while actually working towards nothing. What’s even more frustrating is feeling like I have blogged about this before. (Even the previous blog about the rants of being bored/ being in a funk…been there done that.) Like, seriously dude…what gives?! What is it going to take? Another life altering change?? While the change was good, what was sacrificed was much larger and I would gladly give it back- so that’s not an option. I just feel like I am making wrong choices/ ones that may not be for me. I feel like I should be much farther than where I am today. While I have these feelings (thanks to my loser college years) generally with my life milestones, this year, I feel like I took a step back. The principal grounds of these “loser feelings” have to do with two things: Financials and Arya (he is NOT the cause of this mind you, but it is more about what I should have done for him and didn’t.)
It started when my brother volunteered to help me out with my trip to NJ to see him (which was a feat in itself- thanks to walmart/western union.) I had to switch a few things around with bills just to make it there and back. It really showed me how far behind I am with my financial goals. I make more than enough money and this should not happen. There were externals, true, however the amount of switcharoo’s that happened with bill paying… BAH.
On my way there and back with Arya, it became painfully clear how behind Arya is with his socialization. I needed to have him in class as soon as I got him. He should have been neutered the month I got him. All of these things- while my family did remind me of this very gently, I know these are things of urgency that should never have been an issue.
Also, during my drive back from jersey, I was thinking about how different my life is here than back at the shore. (Arya’s the one paying for it here… having an anti-social mom n all.) Back in Jersey, I have a TON of friends and when I am there, every single day I am surrounded by people I love. I absolutely love it! However, I do need a TON of me time as well to reflect and think/keep track of life and what not. I need a middle ground. Here, I do have a few friends, but they aren’t as close to me as my Jersey friends are and I only see them via work. I need to build relationships here. You see, when I moved here, I moved in with a s/o. Life was full with his life bleeding into mine. I absolutely HATED it. So, a year later, I moved out. What I am now realizing is that in that year, I did not build any relationships because that “me time” was so rare to find when you live with someone and their child, I treasured being alone. Now that I do live by myself, the” me time” has taken over and there’s no socialization AT ALL- for Arya or me!
GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-35134524600614339862012-07-03T01:40:00.000-07:002012-12-22T01:42:18.183-08:00Ready for this to be done with<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I’ve been in a funk again…. I am bored out of my mind. I cannot go to the gym for another week per doctors advice (yea, I’m one of the few that actually follows the doctors recommendations.) For a while, I thought maybe I was depressed. I had no energy. I’d have days that I was a raging insomniac, unable to do anything other than lay in bed and try to sleep because I was so dead tired. Other days I would not be able to get out of bed. I’d wake up because Arya would cry and I’d barely be able to let him out into the backyard so he could handle his business. Back into bed and I’d sleep for 15-17 hours a day. When I was up, I’d contemplate what to eat, putz around in the kitchen and then eventually go back to bed. This lasted for a good month or so. I finally thought enough is enough (not the song :-P) and forced myself to get out of bed and clean my house. That got me out of that funk.
Now I’m at the stage where my house is clean, my puppy gets his walks and I do have some energy, but I am BORED. OUT. OF. MY. FUCKING. MIND.
I only work 3 days a week (perks of 12 hour shifts) so 4 off days go by extremely slow especially when the gym is not an option. I took up cooking and I’ve learned it’s not something I LOVE. I do it out of boredom and soon get bored of that quickly as well. I know what you’re thinking “why don’t you do that list of gabazillion things you’ve listed time and again that’d you’d do if you had the time?” I’m on a mission to pay down my debt(and to do that, I need to either stay home OR get in some overtime- BUT census is low, so no OT for me :*( bah.) So this means I have to find things that don’t cost me much. Visiting the Amazon= $$$. I know starting Friday I’ll be okay being that I’ll be in the clear to gym it up. But for now, I can’t stop bitching. And you have to listen to it. :-P
I also noticed I was becoming negative. Whenever I opened my mouth, it was either to chime in to agree with someone that was talking about negative things or I was just upset about something. Part of it was me and part of it was whom I chose to surround myself with. I realized there were a few people on facebook that just reading their status updates would get me hypertensive. I started thinking negatively in general. When I realized this, I deleted them off my list to reduce the headaches and bitching. What is helping me stay focused on the positives was the movie A Thousand Words. What if that had to happen to me? Would I bitch about things (esp. in a non-constructive way) and just talk to hear my voice? It’s still a struggle especially once I get started, and even when I realize I have succumbed into this vicious cycle again- It’s hard to stop. I don’t know why. Word vomit. Unpleasant, bitchy, mean, catty word vomit. This is not who I am. I’ve said time and again- I was the fun, crazy, silly carefree girl. I’m still struggling to find her and bring her back. I refuse to give up on her ;)
GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-56454310562233880562012-03-01T19:27:00.002-08:002012-03-01T19:48:42.618-08:00Lets play catch up...Shall we?<br />Since Sept 2011, I have:<br />+Moved to a new position at my job, a better one that will allow me to pursue my Doctorate<br />+Visited India for vacation purposes only- and LOVED it!! (Saw the Taj Mahal and many other amazing sites but more than that... I realized how much my immediate family ROCKS!)<br />+Moved out of the condo and got myself a house with a yard (for puppppiiiesss!!!)<br />+Adopted a stray Indian dog and had it flown here (much thanks to the big bro, sis-in-law, my sister aka the puppies Godmother and sisters bf aka the puppies Dad {our relationships are all askew})<br />+Found a stray here in TN (named Shaan: it means Pride in Hindi) while the Indian pups paperwork was being processed, loved it, tried to train it, failed, sent it to a (very expensive) trainer and can now <em>kind of</em> live in harmony.<br />+Finally got my Indian baby home (Named Arya: Sanskrit for Noble/great) and am having so much fun with him<br />+Arya and Shaan have decided to NOT get along so I am now on puppy duty all hours of the day and much of the night. (Where are the sedatives when I need them!?