Rant....

So I was watching Kathy Griffin on Comedy Central the other day... and she looked like she had lost (a lil' too much) weight recently and was *still* trying to appear smaller by wearing all black, a corset 2 sizes too small with a shirt that barely buttoned up- I mean you could tell she could barely breathe - and not to mention pants that were 3 sizes too big (and long.) Now- I know I should be the last person to talk about what someone is wearing but even a fashion-idiot like me could tell she was really trying- anyhow! So she mentions that she lost some weight and she went on to explain how she did it- "I'm hungry...I am constantly hungry! That's how I do it!!"

*pause*

Really?? Really Kathy?? Come on! It's not just her though...while flippin through the channels that same evening I heard one of the "Housewives" (err... I'm guessing Real Housewives of Orange County) say "The price of beauty is not eating."

*sigh*

It really irritates me that they even air that shit on TV. Seriously? Is this what you're telling the public? Is this the message you want to give your children? "Starve yourself - that's all!" Whats next?? We'll be takin Whitney's advice on how to roll up a blunt and lace it with coke to get the most of it??? "Oh GIRRRLLL cocaine really makes u lose weight cuz you get so FUCKED UP!! *twitch*" This bullcrap really pisses me off. This is why I've stopped watching TV. It's full of garbage and erroneous shytttt.
I have more respect for women that have and maintain muscle mass (without roids, thank you very much)- now THAT is much harder to do than to give into a sickness or worse- TRAIN yourself to ACQUIRE the sickness!! Sistas- get ya head out of ya ass and take care of yourselves!!!

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On a completely unrelated note, 15!!!!!!!!!!!! DAYS till I see my happiness =D

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I've also seen a surge of young punk kids using the N word. They are not black, don't even pretend to be (ok some of 'em do pretend) and they call someone else of another descent the N word.... Now let me tell ya... these are the same kids that flinch when something larger than a testicle comes flying at them... go around trying to be "thug" n shit. I swear- have these kids even opened up a history book??? Do they know where the word gets its root from? Do they know that even black people (with half a brain) don't talk like that?? They look like ignorant uneducated fools, I say! Then people whose concept about black culture is eons away from reality look at these fools and think thats how the real black folk act and hence the fuckedupness of this nation (well, at least when it comes to race issues.)

If I hear another preteen use that word I'm going go GHETTO on their asses. Madea ain't got shit on me! lol (j.k Tyler Perry..but we gon' talk about you in the next blog too ... so wait your turn!)

ahh...

Tired AND sick? just the way to be *wink*




*sigh*

Random Randoms

Was tagged by Jace-Face I refuse to tag someone else and put 'em thru' the torture of what my dear friend Jace-Face has put me through- so here we go:

10 years ago

I was 19

was outgoing, popular, pretty and the lust of many men and at first, I was innocent.

Then I took advantage.

was very lonely.

Understood why boys were so nice to me and I took advantage

I made many lifepartners who still to this day have pieces of my heart. (However, I don't recognize these pieces anymore...just know that they are missing)

Popularity meshed up all my nights and days into one giant heap of fuckmylife. Mommys lil innocence was still sweet, still raging... just a lost soul

life goals were met- I was the center of this dying universe

5 years ago

I was 24

fulfilled the role of a great girlfriend- my perception- not his. His changed so very often and after 4 yrs of chasing a perception that was not mine... my moods could not keep up

Got lost in giving my then boyfriend everything I had and happily did so

was still very lonely...only found a mask called "my love" (which in itself was a lie..and it helped me cover up another lie ...and all was well in this world)

Realized I had no life goals and they therefore were never un-met. Just un-made.

Quickly and grudgingly confessed

Dove headfirst into 9 feet deep water knowing damn well I couldn't swim. But I learned.

Relearned how to crawl, walk and it helped me run just a lil faster... a lil more sure that my weak ankles, brittle bones and wobbly knees will hold me up! :)

Last year

Switched my life goals but was happy with it

I fell in love with academia ... not for the booze not for the sex not for the nights spent at bars and not for the freedom of fuckery. But solely for the freedom of academia.

Questions floated around my head: What the fuck did you just do?!?!

Immersed myself in books and love and poetry.

Realized I am not lonely... I love the peace and quiet of solitude

Still did not overcome procrastination (and as you can tell it still has not changed)

Loved myself ... swept myself off my own feet and it was the best I'd ever had... yet. I was content.

