Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Operation: iMatter

So it's been a while...Life's been busy with its ups and downs. I cannot honestly say if I've welcomed it (or reacted/responded) gracefully to it but I do know that I've tried my best and kept Papa in focus.

I was struggling a lot for the past 2 months or so. Becoming unhappy with my situation and my surroundings- letting others dictate my mood and my hoop. Then I came across this saying:

Time has a wonderful way
of showing us what
really matters.

It was like a bomb exploded in my face. What really matters. I realized I had let myself go. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. And time...was/is showing it! While I was working on the spiritually part, I was not concentrating on the physical and emotional aspects of my life. I was letting it fly with the winds...letting other peoples emotions and issues sway it back and forth. Needless to say I was a wreck. (I should say am..because I'm still in the process of unstitching this web of shame.) 

During Rutgers, I had gone through a phase of drinking, dancing, partying, being as vain as vain can get... I was at an extreme. Everything was about me and the world revolved around me. I was the ONLY thing that mattered. I became part of a tumultuous relationship which rocked my world (and not in a good way.) My emotions were raw and ...immature since I had not put any work into 'my feelings and emotions and all that junk.' My emotions are still a bit unstable (I don't believe there is a single person on this earth that is emotionally stable- but that's a whole another blog in itself.) But I did put in a conscious effort to NOT be the psychotic train wreck that I was at one point. (Enter: Rigid Emotions/ Emotionless Me) Then as I got older, I realized I was put on this earth for a reason- and that reason was not to look in the mirror and admire the miracle of nature I called "Me" ...there was actually something bigger...a calling. Which would've been fine... except I swung into an extreme where I didn't care about what my outside looked like. I let myself go. And went I did. 

Time has a wonderful way...that time....
of showing us what 
really matters.

Few years later, I am excited to be spiritually awakened, however my emotions and my physique have suffered tremendously. I became this stern... being. I can't even say a "person" because a person would have emotions.. would have friends and feelings.. (I mean I do have friends, however I isolated myself a lot more at the time.) As the emotions built a brick wall to keep all the creepers out of my heart, I unconsciously built a physique that kept people away as well. Even today I have some people tell me they're afraid to approach me. I'm intimidating at times. But I'm trying to change that...I swear I am lol.

So it made me question: Am I changing myself and trying to be a fake version or am I becoming myself? Much thought has led me to conclude: I believe I am re-creating myself. Papa has shown me His blueprint called ME. And now it is my job to fill it in and bring it to life. I'm not trying to mold myself into something I'm not. I'm simply discovering myself. And I'm mostly enjoying it- I say mostly because me and uncertainty do NOT get along haha. And this journey is all about that!!

See balance is a great thing- if one knows how to achieve it. I hate it because I haven't the slightest clue as to  how, when or where I can find this thing called balance. If I even attempt to do one thing- the other falls off. If you notice it's been the theme of this blog since it started lol! Nin.Com.Poop. bah.

So I am trying to make an effort to find this balance. To feed myself spiritually, emotionally and physically. To take care of myself. I am now working towards becoming who I was meant to be. Papa has put love in my heart- not hate, not rigidity, not unkindness. Love. I am meant to show Papa's love. I am becoming more and more aware that my love is unique. It is the love that Papa has put in my heart to give the world-- just a small  fraction of a tiny glimpse of what He has for us. 

How am I going to accomplish this? By learning to love myself first. I have to give to myself (and learn to receive freely- no orphan spirits allowed here...tsk tsk!) the love I so freely give to others. And let me tell ya...it is not as easy as you'd think. But I'm at it. I have to learn to love myself and accept myself. I have to learn to matter to myself.

Time...it has a wonderful way of showing us....
what really matters.

I Matter.

So instead of griping about how long this all is taking...I am going to enjoy how long this is taking. Because it is time I am investing in myself. I matter.

Why yes, I will take an extra hour to talk to Papa. I will enjoy His company and exchanging sweet nothings for longer than usual. I will enjoy Him telling me how much He treasures me and what plans He has for me. I won't blush and stop Him when He tells me how proud He is of me. I will let Him treat me like He wants to: Like I matter.

Why yes, I'll take an hour to get ready...because I will enjoy getting ready and take pride in myself. I will take a bit longer to stand in front of the mirror and admire the masterpiece that is ME. I will enjoy every curve ..heck even every roll. I will allow myself better nutrition and I will treat myself like...I matter.

Why yes, I will take some time and cry when I am on my period haha I will let myself feel sad...and happy and loved. I won't shy away from good emotions an embrace the bad ones too. I won't hide that I feel sad or insecure. I will let you know exactly "what's wrong." Because I matter.

This is a long process... but I'm finally gonna be ME. And I am enjoying it. Soaking it in as much as I can- being as meticulous as I wanna be! If you want to come with me in this journey...that's awesome! If you don't, that's awesome too! I ain't worried about it honey (lol) because I finally believe what Papa says....