--for the dogs that is, not me!)<br />+Sister and Ron visited and we had lots of fun!<br />+Became single<br />+Got a chance to rethink WHY I am not on my path to my DNP per plan.<br />+Revisited my priority list. Need to refocus.<br />+Realized taking on more than one thing apparently makes me flustered. So I am going to unfluster, refocus and take one day at a time.<br />+Tried to do this Body detox/cleanse thing which didn't go well due to my coffee addiction. Will try again after weaning myself off the coffee. (I've done 3/10 days of it- and I did really well, just the coffee withdrawal headaches were too much to handle cold turkey. So my mission for the next month is getting OFF coffee and retrying this Cleanse-- which I already am seeing results of!)<br />+Realized I need patience with people and puppies.<br /><br /><br />Now that things are ...slightly calming down, I will be updating more frequently. For now, I have to take the lil one to pee! Toodles!GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-36968179339718925302011-09-28T19:21:00.001-07:002011-09-28T19:53:28.018-07:00Warning: October is Debbie Downer month!Standing in the shower, I was unable to stop crying. I missed my mom today so much more than usual. I didn't know why. Later I realized it is about to be October- that time of the year again. I didn't feel guilt or anything other than missing her. I usually don't talk about it with my siblings in fear that just in case it's slipped their minds, I don't want to be the asshole that reminded them. However, I already know they know too. And they don't bring it up in hopes that I'm not thinking about it. In reality all 3 of us just think about it and get through it in our own ways. When all 3 siblings were in travelling distance, we'd go and have a bbq/ drink. We'd just shoot the shit and have good times. It'd take our minds off of the emotions. But this is the 2nd year that we're all far away from each other, but this year at least the day falls on a weekday. So I know my siblings will be busy. I'll be dead from working the night before, so maybe I'll sleep the day away. I hope.<br />It'll be 5 years this year. It still feels surreal. Talking about it.. Talking about it logically clears my mind. I've already done that. All the sorting, the finding, the searching ...all of that is done. Conclusion is done too. I've gone to support groups as well. The only thing it facilitates is crying. I can very well do that on my own :-P Whoever said time heals all, lied. It may just make you busier, or make you forget. It doesn't hurt any less. I may have sorted out through the emotions, however the loss is still there. The void is still not filled. It angers me when people say "Oh eventually it'll not hurt as much..." Bullshit. It still hurts. Just as much. I may just not be as <em>confused</em> emotionally.<br />So I will stay missing my mommy. Till The Big Man Upstairs decides it is time for us to meet again!<br />Love you ma! *hands you the mic* "iske baare mein aap ka kya khayal hai?" :)GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-60881347218501821682011-08-31T12:10:00.000-07:002011-09-01T10:20:20.593-07:00Eat, Pray, Love. My own version.I am as much a perfectionist as I am a cancerian, so I have to look at things, analyze it, examine it, study it and then sleep on it (and most of the times, I'll wake up the next day to do more analyzing and examining.) This is how I operate in almost any situation. I like to know what I am getting into. I can't just dive into an unknown and study it as I go along. Nope. The very thought of it sends me gasping for air, needing an Ativan STAT. <del>I think </del>This is my biggest weakness.
<br />I feel lost lately. I have all these mixed feelings about where I am, who I am, who I am <em>meant</em> to be... sometimes one feels right, sometimes the very same thing makes me want to scream and run off into a distance where no one knows me. I feel like there are parts of me that are dying. I don't want them to die, however, I know its not humanly possible to be all of that, add on new roles and still keep on trucking like it comes naturally. Maybe its me- I challenge every thing that society tells me (I never said I win, mind you.) Sometimes I win, sometimes society does. The up side of it is, that in either situation, I'm never disappointed because I know I tired, and I proved to myself one way or the other.
<br />Currently the person that I am-- is so different from where I started. Some parts of it are good, the others, I (and everyone around me) could do without. I feel like certain situations have caused me to have baggage that I do know exists, but I haven't worked on cutting them loose. This, in turn, has become a baggage that I carry around daily, literally. As the figurative baggage piled on, the literal did too. The bigger the baggage, the more mean I became. I mean, the wild shrew in me is definitely ALL me, however I remember being sweet and carefree. I remember smiling and laughing a lot. I remember that the wild shrew would only surface when necessary and it would stun the people that evoked the wild shrew because they always thought of that me as the sweet, carefree girl. But the wild shrew would go back into hiding until needed. Now all that is left is the Wild Shrew. And while I know exactly <em>how</em> I got to this place, I'm not sure why I never stopped myself from becoming a permanent resident.
<br />This brings me to the Eat, Pray, Love title. I saw the movie and first I was kinda like "That's a cool movie." Fast forward a few months later... I started to think about my journey and I realized I had to watch it once more. {I mean, the movie itself is not an epiphany or anything. And I think the end of it was crap. HAHA! I mean, "Sometimes to lose your balance for love, is balance" is not telling me much about balance itself. XD (Yes, I need to be spoonfed about such things.) And again, I refuse to believe that I need to lose my balance for love. }
<br />ANYHOO! While Julia Roberts and the vein in her forehead spend all that money to go to Italy, India and Indonesia (did the airline charge her an extra seat for that vein and teeth? :-P) I was already thinking about the balance of things. I believe this is the root cause of the Wild Shrew's permanent appearance, disappearance of my sweet, carefree self, my general unhappiness and the 3 grey hairs I found on my head that I have so lovingly named after my M. I have to find a balance. And I've never taken the time to do so. Heck I haven't even thought about what is THE most important for me, versus what is important, but not as important :-P. {I think I need to buy the entire section of Borders Self-Help Books ...oh. wait. Borders died. wahhhh!!}
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<br />SO, I've come up with these categories: Cannot live without (<span style="color:#ff0000;">I</span>) ....Important to have once a month (<span style="color:#ff0000;">II</span>)... Important to have every so often(<span style="color:#ff0000;">III</span>)...Have to do for life/work commitments (<span style="color:#ff0000;">IV</span>).
