Sometimes

..I wish I could just have one person I could count on. However, the bitter fact of life, is that no matter what, I need to plan my life for myself. Not for anyone else- just me. Love withers away, or maybe it wasn't real to begin with; Friendships are there, but it has it's own life, away from mine. Each time I try to factor in someone else to share this life with, I am reminded that the only person I can count on to stay putt forever- is me. While the nice things like stability, love and independence seem like a distant future, I have to concentrate on the NOW. And I have to assume that this distant future is a very big "maybe" conditioned by the accordance that I be selfish and take only my ambition and goals into the formula. Another bitter lesson of life: In order to be selfless, you have to be selfish first.

30 things to do before 30 :)

1) Get into Rx/Nursing school - Graduated :)
2) See the Broadway Musical: The Color Purple-unfortunately I haven't been able to do this! :(
3) Have at least ONE spa day where I spoil myself :)
4) Get cornrows done at least once more- entered into the professional world and now have to wait till I go on vaca! LLOL
5) Move out of N.J. - In Nashville, TN as I type this! :)
6) Have a couple Gs in savings for a rainy day (more like for a day that I need to buy my books!)- Brand new medical professional here, so close to this goal.
7) Find out what metal exactly in cheap jewelry I am allergic to! :-P
8) Get my D.L
9) Throw away the extras- the frills- ...de-clutter! hmm maybe a yard sale? :-D (done done n DONE! =D)
10) Get my 4.0... got it for the fall 07 semester! w00t! ;-)
11) Visit Thomas Jefferson Unv.
12) Visit Temple Unv. as well!
13) Start AfricAid at my college and my goal is to donate at least $1000.00 worth of books, stationary etc to the children in need :) Unfortunately I have not been able to do this. However, I have volutneered with disaster relief as an RN :)
14) Make the Deans list every semester! semester 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 done done done!=D
15) Get Published in "Rewrites Literary and Art Magazine" Could not do this- procrastination got the best of me and I am now an alumni. Hmm must look into if Alum's can still get published :)
16) Make more poetry! (since this is a constant on going thing that I hope will continue well after I turn 30, I shall italicize it. Please look for Poetry Tags to read)
17) Volunteer just a couple hours even if its in a month (it makes a difference!) (so far, so good!)
18) Research APNs like Med asked me to!
19) Curb my stationary happy spending habits!! (This is gonna be a tough one lol) I can say I have successfully achieved this because I went to staples and walked out empty handed! :-O)
20) At least be on a good start to healthy-ing up my knees ankles and calves!- Thank you, S for the tip!! =-D
21) Stop grinding my teeth when stressed.- this has kind of been accomplished. I do still grind my teeth when deep in thought :(
22) Start looking a little more presentable (WOOHOO!! Talk about finally gettin it outta the way!)
23) Get "Firm"- ongoing process
24) Research dance and boxing lessons-
25) Learn to relax and de-stress! update: 8/20/2009 I am ashamed to say, this hasn't happened yet. (ongoing still!)
26) Listen to my conscience and not be a fool :-P (extremely proud to say I have done well with this one!!)
27) Learn to speak (and write) eloquently! ongoing!!! (note to self, don't include things that are going to be ongoing in next to do list LOL)
28) Get contacts! (re-thinking this one. I have grown to like my glasses that put me in evil shrew mode :-P)
29) Get a better grip on my finances! (MORE than half way there!)
30) Turn 30 with grace ;) Grace...not sure if that will ever be my middle name :-P


As I accomplish each number, I'll italicize it so we know how close I am :-D

6th of the month

Dear Mrs. M. Miller
I've never met you, but I feel like I know you. For almost 5 years, we got your call at our pharmacy like clock work. Every 6th of the month: Can I speak with the Pharmacist please!.... in a voice that I always mocked to resemble Towelie from South Park. It wasn't meant to be insulting, in fact endearing because I could hear the innocence in your voice. I heard determination of a strong woman who lived by herself for all these years but never once asked for favors. You lived a life most of us only wished we could. A life of honesty, love and respect. Most of all, you were successful. Your kids moved away, eventually withered away before you ever did, yet you moved on and carried on like a strong oxen that you are. You took no crap from anyone and even the hoodlums respected you. You stood tall at almost a good 4' nothin. Your friends left you eventually and the only interaction you had with this world so crowded with human beings- was when you called for your meds.
We never spoke more than "Did you need your refills, Mrs Miller?" but there was always an understanding that all was right in the world because of that one phone call. There was an unspoken bond that distinguished our relationship from any other customer. Your grace and dignity is what I most love about you. A little old black woman with the heart of a tigress about to conquer the world. You had the heart of a Spartan and the love of a mother. You cannot imagine when I heard about your physical death- all alone in your apartment and no one knew how long you were gone. I have learned so much from you in our little interaction every 6th of the month. You will always be alive in our hearts and your soul shines brightly among people you never even knew loved you. Every 6th of the month, we miss that phone call that put a smile on our faces no matter how busy we were.

Power, beauty and the struggle.

