Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Binding Breathing and much a-dos about nothings.

Few things on my mind today.... just a gist...

Frustration is what grips me right now. I'm having one of those days: I want what I want and I want it now! The expeditious world of consumerism has finally taken over. It hasn't been 24 hours since I ordered my Moto Q phone through Sprint and I want it already. I had an interesting conversation (As usual ;P) with my boss today and he talked about binding desires versus non-binding desires in life. What I have right now is a binding desire. It's not like I am completely cut off from the world..I still have my phone AND laptop at my disposal, however I want to play with my new toy. Never mind I need to be working on all these things that would make life MUCH easier for me in the long run... I wanna play.

My boss-man and I have been talking about meditation a lot (he IS a pharmacist and says "Meditation works better than medication...") Within 5 minutes of me standing next to him he noticed that I was wheezing... one thing led to another, and basically I don't breathe and I get hyped up. I stress out. I need to relax. So! Meditation is whats on my list of things to do. I don't overtly stress out, however this explains why 3 chiropractors- including a part-time body-builder military Drill Instructor- couldn't for the life of them crack my back. They said I was simply too tense. So for now: Breathe.

I have a few things I need to take care of... But why is it that I can only concentrate on ONE thing and get only that accomplished? At work I'm a master-multi-tasker... However once I get done work and my life needs me, I get paralyzed... I become a bonafide moron. Hmm...

I want all these things and time just seems like the biggest bitch right now- I want school to start- I have to wait till Sept. I want to move down south- I have to wail till June 21st. I want to start Rx School- I have to wait for 2 yrs. I want my DL, I have to wait till July for it. I want my car, I have to wait for the flippin place to fix it. I want my phone- I have to wait (PATIENTLY) for it to arrive in the mail. BLLLAAAHHH! If time were physical, I'd be fightin it right now.

Much more to come....but for now, gotta shower! =) toodles!

Sunday, May 20, 2007

What goes around comes around...

I have been thinking a lot about acts in general lately. The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny: Karma. There are so many things that tie into this simple and exhausted word. Non-believers of Buddhism also have embraced this ideology. It has, in a way, put fear in some people to do right. Not because one has ethics (God forbid anyone have any ethics these days) or because one likes to do the right thing (what's that?!) It's because of Karma.

This brings me to a few questions. Why does it seem that Karma hits just a few people? There are two kinds of people: people who tend to get fucked over all the time, things just never go right with them no matter how hard they try; sometimes even after they have paid their dues, Karma just seems to show its ugly face over and over. Then you have people who go their whole lives being cocky, cheating, lying, doing every possible thing one should not do and they tend to sail through life. Every day is like a day at the beach. Why is it that Karma doesn't turn its head to them? Why is it just picking on a selected few? Sure, people always say "Oh, their turn will come!" but c'mon- you know as well as I do, that doesn't happen. Not in my lifetime at least. This makes some people go through their life with the motto of "You get yours and I'll get mine." And is it me, or does it seem like selfish people get what they want when they want and never have to deal with my tumor twin aka Karma?

For the believers, a deeper question: Where does God tie in? If Karma avenges all, and if you pay your debts on earth, what does God do? Just sit and watch all the fun? Does s/he 'control' who and what Karma hits? And if all is avenged on earth, why do we even need a God or a heaven for that matter?

Saturday, May 12, 2007

An Overdue Ode

“Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.” –Baz

Ever get the feeling like you are stuck in the desert- you’re mouth is parched dry and you can taste dust and tiny sand particles that you cannot manage to spit out because its so thick in the air that there’s no escaping it? Look out for miles and miles and all you see is sand dunes. Climb one hill only to come up top it and see the millions of hills that laugh at your sinking aspirations. Then, just as the mixture of fatigue and desperation sets in and you’re about to relinquish all hope of survival, an angelic glow revives your soul.

I was once told that I should consider myself lucky if I ever have even one true friend. About three years ago I realized I just met my own 'angelic glow.' After alienating myself from the rest of the world for about two years, I found myself lonely, sad, with nothing to call my own. It felt very empty - much like being in that never-ending desert. Then, almost on cue- like she knew all along-even after two years of estrangement… Natasha called me. I’ve been friends with Tash for almost 6 years now and while we’ve had our minor contentions, it is inarguable that she is a true friend.

Tash has seen me through the worst of my life and at my happiest yet. Tash, I’ve seen you grow from that excited, apprehensive freshman- ready to take on college, through the RU screw, RU pride, boys, men, hurtful acquaintances and lovable ones- and you’ve handled every challenge thrown at you with the utmost grace and conviction. We’ve seen each other through our carefree youth as freshmen and sophomores, through the uncomfortable circumstances brought through break-ups among friends, through break-ups and make-ups (God knows the amount of make-ups! Haha) and through the hard times we’re going through right now. Even through this, you’ve managed to put your problems aside just to listen to mine. You know when I just need a ear and when I need a kick in my ass to get me going and when I need a hug. You have never passed judgment on me and despite what I’ve thought of you and the times I have judged you, you stayed my friend with arms wide open- just in case I needed a hug. You've been ever supportive of all my decisions- even the ones you didn't agree with. Through these years, you’ve been my ear, my shoulder, my arms, my heart and my head. You’ve taken care of me and you’ve defended me. And while I did say “Thanks” I never really took the time out to say Thanks!