<br />Here are the list of what's important to me and where they fit into the list:
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<br /><li>Volunteer (locally) <strong>III</strong></li>
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<br /><li>Volunteer in Africa with Dr. Mukwege<strong> I</strong> (I say this as numero uno because I know this is something I HAVE to do, albeit not daily, but once a year or so. I cannot imagine life without going there every so often)</li>
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<br /><li>Workout <strong>I</strong> I become a different person when I'm not gym-bound.</li>
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<br /><li>Cook/ Clean/ Duties of a gf/momma-figure <strong>II</strong>. (I rated this a II because I feel like it has to be a good balance. As much as I love my M and the little one, I feel like there has to be a clear definition of ME <em>first</em>. The cleaning /cooking/duties come naturally with the love, however I don't think its something that DRIVES my life/fulfills all my goals in life. Ya know?)</li>
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<br /><li>Putting time in for Make-up/ presentation of self <strong>II. </strong>I rate this II as well, because while it is something that I'd like to do, I don't think it defines me. I'm not the go-to-girl for presentations because I am who I am. I know it is important but I also know I can live without makeup :-P (One of my ex-bosses threatened to call TLC's "What Not To Wear" show on me! That was almost a decade ago so don't worry, I'm MUCH better now and do take the time to get myself together XD)</li>
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<br /><li>Study/ Learn new things <strong>I.</strong> It's just a part of me. I'm a nerd. ;) I NEED to learn new things constantly- if not I feel like I am stagnant. That my brain is melting, rotting, wasting away! </li>
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<br /><li>Keep up with my RN-giri <strong>Toss up between I and IV. </strong>Mainly because my patients deserve it and because I need to be the best ;) but also because it is necessary to keep my lic. :-P </li>
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<br /><li>Be around my girls/guys! Friendships and Reunions <strong>II.</strong> I know this should be a I. And if I was living close to my peeps, it'd be a I! BUT I'm approx 14 hour drive/ 2 hour flight away from them so I have to make sure my wallet can handle it. Now while I physically don't go to them every month, I do need to talk and rejuvinate myself by at LEAST talking to them on the phone/chat. They bring life to my life ;) </li>
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<br /><li>Nice-ities of life (The House, The Car, The typical things WOMEN want lol!) <strong>III</strong> Face it, it'd be rad to have, but I'm not going to be upset if I don't have it. I need a car that'll get me from point A to point B {now if that car happens to be a Lexus, WOOHOO! But till then, my 97 "Mama Dean" (you can imagine the condition of the car if I've named her that) will do just fine!} BUT What I do need though (and I'll go ahead and number this a <strong>I</strong> is ONE room in the house that's just MINE.) Call it whatever you want. I feel like the house, whether I do decorate it the way I want or M and I compromise and decorate it to both of our liking, is going to be used by all family members. So if the M (who has already claimed the basement) gets the basement as a place of solace, I should at least get one room that I can call my place of solace. </li>
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<br /><li>Have a PARTNER <strong>I </strong>This is one of my top priorities-- not so much the "Have a" part..but the "PARTNER" part. I'll be happy single- I've been. (Actually, one of the times that I've been happy and the most myself was when I was single.) My relationship status does not define who I am. BUT I also know that IF I have to be with someone, that person better be a PARTNER in a true sense. People say that a 50-50 relationship does not exist. I challenge that every day. M and I work at it everyday. We may not be THERE yet, but we're certainly closer to it today than we were yesterday. I cannot and will not settle for any less. Thankfully, my M knows this too. ;) </li>
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<br /><li>Dogs and Cats and sundry Pets <strong>I </strong>I have lived with pets all my life. I am a part of them just as much as they are a part of me. :) (I love animals. A lot more than I love humans. Sorry :-P) </li>
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<br /><li>Volunteer for Animals- Best Friends or something to the sort<strong> II </strong>I've wanted to do more with animals (at one point I had enquired to be an Animal Cop in NYC) I've always wanted to impact the animal world somehow.... just don't know how yet! Again, although I don't travel to Utah monthly, I'm hoping while I'm not there, I'm doing something to make a difference in an animals life each month.</li>
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<br /><li>Church!! <strong>I</strong> It's something I HAVE to do. My beliefs and my values aren't something I can compromise on. Praying daily and mulitple times helps me get through the day :)</li>
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<br /><li>Go out to places that make ME happy <strong>II</strong> Being that my M and I have COMPLETELY different tastes in music, I realized I've been <em>mildly</em> (I use the term liberally here)miserable because we've mostly been going to places that play his kinda music. While I'm not completely miserable when there, I do miss .. me. I miss being able to dance the night way, just let go and be happy. Music makes me happy. (Music that I like, that is!)</li>
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<br /><li>Write/Read/ sundry hobbies <strong>III</strong> Because while they do make me who I am, it doesn't define me completely. I do need to go back to reading, writing etc. once in a while, but on a typical day, I don't YEARN to do so. </li>
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<br /><li>Travel <strong>III </strong>Again, I'd love to travel all over the world and see places and just vacation in general (who doesn't?!) It's something that'd be nice to do once in a while. But I cannot just completely cross it off my list of " Things I'll be happy with never doing ever!" </li></ul>
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<br /><p>YEP! That's my list. Now I have to work on keeping this list (in order of priority) in my head and balance my life ;) </p>
<br />GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-50810952621619231602011-04-22T13:36:00.001-07:002012-03-01T19:56:52.625-08:00It's been a while...Sorry I haven't blogged in a while- I have been thinking about death, dying and funerals (no, not of my own even though a few of you out there were wishing I was LOL) I touched on this subject before. A part of the reason I cannot freely open my heart to love is because...of death. A coworker and his partner were together for 22 years. And I'm not talking about 22 yrs of fighting or 22 yrs of "How should I know where James* is?" I'm talking about 22 years of walking to the mail box together, 22 yrs of buying matching scrubs, 22 years of working together and driving together. If you saw one, the other was not 5 feet behind the first. I loved their love. They were my first coworker-friends in this state.<br /><br />Then Bob* died. Yes, we pretty much knew it was coming. It didn't make it any easier on James. When Bob died, I couldn't get myself to go the the funeral. Ever since my mommy passed away, I just don't do too good at funerals. Booker (an old friend from another job)'s funeral was too tough and ever since, I vowed to not go to another one. I'll send condolences, I'll go and cook (ok, order take out and go there, shut up.) I'll even go and do housework. But I cannot attend the funeral. I saw James the other day. He had lost a lot of weight. The once zestful, funny (James was the funnier of the two- the more outgoing one) and vibrant James had dwindled down. His shoulders looked shrunken, head bowed down and I think his smile has abandoned him for what seems like the rest of his life.