Eat, Pray, Love. My own version.

I am as much a perfectionist as I am a cancerian, so I have to look at things, analyze it, examine it, study it and then sleep on it (and most of the times, I'll wake up the next day to do more analyzing and examining.) This is how I operate in almost any situation. I like to know what I am getting into. I can't just dive into an unknown and study it as I go along. Nope. The very thought of it sends me gasping for air, needing an Ativan STAT. I think This is my biggest weakness.
I feel lost lately. I have all these mixed feelings about where I am, who I am, who I am meant to be... sometimes one feels right, sometimes the very same thing makes me want to scream and run off into a distance where no one knows me. I feel like there are parts of me that are dying. I don't want them to die, however, I know its not humanly possible to be all of that, add on new roles and still keep on trucking like it comes naturally. Maybe its me- I challenge every thing that society tells me (I never said I win, mind you.) Sometimes I win, sometimes society does. The up side of it is, that in either situation, I'm never disappointed because I know I tired, and I proved to myself one way or the other.
Currently the person that I am-- is so different from where I started. Some parts of it are good, the others, I (and everyone around me) could do without. I feel like certain situations have caused me to have baggage that I do know exists, but I haven't worked on cutting them loose. This, in turn, has become a baggage that I carry around daily, literally. As the figurative baggage piled on, the literal did too. The bigger the baggage, the more mean I became. I mean, the wild shrew in me is definitely ALL me, however I remember being sweet and carefree. I remember smiling and laughing a lot. I remember that the wild shrew would only surface when necessary and it would stun the people that evoked the wild shrew because they always thought of that me as the sweet, carefree girl. But the wild shrew would go back into hiding until needed. Now all that is left is the Wild Shrew. And while I know exactly how I got to this place, I'm not sure why I never stopped myself from becoming a permanent resident.
This brings me to the Eat, Pray, Love title. I saw the movie and first I was kinda like "That's a cool movie." Fast forward a few months later... I started to think about my journey and I realized I had to watch it once more. {I mean, the movie itself is not an epiphany or anything. And I think the end of it was crap. HAHA! I mean, "Sometimes to lose your balance for love, is balance" is not telling me much about balance itself. XD (Yes, I need to be spoonfed about such things.) And again, I refuse to believe that I need to lose my balance for love. }
ANYHOO! While Julia Roberts and the vein in her forehead spend all that money to go to Italy, India and Indonesia (did the airline charge her an extra seat for that vein and teeth? :-P) I was already thinking about the balance of things. I believe this is the root cause of the Wild Shrew's permanent appearance, disappearance of my sweet, carefree self, my general unhappiness and the 3 grey hairs I found on my head that I have so lovingly named after my M. I have to find a balance. And I've never taken the time to do so. Heck I haven't even thought about what is THE most important for me, versus what is important, but not as important :-P. {I think I need to buy the entire section of Borders Self-Help Books ...oh. wait. Borders died. wahhhh!!}

SO, I've come up with these categories: Cannot live without (I) ....Important to have once a month (II)... Important to have every so often(III)...Have to do for life/work commitments (IV).
Here are the list of what's important to me and where they fit into the list:

• Volunteer (locally) III




• Volunteer in Africa with Dr. Mukwege I (I say this as numero uno because I know this is something I HAVE to do, albeit not daily, but once a year or so. I cannot imagine life without going there every so often)




• Workout I I become a different person when I'm not gym-bound.




• Cook/ Clean/ Duties of a gf/momma-figure II. (I rated this a II because I feel like it has to be a good balance. As much as I love my M and the little one, I feel like there has to be a clear definition of ME first. The cleaning /cooking/duties come naturally with the love, however I don't think its something that DRIVES my life/fulfills all my goals in life. Ya know?)




• Putting time in for Make-up/ presentation of self II. I rate this II as well, because while it is something that I'd like to do, I don't think it defines me. I'm not the go-to-girl for presentations because I am who I am. I know it is important but I also know I can live without makeup :-P (One of my ex-bosses threatened to call TLC's "What Not To Wear" show on me! That was almost a decade ago so don't worry, I'm MUCH better now and do take the time to get myself together XD)




• Study/ Learn new things I. It's just a part of me. I'm a nerd. ;) I NEED to learn new things constantly- if not I feel like I am stagnant. That my brain is melting, rotting, wasting away!




• Keep up with my RN-giri Toss up between I and IV. Mainly because my patients deserve it and because I need to be the best ;) but also because it is necessary to keep my lic. :-P




• Be around my girls/guys! Friendships and Reunions II. I know this should be a I. And if I was living close to my peeps, it'd be a I! BUT I'm approx 14 hour drive/ 2 hour flight away from them so I have to make sure my wallet can handle it. Now while I physically don't go to them every month, I do need to talk and rejuvinate myself by at LEAST talking to them on the phone/chat. They bring life to my life ;)




• Nice-ities of life (The House, The Car, The typical things WOMEN want lol!) III Face it, it'd be rad to have, but I'm not going to be upset if I don't have it. I need a car that'll get me from point A to point B {now if that car happens to be a Lexus, WOOHOO! But till then, my 97 "Mama Dean" (you can imagine the condition of the car if I've named her that) will do just fine!} BUT What I do need though (and I'll go ahead and number this a I is ONE room in the house that's just MINE.) Call it whatever you want. I feel like the house, whether I do decorate it the way I want or M and I compromise and decorate it to both of our liking, is going to be used by all family members. So if the M (who has already claimed the basement) gets the basement as a place of solace, I should at least get one room that I can call my place of solace.




