September 9th 2012
So I’ve started going to church again. It is for people between the ages of 20 and 30, non-denominational. I absolutely LOVE it! The first week, Alyn (Scottish pastor/prophetic) talked about the misconceptions of God. How the image of God is distorted from a kind, loving, accepting God to this… this… God that is borderline evil, that wants you to repent and wants you to be perfect and wants you to say that you are a sinner and beat yourselves about it. Yes, everyone has room to grow- but Alyn also talked about us being made- the way HE wanted us to be! In his own image! “God doesn’t hate you.” He said. This ministry is open to all. What you do is between you and God. I absolutely loved it. He kept saying “and God told me…” like He was having a conversation with another human being…. I was initially a bit jealous. He kept talking about God’s plan for him, and how God told him that he is going to be a prophet and he just kinda…laughed. I kept thinking “wtf!! HOW can you hear God? I’ve been asking Him the same dang question for almost 3 years now and I’m still lost.” (It’s true..I’d be like “God if you want me to do blah blah blah… let so n so call me right now.” No calls hahaha) But then he uttered the magic words. “If you feel like God isn’t talking to you..or if you feel like you’re trying to listen- but you just can’t hear… we have a class that runs for 14 weeks “ SOLD. (Although they weren’t “selling seats” lol) They also call God their “Daddy” or “Papa” or “Dad” … like He were a living, breathing… being that they can touch and just… live with. He is and they do. I’m still very uncomfortable with calling Him Dad or Papa, I always called him Father and so for now, I’m sticking to it.
During one of the two worships, Alyn talked about God’s plan for you is SO GREAT that He cannot just tell it to you, because you just might keel over and die LOL. He has to reveal it to you slowly. Didn’t think much of this, but when I was doing my reflecting…. BAM!!! THIS is why I always felt like there HAD to be more …to life..to relationships..to feelings…to emotions… I was just never satisfied! I kept thinking about God’s plan for me. I already knew. I’ve always known. I’ve dreamed about it and spent HOURS UPON HOURS day-dreaming about what it would be like, but I never acted on it because “Everyone fuckin thinks they’re special. Everyone wants that amazing life. Come back to the real world dude!” (HOORAY!! Negative thoughts!) Anyhow, so I have accepted this challenge. I’m going to do it! Every session I feel like something was said that God really was giving me these signs… on which way to go.
I also am trying to be a little more social (trying to get that girl back out there!) but I just feel so tired usually after work/ not sleeping on Mondays. When R goes around talking to people, I’ll just stand on the sidelines waiting patiently for us to leave. Sometimes my head hurts; sometimes I go into lala land. Last week R couldn’t make it, so I went to this class by myself. I made one new friend (hey, it’s a feat for a socially inept troll like me!)
So things are going well in spiritual front. I’ve been trying to journal more often, trying to relax and meditate as well. I’m back into the gym- in fact, I beat my own personal record with leg presses- I initially started with 15 reps 135 lbs x 2 then 15 reps 215lbs x2 and finished off with 8 reps 235lbs (YES!!)x1. This was AFTER I met with my trainer, and after cardio. So good feelings! Legs are jello right now, but def worth it!
So, comin along well! See how the rest goes