Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Warning: October is Debbie Downer month!

Standing in the shower, I was unable to stop crying. I missed my mom today so much more than usual. I didn't know why. Later I realized it is about to be October- that time of the year again. I didn't feel guilt or anything other than missing her. I usually don't talk about it with my siblings in fear that just in case it's slipped their minds, I don't want to be the asshole that reminded them. However, I already know they know too. And they don't bring it up in hopes that I'm not thinking about it. In reality all 3 of us just think about it and get through it in our own ways. When all 3 siblings were in travelling distance, we'd go and have a bbq/ drink. We'd just shoot the shit and have good times. It'd take our minds off of the emotions. But this is the 2nd year that we're all far away from each other, but this year at least the day falls on a weekday. So I know my siblings will be busy. I'll be dead from working the night before, so maybe I'll sleep the day away. I hope.
It'll be 5 years this year. It still feels surreal. Talking about it.. Talking about it logically clears my mind. I've already done that. All the sorting, the finding, the searching ...all of that is done. Conclusion is done too. I've gone to support groups as well. The only thing it facilitates is crying. I can very well do that on my own :-P Whoever said time heals all, lied. It may just make you busier, or make you forget. It doesn't hurt any less. I may have sorted out through the emotions, however the loss is still there. The void is still not filled. It angers me when people say "Oh eventually it'll not hurt as much..." Bullshit. It still hurts. Just as much. I may just not be as confused emotionally.
So I will stay missing my mommy. Till The Big Man Upstairs decides it is time for us to meet again!
Love you ma! *hands you the mic* "iske baare mein aap ka kya khayal hai?" :)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Eat, Pray, Love. My own version.

I am as much a perfectionist as I am a cancerian, so I have to look at things, analyze it, examine it, study it and then sleep on it (and most of the times, I'll wake up the next day to do more analyzing and examining.) This is how I operate in almost any situation. I like to know what I am getting into. I can't just dive into an unknown and study it as I go along. Nope. The very thought of it sends me gasping for air, needing an Ativan STAT. I think This is my biggest weakness.
I feel lost lately. I have all these mixed feelings about where I am, who I am, who I am meant to be... sometimes one feels right, sometimes the very same thing makes me want to scream and run off into a distance where no one knows me. I feel like there are parts of me that are dying. I don't want them to die, however, I know its not humanly possible to be all of that, add on new roles and still keep on trucking like it comes naturally. Maybe its me- I challenge every thing that society tells me (I never said I win, mind you.) Sometimes I win, sometimes society does. The up side of it is, that in either situation, I'm never disappointed because I know I tired, and I proved to myself one way or the other.
Currently the person that I am-- is so different from where I started. Some parts of it are good, the others, I (and everyone around me) could do without. I feel like certain situations have caused me to have baggage that I do know exists, but I haven't worked on cutting them loose. This, in turn, has become a baggage that I carry around daily, literally. As the figurative baggage piled on, the literal did too. The bigger the baggage, the more mean I became. I mean, the wild shrew in me is definitely ALL me, however I remember being sweet and carefree. I remember smiling and laughing a lot. I remember that the wild shrew would only surface when necessary and it would stun the people that evoked the wild shrew because they always thought of that me as the sweet, carefree girl. But the wild shrew would go back into hiding until needed. Now all that is left is the Wild Shrew. And while I know exactly how I got to this place, I'm not sure why I never stopped myself from becoming a permanent resident.
This brings me to the Eat, Pray, Love title. I saw the movie and first I was kinda like "That's a cool movie." Fast forward a few months later... I started to think about my journey and I realized I had to watch it once more. {I mean, the movie itself is not an epiphany or anything. And I think the end of it was crap. HAHA! I mean, "Sometimes to lose your balance for love, is balance" is not telling me much about balance itself. XD (Yes, I need to be spoonfed about such things.) And again, I refuse to believe that I need to lose my balance for love. }
ANYHOO! While Julia Roberts and the vein in her forehead spend all that money to go to Italy, India and Indonesia (did the airline charge her an extra seat for that vein and teeth? :-P) I was already thinking about the balance of things. I believe this is the root cause of the Wild Shrew's permanent appearance, disappearance of my sweet, carefree self, my general unhappiness and the 3 grey hairs I found on my head that I have so lovingly named after my M. I have to find a balance. And I've never taken the time to do so. Heck I haven't even thought about what is THE most important for me, versus what is important, but not as important :-P. {I think I need to buy the entire section of Borders Self-Help Books ...oh. wait. Borders died. wahhhh!!}

SO, I've come up with these categories: Cannot live without (I) ....Important to have once a month (II)... Important to have every so often(III)...Have to do for life/work commitments (IV).
Here are the list of what's important to me and where they fit into the list:

  • Volunteer (locally) III

  • Volunteer in Africa with Dr. Mukwege I (I say this as numero uno because I know this is something I HAVE to do, albeit not daily, but once a year or so. I cannot imagine life without going there every so often)

  • Workout I I become a different person when I'm not gym-bound.