• Have a PARTNER I This is one of my top priorities-- not so much the "Have a" part..but the "PARTNER" part. I'll be happy single- I've been. (Actually, one of the times that I've been happy and the most myself was when I was single.) My relationship status does not define who I am. BUT I also know that IF I have to be with someone, that person better be a PARTNER in a true sense. People say that a 50-50 relationship does not exist. I challenge that every day. M and I work at it everyday. We may not be THERE yet, but we're certainly closer to it today than we were yesterday. I cannot and will not settle for any less. Thankfully, my M knows this too. ;)




• Dogs and Cats and sundry Pets I I have lived with pets all my life. I am a part of them just as much as they are a part of me. :) (I love animals. A lot more than I love humans. Sorry :-P)




• Volunteer for Animals- Best Friends or something to the sort II I've wanted to do more with animals (at one point I had enquired to be an Animal Cop in NYC) I've always wanted to impact the animal world somehow.... just don't know how yet! Again, although I don't travel to Utah monthly, I'm hoping while I'm not there, I'm doing something to make a difference in an animals life each month.




• Church!! I It's something I HAVE to do. My beliefs and my values aren't something I can compromise on. Praying daily and mulitple times helps me get through the day :)




• Go out to places that make ME happy II Being that my M and I have COMPLETELY different tastes in music, I realized I've been mildly (I use the term liberally here)miserable because we've mostly been going to places that play his kinda music. While I'm not completely miserable when there, I do miss .. me. I miss being able to dance the night way, just let go and be happy. Music makes me happy. (Music that I like, that is!)




• Write/Read/ sundry hobbies III Because while they do make me who I am, it doesn't define me completely. I do need to go back to reading, writing etc. once in a while, but on a typical day, I don't YEARN to do so.




• Travel III Again, I'd love to travel all over the world and see places and just vacation in general (who doesn't?!) It's something that'd be nice to do once in a while. But I cannot just completely cross it off my list of " Things I'll be happy with never doing ever!"

YEP! That's my list. Now I have to work on keeping this list (in order of priority) in my head and balance my life ;)

On stereotyping your own race...

I've been in the U.S of A. for a good 11 years now and I never fully understood the cliquey-ness of the Indian culture here. Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I'm not attacking ALL INDIANS EVERYWHERE- I know, I haven't had the pleasure of meetin' and greetin' with my peoples from the motherland who have settled in states other than New Jersey -nor have I met with every Indian settled in NJ- so I'm not generalizing ...just accounting for my personal interactions... Anyhow ... where were we? Oh! Right! Indians- So, my sister jokes that my circle of friends always looks like the United Colors of Benetton ad and I never thought anything of it because I made friends based on personality and never on looks (which you would think is the norm...but apparently not :-P)
Back when I was in college, I never paid attention to what someone wore or how they looked- if they were cool, they could be my peeps. But not with the Indian kids on campus. Nu-uh. You had to dress a certain way, act a certain way- be a certain way (i.e a full-fledged Indian.) One day my girl Angie and I were in the cafeteria and the "cool" kids walked in. I commented about the mob-mentality and wondered why they always gave me the cold shoulder. That's when Angie said "Gurrrrrl, that's cuz you gots some soul in you! You know you don't look Indian! I thought you were from one of the Islands!" I was shocked at first because I never paid attention to the differences as far as looks was concerned but I took it as a compliment (Don't get me wrong, Indians can be BEAUTIFUL... but damn ...some of the stank ass attitudes I've come across negates any hotness)
Anyhow, a few years later, I was back down in South Jersey and my coworker named Shweta was telling me about her parents. She continued to say "Well, you see, in the Indian culture..." I laughed and said ..."Who you tellin'? I know! I AM INDIAN!" She was shocked to say the least. After a few punches in my arm and a few more "NU-UH!! YOU ARE?!"'s she continued with the story then proceeded to invite me to go bowling and shoot some pool with her friends. I accept and meet them at the spot and order a beer. Her friends were all Indians and mostly guys. NONE of them seemed to want to talk to me. Even after the formal introduction, they all pretty much wanted to steer clear of me. Then I hear whispers and I hear Shweta say "No... dude..she's Indian!" (Later I asked her what that was all about and she said they were wondering why she invited me- a non-indian -for the night out) As soon as she said "She's Indian!" I hear a sigh of relief and 4 guys come up immediately and start talking to me. So what? Now all of a sudden because I'm Indian I'm cool? How do they know that I'm not really this devious, bitchy, daughter-of-satan, wretched wench of a female? How does being Indian make me a good person? How does it mean that I have the same morals and values as them? (Since we evidently don't share the same morals and values- And I'm not saying mine are better than theirs or theirs better than mine- it's just different is all I'm sayin') It kinda disgusted me and I must say that I never hung out with them again.
I do get that some people are more comfortable with their own culture or a certain culture... however just because I was born to Indian peoples does NOT mean I am a certain way. It doesn't mean you know me or that you know what I like/prefer. That's worst than someone from outside my culture stereotyping that I have already been 'promised' to man who more likely than not is close to my fathers age. These are MY people.... telling me I have to adhere to certain unwritten, foolish rules and regulations lest I be labled an outcast. I know that even in the melting pot called the U.S.A, every race, every culture, every ethnicity has their own cliques and each clique has their own requirements that one must fullfil. I'm just not ready to accept that I must change who I am to fit in somewhere. Like my idol StaceyAnn Chin says " I want to go down in history in a chapter marked miscellaneous because the writers could find no other way to categorize me ....In this world where classification is key I want to erase the straight lines... So I can be me!"

Hah! I'm not commitment phobic OR gay!

