So I've realized...I only crave a relationship when I'm bored. I don't really want a relationship...I have to be honest, everytime I felt I was getting closer to someone I felt claustrophobic. I wanted to RUN as fast as I could (and I did.) I especially got that feeling if the guy actually liked me back. Not to say I like the asshole-who-treats-me-like-shit-types. I don't give those types the time of my day really. I'm talking about genuinely nice guys- who I know any girl would be lucky to be with. (Except for me, of course haha)
For the longest time I felt like it was a sign that I was meant to be single, or my soulmate just did not exist or as my friends always said....I was "afraid of commitment." Today, in the midst of my cleaning frenzy, I realized: I just like cuddling. I mean, I do want the closeness with someone- physically, mentally and emotionally- but at this point in my life, I don't want to be "tied down." I guess that's why I run away from 'potentials' because I know I'd only end up hurting them because I don't want 'more.' (And face it, when you're really feelin' a girl... what guy wants to be the 'emotional booty call' guy without getting anything else in return?)
I'm also afraid of getting into the relationship rut. Even if it is a good relationship. Why must I feel the need to spend time with someone when it's not really convenient? (Yeah, I'm talking about being really busy but having to call/txt/see the person even if it is for 5 minutes...or even just giving them status updates just to let 'em know you didn't forget about them or them about me. If there isn't something substantial to talk about- don't call me- unless of course we're both free and both bored.) I think that's why most of my 'good' relationships have been the long distance ones. I still feel the closeness, except I don't feel the need to constantly check in with or visit the person.
On the flip side, I don't just want a fuckbuddy either. I don't want anything physical necessarily . I guess...I just want a really REALLY close friend who I know won't hold me back from doing me. (And why does this friend have to be a guy? Cuz I like cuddling with men. haha!)
I know it's very uncharacteristic of me but I'm petrified of finding a dude up here then having to break up anyway because I want to move to the south and he does not (And I am moving to the south.) I know I will be happiest in a warm weather state. I know it will change my life for the better simply because the sun makes me happy. I know so many females who would LOVE to move to a warm state, but cannot do so because of relationships/significant others. And throughout the winter they complain and bitch n moan about the snow and cold... I guess "true love" doesn't keep ya warm at all times, huh? ;) haha. The way I see it...an individual has all these dreams and aspirations and this 'ideal future' planned. Then they get distracted by a male/female and then the next thing you know you're settling for a state you barely like, in a job you barely like, in a house you barely like and then you realize...you're with a person you barely like (hah Ok, maybe not the last part) I know I know..I'm going to get so much crap for this post.. but its true!! Don't come to me with some crap about "oh but true love...will conquor all...will make you love the life you're living.. etc etc" What about the life you imagined for yourself before outside influence?? or "when you're with that special someone nothing else matters..." lemme tell ya... it don't matter who I'm with...when I'm cold, I'm a bitch. ;-)
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3 comments:
"Amazing facts" but what I'd like to understand is why your love will always remain confined. I'll be back to explain myself.....
Ahh I shall be waiting! :)
Very truthful post. I was with someone for six years and I wanted to break up often. Though I had no reasons except I just wasn't sure about things and however she felt it was "for sexual conquest" Which I was doing pretty fine with just her. Tonight I looked up "commitment phobia" In my mind I felt that that was just something I made up but there's a lot of cases out there. I've always called it being independent and I know you're not saying that you're a comphob but point being you're still not committing. One problem in relationships is if you wanted to be honest about this topic and wrote about it or even conversed about it your relationship would never be the same...
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