I was reading Jefferson Bethke’s Jesus > Religion. His
aim is to bring you closer to Jesus. What this book did for me, was something
entirely different. Here’s what I
learned about my relationship with Jesus:
1) I don't know Jesus. Not
all aspects of him. I only know parts of him. I’ve only concentrated on parts of
him. First it was The Strict God..then it was The Loving Daddy. Somehow, I know this isn’t where my
relationship ends.
2) Apparently it’s a game. While reading this book-
10 pages into it or so, Arya (my pup) was being ornery bringing me his toy
wanting me to play fetch, but didn’t want to let go. We’d end up playing tug of
war, after which I’d get frustrated and stop. I realized this is what I did with my
heart and God. I want him to take it and renew it, yet I refused to let go of
it. I wanted to play this stupid game, much like Arya, not realizing if I just
let go, there’d be SO much more fun to be had. But instead of getting
frustrated, God is a gentleman and so he lets go and waits for me to
invite/bait him once more to fix my heart (only to not let go again.)
3) I don’t love Jesus . What
is it to love Jesus? So while I was in church last Sunday, we were being
challenged to love one another and to love God. Being a good Christian, I was
fervently praying and telling Papa that I love love love him and I want to be
good and I will love him even more. I promised him that “For 33 years, you
lived and walked and breathed on planet Earth. I am 33. I am done living life
for me. I want to live the rest of my life for you.” This was quickly shut down
by Papa. Now, my relationship with Papa so far has been one of Daddy/babychild:
Loving, cuddling, smiling, frolicking, full of amazing grace and abundant in
unconditional love. So, naturally I was taken aback in shock. “What? Why?” Papa
replied “You don’t love me. To love me, you must accept
me. You must know me. When you love me, temptation is nothing – not because of
rules or laws—but because you love me. This is how you are wired. I know
because I designed you. But most of all, to love me, you must love ... yourself. Because you are my DNA. You
are my child. You are my creation. How can you love me if you can’t even love
what I have created?” We both knew he had nailed it. I didn’t love me
yet. Hence the self sabotaging behavior
of putting myself in places of temptation- and then giving in. I said “I will
work on that Papa. I will love myself and others more.” “ Oh, you love others
just fine. I need you to work on loving yourself.” He was going to make sure
the message was heard. So in a way, I am still giving up the old S. I lived for
33 years like S would. Most of it, I wish I could take back. But now, I live
for Papa. And the season I am in, is learning to love S. (This is gonna take years of training.)
4) I wouldn't do much for Him. What would you do for
Jesus? Give up worldly materials? Give up that porn addiction? What about
judgments against others? Greed? Gluttony? Would you die for
Jesus? I realized it was the “right
thing” for a good Christian to say “Oh yes, I would give it up!” and I did that
too. Heck I can’t deny it because I wrote about it in my journal to Papa. It’s
right there in black and white. But my actions prove differently. Bethke talks about being a Christian in
America versus Middle East. Saying you love Jesus is very different. If
militants barged into my house and had a gun shoved to the side of my cheek and
asked.. would I say “I LOVE JESUS CHRIST!” Would I be able to look my
executioner straight in the face and feel at peace? Would I panic? Would I try
to hide? Or would I become Peter and totally deny Jesus three times before the
rooster crows ? It makes you think- even if you can’t admit it aloud- but if
you really sat and thought about it and were honest with yourself and Papa (Well,
he already knows the answer.. it is more about being honest with yourself)-
Would I die for Jesus? So… do you love Jesus? What, exactly are you willing to
give up for Jesus? It made me sit and think- “Apparently not very much because
I can’t even say no to temptation.” Once I said that to myself in shame and
felt about this little, I heard “Good, now that you’re transparent, lets work
from here.” *Pause* Papa still loves me even
though I admitted “Yeah, you took a whipping, insults and injuries and beating and
slashing and had your side pierced while you laid your life down on the Cross
to ransom me… buuuuuttt I think I’ll
give into that food addiction in a few days once all of this has passed.” I
know I didn’t quite say it like that, but God knows and I know that I am a
sinner and while my heart is positioned towards God AND I WANT TO DO RIGHT,
I falter and stumble and I’m totally not gracious in doing so. But He, is. His
grace lifts me up, dusts me off and he happily walks to the cross and dies, yet again, for my salvation.
5) I think the “bad things” are his vengeance for me
stumbling. It is natural, no? We,
well- most of us- are programmed with emotional blackmail. I’ve even done it.
We say “if you love me.. you will….” Or “If you don’t do this… *insert bad
thing* will happen to you.” It’s the worldly way of living. So naturally when
something bad or even “not positive” happened, I automatically thought “Oh, I
had a bad day at work..it probably happened because God wanted to teach me a
lesson about *insert naughty thing done here*”
Now, I know that’s not true of God, but after 33 years of learning one
thing- it’s a bit hard to unlearn that. Or at least the chances of the thought
creeping into your mind is much higher than to say “Nu uh!NO!!! WRONG WRONG WRONG
WRONG!!! Jesus already took that away on
the Cross. He already suffered the punishment we were supposed to." So why is it so hard to accept it? I had a
shift in perspective (AHA! Moments tend to come very often when I hang with
Papa these days) Tough times aren’t a
chance to see if God loves us—but a chance to see if we love God despite the
tough times. We are already loved by God. It is done He said. Your “karma” has already
been avenged. “It is finished” He said. Our job now is just to love. And being
that others’ “karma” also has been spoken for, our job is also to forgive.
