I want a lot of things most girls, I think, want. But when I take a look around me and I look at these 'girls'- my peers I feel like not too many are actually going for what they *really* want. I see settlement. I see mediocrities. I see mundane faces going about their lives because theres the dream world, and then theres the real world.
No matter what I do in life- school, love, family- I am constantly searching for more. Constantly looking- sometimes for what- I don't know- but the search never seems to end. But I know that there has to be more! That every being, every action, every cessation has layers. These layers need to be peeled. Most of this search is that of my own being. I sit back and wonder if my mother and my grandmother and her mother ever got somewhere with their self searching. We never really talked much about our 'selves' our 'souls' our 'beings'- instead we just went day after day existing not living. In the rush to keep up with ...(who knows who!).. we did just that- existed. This is not to say that the females in my family never touched other lives or that no one really learned anything from them- that would be contradictory to the truth... but I digress... I read somewhere that we "are our grandmothers..." just with more things added in our life to be more efficient. I wonder how true that is... and how much of self searching...and self discovery my grams did!
This constant want...this constant search of things within ...keeps me up till 2.44 am ....
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