I know it seems like things are in the shitter right now and porta-potties have been better taken care of than us (Hey, I saw those pics ;) lol) But I know we both will come out gems. It has been said that diamonds are formed under conditions of extreme heat and pressure for some period of time. Big diamonds we will be!! Know that you will forever have a special place in my heart no matter where life takes us, no matter how far apart life takes us. I will work hard to bridge that gap between geography and lifestyle to be closer to you ;)

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Psychology, Predictability, Rules, Functions: Making hay when the sun shines.

Math. Why do so many children (and surprisingly adults) fear it? It is almost treated as a disease and this disease infected my life starting out like a minor bump- as a questionable subject to becoming a dread- to blowing up to a full fledged tumor- to fear and from there on I just plain avoided it. Almost 10 years later, I decided to give it an honest try and…I love it. Why?

Fine Print vs. Math: In math, there is no “backing out” like with people. In math, there are a set of rules and regulations. No fine print. Never a fine print. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to hate fine print. People, despite their promises, are unpredictable. Especially when people are in ‘power,’ the possibility of fine print is endless. This is where math becomes my solitude. One can get engrossed in the intricate workings of this immense system and the rules don’t change. All your work and efforts won’t go futile at the snap of an indecisive finger. Math is constant. And constant doesn’t always mean stagnant.

Personality vs. Definition: My nature is as eccentric as it is changeable and impulsive. While I love frolicking in the garden feeling the grass under my feet and being entranced in my own world, I like knowing what I can and cannot do. I like knowing my boundaries and what is expected of me. This knowledge will give me the power tools I need to drill myself a foundation that will not vacillate due to cursory forces- be it people or situations. In a way, I am as “cancerous” a Cancer can get when it comes to situations that would affect me and me alone- ever changing- but I’m the complete opposite when someone else’s life and feelings come into play. Why? Because I have yet to come across someone who actually means what they say… and I know how frustrating that can be.

You know how they say "One's true character is revealed in times of disparity..." I say"One's true integrity is revealed in times of sovereignty."

Saturday, May 5, 2007

The Crust

So it is finally time to make decisions. I know it’s a little late in life, but everyone takes time in doing his or her share of growing up. While I may not have succeeded in a few parts of life, I have however, succeeded in other parts few can say they have. I’ve gone through most of my life being sub-par. Feeling numb almost. Any situation was dealt with an apathy most might find appalling. I don’t say this today with regret- since it bought up many meaningful conversations with two of my closest friends. I can’t say, to this day, that I have experienced what it is to love another human being, or to be in so much pain (emotionally) that it hurts. Or to have so much joy in my ‘heart’ that it’s almost unbearable. Or to truly be affected by news that does not directly pertain to me. Do not confuse this with selfishness.I know it’s not because I have done things that prove otherwise and my friends know otherwise. Which brings me to question- Is it that I do “feel” but that feeling is so fleeting that I keep searching for more? Or is it that I am just numb from dealing with life with so much apathy for so long, tucking away emotions that were anger, guilt, belittlement, sadness, disappointment that the only thing I feel is rage and anger? Not to say that my childhood was bad- in fact- it was sub-par. I then read somewhere that in some situations the brain sends signals to one’s body to emotionally “shut-down” if the information given to it is too much to handle. Could it be that after dealing with so many instances of “fuck it… such is life” my emotions have been permanently “shut down?” But what about anger? It seemed for a long time- even when I was away in college- it was the only emotion that gave me some satisfaction that I could feel. It was the only feeling that was deep enough to quench the thirst that has for so long parched my body. I talked to many people I know ...about feelings and such, and most shy away from such topics mostly because it makes them uncomfortable. Could it be because they feel just as much as I do, but go with it because that’s what they are ‘supposed’ to feel and act and react? And questioning it or even deep conversations about it stir up questions or uneasiness that leads them into unfamiliar territory and this they do not or can not deal with? I am still left wondering.

This now, brings me to the dreaded issue- TRUST. Trust: The reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety etc. of a person or thing. Confidence. During one of my many such “meaningful” conversations with W, I realized that in my growing up I haven’t really trusted anyone. This ties into my “fuck it…such is life” comment. Whenever I was ‘let down’ I was always took the “fuck it…such is life” route. I cannot say I have done any growing since. Or maybe this is part of the “growing.” He gave me a gem of an advice. He said I was on the right track. Morbid as it may sound, I have yet to be hurt. Recently, I found out that a certain person has been extremely duplicitous about a few things and this is affecting me first hand. It hurt very little due to the nature of the closeness in our relationship (or lack there of now.) But I expect people to do this. Nothing in life has come easy for me (partly this was my own doing and partially ..."Fate...?") and I know as long as I am placing myself in certain situations, it never will. But I do know I have me I can count on. I know my trials, my wisdom, my knowledge, my privation, my familiarity; my tribulations are going to be mine. I know I can count on a very few externals ever falling into place (I mean, come on, when do they ever?!) And when I do get to the spot where I intend to be in a few years, the success is going to be mine because the trials, the wisdom, the knowledge, the privation, the familiarity...were all mine and mine alone. The people who presume to know me need to take another look. While I may seem reclusive there are few things that do go past me. In the end what you say, comes right back to me, crumbling the narrow path we had remaining.

P.S. Please do not call me up asking me about who the person is or “what’s that all about!?” If you read this and feel guilty, it may as well be about you. lol