So I've realized...I only crave a relationship when I'm bored. I don't really want a relationship...I have to be honest, everytime I felt I was getting closer to someone I felt claustrophobic. I wanted to RUN as fast as I could (and I did.) I especially got that feeling if the guy actually liked me back. Not to say I like the asshole-who-treats-me-like-shit-types. I don't give those types the time of my day really. I'm talking about genuinely nice guys- who I know any girl would be lucky to be with. (Except for me, of course haha)
For the longest time I felt like it was a sign that I was meant to be single, or my soulmate just did not exist or as my friends always said....I was "afraid of commitment." Today, in the midst of my cleaning frenzy, I realized: I just like cuddling. I mean, I do want the closeness with someone- physically, mentally and emotionally- but at this point in my life, I don't want to be "tied down." I guess that's why I run away from 'potentials' because I know I'd only end up hurting them because I don't want 'more.' (And face it, when you're really feelin' a girl... what guy wants to be the 'emotional booty call' guy without getting anything else in return?)
I'm also afraid of getting into the relationship rut. Even if it is a good relationship. Why must I feel the need to spend time with someone when it's not really convenient? (Yeah, I'm talking about being really busy but having to call/txt/see the person even if it is for 5 minutes...or even just giving them status updates just to let 'em know you didn't forget about them or them about me. If there isn't something substantial to talk about- don't call me- unless of course we're both free and both bored.) I think that's why most of my 'good' relationships have been the long distance ones. I still feel the closeness, except I don't feel the need to constantly check in with or visit the person.
On the flip side, I don't just want a fuckbuddy either. I don't want anything physical necessarily . I guess...I just want a really REALLY close friend who I know won't hold me back from doing me. (And why does this friend have to be a guy? Cuz I like cuddling with men. haha!)
I know it's very uncharacteristic of me but I'm petrified of finding a dude up here then having to break up anyway because I want to move to the south and he does not (And I am moving to the south.) I know I will be happiest in a warm weather state. I know it will change my life for the better simply because the sun makes me happy. I know so many females who would LOVE to move to a warm state, but cannot do so because of relationships/significant others. And throughout the winter they complain and bitch n moan about the snow and cold... I guess "true love" doesn't keep ya warm at all times, huh? ;) haha. The way I see it...an individual has all these dreams and aspirations and this 'ideal future' planned. Then they get distracted by a male/female and then the next thing you know you're settling for a state you barely like, in a job you barely like, in a house you barely like and then you realize...you're with a person you barely like (hah Ok, maybe not the last part) I know I know..I'm going to get so much crap for this post.. but its true!! Don't come to me with some crap about "oh but true love...will conquor all...will make you love the life you're living.. etc etc" What about the life you imagined for yourself before outside influence?? or "when you're with that special someone nothing else matters..." lemme tell ya... it don't matter who I'm with...when I'm cold, I'm a bitch. ;-)

Why am I single?

{transported from my other blog}

So people keep asking me why I am single.
#1 Being single is not a disease.
#2 Single does not equal lonely and sad.

There are a few morals and values that I will absolutely not compromise. I have an unsatisfying need to befriend myself with others whose standards are as high as my own. I know it seems negative, but is it possible to love and respect a spouse that harbors ideals that completely turn you off? Opinions are something you can compromise and learn to respect, but I am talking about the deeper, underlying motive and drive of the person. I work with fierce intensity toward my goal-however menial it may be and I have an imperative need for some connection or fusion with another which will prove sensually fulfilling, but which will not conflict with my convictions or sense of fitness. There aren't too many men who are for Womanism. Few understand the concept. Minority rights? Animal rights? Add to it a necessity for absolute and complete loyalty along with honesty, trust and unconditional love...well, you see my problem now, don't you?

Another reason being, I refuse to settle. Just because someone is good to you doesn't mean he is good for you. When I think about it, I've been proposed to too many times and I've always declined, mainly because deep down inside, I knew that that guy wasn't for me. Don't they say, "When you're in love, you'll know"...well, I don't even know what "love" is in that case. I've learned from the past relationships, so I am in no way saying that they were a waste of time, but I do know what I am looking for and what I don't want in a relationship. It may seem like I'm asking for the world and then some, but I don't ask for a thing I couldn't offer myself.

I have also learned to never keep my mouth shut when I'm being wronged. Too many guys aren't down with that. I don't take shit from anyone, my mother taught me well. I know how I should be treated and what I deserve. Unfortunately for me, that's not a good thing. But I manage to see past these obstacles. Life has far more to offer and there are still important things to be achieved-- life must be experienced to the fullest. I am aggressive in pursuing my objectives and I tend to become deeply involved with whatever I am working on. I need someone who will be there for me at the end of the day, but will let me 'fly' and do my own thing per se. I don't believe in the "better/other half" concept either. In my opinion, 2 grown, independent, WHOLE individuals should come together to compliment each other not complete each other. Just like they say "You have to learn to love yourself first, before anyone else can love you," shouldn't you already be mature, complete, happy and satisfied with yourself before you can make someone else happy?

Education

I have been a witness (not a victim, mind you) to what happens when ones basic and primary rights are snatched away. I know how the story ends when you are born and bought up to believe that you are inferior; that just because you were born without a dick, your education, your happiness, your life and your needs come secondary to that of your brothers. As a minority I have witnessed racism (and everyone is so shy to give it a name in fear of being labeled “uppity.”) I have heard snickers of uncaused white boys in the back row of a class when a black female talked about her life experiences as a young lesbian. My self-education started only after I left a four year University that severely failed in providing me with a proper, unbiased education. I have wept after realizing the history of America that I read in my high school text books- was just a story; a fiction knitted by someone who deemed himself patriotic. Omission, twists of the truth and blatant lies guised as the legitimacy fabricates a story that teachers themselves swallow then feed the children the same bullshit they digested in their quest of being a good student. As a naïve, untainted teenager I thought “Education is a wonderful thing. Education will light up this world and bring forth liberty and justice for all.” Yes, It was the omission of education that kept and still keeps Black America down today. It is the lack of education that still keeps Jamaica predominantly homophobic today. It is the lack of education that still lets India sell her young into arranged marriages while the legal system looks the other way. Education: the fabric of our life.