Yesterday

I fell in love with a martial artist.

realized I love sharing this solitude only with a select few and yet - I have to kick them out to relearn myself every now and then.

I laughed, stressed, felt silly, beautiful and I ached. I wanted to finally be home someday soon.

Wondered if I'll ever fulfill all my dreams especially with life always making its own demands and agenda on MY time...

10:18

10:18
I am trying to read my book but I cannot stop thinking
10:18
I think about what went through your head ..thoughts like stray bullets
penetrate through your chest and as you cried out
no one listened.
10:18
Now my mind is like a whirlwind of emotions
It wont stop no matter how loud I turn on the music or how much i grind my teeth
or how hard i use the palm of my hands to press on my ears to
MAKE IT STOP!!!!!
10:18
The numbers keep ringing in my ear like a haunting chant that is consuming my life


Here i fucking go again... turning this into something about me.
10:18
My mind is like a whirlwind of emotions because you see
the same blade that cut through your veins are now severing mine
from my heart bleeding into my lungs and I'm drowning
in my own diluted blood
I am choking and as I gasp for air
my head barely above the water
drowning
in a sea of your tears
in a sea of your blood


Here i fucking go again... turning this into something about me.
You see I dread thinking about what you must have gone through that night
so I turn everything I write about every thing that I spew everything that comes out of my mouth.. into something about me.

10:18
The demons that haunted you must have been bigger than the love for your son
your son.. your sun... must have... gone down
and with the the dusk he took your soul
10:18
The demons that haunted you must have been louder than the shrieks of your children
louder than the hits of your husband
louder than the sermons and church bells
10:18
Your body has finally found peace
and it lay there ... so peaceful ... ur muscles..relaxed
your soul has been set free
10:18
As your free soul wanders this earth in the guise of an angel
you still are your childrens angel protecting us
from all the him's in this world from all the harms in this world
10:18
keeps going around in circles and in circles and it makes me dizzy
nauseous because the circles won't stop spinning like a rollercoaster ride gone wrong
its going faster and faster as days go by and 10:18 comes closer
10:18
I realize they weren't demons that took you away
it was a choir of Angels that He sent for you
You were hand picked by Him and a chariot was sent for you
A special plan laid out for you by Him
and
10:18
we should not mourn but celebrate your freedom

Inner conflict

I don't know which one I should be today....

I write in fear...I write nonetheless...

In fear that... my nursing school friends are gonna kill me for spending time doing things OTHER than school related assignments
In fear that... ya'll might see a different side of me (yeah not one of the wild shrew poems lol)
In fear that...my sister is going ot jump to conclusions (haha looovetthhh ya!)

But ...enough with the disclaimers and confessions... here is one I just wrote ..raw..not revised (and I refuse to) ... so do read, comment and lemme quote Erykah Badu and say ...Keep in mind I'm an artist (ok far frm it) and I'm sensitive about mah shit! ...:-D

"Us..United"

I want


...to be your sweetness- it is all that I need
...to be your queen- is all I need to be pleased
...to be your wife, your boo, your love, my life
...to be the apple of your eye- your angel in disguise

...to feel secure in your presence-
and your absence too

And I want
...you to love me forever-
sweet, sensual and wild

...to be the Goddess
that will one day carry your child

I want
...you to know that I will always respect you
and support you in all that you do

...that your struggles will be our struggles
and your achievments ours too

...that our disagreements will
always lead to love-making

..and our love-making...well....

And I want
…you to know only One
will come before you

…that no matter what
we will always be together
to make
One heart,
One love,
One family

Just Us
...United.

R.I.P. King of Pop

R.I.P. Michael Joseph Jackson ( August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009)
You will be missed.

Gone but never forgotten

A few things on my mind...

Road Rage

What the fuck is up with MORONS on the road? DMV needs to do a better job with giving people their drivers licenses. I mean, why is it that when someone sees a car flying toward them, they feel the need to pull out quick like they got a dying loved one in their little fucking Geo-Metro and need to get to the hospital yesterday- but once they are on the road, proceed to drive 35mph …on a 50mph road?? And for that matter, why do people (esp. from PA) feel the need to pull out like they gotta take a shit and they just spotted a toilet across the ways-cut through 2 lanes of traffic - to jump onto the left lane- then proceed to drive 5 miles BELOW the fucking speed limit?! Oh and if you have a car that has 0 pickup and you’re trying to pull out from a parking lot that’s on the left side of the road- WAIT till it is appropriate to pull out!! If you see ONE car on the left lane- and a few on the other 2, wait for the mothaloadin car to pass before you screech out in front of that ONE lone car and then try to gain speed- it will save you the embarrassment of looking like a “special” animal trying to keep up with the rest of the herd (and maybe the embarrassment of someone flippin you the bird while cussin you out as they drive past you…and yes, you deserve it.)