<br /><br />I work with geriatric patients. A solid portion of them have lost their memory but remember their late husbands/wives and wander the hospital hallways looking for them. Usually, if one of the spouse has recently died, the other one follows within a year. Its heart breaking to see them in that year. To die of a broken heart. It's the worst way to go in my book. I cannot imagine loving someone and giving them your all. To essentially lose each other into the other- and then all of a sudden a part of you is gone. I'd go insane. How does one get over a shock like that? Living without your heart- what remains is a carcass that's just waiting for the grim reaper to show up.<br /><br />Worse if it happens when you're still young, like poor James. How does one even look up- forget look forward? I couldn't say much to him- I just got choked up when I ran into him in the elevator. So I rubbed his arm and stood silently beside him. I wanted to cry. I wanted Bob back. I wanted James to have his smile back. I wanted to scream because it was just not fair. I wanted to run out of the elevator as fast as I could for James was a living testimony of why I refuse to love with all of my heart. Selfish, I know but I hate crying. and facing my fears.<br />-----------------------------------------------------------------------<br />On another note...I always wondered if there had to be an ethical delimma ...would I just freeze up or I wondered if there was some 'on-off'' button that would be switched 'on' (finally!) and I'd be able to make the right choices...<br />I had an instance where a patients life was questionably in danger and while it was SO easy to do the right thing- the consequences and drama that follow are unbareable. I believe my "black-and-white" thinking at times causes others discomfort. (but hey, I did my job and my patients were safe!) Hence the name wild shrew.<br /><br /><em>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</em><br /><br />Anyhow, so to the topic at hand. We all know I'm a raging feminist and we all also know the word 'feminist' has been used and abused to no bounds. To me, a feminist is someone who is for the liberty and freedom of all women. Freedom. of. all. women. Meaning, if a woman <em>chooses</em> to be a housewife, more power to her. If she chooses to be a scientist, carpenter, secretary so be it. However, what the heck is up with women being so bitchy n backstabbing each other? I mean, haven't we gone through enough? Why the need to pull us down even more so?<br /><br /><br /><br />I have a theory. If you look at any oppressed group (except the Jews as far as I know in this case) every group has unarguably come very far....however, there are those that pull their own race/group down. I have heard every race say that. African-Americans, Dominicans, Indians, Haitians etc. "Oh! I don't know why *insert owns race here* do that! They cannot see their own go farther than them without trying to pull them down!" I'm not sure if it is a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of some sort, where that mentality is ingrained in our being or its just the viciousness of individuals. When a certain group is oppressed, survival rules kick in. Every person wants to make sure they have enough for themselves FIRST. Example, if your family doesn't have food and you see someone carrying a bag of food, you're going to take him down and take that food to your family first. Then you will help out those around you. It is a simple law of survival. So I'm thinking since these groups have had to abide by these laws of survival, it is ingrained in them to be 'on the top- first.' (Now I'm not saying every person in that group does that, but there is a percentage of people who do.) Here the black and white theory may just need some gray area. But I think the same theory more or less applies to women trying to pull each other down. Now, paraphrasing what I said in my July 3rd, 2007 blog: Power, Beauty and the Struggle, we can always count on other people trying to [pull us down.] The least we can do is take our own names off that list. :)<br /><br /><br />**End Rant**GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-56431058750957685302011-03-02T20:25:00.000-08:002011-03-02T20:37:48.022-08:00Anger and frustrationI am afraid I have gotten myself stuck again...in a rut... I am to blame. I sat on the chair, willingly so, got a nice, long rope and started tying myself up feet first attached to the chair going all the way up to my face. I even gagged myself. All while I was alone in a room with only one way out. Once I was nice and stuck, snug- if you will, I remembered I am claustrophobic in such situations. Then I started struggling; gasping for air. Trying to scream or let out a whimper at least so someone passing by may hear me. I realized the room started closing in on me and I couldn't breathe. And all that shaking and rocking back-and-forth and jiggling wouldn't loosen up the grip of the rope, instead it just made it tighter. My lungs can't expand fully because of the double knot I tied just in case I decided I wanted out. So now starts the process of finding a knife and slowly but surely cutting off the rope from each limb one by one.<br /><br />I know I've always refused to live like this- regressive ..or stagnant even. Why am I here then? Maybe there's a message that is hidden that I have not read into yet. Maybe it's all a plan- a divine plan that He Himself has conjoured up for me and I just haven't seen through it. In fact, He does not want me to see through it- just go through it with utmost and blind faith.<br /><br />So that is exactly what I'll do. I'll go through it with utmost. and. blind. FAITH.GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-6985521322816060472010-10-10T13:36:00.000-07:002010-11-17T17:35:17.017-08:0030 things to do before I turne 30 revisitedI updated my 30 things to do before I turn 30 and you can see what I did accomplish and what I did not. A few things on there are kind of an ongoing process so I marked them as "undone" but it doesn't mean I've given up/I am not constantly working on them. But <a href="http://goldensoulsista.blogspot.com/2007/07/30-things-to-do-before-30.html">here </a>is the update :)<br /><br />Things I want to accomplish by July 2011:<br />1) Prep for grad/doctorate school.<br />2) Stay focused on <em>why</em> I do what I do.<br />3) Take that finance class work is offering for free!--- DONE! =D<br />*will keep adding and italicize as I need/accomplishGoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-80906639705018521882010-10-09T22:22:00.000-07:002013-07-16T21:39:00.802-07:00So whats your stance?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have never been someone to give into peer pressure- this is true with sex, booze, cigs- whatever. I do things on my own time. When I am ready. This has allowed me to form my own ideas, opinions and values without anyone else tainting it with their beliefs. Before I come to a conclusion on where I stand on a topic, I think about it in my own time. I don't just go online/listen to someone else babble on about the topic or read a few articles and then engage in verbal spewage of exactly what I read/heard. Some say I'm headstrong, I prefer the term philosophical/unorthodox :-P But here are a few of my very own conclusions...<br />
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1) <b>My stance on The Bible</b>: I am an unconventional Christian. In that, even though I go to church most Sundays, I am not a firm believer that everything in The Bible is set in stone. The way I see it, there are MILLIONS of versions of The *true* Holy Bible out there. There are so many different translations of The Holy Bible, that I'm not sure what is real. With so many different interpretations of it, I feel like the true meaning, the true essence of The Book has vanished into thin air. I feel like some people might have purposely interpreted things to justify their feelings/ justify their prejudices/ justify their means. Everything is so twisted and turned to fit what the majority "feels" is right- it all turns into "Oh But the Bible says..."<br />