As a child my mother always encouraged me to seek higher education so I could become rich and have my own money. Having my own money would mean security of life. She would reiterate that having money would give me financial freedom, which in turn would give me emotional freedom, which in turn would give me the freedom of choice. The freedom to leave (an unhappy home) when I want to, the freedom to live (a life I choose) the way I want to, the freedom to fuck (whoever my little heart desires) how I want to and the freedom (and power) to walk away. But is this where the role of education ends? People have stopped wanting to go to school for an education. Here is a generation that looks at education as a means to an end. Why is it that children of artists and song writers and rappers and athletes do not aggressively pursue an education that is as available to them as a prostitute available to a hundred dollar bill? (In many ways, education is a prostitute that only serves the rich) What about life lessons? What about being able to get away from the opinions and views of only your parents and venturing out to gain the opinions and life takes from other venues? MONEY has blind sighted us from the other benefits of an education. Unfortunately, we now stop pursuing an education once we are financially stable (or happy with where we are.) Growth must come from within and must be constant. The want and need for knowledge does not end with financial security. Every aspect of our life is influenced by education. Knowing and not knowing makes the difference
In life and death.
In war and peace.
In loving and hating.
In arrogance and ignorance.

Education: it is The fabric of our life.

Questions that fload around...

What makes a person stay in a relationship that is clearly not healthy? Yes, in some cases people don't really know any better (whether they were conditioned to think thats how a relationship should be... or be it they don't realize where their relationship is heading until it's too late.) But what about the relationships that are so far gone that it is apparent to everyone -including the 2 participating in the relationship?

Being a woman, and having several failed relationships myself, I know why a person would walk away. A few of my girlfriends were in relationships that were abusive- emotionally and mentally. Going into specifics, I have 2 girlfriends who, when I was going through my bad relationship with (lets call him T), went through their own bad relationships. We shared our joys, our tears, and our laughters. We cried, consoled and helped each other through the trying times. The only difference was that I walked away from my bad relationship (and stayed away) and they broke-up and then made-up within a weeks span. They chose to stay. Agreed, each relationship is different. Agreed, I didn't "love" T but at the time thought I did love him. However, the things all of us went through were so painfully similar, it was what actually bonded us together.

I often wonder why these girls stayed in their relationships. When I asked them I got matter-of-fact responses- "I love him that's why." "Sometimes you have to work things out." "We've been so long together, it was only natural." Sometimes I wonder if these girls had actually given themselves enough time to get over these guys would they have actually moved on? Would they be happier?

Maybe I just need to let go of grudges, but after seeing the good, the bad and the ugly, (and the ugly triumphed over the good... trust) I had to leave. One is married now, the other still in a tumultuous relationship and I'm still single. Is my tolerance just that low? Am I going to be that person who refuses to take anyones crap therefore end up being the crazy old cat lady? Or is it that some people need that constant comfort of companionship? Or maybe the luxury of combined income? When they look back at their relationships, do they remember the bad parts? Do the bad streaks still come up between them? Or do they only remember the good parts? Does one hold that grudge of the bitter past? Does one forgive and forget? I wonder if either party thinks they could've done better. Are there any regrets?

Or maybe people are so used to lying to themselves, they've started believing their own lies.

Is it that the older one gets, the less likely it is that they will leave their spouse? If so, is it just because they are scared they won't find someone else? What is so scary about being single? Other than the extra support and the cushion for ones fall, why is a significant other so important?Yes, it is nice to come home to someone...to know that someone loves you unconditionally (even if you're lying to yourself... ) Yes it is nice to know theres a warm body who'll keep you warm through those cold nights. But since when did the niceties become such a great big priority? TV ads, movies, cards, the holidays- everything places such importance on relationships it is almost a taboo if you don't have a significant other. What is one to do during the holidays without someone to call his/her own :( oh why oh why! The tragedy!

Anyhow, getting back to the point- doesn't dealing with the source of the stress make more sense than dealing with the anxiety on a day-to-day basis? What's the point of having a stressful relationship that seems to bleed into the rest of your life? What's the point of continuing to subject yourself to harm - to emotional rape- just so you have that comfort of ...oh wait- there is nothing comforting about such relationships. I promise, living a stress-free-single-life is not that bad. Promise.

In good faith...

This kind of ties in with my previous post -just on a larger scale.

If you haven't watched "The Bandit Queen" (a true story, that was banned in India for a long time...) I highly recommend you rent/netflix it! It made me realize how lucky and fortunate I am to be born into my family- to be given the basic right to life. What happened to Phoolan Devi (translates to The Bandit Queen) was unjust - and no one intervened. It got me thinking: As fellow human beings, where do our obligations start and where do they end? Should a whole village be punished for standing idly by as they watch about 7 men gang up and brutally beat a woman (i.e. should they be considered as accessory to the crime)? Or have all the men from the village gang-rape her over and over for three days consecutively? Or stand by idly (yet again) as the village bully stripped her naked in front of the whole village following the gang rape- men, women and children included- and I repeat- and no one intervened. (I really don't want to give away anything about the movie because I'd rather have you watch it- but the woman kicks some serious ass. She isn't a criminal nor a victim. She's a hero.) Mind you this isn't a hoorah G.I.Jane chick-flick or a feel good womens empowerment movie. It is a true story with a real time-line and real dialogs.

Now, this isn't culture...it was tradition. I get two extreme reactions when I talk about this story: one that of apathy stating it's just the culture (and when corrected, they change it to "well that's just tradition...") and one that seems harsh and judgmental, almost ethnocentric to a point. However the two extremes seem so evasive. Why is it so hard to balance a middle-ground? Where do human morals come in? In our all tolerating world, when is it time to intervene? Is it when someone is regarded as a lesser mortal? When you the observer- thinks the line has been crossed? Conscience is something so flexible and can always be ignored, as we all know. When does one sit on their high horse and judge and when is it time to jump off that high horse and relate?

