Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Warning: October is Debbie Downer month!

Standing in the shower, I was unable to stop crying. I missed my mom today so much more than usual. I didn't know why. Later I realized it is about to be October- that time of the year again. I didn't feel guilt or anything other than missing her. I usually don't talk about it with my siblings in fear that just in case it's slipped their minds, I don't want to be the asshole that reminded them. However, I already know they know too. And they don't bring it up in hopes that I'm not thinking about it. In reality all 3 of us just think about it and get through it in our own ways. When all 3 siblings were in travelling distance, we'd go and have a bbq/ drink. We'd just shoot the shit and have good times. It'd take our minds off of the emotions. But this is the 2nd year that we're all far away from each other, but this year at least the day falls on a weekday. So I know my siblings will be busy. I'll be dead from working the night before, so maybe I'll sleep the day away. I hope.
It'll be 5 years this year. It still feels surreal. Talking about it.. Talking about it logically clears my mind. I've already done that. All the sorting, the finding, the searching ...all of that is done. Conclusion is done too. I've gone to support groups as well. The only thing it facilitates is crying. I can very well do that on my own :-P Whoever said time heals all, lied. It may just make you busier, or make you forget. It doesn't hurt any less. I may have sorted out through the emotions, however the loss is still there. The void is still not filled. It angers me when people say "Oh eventually it'll not hurt as much..." Bullshit. It still hurts. Just as much. I may just not be as confused emotionally.
So I will stay missing my mommy. Till The Big Man Upstairs decides it is time for us to meet again!
Love you ma! *hands you the mic* "iske baare mein aap ka kya khayal hai?" :)