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I know in my heart what God would want me to do, and I do so accordingly. Now, I'm not saying I'm holier than thou and that I <span style="color: red;">ALWAYS </span><span style="color: black;">do the right thing. I am human, I get tempted, I make mistakes and sometimes I do it over and over again (example, I'm no virgin, nor am I celibate.) However, I also know when I am truly hurting someone and when I need to stop. For example, my stance on Homosexuality and their marriages. If 2 people love each other- </span><span style="color: red;">I</span><span style="color: black;"> am NO ONE to judge. Heck, some homosexual relationships are more genuine than hetrosexual marriages. (AND if you are one of the die-hard Bible rule-followers, I better not see "divorce," girlfriend/boyfriend, non-virginity in your past either. Practice before you preach, my brotha/sista.) If these two WILLING people want to partake in the heterosexuals sorrows (LOL) I am no one to stop them. This whole "Oh the Bible says..." thing is a crock of you-know-what to me. Even</span><span style="color: red;"><b> </b><span style="font-size: 130%;"><b>IF</b> </span><span style="color: black; font-size: 100%;">the bible DID say that such a thing is "Wrong" THEN ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE. What was that lil thing in the Bible I once heard..." Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.." YEAH.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">My M read this para and we had a discussion about it, and while we both are of very different views, we have learned to accept our differences, agreed to disagree and have moved on. This doesn't mean we don't revisit the topic every now and then, but in that discussion, I said something that I feel I need to say on here as well- For people who think this is "blasphemy," I'm not writing this for shock-value. I'm not saying that The Bible isn't God's Word- I'm saying is, with all the translations...well, the True Bible- the true Word, has been lost in translation. I do not believe that God would refuse me Heaven because I said what I said; because as long as I live the life that I feel God wants me to live<i> (to me, He talks to me through my conscience- I have a clear vision of right and wrong .... truly what is right and wrong...I'm not someone who ignores </i><i>my conscience for convenience and I know when I did/do something wrong- eg. live-in-boyfriend- I know it's wrong and I won't deny it. But I won't point fingers at OTHER people doing wrong, knowing darn well I do the same thing {be it they do it with the same/opposite sex or not} either.)</i> I feel that if one truly, logically and spiritually (<u>and that is key</u>) comes to a conclusion of what is right and what is wrong and does others no harm, God will not deny you as His child. Being honest with yourself goes a long way, I have realized. Again, if you are doing something like, living together before marriage- you are going against what the Bible says as well!! If you aren't a virgin when you get married, you're going against what the Bible says as well!! So how can you say "oh its OKAY for <b>ME </b>to go against the Bible, but its not okay for <i>them?"</i> Now, not only are you *insert sin here* but you're also a hypocrite.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">2)<b>My stance on non-human Life and animal rights</b>: I consider the value of life. I don't see if it is a cat or a dog or a human. I feel like every living creature has his/her/its personality and <span style="color: red;"><b>what we do affects and effects everything around us.</b> </span>People always kill me with this whole "Well, s/he shouldn't really have to be punished so severely ...s/he is a human and that was a dog/cat/animal." Yeah, that's what slaveowners used to say back in the day about their slaves too. Lets legalize that too now. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Now one could argue- "Hey, Goldensoul, if you do value non-human life just as much as the human life, you shouldn't be eating any meat, wear any leather or in that case- even eat any plants- so in essence, we all should cease to exist!" And to that I say, I never said we all need to die. Just like in nature, I feel if it is for survival, then so be it. Meaning, hunting for the purpose of eating- okay. But hunting for the purpose of sport- I hope you get shot in the ass by another idiot just like you. I was vegan for a whole year before I got sick because I went cold turkey (hahha! no pun intended.) I am trying to keep things as organic as my wallet lets me and once my wallet is ready (which, it is very close to being so!) I am switching to all organic/farm raised meat. I think slaughter houses should be shut down. I think farmers should be put in the forefront of the industry. But that just a tree huggin hippy talking. So while I'm wishing, I wish for 400 zillion dollars as well. (Hey, nothing wrong with dreaming big LOL) I think any industry exploiting any life should be shut down (ahh the optimist/idealist in me.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">3) <b>My Values best described:</b> I am a gangster-hippie, minus the weed, add the values. I am loyal- fiercely loyal. I won't mind taking a punch for someone I know that has my back and I don't mind throwing one out for said person either. However, I am all for peace, love and happy-ness. I think if humans just learned to live and let live without judging, medling in other peoples business and worked on our own flaws and faults instead of spending SO much time trying to find it in others, the world would be a much happier place. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">4) <b>My thoughts on humans:</b> I also think if humans would stop screwing up this planet, abusing and raping all our resources, we wouldn't suffer from so many ailments as we do today. "But Goldensoul, what about cancer research? Don't you WANT a cure??" Yes, (and this ties into my stance on non-human rights I talked about in point number 2) the first thing I'd have done IS SHUT THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY DOWN BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED. Shut down companies that sell products that screw up our bodies (*cough* McDonalds *cough*). That screw up our brains (*cough* Philip Morris *cough*). Then see how many "natural" ailments you actually have versus the NUMEROUS MAN MADE AILMENTS WE ALL SUFFER FROM. I do realize that this is all idealistic and the economy dictates a lot, my point here is: put things in perspective.<b><span style="color: red; font-size: 130%;"> So, because we are greedy and want more money, we screw ourselves up- </span></b><i><b><span style="color: red; font-size: 130%;">and then exploit innocent animals to find cure to said self-screwing</span></b>.. INCREDIBLE. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 100%;">And btw, research can be done humanely. Torturing animals or purposely giving animals ailments so you can <i>hopefully</i> find a cure is horrid. A class in history, with emphasis on Hitlers experiements, might be essential. So to all the people who sleep a lil better at night thinking "at least its not on humans," Remember that animals can feel pain the same as humans- we just don't speak the same language. Their cries are that of pain. The same type of pain humans cried when they were being experiemented on. Organic life may be a little harder, but why the heck have we become so selfish?! To save on time? save on money? EARN money? And then what?! >(</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">5) <b>My stance on prejudice and stereotypes:</b> We all generally know racisim/sexsim etc. is wrong (well, one would think.) We all know certain words and stereotypes are not funny/cool/harmless (again, one would think.) However, if you're promoting it within your own race/sex- don't be so surprised/upset when a person from another race/sex comes at you the way you come at "your own." Eg. any racial slur that is now used within that own race as a term of acceptance. If you get offended when an "outsider" uses it- be offended when an insider uses it as well. Because when you call a person that- weather you are trying to use it as an endearing term or not- YOU are saying it is OKAY for others to call you that. I get that you are saying "I'm going to make this word powerless by using it as an endearing term." But it could also be argued that well, if it is powerless to you now, it should be powerless when a non-*insert relevant race here* uses it as well. If not, the power is still there. The history is still tied with this word. The pain is still intertwined in the word- and it is <i><span style="color: red;"><b>not okay for anyone to use these words</b></span>.