If an observer is doing just that- observing, s/he is not given the chance to experience the aggregate emotional and mental state of given subject and every encounter is perceived as a third-party opinion. However, if one participates in any assessment of 'natural assessment,' s/he would only get one side of the experience. Unless you're John Howard Griffin. (Read: Black Like Me.... amazing book!! ...he had the advantage to experience both sides- he is white and he experimented with what it was like to be a Black southerner in the 1950s.)

Now this doesn't only happen in countries like India, Africa etc. (May I remind you: Slavery in the Americas, in Jamaica, in Guyana- the history of the Human race [thanks Brits {yes I'm still bitter about that...rightfully so} ] - that story that everyone wants to shove under the rug lest they be judged just as harshly- they ALL have stories just as brutal) It happens every day in every town. Maybe not on such a grander scale and for sure not so openly and so brutally- but how many times have you seen a prick go off on a poor cashier who has no control over the laws or rules and regulations of the store- and as customers, we idly stood by (knowing all well if possible, the cashier most probably has a sarcastic retort that would make the old geezer shut the hell up- but keeps such comments to her/himself in fear of being fired)

Should corporate companies be blamed for spoiling us as customers that we see it fit to dehumanize the people on the other side of the counter? The false promises of such corporates conditions us to expect SO much in every single visit that we, as customers, cannot fathom human errors nor accept any delays. Since when did we all get so scared to put someone in their place especially when it is duly called for? Everyone is so afraid of doing/saying the right thing in good faith because "It's not our business..."I know "Judge not lest ye be judged" ... but also think The Good Samaritan ;) There is absolutely nothing wrong with helping out a poor soul even if it is by mere words .... So next time, please speak up!


(P.S. I know this post doesn't really have any structure and was kinda all over the place...I had so many side comments and topics to discuss I didn't feel like filtering it and narrowing it down to a simple argument because fact is, there ARE other factors that come into play.... the post went from serious brutalities that needed to be addressed to the mundane and sundry that happen in everyday life- both facts of life- both that needed to be questioned)

Giving it up

My girl T and I were having a conversation about how our once tight knit group has dissolved into a vague reminiscence of drunken nights and clammy mornings. While some friends followed their career tangents, some just simply disappeared because they now have a significant other in their lives.
Now, I am just as guilty as them -I am by no means rebuking them of their choice. However, it brings me to question- at what point does one lose their own sense of identity in order to be a part of a relationship? More importantly, why does one lose their sense of identity? It seems like being a part of a (great or ..usually...otherwise) relationship mean that you have to lose yourself, your interests, your being.
Again, I have done this myself, but in the long run it didn't work out. In fact, it made me despise him for slowly stripping me of my own. I grasp the concept of a relationship and I also understand that when you love someone- however provisional or absolute it may be- you want to spend as much time with your significant other. However, where is the balance of keeping your life- your individuality- your persona and still interconnect with your 'main squeeze'? Would you consider giving up things you once loved- the things you chose to do- as a price you have to pay in order to be in a relationship?
Part of me strongly believes that giving up your identity and your interests- giving up a part of YOU- helps a relationship deteriorate quicker than its time. Sure, there are strong urges of spending as much time as you can with your 'sweetie' and all of a sudden the temptaion of creating drunken havoc isn't as enticing as it once used to be. But, it inevitably is like being a kid in a candy shop. You want ALL you can- until you get what you asked for. And then you get sick. And you can't stand the sight of what you once thought you could never have enough of. Thats when the sweetest thing becomes sour. When the cutest gestures become irritating. When cuddly becomes clingy and loving becomes loathsome.
My personal stance- in a good relationship neither you nor your significant other would have to sacrifice yourself, but you would enhance each other in every way possible. I wouldn't have to "give up" friends or nights out with loved ones to a point where people think I've fallen off the planet. And I wouldn't have to "reconnect" with all my friends simply because I now have someone in my life. There is a difference between 'putting her/him first' and having a choice that only encompasses him/her.
I realize that when you love a person or when you accept a person into your life, you're not just accepting that person- you're accepting a whole another lifestyle. You fell for this person when s/he went out 6 nights a week or played basketball 7 days a week or played poker 5 days a month- you fell for this person when s/he had other agendas than to please you. So why try to change it? Now, I know they aren't the best example but in a way I guess Janet and JD are leading an exemplary relationship- JD went to strip clubs before he met Janet...and he still does. I guess when BOTH parties know the line- and don't cross it, you can maintain your identity and still remain the person s/he once fell in love with. And that inturn helps continue to WOW the other person everyday even 15 years down the line. ...any takes?

And I Wonder ....

Inspired by my friend Lace who wrote to her father....I write to my mother

I know heaven is real for my mother watches over me daily. I know God is real for He has never let me down. I cannot prove His existence to a cynic nor can I give solid proof that doesn't completely coordinate to a cause-and-effect pattern the world runs on. I cannot touch Him but I can feel His presence. I cannot converse with him like I do with friends, but I know He always listens. I may not always be confident in His plan for me, but I can tell you this- in the end, I'm always taken care of. Through my friends, my family and invariably, through Him. He is a vengeful God. He is an ever loving God. He knows when to uplift my spirit and when I need to be guided because I have strayed. I never doubted Him ever since I accepted Him.

I know my mother is in a better place, and she is present in my daily life. She is now more than ever closer to me even though I can't lie in her lap and cry my woes away. I know she is more in tune with my feelings, with my soul and she understands. She doesn't scold, she doesn't judge- she just listens.