A recent magazine article stated that studies suggested that most men liked curves on their women. If most men like curves on women, why is it that a skinny woman is the envy of all women? Why is it that every magazine’s selling article has something to do with losing weight, dropping pounds, looking good for him- even main stream porn stars the emaciated, blonde running around losing the little self respect and dignity she had? Why is the “skinny, tall, blonde” the object of desire of so many men? And why is the “skinny blonde” still considered the ‘mainstream’?

Curvy women want to be rail thin. Rail thin women would kill to have curves. For generations women have done unimaginable things to themselves so that they are portrayed as the ‘desired.’ Women love to feel wanted. My question is, by whom? If it is by men, it certainly isn’t the men that magazines talk about! Is it that we are our own destruction? That we are our own enemy? Is it that we, in our minds, convince ourselves that men want what we are NOT… that the message has turned from “You can be anything you want” to “You have to be everything he wants”…We have willingly renounced the power of defining beauty by handing it to someone else, leaving ourselves feeling unworthy.

The very magazine that tries to convince me that men do want curvy women 4 pages later tells me how to get rid of unpleasant cellulite and unwanted ‘blubber’. Two pages further, it tells me how to lose the extra weight and how to look amazing…for him. Or how to treat him right in bed. Then another article in the same magazine proselytizes that I should look good for myself. Flip over to another page, and they show me how to look glamorous and rested even if I only had 2 hours of sleep. Whatever happened to dressing up to what fits me? Whatever happened to doing what worked best for me; what I liked and what I felt confident and comfortable in?

I have a Brazilian friend who dated a guy who loves ivory skinned red heads… (she's not ivory skinned, nor a red head, incase the 'Brazilian' part didn't give that one way) despite my opinion- that he is most probably with her temporarily because she’s a landmark for his sexcapades- she dated him. Two months later, he dumped her (for a plump, but ivory skinned red head.) They (plumpy and ex-dude) are married now. Another friend is still dating a guy who drools at any girl that happens to walk past him. Both these girls have a scarred self-esteem. These actions of significant others are the very actions and articles that tell us that we are inadequate. Right? Wrong.

Now, just bare with me here, does this not seem like a personal problem? The way I see it, if someone tells you directly, or indirectly that you are not adequate- leave. You already are everything you want, or at least are in the process of achieving it. What he wants, should be secondary- complimentary. Just like what you want is secondary to what he is. Shouldn’t a significant other be there for you for mental, emotional and spiritual support? The physical part should already be defined- it’s not like you lied to him when you first started dating- if he started dating a black girl, you didn’t flip the script and turn out to be white! Know your body; love it the way it is. If he doesn’t, someone else will. Why do women continue to date men who don’t appreciate them and accept their depreciating value day after day?

Women have the power of defining beauty. Unfortunately, we often hand this power over to someone else. So yes, you can always count on magazines, men, women and the media to make you feel incompetent and inadequate. The least you can do is take YOURSELF off that list.

Doing the right thing...

When will doing the right thing be second nature to us? Discipline plays an active role- a key role in being conscientious in our daily life and it seems like that it is the very thing that 99.9% of us lack. Why is it so hard for humans to desire to be ethical? We all have good intentions- but it stays just that- an intention. Everyone can relate to this- whether a person is trying to lose weight, get their credit straight, be faithful, do better in school or do better in life over all. We all know what the right choice is, yet we continue to pick the other- the forbidden; and then pay the price for it, sometimes for the rest of our lives.

To be 27

With all this bitchin' I've been doing about how time passes by so slowly, I've realized I'll be 27 in less than a month. Every year on my birthday I ask myself "What have you accomplished in your (fill in age here) years on this planet?" It is of course a much deeper question- how have you impacted anyone on this earth? How have you made the world a better place to live in? etc etc. I haven't fulfilled any of my goals yet. I haven't even started. I know for the next six years of my life all but one of these goals will be put on hold. (I want to get my Doctorate in Pharmacy, which will take up the next 6 years of my life.) What's left?

I still have the streets of Africa to wander through. I still have to volunteer my time in Sudan. Adopt an African baby (btw, NO this isn't inspired by 'Brangelina' or the likes- ever since I was a baby, I'd tell my mom that one day, I'd adopt an African kid.) The boat in the Amazon River awaits me to come start paddling my way into its beauty, danger, raw- LIFE! My book that will change the way the world- more importantly immigrants- see Black America, still longs for me to pick up my pen and start writing the rough past that still defines America today. I want to learn to dance away nights and days. I want to engage every limb of my body into itself and into something much more grander than itself. My book of poem awaits me to get inspired- to be able to eloquently put down my thoughts into words. I want to explore Colombia, Brazil, Mexico...cultures so beautiful it radiates through the people who truly represent what they stand for. I want to touch lives of people- not preach to the choir, mind you- I want to be the bridge that brings people together- that helps people understand each other, come closer together, be a part of something as tiny as the human race.

As I sit here and re-read this list of things I ache to do, I have to remind myself: One day at a time! Time will one day be on my side. Till then, I'll just have to work hard to be able to afford to do so!