</i> (The same goes with women calling their friends "bitches, sluts, ho's" etc-) Let someone call me a bitch (jokingly) and watch how fast you get knocked out. (This is where the "gangsta" part kicks in and "hippie" part takes a vacation LOL.) Now if I really am being one- then that's another story- calling me out on the truth is different from trying to lable my gender as that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">That's all for now... if you want to know what my stance is on something not mentioned here, just ask :)</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Just an update: My stance on a lot (esp The Bible has changed a lot since I first wrote this...so when you're reading this, remember you're reading only a page from the book of my life. Depending on where you start and where you stop reading... will give you a very different perspective of who I am.)</span></div>
GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-18886941319249659772010-10-07T14:48:00.000-07:002010-10-09T22:18:38.580-07:00Life is such...<p><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Georgia', 'serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'font-family:'Times New Roman';" ><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;">Has anyone seen The Forbes Most Powerful Women? I think "Lady" Gaga rating in the top 10 is UTTER CRAP. Forbes says they had groups (categories) and then ranked group against group. Still UTTER CRAP. I mean, in that case, Jay-Z, Steven Tyler and the likes should have been rated among the top 10 most powerful men. If you're gonna compare "who has most balls" (well they called it audacity) then Chuck Norris should be NO. 2. Right after Pres. Obama. Were they? Nope. All this says, is that even today mainstream media takes women + power lightly. So apparently it is "A-Ok" to treat this article with such little regard and importance that "Lady" Gaga is "more powerful" than Pelosi. OR what they are truly saying is that there "just aren't enough powerful women out there to be able to come up with a <em>DECENT </em>top 10 so lets just get all b.s. people up in here.Yeah! Let's!" >(</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size:100%;"></span><p><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size:100%;"></span></p><span style="font-size:100%;">I've been battling my previous state and my new state for my license to practice for the past... 3 months now. I finally got things squared away enough where I can actually be around patients finally. What. A. Relief. I have been going out my mind, picking fights about silly lil things with the beau and suffering from insomnia due to lack of intellectual stimulation for the past 3 months. Finally, I start Monday =)<br /><br />------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />On a completely different note- I miss giggling like a lil kid and having to pinch my nose 'cause I can't stop laughing and I shouldn't be making any noise... did you guys do that when you were younger? Parents would tell you to shut up and some made a face and all the kids in the backseat would start giggling; pinching noses so as to not let out a giggle and get in trouble all over again- Yeah I miss that.<br /><br />------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- </span>GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-53828540350547190302010-10-04T12:38:00.000-07:002010-10-04T13:05:41.167-07:00Fitness n suchFor the past 2 years my life was consumed with school as first priority and so the fitness route took a back seat. Way back seat. So, almost 2.5 yrs later, I'm amazed that a) I've let it go for so long- even after graduation, pinning, getting a job, moving- I never picked it back up b) I didn't realize how out of shape I have become. I mean I can hardly walk up one flight of stairs while talking and not go into a wheezing frenzy.<br />So, I joined the gym and I've vowed to do better. I even started a *secret*(well I'm not so sure about the sercrecy being that it IS a public blog --but I digress) blog that'll help me track my goals, successes and failures. I may eventually link the two blogs, but for now, I want to see if this will be beneficial or detrimental to my goal... so wish me luck, cross your fingers , cross your toes and wish upon a star! =DGoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-17073359315239356452010-08-04T14:19:00.000-07:002010-08-04T14:29:23.857-07:00LonelyI don't fit in<br />this world<br />mama<br />Quilt me a quilt<br />to hide me<br />and All the<br />lonely people in<br />this world<br />that don't fit<br />in either...<br />(c) S.G.<br /><br />I found this poem scribbled along next to the 2 poems I wrote in<a href="http://goldensoulsista.blogspot.com/2008/05/by-yours-truly.html"> 2008 </a>It looks like my writing... it seems so..alien though... so I hope I wasn't jotting down a famous poet haha! I tried to google to no avail...so here it is! :)GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-87019320650931209382010-07-21T15:48:00.000-07:002010-07-21T16:17:52.519-07:00FearsSo, I've been away, accomplishing various things for the past few months (okay, so may be I was away for more than just a "few" months, but I'm here now :-P) and I honestly thought those accomplishments were helping me move forward. I was right- in a way. I am now a professional with <em>real</em> things to lose. I mean I did have things to lose back then- in terms of family and friends, however, I knew that my family and friends would never forsake me and accept me for who I am. Before, my fears consisted of never succeeding/failing, never moving forward with my life, never attaining those 'milestones' that seem to come to 'normal' humans so easily (for me, each of them was a struggle!) Now, however, I fear losing- my license to practice, my job, my future, my life... I thought I was getting a grip of being<em> me</em> and just as I was, just knowing that I have things to lose makes me just that much more scared. And I hate living in fear- you know? I mean who wants to constantly live in fear?! Paranoia gets the best of me you see. I have no reason to fear any of those because I am meticulous and good at what I do (not to toot my own horn :-P) and I know my future and my life are in <em>MY</em> own hands and no one elses. However, how does one knock off that annoying, nagging lil voice that pops up in your head every now and then?<br /> Anyhow, so I've promised myself to be more supportive of myself and stop beating myself up if I am not the first one to 'call' a rare disease when I see something on TV/movie. Although, the feeling is SOOOOO cool when you know something that takes others a few minutes to figure out :-P<br />************************************************************************<br /> On a completely different note, now that I have a taste of having something real to lose, I have to question-<span style="color:#cc0000;"> is it truly better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?