While my faith is stronger than ever, in my quest for more, I still sometimes wonder. I am regretful that I cannot do what she has done and continues to do for me to this day. I wish I could listen to what she has to say. I wonder if she would confide in me and I wonder if she would say that she regrets taking away something so precious. I wonder if she could, would she try one last time to reach out to me. This time I would not turn her away. I wonder how much her life would have changed had she had a daughter worthy of her. I wonder if she would've been happy if S.R. was her daughter - would she have made different choices? Would she have lived a happier life? I wonder sometimes, if she really CAN listen to me. I do hope and I pray that she can, for I have a lot to say. For I have a lot to make up for. For I have a lot of tears I caused myself and I have a lot of tears to take away from her because she has a lot of tears I have caused her.

I wonder, ma, if you can listen to me, if you can see me. I wonder ma, if you and amm-amma are together and if you wished we could bond more. I wonder if you are with all the women of our family wishing your descendants took more interest in our family history. For today, I only know the name of my Grandmother. For today, I only know about the itty bitty parts of stories you would start to tell us, before we got bored and cut you off. Or cringed because we would miss our TV sitcom that was going to start in the next 5 minutes. I wonder if you could, would you? I wonder if you wished your daughters would take the time to know you- to know our gramma and great gramma..and inevitably, know ourselves? Do you regret going away? Do you regret not wanting to stay? Do you regret not saying bye? Or would you do it all over again? Do you finally see my intentions? Do you finally see how much we need you?

I hope and pray you are happy. On your terms. I hope and pray you have everything you ever wished for. I pray heaven is just as great as everyone has said it to be. Because you deserve it.

While I sit here today, in my room (that you would most probably ask me to clean) wondering and questioning ...with a hint of doubt, something in me tells me you can listen. Something in me tells me you are here. Forever, with me. Living in me through Him. Something in me tells me this is what you would say to me:
Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow: I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumns rain. When you awaken in morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die.

(Before you send me messages telling me that I am a worthy daughter, that she is proud of me, be aware, that I know she is proud of certain aspects of me, but I also know what a worthy daughter is for I have recently seen her, and I, my loves, am no where close to it. Not for a long LONG time. Not toward the end not anywhere in the middle. I am aware of this and nothing anyone can say ...can convince me any different.. for only my mother and I know the nature of our relationship.)

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Why is it that one finds peace in the most difficult of situations? Why does clarity hit you in the midst of chaos and hurt? Why does one ultimately find more about love, friendship, stability, thickness of relationships- all in the lowest of times? Why is it that sometimes listening to songs stimulates you and sometimes the same song crowds your mind so much you feel suffocated and handcuffed to thoughts?

I often have questions...seldom the answers

• What is the line between 'letting people be themselves' and letting a person you care for know his or her behavior is damaging their image and their relationships?
  
• In our world of constant acceptance and tolerance for everyones personality, when are these boundaries crossed?
  
• Whose responsibility is it to make sure these boundaries are not crossed? And if it does get crossed- who are we to tell so-n-so that such behavior is not acceptable?

Hypothetical situation... a close friend has a problem. This friend gets obsessed with this problem and cannot seem to move on. Is it wrong to be firm/stern with this person or is it wrong to just hang back and let them figure it out, all while you watch his/her life crumble away eroding all stability as s/he knows it?

• When does it become just plain wrong to intervene and when does it become just plain wrong to hang back? How many of us have gotten out of relationships because of a certain trait or personality of a person (physical, mental, emotional or personal alike) but just left it at "It's not you, it's me..." or some other lame excuse that was anything but the truth?
  
• Is it our responsibility as fellow human beings to let a person know his or her faults or should we take the divine words "Judge not, that ye be not judged" (Or somethin' to that effect :-P)
• Also, since it takes a village to raise a child, will it take a village to let a grown up know that his/her trait/behavior needs to be changed?
  

Some of my work....

I feel almost unworthy to put my work right after I posted works from such great artists like Maya Angelou and Langston Hughes... but none the less... heres a few from yours truly ;) (they're all copyrighted for real so don't be trynna steal em! lol)

Intimate Stranger

You sit there
judging every one
but too scared to
look in your own God damned mirror
Imperfect in your own perfect way
every scar on your smooth skin
every stubborn zit that won’t go away
the dark on your knee and the kink in your hair

Deeper
More imperfections
Love every
Single
One.

Rewrite history
Repaint your soul
Recreate creation
Replenish thirst

But no--
you are too scared
to look

in

your

own

GOD

DAMNED

MIRROR.

(c) Shirley G. 2/9/07

I AM

I am raw
rough around the edges
basics and foundation strong
nothin’ more nothin’ less

I hide my emotions
just as well as mother nature hides her wrath
in the storm or love in her womb or motherhood at its best
you see them on my face
reactions, love, tenderness, rage.

I am raw
rough and smooth at the same time
sure and unsure and so damn sure
all I know is I am confident in
my confidence in myself.

I am raw
rough but not aching to be smooth
Not me. Not I.
I am rough, raw and brutal.

Who Are You?

(c) Shirley G. 2/9/07

Ballad of the Prostitute

She sold her soul for what he liked
When he like shy she shy
When he like loud she loud
When he want down right nasty
She mold herself to fit the tasty
He wanted rough an’ rugged- difficult
--to achieve—a tie you down to make you mine
She wore masks to hide behind and she was
You can’t get me you can’t have me
You’ll have to rape me to take me.

He fancied it twice today
he wants a woman that can play
fit your role your role your role everyday
switch it and change it in a snap of a finger
and happily she filled them shoes to satisfy his hunger

The ballad of a prostitute you say?
ain’t you the one that went out
And got them Gucci shades
Because you saw the whointhewhatnot video?
or go to sunday school because that’s what good girls do?

Ain’t you the one who been on a diet
since you known you – been tryin’ to squeeze
Into that size 2 dress with a Barbie breast?
How many times you burn your head
to get that silky straight hair?

curlin’ iron, chemical peels, be the best
that watch, that house, that car, that intensity (not intimacy)
Don’t look down upon the ballad of the prostitute
You sold your soul for pleasure and affection
Each of us does for a different addiction

(c) Shirley G.2.9.2007

They went home....Remembering.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

They Went Home

They went home and told their wives,

that never once in all their lives,

had known a girl like me,

But... They went home.

