Thursday, June 28, 2007

More frustration

I've finally come to a point of exhaustion due to 'deeper thinking.' I caught myself wondering what it would be like to be shallow, worry and thought free. While work takes up all of my time and energy, even a millisecond of cessation causes all these thoughts to flood my mind digging deeper holes, uprooting any strong convictions. I want to feel the joys of working on auto-pilot. Search and Destroy. No "planning" no "asking" no "waiting." Just Search. And Destroy.

Thursday, June 21, 2007


I feel like theres a piece of me that's missing. Like somehow, somewhere, someone deliberately left out a piece of a puzzle just to see what the consequences would be. To see the questions, the confusion, and the turmoil I would go through because of that missing piece. To experiment exactly how much humanity really needs that single piece.

Is there something wrong with me? Or is it that people "ignore" the missing piece(s) of their lives and move on pretending they are one true wholesome, solved puzzle? I feel so lost all of a sudden, like I am at a crossroads, but don't know how I got there, and what my choices are. All I know is, I have to choose. And what I choose will be my price to pay for the rest of my life. Ah, the joys of uneducated decision making.

I get overwhelmed with such questions once in a while. They aren't truly directed at a certain aspect of my life, but at my life in general. I feel frustrated because I'm at a standstill, yet everything is moving so fast. Everything is moving so fast, yet I'm at a standstill. I am so overwhelmed with feelings yet I do not know what it is like to truly feel.

To put it in simple terms,
"_____________________" this would be a model of what other human beings are composed of.

"_________ __________" this would be me. And I see "_" is what I am missing, I see it, I know it, and it IS there... but I somehow, cannot manage to transport the "_" into the slot that it should fit in. And sometimes, I lose sight of "_" and start writing blogs that make no sense at all. Like now.

I feel like a dog chasing my own tail =(

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Yet another day of self-discovery...

There is much beauty in this world.... There are people who are just as selfish as a flower- they bloom, make peoples lives brighter, bring a sense of success and fulfillment to anyone passing by, exhilarate all animals, tingles almost all senses of anyone in its presence and then, slowly and quietly dies off, most of the times unnoticed. Then there are the kind of people that never even realize that spring has come and gone and are still focused on the winter and the dreary clouds it brings, wallowing in their own sorrows making not only theirs but others lives miserable as well. I fell in the latter category for the longest time.

I recently came to realize that there are flowers all around me! Worst part is- they ARE in the brightest of colors and in full bloom. I notice these flowers, but passed them off as an annoyance because I thought it hid other things from my focus. I noticed these flowers but I constantly wanted to know what was beyond the flowers; wondering what God wanted me to see and never once stopped to think maybe He intended for me to see these flowers and rejoice them. Real issue? I focused on the wrong things...I'd see flowers, then I'd see the setting it is in, and pass it off as hindrance or a roadblock.

Due to past experiences I have trouble trusting anyone- which is a problem, but not a big one per se- it did become one when I realized (as I write this piece) I was at a point where I could barely see any positives in anyone at all. I saw positives, but I automatically focused on the negatives. The negatives would irritate me so much that I'd deliberate over and over and I'd end up with a migraine. Enough exposure to the same negative aspect with one person, my brain automatically associated the person with a migraine and being around that person became excruciating.

Is it possible that because the world is such a cold place that these flowers seem to die quicker? That they seem to come fewer and farther in between now? Maybe. But that's not the point, is it? It's not the quantity its the quality of ones life that makes the difference. For example, I've been bitching about my colleague day in and day out. You'd think she was the epitome of a moron, an accident waiting to happen...I was so rilled up in all her "wrongs" that I forgot what a beautiful person lies beneath the roughness, beneath her "old traditional ways," beneath the woman who "takes forever to do one minuscule project". She's caring-genuinely caring and she thinks about you even when she's done with work. Occasionally, she'd cook for me and my boss just because. Not to get a raise, not to gain anything- just because she thought we'd like to have some. She does all these little things that come to her like second nature that leave me stunned. She has offered me more than most, but did I ever once stop and think "wow! this person is...something!!" Nope.