</span><span style="color:#ff0000;"> </span><span style="color:#000000;">I mean I'm thinking about this and... ok, if you're talking about a break-up of some sorts (be it because of cheating, lying, breaking hearts etc etc) I can understand- but what about loving someone... loving them so much that you cannot bare to think about life without them, spending your entire life together, growing together, changing together, growing old together, knowing each other to the core- and then that person dies before you get a chance to croak- I am not sure if my heart could handle that. I mean I'd be depressed every. day. How can one move forward from there? How can you not breakdown and just...give up?? </span><br /><br /> Now this is only from a <em>taste</em> of finding out about how it feels like- I cannot imagine spending an entire lifetime with that someone and then all of a sudden, one day- they are gone. This is only from experiencing a tid-bit of it and not being able to even think of life without them- I was watching UP (yes, the cartoon, shut up) and to see that old man lose his love- it was heartbreaking! So that makes me question- all that pain.. all that anguish that love brings... is it worth it?? (haha, no no there's no way I will relinquish my love and walk away, I'm just pondering....)GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-5537133228984880072010-05-11T12:42:00.000-07:002010-05-11T13:24:49.684-07:00Thank YouI have to say I have to be the luckiest woman alive. With all the blessings that have been showered upon me by The Big Man Upstairs, I know that I just have to be! I just finished Nursing school and after two long years of torture, I have met many beautiful people. It still feels very surreal and I'm not used to this "time-to-myself" thing and was going stir crazy in the house. Anyhow, I have an agenda for this particular blog and a message to a few people:<br /><br />Sara: I love you so much, monkeytoes! I really do. You have supported me and without your support (emotional and financial alike ;-D) I wouldn't have been able to even apply to nursing school, forget actually finishing and becoming a full-fledged R.N =D You've constantly put me and my needs before yours and bit your tongue (okay, not ALWAYS hahah but I am sure I needed to hear what you said the times you didn't.) You know that song from Michael Franti you love "My mama told me don't lose you...cuz the best luck I've had is you!" is SO true! It had to be a heck of a luck and blessing to have you as an older sister! Ma is so proud of you!<br /><br />Patrick: Thank you for all your support as well. Again, without you, I wouldn't be able to finish. You know what you've done for me and I will never forget it either (even if you don't think I know the <em>extent</em> of what you've done, know that somehow, I do.) You are the best brother one could ever ask for. Even if you think my graduation dress is horrid =D I still love you!<br /><br />Jerry: I'm sure I have put your patience to a test and you've passed with flying colors! haha But babe, thank you for everything! Thank you for waiting patiently night after night while I did my work and THEN talked to you on the phone. Thank you for understanding and loving me unconditionally! Thank you for listening to me explain my lectures to you- I could barely sit through them and I <em>had</em> to, but you didn't have to. Yet you helped! And Thank you for all the help in psych!! You have done so much for my spirituality and my soul...It would have been such a struggle without you reminding me about what's important!<br /><br />Rezeda: My hunnibunnie... Where do I start? I have learned so much from you. I love how we can make faces at each other through class (if I did that to anyone else, they might've thought I'm a lil retarded LOL) I have enjoyed your company every day. I am so grateful to have you in my life- and it was a blessing to be in every clinical rotation with you. I will miss all the projects we did together... "Let's look for a squeezed heart!!" ... "YELLOW!!!"....not to mention all the infamous 'falls' you have witnessed me take! hahah I have had SO much fun with you and without you nursing school would just plain SUCK! Don't ever change my curious cat =D<br /><br />Olga: My dear superwoman! You amaze me-you know that? Did I ever tell you? You are an amazing woman. I cannot imagine doing what you've done. You are one hell of a strong woman!Combine with that your wit, your intelligence and your awesome straight up attitude- what more could I ask for in a friend?! I hope one day I'll be just like you ;) I really do admire you. Finally, love, all your hard work has paid off and you deserve every good thing your heart ever desires!<br /><br />Jane: Can I tell you what an impact you have had in my life?? I only got closer to you this year really, but wow, what a year!! =) Thank you for accepting me with open arms and opening your home to us as well. We've already talked about what you mean to me and what I have learned from you and how much I adore your family...Jane, you will forever be stuck in my heart ;) (does the image of you being in a jail-type-room in a big red heart come to mind? LOL) But in all seriousness, with this chapter of our lives coming to an end, I look forward to a journey with you- where ever it may lead us- I know you'll always have a special place in my heart. I love you!<br /><br /><br /><br />I know no matter what, we are all in each others lives forever. I love you guys and I am looking forward to another exciting chapter of my life!! You guys mean the world to me. I just hope that you all know that :) MWAAHHH everyone!GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-71245100173055324982009-12-02T17:51:00.000-08:002010-01-31T10:13:11.836-08:00Rant....So I was watching Kathy Griffin on Comedy Central the other day... and she looked like she had lost (a lil' too much) weight recently and was *still* trying to appear smaller by wearing all black, a corset 2 sizes too small with a shirt that barely buttoned up- I mean you could tell she could barely breathe - and not to mention pants that were 3 sizes too big (and long.) Now- I know <strong>I</strong> should be <em>the last person </em>to talk about what someone is wearing but even a fashion-idiot like me could tell she was really trying- anyhow! So she mentions that she lost some weight and she went on to explain how she did it- "I'm hungry...I am constantly hungry! That's how I do it!!"<br /><br />*pause*<br /><br />Really?? Really Kathy?? Come on! It's not just her though...while flippin through the channels that same evening I heard one of the "Housewives" (err... I'm guessing Real Housewives of Orange County) say "The price of beauty is not eating."<br /><br />*sigh*<br /><br />It really irritates me that they even air that shit on TV. Seriously? Is this what you're telling the public? Is this the message you want to give your children? "Starve yourself - that's all!" Whats next?? We'll be takin Whitney's advice on how to roll up a blunt and lace it with coke to get the most of it??? "Oh GIRRRLLL cocaine really makes u lose weight cuz you get so FUCKED UP!! *twitch*" This bullcrap really pisses me off. This is why I've stopped watching TV. It's full of garbage and erroneous shytttt.<br />I have more respect for women that have and maintain muscle mass (without roids, thank you very much)- now THAT is much harder to do than to give into a sickness or worse- TRAIN yourself to ACQUIRE the sickness!! Sistas- get ya head out of ya ass and take care of yourselves!!!<br /><div align="left"></div><div align="center">********************************************</div><div align="left">On a completely unrelated note, 15!!!!!!!!!!!! DAYS till I see my happiness =D </div><div align="center">********************************************</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">I've also seen a surge of young punk kids using the N word. They are not black, don't even pretend to be (ok some of 'em do pretend) and they call someone else of another descent the N word.... Now let me tell ya... these are the same kids that flinch when something larger than a testicle comes flying at them... go around trying to be "thug" n shit. I swear- have these kids even opened up a history book??? Do they know where the word gets its root from? Do they know that even black people (with half a brain) don't talk like that?? They look like ignorant uneducated fools, I say! Then people whose concept about black culture is eons away from reality look at these fools and think thats how the real black folk act and hence the fuckedupness of this nation (well, at least when it comes to race issues.) </div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">If I hear another preteen use that word I'm going go GHETTO on their asses. Madea ain't got shit on me! lol (j.k Tyler Perry..but we gon' talk about you in the next blog too ... so wait your turn!) </div>GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-21834055768154670922009-10-27T18:52:00.001-07:002009-10-27T18:52:42.621-07:00ahh...Tired AND sick? just the way to be *wink*<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />*sigh*GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-89965665339823622322009-10-22T19:02:00.000-07:002009-10-24T17:46:46.719-07:00Random Randoms<p align="left"><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" ><strong>Was tagged by Jace-Face I refuse to tag someone else and put 'em thru' the torture of what my dear friend Jace-Face has put me through- so here we go:<br /></strong></span></p><p align="left"><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" ><strong>10 years ago</strong></span></p><p align="left"><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" >I was 19</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >was outgoing, popular, pretty and the lust of many men and at first, I was innocent.