They said my house was lickin clean,

no word I spoke was ever mean,

I had an air of mystery,

But...They went home.

My praises were on all men's lips

they like my smile, my wit, my hips,

they'd spend one night or two or three

But...

-Maya Angelou

Remembering

Soft grey ghosts crawl up my sleeve

to peer into my eyes

While I within deny their threats

and answer them with lies.

Mushlike memories perform

a ritual on my lips

I lie in stolid hoplesness

and they lay my soul in strips.

-Maya Angelou

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Exams are finally done and over with. It seemed to pass by in slow motion, but they're done. Finally. As soon as I got done with my last exam, I raced to the library, got myself a good book of poems and started reading. I missed reading to be inspired- so I read until my poor eyes begged me for mercy (at which point I got on here and started typing away, but shush!) :-P I read a few poems by Maya Angelou and I posted the 2 that really called out to me. Sadly, I couldn't spend more time dissecting more of her poems and didn't feel it would do them or me justice to slap some on here without true familiarity.

I had a friend read this poem. I figured it'd be interesting to see the reaction of "a guy's guy" to the works of this amazing being. He said it was a very beautiful poem, but the poet comes off too smug. Like there was nothing wrong with her she was perfect yet men didn't want to be with her. He said "For sure, there has to be something wrong with her- if there wasn't and she was, in fact, so perfect and amazing, why would she be manless?" Hmm. Interesting.

Meanwhile, I explained why the poem called out to me so much- a woman, no matter her caliber- will always have something "wrong" with her if she's single. It isn't about being smug or cocky or even full of one's self- Sometimes women just find the wrong guys (or the wrong guys somehow manage to talk a woman into being a complete buffoon). Once the relationship- whatever its nature, is exhausted, word vomit spews "Can we still be friends?..." You can take that and shove it up you know where.

Let me deviate, for a second here, and analyze the simple, yet complex statement often blurted out by males and females to lighten up a breakup. "Let's just be friends." What this statement really is saying is: While you generally are a good person, you're not good enough. You're not special enough. You just don't do it for me anymore. Or as Miranda Hobbes from Sex In the City once said "I'm just not that into you." Why is it so hard for someone to come right out and say it? Hey, Sorry I wasted your time, but- I've realized I'm just not that into you anymore. In which case, you don't need to be friends. What exactly is this sentence/ question supposed to do? Make a person feel better? Take the pressure off of the person? Make the person feel a little more dignified? Make them feel like they are just a little more in control? "Hey, you suck, but here's a consolation prize- you get to remain friends with me ;-) ..." Hmm thanks, I'll pass.

The second poem I love. It captures the past and the present and the future. I realized I can't really let past experiences bitter me up- lest they lay my soul in strips. =)

------------------------------------------------------------

I'm really going to miss the semester. I don't know what to do with myself this month. I mean, I have a few chores to do, a tiny plan that needs to get put into action- which is all going to happen. But I'm going to miss the stresses of school. (Yes, I'm a nutjob :-P I know) I am going to miss my Chemistry class the most :) I made such amazing friends through Chem- I look forward to next semester already! Meanwhile, in the present :-P I know I'm going to frantically read all the poems I possibly can and try to write a little more as well. So keep on reading! :)

---------------------------------

Needs no introduction... Just read.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

-Maya Angelou

----------------

And I am quenched.

***NOT my writing*** but I loved it....

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible. How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gasp and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together. Because people cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.
We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit." When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed
with the next hundred chores running through your head?

Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow."
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die?
Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....Thrown away...

Life is not a race. Take it slower.
Hear the music before the song is over.

Show your friends how much you care.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches will pull you down.

"A letter from Mother Earth"

She wrote to me today...
"Have you ever felt
like a piece of meat on display
in a meat market?
Just above the reach of hungry dogs
so close that
you can feel the heat of their bark
the stench of their breath?

All they want is a piece...
a nice chunk of your soul

Have you ever felt
like a piece of meat
being undressed and fucked
with one single degrading look?
Being raped by every version of imaginable
and unimaginable nasty being?
Being raped of your dignity,
respect- your worth, your wealth?

Left crippled and barren
with a womb that is capable
of only giving birth to stillborns

...All that is left is the carcass
of what once used to be my soul"

-Shirley Gadde.

Love is

"The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday."
-Baz

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I like the Sunscreen song... mostly because I know every word it holds is ...so true. So I was thinking about this part of the lyrics. And I'd always thought that maybe I just won't be able to have kids... but see, that problem is one too easy to solve. (Adoption.) So I thought what if I don't succeed in life? That ball kept rolling around in the tiny little mind of mine... would my 'real' problem in life be something that I could avoid? Something that is in my control? It would seem (logically) avoidable. So I thought what else could go wrong? (Death, according to me, is the least of anyones problems) Maybe I won't find love? Or maybe I do find it, but fail to recognize it until its way too late? I've always said "don't love the way YOU want to be loved...love the way the person you love loves.." I don't know if I read that somewhere when I was really little or if it's an innate value that I've always had...maybe that's what I learned in my past life that stuck with me in this one. Maybe I won't find a love that would love in the ways that I recognize? What if that's already happened? But I haven't loved yet ...I know this because I don't know what 'love' is. Yes, I have performed dutifully as a girlfriend. Above and beyond. But is that all love is? Performing ones duty; loyalty? I think not. It HAS to be something larger than life.

oye vey. This little head of mine...