My MENTOR is this wonderful woman who has managed to raise a family and be a successful business and career woman, raising 2 kids who absolutely adore her and a husband who fought cancer not too long ago and won. This woman lost a best friend to cancer and 3 months later received news that her husband of 12 some years was suffering from the same disease. She has helped with charitable organizations, volunteered for umpteen charities and has had more social events at her house than Lindsay Lohan's done shots...I cannot fathom how one could single handedly manage every single aspect of her life so well and yet remain a size 6.

I am in no way saying that the said people are perfect in every way. Each has their own faults but the goods outweigh the bads in immeasurable units. In the end, each IS perfect in their own way. I know each one will disappoint me at one point or another. That's what humans do. You fall, and you rise and shine brighter. People need to focus on the results of the downs than the branch that tripped them down and world that didn't warn him/her of said branch ;)

The world is a beautiful place. The world is also cold and hard. It depends on how YOU choose to see it.You get what you put in... So I just made a pact with myself. I will surround myself with the most amazing people you will ever meet. I speculate the key is not that I have to hunt the future saints of this world and surround myself with them, but be the kind of person that makes people want to be amazing when around me. I want to somehow manage to take the best quality in each person I keep close and accentuate those values. I already trust few, and expect almost nothing from anyone unless I have let them in my 'inner circle.' I don't plan on embellishing anyone so much as to come off as a sycophant, but theres an amazing delicate balance of accentuating and encouraging truth and flat out ass kissing and that can be achieved with little skill,time and effort. So Good Luck to me!! =)

P.S. My Moto Q came in the mail the very next day and I love it! :-D

Random rant*
Another failed relationship
Another fleeting feeling
Another heart broken
This time it was my fault.

*No this isn't about me or any of my late, or current relationship...just came to me so I 'jotted' it down

Saturday, June 9, 2007


In Bride and Prejudice, the main character ‘Lalita’ (a traditional Indian girl who loves her country and culture) defends the concept of arranged marriage by pointing out that the divorce rate in the western culture is twice as bad. Since then I have heard the same “justification” for the same concept used as a rebuttal. Rethinking this, however, no one questions the measure of happiness in these kept marriages versus the measure of happiness in the broken marriage of the west. Having lived in a culture where arranged marriages prevailed, I have yet to see a truly happy marriage. Living in a culture where utopia is sought I have yet to see a truly happy marriage as well, but I have also seen the measure of happiness slowly but steadily rise in individuals. The sense of accomplishment, sense of self, self-esteem, pride and the overall measure of contentment in these singles is much higher than those in bound marriages.

Relationships (usually) tend to have a dependent and a supporter (the bread winner.) There is one party that needs or wants the other more than the second party- a soft and a strong, a meek and a powerful, a giver and a receiver. Marriages lasted longer in our grandparent’s era and before the woman’s rights movement not because men and women loved their spouses, but because each had a defined role. Each gender stuck to that role and being that there was always one (typically the female) who needed assurance of survival and comfort, that person would give into the opinions and wants of the other (usually the male.) Sure, one can choose to continue a marriage that is dead, depressed, heart broken, and longing and lonely and downright miserable and be miserable for the rest of their lives, and mourn the 25-50-75 year anniversary instead of celebrate it, but is that what humans- the evolution kings and queens -the ruler of this planet - are after?

A lot of times in these arranged marriages, the woman doesn't even know she has the option to leave the marriage or is so worried about what the world is going to think of her- financially broke- a female- a divorcee- that she continues to live in the marriage. Thus I rest my case about arranged marriages lasting longer than "love marriages" (Side note: The whole concept of a "Love marriage" even existing boggles my mind. Shouldn't there be LOVE in a MARRIAGE to begin with? Isn't that redundant?..apparently not to some people)

I have seen a lot of families go through life without ever knowing what it is like to be truly happy- to be happy on YOUR terms not your parents terms, not the cultures term, not the medias term and definitely not in societal terms. To be happy for yourself -to enjoy life and not get caught up living, stressing and grieving it.Americans have a concept of utopia and we refuse to accept and settle for any less. We have come to a point where people are learning to be independent regardless of gender. Breaking roles may be uncomfortable but it is educational. It is building ones self up to get to the next level- to utilize the ability and potential of a human being-is what we can do to celebrate life itself.

However, this concept is not a factor in these statistics.

So please forgive me while I laugh at the naïve little girl who tries to console herself by point out that "fact" and devoicing the very notion of human feelings and emotions by simply stating statistics, instead of standing up and taking her God-given- heck even LAW given rights as a woman.