  • Cook/ Clean/ Duties of a gf/momma-figure II. (I rated this a II because I feel like it has to be a good balance. As much as I love my M and the little one, I feel like there has to be a clear definition of ME first. The cleaning /cooking/duties come naturally with the love, however I don't think its something that DRIVES my life/fulfills all my goals in life. Ya know?)

  • Putting time in for Make-up/ presentation of self II. I rate this II as well, because while it is something that I'd like to do, I don't think it defines me. I'm not the go-to-girl for presentations because I am who I am. I know it is important but I also know I can live without makeup :-P (One of my ex-bosses threatened to call TLC's "What Not To Wear" show on me! That was almost a decade ago so don't worry, I'm MUCH better now and do take the time to get myself together XD)

  • Study/ Learn new things I. It's just a part of me. I'm a nerd. ;) I NEED to learn new things constantly- if not I feel like I am stagnant. That my brain is melting, rotting, wasting away!

  • Keep up with my RN-giri Toss up between I and IV. Mainly because my patients deserve it and because I need to be the best ;) but also because it is necessary to keep my lic. :-P

  • Be around my girls/guys! Friendships and Reunions II. I know this should be a I. And if I was living close to my peeps, it'd be a I! BUT I'm approx 14 hour drive/ 2 hour flight away from them so I have to make sure my wallet can handle it. Now while I physically don't go to them every month, I do need to talk and rejuvinate myself by at LEAST talking to them on the phone/chat. They bring life to my life ;)

  • Nice-ities of life (The House, The Car, The typical things WOMEN want lol!) III Face it, it'd be rad to have, but I'm not going to be upset if I don't have it. I need a car that'll get me from point A to point B {now if that car happens to be a Lexus, WOOHOO! But till then, my 97 "Mama Dean" (you can imagine the condition of the car if I've named her that) will do just fine!} BUT What I do need though (and I'll go ahead and number this a I is ONE room in the house that's just MINE.) Call it whatever you want. I feel like the house, whether I do decorate it the way I want or M and I compromise and decorate it to both of our liking, is going to be used by all family members. So if the M (who has already claimed the basement) gets the basement as a place of solace, I should at least get one room that I can call my place of solace.

  • Have a PARTNER I This is one of my top priorities-- not so much the "Have a" part..but the "PARTNER" part. I'll be happy single- I've been. (Actually, one of the times that I've been happy and the most myself was when I was single.) My relationship status does not define who I am. BUT I also know that IF I have to be with someone, that person better be a PARTNER in a true sense. People say that a 50-50 relationship does not exist. I challenge that every day. M and I work at it everyday. We may not be THERE yet, but we're certainly closer to it today than we were yesterday. I cannot and will not settle for any less. Thankfully, my M knows this too. ;)

  • Dogs and Cats and sundry Pets I I have lived with pets all my life. I am a part of them just as much as they are a part of me. :) (I love animals. A lot more than I love humans. Sorry :-P)

  • Volunteer for Animals- Best Friends or something to the sort II I've wanted to do more with animals (at one point I had enquired to be an Animal Cop in NYC) I've always wanted to impact the animal world somehow.... just don't know how yet! Again, although I don't travel to Utah monthly, I'm hoping while I'm not there, I'm doing something to make a difference in an animals life each month.

  • Church!! I It's something I HAVE to do. My beliefs and my values aren't something I can compromise on. Praying daily and mulitple times helps me get through the day :)

  • Go out to places that make ME happy II Being that my M and I have COMPLETELY different tastes in music, I realized I've been mildly (I use the term liberally here)miserable because we've mostly been going to places that play his kinda music. While I'm not completely miserable when there, I do miss .. me. I miss being able to dance the night way, just let go and be happy. Music makes me happy. (Music that I like, that is!)

  • Write/Read/ sundry hobbies III Because while they do make me who I am, it doesn't define me completely. I do need to go back to reading, writing etc. once in a while, but on a typical day, I don't YEARN to do so.

  • Travel III Again, I'd love to travel all over the world and see places and just vacation in general (who doesn't?!) It's something that'd be nice to do once in a while. But I cannot just completely cross it off my list of " Things I'll be happy with never doing ever!"

YEP! That's my list. Now I have to work on keeping this list (in order of priority) in my head and balance my life ;)

Friday, April 22, 2011

It's been a while...

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while- I have been thinking about death, dying and funerals (no, not of my own even though a few of you out there were wishing I was LOL) I touched on this subject before. A part of the reason I cannot freely open my heart to love is because...of death. A coworker and his partner were together for 22 years. And I'm not talking about 22 yrs of fighting or 22 yrs of "How should I know where James* is?" I'm talking about 22 years of walking to the mail box together, 22 yrs of buying matching scrubs, 22 years of working together and driving together. If you saw one, the other was not 5 feet behind the first. I loved their love. They were my first coworker-friends in this state.