Yeah, I know they say that road rage is just a sign of un-dealt subconscious issues- I have news for you- EVERYONE has issues they have yet to deal with so kiss it. When I’m trying to get somewhere- be competent or get off the daggone road :-P

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Gender codes:

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while. Back when I was in college (the first time round,) a male friend of mine wanted me to play matchmaker and hook him up with a female friend. When my female friend asked me about my honest opinion, I gave it. Given her past, I thought he’d be a bit immature for her. The relationship (so far) worked out. A few years later, my male friend contacted me saying “Oh, so… Vicky told me you told her that I’m immature..??” Now I did say that, yes. What baffled me though, was that she broke THE code. FTW?! Seriously ya’ll… what’s wrong with this picture?! How dare she go break THE code cause she’s gettin some now?! I don’t care if it was umpteen years ago! I don’t care if you’ve been together for a ga-ja-ba-jillion years now. Ladies: Just- Don’t- Do- It! It’s called a woman code for a reason. Your man WILL NOT UNDERSTAND. Hence the term WOMAN code. Do not go blabbering shit just cuz you think you’ve finally gott him. When a female friend trusts you and gives you her honest opinion and you go against it, it STILL does not give you the right to put yo’ girl all out like that!! Dayum. Where's the loyalty? I know that's your man... but what's that sayin..bros 'fo hoes? (Not that her dudes a hoe lol) Venuses before Penises (yeah I just came up with that...I feel so smart!) This is why I like being by myself. People tend to forget shit quick! :-P

Now same goes for you gentlemen… if you think ol’ girl is cool and “she’d understand” ….or think “my chick ain’t like everyone else… she knows boys will be boys…” DON’T-DO-IT!! Keep your Boys club gossip in the boys club. Pillow talk is great- I recommend it, I love it. But keep some shyt to yo’self! Lol

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Misleading TV shows

Yes, it is just a TV show- but you’d be surprised how many people get their “edjumakaschun” from TV shows. Thus, it is my responsibility to call out the bullshit shows- at least the ones that I watch that are my field-related.

#1 On my list is one of my favorite shows: Scrubs. J.D., I have watched you from your first day as an eager intern to the new interns you have now. I still continue to watch you because- well- I secretly wish I had a best friend like Turk that would do stupid shit with me and have a good laugh about it. Anyhow- I don’t have a problem with you per se. I do have a problem with Carla having time to go socialize with ALLLLL the docs and I think I’ve seen her about 5 times with a patient. What nursing position allows you to do that? I know she is now a Nursing Supervisor- but when Turk first started dating her, she was “just a (lowly) nurse” So- now, remind me- how does a nurse- a pool nurse at that get away with socializing like she’s in a night club filled with doctors and never has a code- never has a fuckup- never cries because the job is too much on her??

#2 On my list is another one of my favorite shows: House, MD. I’ve been on hospital floors quite a few times now ;) and I have never- in my entire tiny lil career- seen a doctor start an IV (unless 2 nurses first try-twice each, the IV therapy nurse isn’t on call and even then, there is some hesitation in calling the house doctor “just to start an IV line”), start a foley or give meds to patients (bwahahah) Let alone the fact that throughout the series, a nurse is rarely present in the room- like the docs do it all… *rolls eyes* Do you know what *most* docs do? They look at the patient, they scribble (like they are writing with their left foot) in the patients chart, and move on to the next client. Except for this ONE doc I had the pleasure to meet- who was excellent with patients. (side note: I already told my fam- if I ever get sick, I want HIM to be my MD…he’s that good!) So please Dr. House, I request that you and your staff stop misleading the poor public like this, and give credit where necessary.

#3 HawthoRNe: When I’m on the floor, I barely have the time to sit down to document- how, pray tell, do you have time to go visit with friends outside the hospital or visit your daughter in school- and be back in the hospital for the next emergency? Hmm… “did you clock out when you left hospital grounds?” Tsk tsk…. I mean, I know you’re a “Nursing Supervisor” and all, and apparently you have a time machine that lets you be present for board meetings and hover over your short staffed floor, meet up with each of your nursing staff personally and yet magically appear in places OUTSIDE hospital grounds when needed? Impressive!