6) I insult God on a
daily basis. On page 49, Bethke asks “What would it look like if we
treated our spouses or friends the way we treat God?” Meaning, what if you told
your spouse “I told you l love you on Sunday… so now for the rest of the week,
I can be promiscuous and run the streets. I mean, I already told you I love you
so I’m good until next Sunday.” We know it wouldn’t work out well for us. Papa
then stopped me in my tracks. “Before you think about how you treat ME... I need you to realize, that when you love me, you have
to by default love my creation. You admit you’re my DNA, you are my
creation and hence you are a part of Me. So I ask you: In
extension, how do you treat my creation? What if you treated your family and
friends the way you treat yourself? How about if you treated Arya the way you
treat yourself?” OUCH. If you know me, my puppy is my baby. I will go without
with absolutely no issues, if it means it will bring my Arya a minute of
comfort. But myself… between the self sabotaging behavior, self destructive
thought processes and self loathing mindset, If I treated anyone the way I
treated myself- they would think I’m scum of earth. Not that I go around whipping myself
physically, nor am I a martyr by any means. But I am known to not care for
myself in that in intimate relationships I don’t necessarily feel the need
to put myself first very often. “The sin, here,” He says “ is you destroying,
insulting and ridiculing my creation.” OUCH AGAIN.
7) I don’t know that doing for others is good But Loving
Jesus is great. It is so easy to get caught up in being a good
Christian. You know- go to bible study, volunteer, be nice, don’t swear, don’t
drink, love one another. But the essence of it all is lost in “doing” when the
heart has to transform first. I am so so
SO amazingly blessed to have a career that allows for tons of free time. So
eventually I wanted to volunteer I wanted to do good, I wanted to be that good
little Christian that earns her heaven brownie points-- when first, I need to
Love Jesus. Because once you know His
heart.. doing for others comes out of a place of thanksgiving. It comes out of
a place of joy. Not obligation.
8) I’m off the hook and Jesus is on the hook. And
sometimes I’m okay with that. I mean, He willingly chose to go on the Cross for
me- so I should be fine with it, no? No! (That song “should’ve been me” comes
to mind) On page 138 Bethke writes “He doesn’t just let you off the hook; he
put Jesus on the hook for you.” I had to put my book down, close my eyes and
take a second before I let that sink in. The heaviness of it- the weight of it
finally comes down on me. When you see your flesh desires as directly linked
to Him as His suffering; and it has been etched in your heart that as His love
for you—knowing what you’ve done and will do—
He still chooses to go to the Cross for you-- When you see your wrong
doings as that crown of thorns or that lashing and you realize that you love
Him so immensely that you want to do everything in your power to not cause any
more harm—you will be able to say no to the world easily and move on
from that temptation. It won’t be easy, but it will be done. It won’t be easy, but it will be done.
9) I desire gifts over The Giver, benefits over the essence. This was one of the hardest things for me to
accept. It was hard to admit. But it’s the truth. I can hide but God already
knows my heart, so I might as well come out and say it. So as my previous blog
posts have suggested, my hearts latest desire was to get married. That didn’t go over so well. I had idols, I
wanted, I desired and I loved and I loved hard. When it all came crumbling
down, I didn’t know how to cope. I still to this day, have moments when I don’t
know how to. My orphan spirit reared it’s ugly head and I started comparing. I
looked at others who were married and asked God “Why not me? Why did you bless
them with this and not me?” I started to strive- if I just make friends with
people that have happy marriages, they would know other happy people and hook
me up. If I don’t give into desires of the flesh and give into the spirit, God
will get me closer to my future husband. If I am good then God will… If I..If I..If I. I soooo wanted to be married
that I lost sight of The Giver. The
gifts of marriage are sacred. But The Giver is truth-The Giver is love-The
Giver is life abundant. Part of me wanted to be married for the benefits of
marriage rather than the essence of marriage. At one point I wondered if it
even mattered WHOM I got married to…
(Thankfully, the answer to that was a resounding YES!)
10) Jesus is just a guest in my house. I live like
Jesus comes to visit me. With good intentions, I invite Jesus to come invade my
house, my body and soul every day when I pray, worship, journal and listen to
sermons. I get that he is a gentleman and he will not come unless invited… but
Papa said He never left. He just took a step back and in turn invited me and
waited for me to take a step in. And that’s just it- He’s not a guest! He is my
creator. He is ever present. He loves me so much that he never leaves my side.
So..why would I treat him like a guest?! In fact, as I was having this
epiphany, Jesus tells me I am in a season of transition from daughter to bride.
As the previous point says- it was my hearts desire to be married and scripture
says to delight in him and you will receive your hearts desire! J
So, how do you live with your husband? Does your husband come to visit and then
leave after a couple hours? No. He comes home to stay. He doesn’t need to be
invited, he knows that’s home. I still am a sinner, I still stumble and he
still comes home. He desires me so much more than I’ve ever desired anyone
else. When my last relationship didn’t work out, for weeks I would run to the
window every time I heard a car door slam hoping it was my ex. I waited for
what seemed like forever. Now, in my season of transition, I realize that Jesus
waits for me in the window every day. And there are days that I choose to turn
my back and walk away and sin. And when I come back I am broken, disheveled and
a little dead inside. And like Hosea, Jesus picks me up from the slave market,
brings me home and cleanses me. I am His Gomer and He is my faithful Hosea.
In
conclusion, as a Jesus lover, Christ follower… I have to set high
standards…real high standards; for myself, that is.
Somehow,
I knew- this isn’t where my relationship ends. ;-)