</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Then I took advantage.</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" > was very lonely.</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Understood why boys were so nice to me and I took advantage</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >I made many lifepartners who still to this day have pieces of my heart. (However, I don't recognize these pieces anymore...just know that they are missing)</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Popularity meshed up all my nights and days into one giant heap of fuckmylife. Mommys lil innocence was still sweet, still raging... just a lost soul</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >life goals were met- I was the center of this dying universe </span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" ><strong>5 years ago</strong></span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >I was 24</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >fulfilled the role of a great girlfriend- my perception- not his. His changed so very often and after 4 yrs of chasing a perception that was not mine... my moods could not keep up </span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Got lost in giving my then boyfriend everything I had and happily did so </span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >was still very lonely...only found a mask called "my love" (which in itself was a lie..and it helped me cover up another lie ...and all was well in this world) </span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Realized I had no life goals and they therefore were never un-met. Just un-made. </span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Quickly and grudgingly confessed </span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Dove headfirst into 9 feet deep water knowing damn well I couldn't swim. But I learned.</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Relearned how to crawl, walk and it helped me run just a lil faster... a lil more sure that my weak ankles, brittle bones and wobbly knees will hold me up! :)</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" ><strong>Last year</strong></span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Switched my life goals but was happy with it</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >I fell in love with academia ... not for the booze not for the sex not for the nights spent at bars and not for the freedom of fuckery. But solely for the freedom of academia. </span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Questions floated around my head: What the fuck did you just do?!?!</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Immersed myself in books and love and poetry. </span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Realized I am not lonely... I love the peace and quiet of solitude</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Still did not overcome procrastination (and as you can tell it still has not changed)</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Loved myself ... swept myself off my own feet and it was the best I'd ever had... yet. I was content.</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" ><strong>Yesterday</strong></span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >I fell in love with a martial artist.</span></p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >realized I love sharing this solitude only with a select few and yet - I have to kick them out to relearn myself every now and then.</span></p><p>I laughed, stressed, felt silly, beautiful and I ached. I wanted to finally be home someday soon.</p><p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;" >Wondered if I'll ever fulfill all my dreams especially with life always making its own demands and agenda on MY time...</span></p>GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-33907824070564648602009-10-07T17:46:00.000-07:002010-03-04T06:29:47.139-08:0010:1810:18<br />I am trying to read my book but I cannot stop thinking<br />10:18<br />I think about what went through your head ..thoughts like stray bullets<br />penetrate through your chest and as you cried out<br />no one listened.<br />10:18<br />Now my mind is like a whirlwind of emotions<br />It wont stop no matter how loud I turn on the music or how much i grind my teeth<br />or how hard i use the palm of my hands to press on my ears to<br />MAKE IT STOP!!!!!<br />10:18<br />The numbers keep ringing in my ear like a haunting chant that is consuming my life<br /><br /><br />Here i fucking go again... turning this into something about me.<br />10:18<br />My mind is like a whirlwind of emotions because you see<br />the same blade that cut through your veins are now severing mine<br />from my heart bleeding into my lungs and I'm drowning<br />in my own diluted blood<br />I am choking and as I gasp for air<br />my head barely above the water<br />drowning<br />in a sea of your tears<br />in a sea of your blood<br /><br /><br />Here i fucking go again... turning this into something about me.<br />You see I dread thinking about what you must have gone through that night<br />so I turn everything I write about every thing that I spew everything that comes out of my mouth.. into something about me.<br /><br />10:18<br />The demons that haunted you must have been bigger than the love for your son<br />your son.. your sun... must have... gone down<br />and with the the dusk he took your soul<br />10:18<br />The demons that haunted you must have been louder than the shrieks of your children<br />louder than the hits of your husband<br />louder than the sermons and church bells<br />10:18<br />Your body has finally found peace<br />and it lay there ... so peaceful ... ur muscles..relaxed<br />your soul has been set free<br />10:18<br />As your free soul wanders this earth in the guise of an angel<br />you still are your childrens angel protecting us<br />from all the <em>him</em>'s in this world from all the harms in this world<br />10:18<br />keeps going around in circles and in circles and it makes me dizzy<br />nauseous because the circles won't stop spinning like a rollercoaster ride gone wrong<br />its going faster and faster as days go by and 10:18 comes closer<br />10:18<br />I realize they weren't demons that took you away<br />it was a choir of Angels that He sent for you<br />You were hand picked by Him and a chariot was sent for you<br />A special plan laid out for you by Him<br />and<br />10:18<br />we should not mourn but celebrate your freedomGoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210918947289687494.post-46617180702151593362009-10-05T19:03:00.001-07:002009-10-05T19:04:45.228-07:00Inner conflict<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUBEkNetzUuUxHQRne3ou00UEhfjIXentC5DS9RI8Z71e3VVpbysqRTlJwxGN-2Zs3De9SlZz8M_TmvqgXQ7mpRueS8bttiDaBv7oDS6Vo8-FDDGiS7zfF6ruwpynIG5kA-Q3WVDHZd-0/s1600-h/goodtwin.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 199px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389302019574006482" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUBEkNetzUuUxHQRne3ou00UEhfjIXentC5DS9RI8Z71e3VVpbysqRTlJwxGN-2Zs3De9SlZz8M_TmvqgXQ7mpRueS8bttiDaBv7oDS6Vo8-FDDGiS7zfF6ruwpynIG5kA-Q3WVDHZd-0/s320/goodtwin.jpg" /></a> I don't know which one I should be today....<br /><div></div>GoldenSoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03914641961768619960noreply@blogger.com0