Then Bob* died. Yes, we pretty much knew it was coming. It didn't make it any easier on James. When Bob died, I couldn't get myself to go the the funeral. Ever since my mommy passed away, I just don't do too good at funerals. Booker (an old friend from another job)'s funeral was too tough and ever since, I vowed to not go to another one. I'll send condolences, I'll go and cook (ok, order take out and go there, shut up.) I'll even go and do housework. But I cannot attend the funeral. I saw James the other day. He had lost a lot of weight. The once zestful, funny (James was the funnier of the two- the more outgoing one) and vibrant James had dwindled down. His shoulders looked shrunken, head bowed down and I think his smile has abandoned him for what seems like the rest of his life.

I work with geriatric patients. A solid portion of them have lost their memory but remember their late husbands/wives and wander the hospital hallways looking for them. Usually, if one of the spouse has recently died, the other one follows within a year. Its heart breaking to see them in that year. To die of a broken heart. It's the worst way to go in my book. I cannot imagine loving someone and giving them your all. To essentially lose each other into the other- and then all of a sudden a part of you is gone. I'd go insane. How does one get over a shock like that? Living without your heart- what remains is a carcass that's just waiting for the grim reaper to show up.

Worse if it happens when you're still young, like poor James. How does one even look up- forget look forward? I couldn't say much to him- I just got choked up when I ran into him in the elevator. So I rubbed his arm and stood silently beside him. I wanted to cry. I wanted Bob back. I wanted James to have his smile back. I wanted to scream because it was just not fair. I wanted to run out of the elevator as fast as I could for James was a living testimony of why I refuse to love with all of my heart. Selfish, I know but I hate crying. and facing my fears.
On another note...I always wondered if there had to be an ethical delimma ...would I just freeze up or I wondered if there was some 'on-off'' button that would be switched 'on' (finally!) and I'd be able to make the right choices...
I had an instance where a patients life was questionably in danger and while it was SO easy to do the right thing- the consequences and drama that follow are unbareable. I believe my "black-and-white" thinking at times causes others discomfort. (but hey, I did my job and my patients were safe!) Hence the name wild shrew.


Anyhow, so to the topic at hand. We all know I'm a raging feminist and we all also know the word 'feminist' has been used and abused to no bounds. To me, a feminist is someone who is for the liberty and freedom of all women. Freedom. of. all. women. Meaning, if a woman chooses to be a housewife, more power to her. If she chooses to be a scientist, carpenter, secretary so be it. However, what the heck is up with women being so bitchy n backstabbing each other? I mean, haven't we gone through enough? Why the need to pull us down even more so?

I have a theory. If you look at any oppressed group (except the Jews as far as I know in this case) every group has unarguably come very far....however, there are those that pull their own race/group down. I have heard every race say that. African-Americans, Dominicans, Indians, Haitians etc. "Oh! I don't know why *insert owns race here* do that! They cannot see their own go farther than them without trying to pull them down!" I'm not sure if it is a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of some sort, where that mentality is ingrained in our being or its just the viciousness of individuals. When a certain group is oppressed, survival rules kick in. Every person wants to make sure they have enough for themselves FIRST. Example, if your family doesn't have food and you see someone carrying a bag of food, you're going to take him down and take that food to your family first. Then you will help out those around you. It is a simple law of survival. So I'm thinking since these groups have had to abide by these laws of survival, it is ingrained in them to be 'on the top- first.' (Now I'm not saying every person in that group does that, but there is a percentage of people who do.) Here the black and white theory may just need some gray area. But I think the same theory more or less applies to women trying to pull each other down. Now, paraphrasing what I said in my July 3rd, 2007 blog: Power, Beauty and the Struggle, we can always count on other people trying to [pull us down.] The least we can do is take our own names off that list. :)

**End Rant**

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Anger and frustration

I am afraid I have gotten myself stuck a rut... I am to blame. I sat on the chair, willingly so, got a nice, long rope and started tying myself up feet first attached to the chair going all the way up to my face. I even gagged myself. All while I was alone in a room with only one way out. Once I was nice and stuck, snug- if you will, I remembered I am claustrophobic in such situations. Then I started struggling; gasping for air. Trying to scream or let out a whimper at least so someone passing by may hear me. I realized the room started closing in on me and I couldn't breathe. And all that shaking and rocking back-and-forth and jiggling wouldn't loosen up the grip of the rope, instead it just made it tighter. My lungs can't expand fully because of the double knot I tied just in case I decided I wanted out. So now starts the process of finding a knife and slowly but surely cutting off the rope from each limb one by one.

I know I've always refused to live like this- regressive ..or stagnant even. Why am I here then? Maybe there's a message that is hidden that I have not read into yet. Maybe it's all a plan- a divine plan that He Himself has conjoured up for me and I just haven't seen through it. In fact, He does not want me to see through it- just go through it with utmost and blind faith.

So that is exactly what I'll do. I'll go through it with utmost. and. blind. FAITH.