#4 Nurse Jackie: So far, you’ve been kickass! However, just like HawthoRNe, how is it that you have time to fuck the pharmacist, work as much as 80 hours per week, be a preceptor to a first year nursing student, go home to two kids- both below 10 yrs of age, fuck your husband- still be up before the rest of your family to fix your kids lunch- all while having your make-up on? Oh..right… it’s the percs! Never mind ;) And speaking of the Nursing school student- do some justice- Clinicals are the most stressful part of Nursing school- if you have a right professor precepting you. You don’t just get to la-di-da and relax and twirl around in a chair- neither is “go get your stethoscope from the MD” the biggest task on a nursing students plate. Again, give credit where necessary! I beg of you. Gracias.

(I will continue to add to this list as necessary…)

On stereotyping your own race...

I've been in the U.S of A. for a good 11 years now and I never fully understood the cliquey-ness of the Indian culture here. Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I'm not attacking ALL INDIANS EVERYWHERE- I know, I haven't had the pleasure of meetin' and greetin' with my peoples from the motherland who have settled in states other than New Jersey -nor have I met with every Indian settled in NJ- so I'm not generalizing ...just accounting for my personal interactions... Anyhow ... where were we? Oh! Right! Indians- So, my sister jokes that my circle of friends always looks like the United Colors of Benetton ad and I never thought anything of it because I made friends based on personality and never on looks (which you would think is the norm...but apparently not :-P)
Back when I was in college, I never paid attention to what someone wore or how they looked- if they were cool, they could be my peeps. But not with the Indian kids on campus. Nu-uh. You had to dress a certain way, act a certain way- be a certain way (i.e a full-fledged Indian.) One day my girl Angie and I were in the cafeteria and the "cool" kids walked in. I commented about the mob-mentality and wondered why they always gave me the cold shoulder. That's when Angie said "Gurrrrrl, that's cuz you gots some soul in you! You know you don't look Indian! I thought you were from one of the Islands!" I was shocked at first because I never paid attention to the differences as far as looks was concerned but I took it as a compliment (Don't get me wrong, Indians can be BEAUTIFUL... but damn ...some of the stank ass attitudes I've come across negates any hotness)
Anyhow, a few years later, I was back down in South Jersey and my coworker named Shweta was telling me about her parents. She continued to say "Well, you see, in the Indian culture..." I laughed and said ..."Who you tellin'? I know! I AM INDIAN!" She was shocked to say the least. After a few punches in my arm and a few more "NU-UH!! YOU ARE?!"'s she continued with the story then proceeded to invite me to go bowling and shoot some pool with her friends. I accept and meet them at the spot and order a beer. Her friends were all Indians and mostly guys. NONE of them seemed to want to talk to me. Even after the formal introduction, they all pretty much wanted to steer clear of me. Then I hear whispers and I hear Shweta say "No... dude..she's Indian!" (Later I asked her what that was all about and she said they were wondering why she invited me- a non-indian -for the night out) As soon as she said "She's Indian!" I hear a sigh of relief and 4 guys come up immediately and start talking to me. So what? Now all of a sudden because I'm Indian I'm cool? How do they know that I'm not really this devious, bitchy, daughter-of-satan, wretched wench of a female? How does being Indian make me a good person? How does it mean that I have the same morals and values as them? (Since we evidently don't share the same morals and values- And I'm not saying mine are better than theirs or theirs better than mine- it's just different is all I'm sayin') It kinda disgusted me and I must say that I never hung out with them again.
I do get that some people are more comfortable with their own culture or a certain culture... however just because I was born to Indian peoples does NOT mean I am a certain way. It doesn't mean you know me or that you know what I like/prefer. That's worst than someone from outside my culture stereotyping that I have already been 'promised' to man who more likely than not is close to my fathers age. These are MY people.... telling me I have to adhere to certain unwritten, foolish rules and regulations lest I be labled an outcast. I know that even in the melting pot called the U.S.A, every race, every culture, every ethnicity has their own cliques and each clique has their own requirements that one must fullfil. I'm just not ready to accept that I must change who I am to fit in somewhere. Like my idol StaceyAnn Chin says " I want to go down in history in a chapter marked miscellaneous because the writers could find no other way to categorize me ....In this world where classification is key I want to erase the straight lines... So I can be me!"

