Friday, April 22, 2011

It's been a while...

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while- I have been thinking about death, dying and funerals (no, not of my own even though a few of you out there were wishing I was LOL) I touched on this subject before. A part of the reason I cannot freely open my heart to love is because...of death. A coworker and his partner were together for 22 years. And I'm not talking about 22 yrs of fighting or 22 yrs of "How should I know where James* is?" I'm talking about 22 years of walking to the mail box together, 22 yrs of buying matching scrubs, 22 years of working together and driving together. If you saw one, the other was not 5 feet behind the first. I loved their love. They were my first coworker-friends in this state.

Then Bob* died. Yes, we pretty much knew it was coming. It didn't make it any easier on James. When Bob died, I couldn't get myself to go the the funeral. Ever since my mommy passed away, I just don't do too good at funerals. Booker (an old friend from another job)'s funeral was too tough and ever since, I vowed to not go to another one. I'll send condolences, I'll go and cook (ok, order take out and go there, shut up.) I'll even go and do housework. But I cannot attend the funeral. I saw James the other day. He had lost a lot of weight. The once zestful, funny (James was the funnier of the two- the more outgoing one) and vibrant James had dwindled down. His shoulders looked shrunken, head bowed down and I think his smile has abandoned him for what seems like the rest of his life.

I work with geriatric patients. A solid portion of them have lost their memory but remember their late husbands/wives and wander the hospital hallways looking for them. Usually, if one of the spouse has recently died, the other one follows within a year. Its heart breaking to see them in that year. To die of a broken heart. It's the worst way to go in my book. I cannot imagine loving someone and giving them your all. To essentially lose each other into the other- and then all of a sudden a part of you is gone. I'd go insane. How does one get over a shock like that? Living without your heart- what remains is a carcass that's just waiting for the grim reaper to show up.

Worse if it happens when you're still young, like poor James. How does one even look up- forget look forward? I couldn't say much to him- I just got choked up when I ran into him in the elevator. So I rubbed his arm and stood silently beside him. I wanted to cry. I wanted Bob back. I wanted James to have his smile back. I wanted to scream because it was just not fair. I wanted to run out of the elevator as fast as I could for James was a living testimony of why I refuse to love with all of my heart. Selfish, I know but I hate crying. and facing my fears.
On another note...I always wondered if there had to be an ethical delimma ...would I just freeze up or I wondered if there was some 'on-off'' button that would be switched 'on' (finally!) and I'd be able to make the right choices...
I had an instance where a patients life was questionably in danger and while it was SO easy to do the right thing- the consequences and drama that follow are unbareable. I believe my "black-and-white" thinking at times causes others discomfort. (but hey, I did my job and my patients were safe!) Hence the name wild shrew.


Anyhow, so to the topic at hand. We all know I'm a raging feminist and we all also know the word 'feminist' has been used and abused to no bounds. To me, a feminist is someone who is for the liberty and freedom of all women. Freedom. of. all. women. Meaning, if a woman chooses to be a housewife, more power to her. If she chooses to be a scientist, carpenter, secretary so be it. However, what the heck is up with women being so bitchy n backstabbing each other? I mean, haven't we gone through enough? Why the need to pull us down even more so?

I have a theory. If you look at any oppressed group (except the Jews as far as I know in this case) every group has unarguably come very far....however, there are those that pull their own race/group down. I have heard every race say that. African-Americans, Dominicans, Indians, Haitians etc. "Oh! I don't know why *insert owns race here* do that! They cannot see their own go farther than them without trying to pull them down!" I'm not sure if it is a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of some sort, where that mentality is ingrained in our being or its just the viciousness of individuals. When a certain group is oppressed, survival rules kick in. Every person wants to make sure they have enough for themselves FIRST. Example, if your family doesn't have food and you see someone carrying a bag of food, you're going to take him down and take that food to your family first. Then you will help out those around you. It is a simple law of survival. So I'm thinking since these groups have had to abide by these laws of survival, it is ingrained in them to be 'on the top- first.' (Now I'm not saying every person in that group does that, but there is a percentage of people who do.) Here the black and white theory may just need some gray area. But I think the same theory more or less applies to women trying to pull each other down. Now, paraphrasing what I said in my July 3rd, 2007 blog: Power, Beauty and the Struggle, we can always count on other people trying to [pull us down.] The least we can do is take our own names off that list. :)

**End Rant**