Then I cut my thoughts shortly afterward because the more thought I put into it, the more I started convincing myself that this IS what my problem is going to be (heh OCD, you can say... I thought what if I DO find love but I fawk it up by all my thinking and convincing that I won't..what if THAT is the REAL problem?... hahaa) so you see, I am very close to driving myself insane :-P





"Would you come after me
if I was upset
Would you try to win me back?
Or would you go after another snatch?
Wait I think you already answered that." *



*Again, no not in relation to anyone...just came to me, so I jotted it down :-p

She beat me to it....

She described me before I could even think of it....

"I am a moody woman
my temper black as my brows
as sharp as my nails
as impartial as a flood
that is seeking, seeking, seeking
always
somewhere to stop...."

-Alice Walker

my familiarity with the unfamiliars...

I want a lot of things most girls, I think, want. But when I take a look around me and I look at these 'girls'- my peers I feel like not too many are actually going for what they *really* want. I see settlement. I see mediocrities. I see mundane faces going about their lives because theres the dream world, and then theres the real world.
No matter what I do in life- school, love, family- I am constantly searching for more. Constantly looking- sometimes for what- I don't know- but the search never seems to end. But I know that there has to be more! That every being, every action, every cessation has layers. These layers need to be peeled. Most of this search is that of my own being. I sit back and wonder if my mother and my grandmother and her mother ever got somewhere with their self searching. We never really talked much about our 'selves' our 'souls' our 'beings'- instead we just went day after day existing not living. In the rush to keep up with ...(who knows who!).. we did just that- existed. This is not to say that the females in my family never touched other lives or that no one really learned anything from them- that would be contradictory to the truth... but I digress... I read somewhere that we "are our grandmothers..." just with more things added in our life to be more efficient. I wonder how true that is... and how much of self searching...and self discovery my grams did!

This constant want...this constant search of things within ...keeps me up till 2.44 am ....

Sometimes

..I wish I could just have one person I could count on. However, the bitter fact of life, is that no matter what, I need to plan my life for myself. Not for anyone else- just me. Love withers away, or maybe it wasn't real to begin with; Friendships are there, but it has it's own life, away from mine. Each time I try to factor in someone else to share this life with, I am reminded that the only person I can count on to stay putt forever- is me. While the nice things like stability, love and independence seem like a distant future, I have to concentrate on the NOW. And I have to assume that this distant future is a very big "maybe" conditioned by the accordance that I be selfish and take only my ambition and goals into the formula. Another bitter lesson of life: In order to be selfless, you have to be selfish first.

Power, beauty and the struggle.

A recent magazine article stated that studies suggested that most men liked curves on their women. If most men like curves on women, why is it that a skinny woman is the envy of all women? Why is it that every magazine’s selling article has something to do with losing weight, dropping pounds, looking good for him- even main stream porn stars the emaciated, blonde running around losing the little self respect and dignity she had? Why is the “skinny, tall, blonde” the object of desire of so many men? And why is the “skinny blonde” still considered the ‘mainstream’?

Curvy women want to be rail thin. Rail thin women would kill to have curves. For generations women have done unimaginable things to themselves so that they are portrayed as the ‘desired.’ Women love to feel wanted. My question is, by whom? If it is by men, it certainly isn’t the men that magazines talk about! Is it that we are our own destruction? That we are our own enemy? Is it that we, in our minds, convince ourselves that men want what we are NOT… that the message has turned from “You can be anything you want” to “You have to be everything he wants”…We have willingly renounced the power of defining beauty by handing it to someone else, leaving ourselves feeling unworthy.

The very magazine that tries to convince me that men do want curvy women 4 pages later tells me how to get rid of unpleasant cellulite and unwanted ‘blubber’. Two pages further, it tells me how to lose the extra weight and how to look amazing…for him. Or how to treat him right in bed. Then another article in the same magazine proselytizes that I should look good for myself. Flip over to another page, and they show me how to look glamorous and rested even if I only had 2 hours of sleep. Whatever happened to dressing up to what fits me? Whatever happened to doing what worked best for me; what I liked and what I felt confident and comfortable in?

I have a Brazilian friend who dated a guy who loves ivory skinned red heads… (she's not ivory skinned, nor a red head, incase the 'Brazilian' part didn't give that one way) despite my opinion- that he is most probably with her temporarily because she’s a landmark for his sexcapades- she dated him. Two months later, he dumped her (for a plump, but ivory skinned red head.) They (plumpy and ex-dude) are married now. Another friend is still dating a guy who drools at any girl that happens to walk past him. Both these girls have a scarred self-esteem. These actions of significant others are the very actions and articles that tell us that we are inadequate. Right? Wrong.

Now, just bare with me here, does this not seem like a personal problem? The way I see it, if someone tells you directly, or indirectly that you are not adequate- leave. You already are everything you want, or at least are in the process of achieving it. What he wants, should be secondary- complimentary. Just like what you want is secondary to what he is. Shouldn’t a significant other be there for you for mental, emotional and spiritual support? The physical part should already be defined- it’s not like you lied to him when you first started dating- if he started dating a black girl, you didn’t flip the script and turn out to be white! Know your body; love it the way it is. If he doesn’t, someone else will. Why do women continue to date men who don’t appreciate them and accept their depreciating value day after day?

Women have the power of defining beauty. Unfortunately, we often hand this power over to someone else. So yes, you can always count on magazines, men, women and the media to make you feel incompetent and inadequate. The least you can do is take YOURSELF off that list.

Doing the right thing...

When will doing the right thing be second nature to us? Discipline plays an active role- a key role in being conscientious in our daily life and it seems like that it is the very thing that 99.9% of us lack. Why is it so hard for humans to desire to be ethical? We all have good intentions- but it stays just that- an intention. Everyone can relate to this- whether a person is trying to lose weight, get their credit straight, be faithful, do better in school or do better in life over all. We all know what the right choice is, yet we continue to pick the other- the forbidden; and then pay the price for it, sometimes for the rest of our lives.