It is...

...that time of the year again.

Happy Birthday Ma! I miss you!

Your daughter
S

Hah! I'm not commitment phobic OR gay!

So I've realized...I only crave a relationship when I'm bored. I don't really want a relationship...I have to be honest, everytime I felt I was getting closer to someone I felt claustrophobic. I wanted to RUN as fast as I could (and I did.) I especially got that feeling if the guy actually liked me back. Not to say I like the asshole-who-treats-me-like-shit-types. I don't give those types the time of my day really. I'm talking about genuinely nice guys- who I know any girl would be lucky to be with. (Except for me, of course haha)
For the longest time I felt like it was a sign that I was meant to be single, or my soulmate just did not exist or as my friends always said....I was "afraid of commitment." Today, in the midst of my cleaning frenzy, I realized: I just like cuddling. I mean, I do want the closeness with someone- physically, mentally and emotionally- but at this point in my life, I don't want to be "tied down." I guess that's why I run away from 'potentials' because I know I'd only end up hurting them because I don't want 'more.' (And face it, when you're really feelin' a girl... what guy wants to be the 'emotional booty call' guy without getting anything else in return?)
I'm also afraid of getting into the relationship rut. Even if it is a good relationship. Why must I feel the need to spend time with someone when it's not really convenient? (Yeah, I'm talking about being really busy but having to call/txt/see the person even if it is for 5 minutes...or even just giving them status updates just to let 'em know you didn't forget about them or them about me. If there isn't something substantial to talk about- don't call me- unless of course we're both free and both bored.) I think that's why most of my 'good' relationships have been the long distance ones. I still feel the closeness, except I don't feel the need to constantly check in with or visit the person.
On the flip side, I don't just want a fuckbuddy either. I don't want anything physical necessarily . I guess...I just want a really REALLY close friend who I know won't hold me back from doing me. (And why does this friend have to be a guy? Cuz I like cuddling with men. haha!)
I know it's very uncharacteristic of me but I'm petrified of finding a dude up here then having to break up anyway because I want to move to the south and he does not (And I am moving to the south.) I know I will be happiest in a warm weather state. I know it will change my life for the better simply because the sun makes me happy. I know so many females who would LOVE to move to a warm state, but cannot do so because of relationships/significant others. And throughout the winter they complain and bitch n moan about the snow and cold... I guess "true love" doesn't keep ya warm at all times, huh? ;) haha. The way I see it...an individual has all these dreams and aspirations and this 'ideal future' planned. Then they get distracted by a male/female and then the next thing you know you're settling for a state you barely like, in a job you barely like, in a house you barely like and then you realize...you're with a person you barely like (hah Ok, maybe not the last part) I know I know..I'm going to get so much crap for this post.. but its true!! Don't come to me with some crap about "oh but true love...will conquor all...will make you love the life you're living.. etc etc" What about the life you imagined for yourself before outside influence?? or "when you're with that special someone nothing else matters..." lemme tell ya... it don't matter who I'm with...when I'm cold, I'm a bitch. ;-)

Song I'm currently feeling...

"I won't see my dear friends as much

Male friends especially, I'll no longer be in touch

I'll change my hobbies to match yours

I'll stop reading my favorite books

I won't spend all this selfish time alone

I'll cater to you and hang on your every word

I'll be subservient and spineless

I'll lick your boots as empty shells

I'll be opinion less and silent

I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I'll re-define self-sacrifice

Live my life as apologetic compromise

I'll know you'd leave if I rock the boat

I'll be subservient and spineless

I'll lick your boots as empty shells

I'll be opinion less and silent

I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I feel this, truly proclaimed will help the curbing of this tendency
I know this sharing of shame will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily

I'll be low maintenance and agreeable

I will not talk about my dreams so much

I'll listen to you for hours, won't need anything

I'll be subservient and spineless

I'll lick your boots as empty shells

I'll be opinion less and silent

I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I'll be subservient and spineless

I'll lick your boots as empty shells

I'll be opinion less and silent

I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I feel this, truly proclaimed will help the curbing of this tendency

I know this sharing of shame will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily"

Alanis Morissette "Spineless"

Something...somewhere...

It's slipping ....I can feel it.
Soon
Loss
Uncontrollable
Empty

Alone


Why so scary? I wonder.