ahh...

Tired AND sick? just the way to be *wink*




*sigh*

Random Randoms

Was tagged by Jace-Face I refuse to tag someone else and put 'em thru' the torture of what my dear friend Jace-Face has put me through- so here we go:

10 years ago

I was 19

was outgoing, popular, pretty and the lust of many men and at first, I was innocent.

Then I took advantage.

was very lonely.

Understood why boys were so nice to me and I took advantage

I made many lifepartners who still to this day have pieces of my heart. (However, I don't recognize these pieces anymore...just know that they are missing)

Popularity meshed up all my nights and days into one giant heap of fuckmylife. Mommys lil innocence was still sweet, still raging... just a lost soul

life goals were met- I was the center of this dying universe

5 years ago

I was 24

fulfilled the role of a great girlfriend- my perception- not his. His changed so very often and after 4 yrs of chasing a perception that was not mine... my moods could not keep up

Got lost in giving my then boyfriend everything I had and happily did so

was still very lonely...only found a mask called "my love" (which in itself was a lie..and it helped me cover up another lie ...and all was well in this world)

Realized I had no life goals and they therefore were never un-met. Just un-made.

Quickly and grudgingly confessed

Dove headfirst into 9 feet deep water knowing damn well I couldn't swim. But I learned.

Relearned how to crawl, walk and it helped me run just a lil faster... a lil more sure that my weak ankles, brittle bones and wobbly knees will hold me up! :)

Last year

Switched my life goals but was happy with it

I fell in love with academia ... not for the booze not for the sex not for the nights spent at bars and not for the freedom of fuckery. But solely for the freedom of academia.

Questions floated around my head: What the fuck did you just do?!?!

Immersed myself in books and love and poetry.

Realized I am not lonely... I love the peace and quiet of solitude

Still did not overcome procrastination (and as you can tell it still has not changed)

Loved myself ... swept myself off my own feet and it was the best I'd ever had... yet. I was content.

Yesterday

I fell in love with a martial artist.

realized I love sharing this solitude only with a select few and yet - I have to kick them out to relearn myself every now and then.

I laughed, stressed, felt silly, beautiful and I ached. I wanted to finally be home someday soon.

Wondered if I'll ever fulfill all my dreams especially with life always making its own demands and agenda on MY time...

10:18

10:18
I am trying to read my book but I cannot stop thinking
10:18
I think about what went through your head ..thoughts like stray bullets
penetrate through your chest and as you cried out
no one listened.
10:18
Now my mind is like a whirlwind of emotions
It wont stop no matter how loud I turn on the music or how much i grind my teeth
or how hard i use the palm of my hands to press on my ears to
MAKE IT STOP!!!!!
10:18
The numbers keep ringing in my ear like a haunting chant that is consuming my life


Here i fucking go again... turning this into something about me.
10:18
My mind is like a whirlwind of emotions because you see
the same blade that cut through your veins are now severing mine
from my heart bleeding into my lungs and I'm drowning
in my own diluted blood
I am choking and as I gasp for air
my head barely above the water
drowning
in a sea of your tears
in a sea of your blood


Here i fucking go again... turning this into something about me.
You see I dread thinking about what you must have gone through that night
so I turn everything I write about every thing that I spew everything that comes out of my mouth.. into something about me.

10:18
The demons that haunted you must have been bigger than the love for your son
your son.. your sun... must have... gone down
and with the the dusk he took your soul
10:18
The demons that haunted you must have been louder than the shrieks of your children
louder than the hits of your husband
louder than the sermons and church bells
10:18
Your body has finally found peace
and it lay there ... so peaceful ... ur muscles..relaxed
your soul has been set free
10:18
As your free soul wanders this earth in the guise of an angel
you still are your childrens angel protecting us
from all the him's in this world from all the harms in this world
10:18
keeps going around in circles and in circles and it makes me dizzy
nauseous because the circles won't stop spinning like a rollercoaster ride gone wrong
its going faster and faster as days go by and 10:18 comes closer
10:18
I realize they weren't demons that took you away
it was a choir of Angels that He sent for you
You were hand picked by Him and a chariot was sent for you
A special plan laid out for you by Him
and
10:18
we should not mourn but celebrate your freedom

Inner conflict

I don't know which one I should be today....