Rant....

So I was watching Kathy Griffin on Comedy Central the other day... and she looked like she had lost (a lil' too much) weight recently and was *still* trying to appear smaller by wearing all black, a corset 2 sizes too small with a shirt that barely buttoned up- I mean you could tell she could barely breathe - and not to mention pants that were 3 sizes too big (and long.) Now- I know I should be the last person to talk about what someone is wearing but even a fashion-idiot like me could tell she was really trying- anyhow! So she mentions that she lost some weight and she went on to explain how she did it- "I'm hungry...I am constantly hungry! That's how I do it!!"

*pause*

Really?? Really Kathy?? Come on! It's not just her though...while flippin through the channels that same evening I heard one of the "Housewives" (err... I'm guessing Real Housewives of Orange County) say "The price of beauty is not eating."

*sigh*

It really irritates me that they even air that shit on TV. Seriously? Is this what you're telling the public? Is this the message you want to give your children? "Starve yourself - that's all!" Whats next?? We'll be takin Whitney's advice on how to roll up a blunt and lace it with coke to get the most of it??? "Oh GIRRRLLL cocaine really makes u lose weight cuz you get so FUCKED UP!! *twitch*" This bullcrap really pisses me off. This is why I've stopped watching TV. It's full of garbage and erroneous shytttt.
I have more respect for women that have and maintain muscle mass (without roids, thank you very much)- now THAT is much harder to do than to give into a sickness or worse- TRAIN yourself to ACQUIRE the sickness!! Sistas- get ya head out of ya ass and take care of yourselves!!!

********************************************

On a completely unrelated note, 15!!!!!!!!!!!! DAYS till I see my happiness =D

********************************************

I've also seen a surge of young punk kids using the N word. They are not black, don't even pretend to be (ok some of 'em do pretend) and they call someone else of another descent the N word.... Now let me tell ya... these are the same kids that flinch when something larger than a testicle comes flying at them... go around trying to be "thug" n shit. I swear- have these kids even opened up a history book??? Do they know where the word gets its root from? Do they know that even black people (with half a brain) don't talk like that?? They look like ignorant uneducated fools, I say! Then people whose concept about black culture is eons away from reality look at these fools and think thats how the real black folk act and hence the fuckedupness of this nation (well, at least when it comes to race issues.)

If I hear another preteen use that word I'm going go GHETTO on their asses. Madea ain't got shit on me! lol (j.k Tyler Perry..but we gon' talk about you in the next blog too ... so wait your turn!)

Random Randoms

Was tagged by Jace-Face I refuse to tag someone else and put 'em thru' the torture of what my dear friend Jace-Face has put me through- so here we go:

10 years ago

I was 19

was outgoing, popular, pretty and the lust of many men and at first, I was innocent.

Then I took advantage.

was very lonely.

Understood why boys were so nice to me and I took advantage

I made many lifepartners who still to this day have pieces of my heart. (However, I don't recognize these pieces anymore...just know that they are missing)

Popularity meshed up all my nights and days into one giant heap of fuckmylife. Mommys lil innocence was still sweet, still raging... just a lost soul

life goals were met- I was the center of this dying universe

5 years ago

I was 24

fulfilled the role of a great girlfriend- my perception- not his. His changed so very often and after 4 yrs of chasing a perception that was not mine... my moods could not keep up

Got lost in giving my then boyfriend everything I had and happily did so

was still very lonely...only found a mask called "my love" (which in itself was a lie..and it helped me cover up another lie ...and all was well in this world)

Realized I had no life goals and they therefore were never un-met. Just un-made.

Quickly and grudgingly confessed

Dove headfirst into 9 feet deep water knowing damn well I couldn't swim. But I learned.

Relearned how to crawl, walk and it helped me run just a lil faster... a lil more sure that my weak ankles, brittle bones and wobbly knees will hold me up! :)

Last year

Switched my life goals but was happy with it

I fell in love with academia ... not for the booze not for the sex not for the nights spent at bars and not for the freedom of fuckery. But solely for the freedom of academia.

Questions floated around my head: What the fuck did you just do?!?!

Immersed myself in books and love and poetry.

Realized I am not lonely... I love the peace and quiet of solitude

Still did not overcome procrastination (and as you can tell it still has not changed)

Loved myself ... swept myself off my own feet and it was the best I'd ever had... yet. I was content.

Yesterday

I fell in love with a martial artist.

realized I love sharing this solitude only with a select few and yet - I have to kick them out to relearn myself every now and then.

I laughed, stressed, felt silly, beautiful and I ached. I wanted to finally be home someday soon.

Wondered if I'll ever fulfill all my dreams especially with life always making its own demands and agenda on MY time...

On stereotyping your own race...

I've been in the U.S of A. for a good 11 years now and I never fully understood the cliquey-ness of the Indian culture here. Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I'm not attacking ALL INDIANS EVERYWHERE- I know, I haven't had the pleasure of meetin' and greetin' with my peoples from the motherland who have settled in states other than New Jersey -nor have I met with every Indian settled in NJ- so I'm not generalizing ...just accounting for my personal interactions... Anyhow ... where were we? Oh! Right! Indians- So, my sister jokes that my circle of friends always looks like the United Colors of Benetton ad and I never thought anything of it because I made friends based on personality and never on looks (which you would think is the norm...but apparently not :-P)
Back when I was in college, I never paid attention to what someone wore or how they looked- if they were cool, they could be my peeps. But not with the Indian kids on campus. Nu-uh. You had to dress a certain way, act a certain way- be a certain way (i.e a full-fledged Indian.) One day my girl Angie and I were in the cafeteria and the "cool" kids walked in. I commented about the mob-mentality and wondered why they always gave me the cold shoulder. That's when Angie said "Gurrrrrl, that's cuz you gots some soul in you! You know you don't look Indian! I thought you were from one of the Islands!" I was shocked at first because I never paid attention to the differences as far as looks was concerned but I took it as a compliment (Don't get me wrong, Indians can be BEAUTIFUL... but damn ...some of the stank ass attitudes I've come across negates any hotness)
Anyhow, a few years later, I was back down in South Jersey and my coworker named Shweta was telling me about her parents. She continued to say "Well, you see, in the Indian culture..." I laughed and said ..."Who you tellin'? I know! I AM INDIAN!" She was shocked to say the least. After a few punches in my arm and a few more "NU-UH!! YOU ARE?!"'s she continued with the story then proceeded to invite me to go bowling and shoot some pool with her friends. I accept and meet them at the spot and order a beer. Her friends were all Indians and mostly guys. NONE of them seemed to want to talk to me. Even after the formal introduction, they all pretty much wanted to steer clear of me. Then I hear whispers and I hear Shweta say "No... dude..she's Indian!" (Later I asked her what that was all about and she said they were wondering why she invited me- a non-indian -for the night out) As soon as she said "She's Indian!" I hear a sigh of relief and 4 guys come up immediately and start talking to me. So what? Now all of a sudden because I'm Indian I'm cool? How do they know that I'm not really this devious, bitchy, daughter-of-satan, wretched wench of a female? How does being Indian make me a good person? How does it mean that I have the same morals and values as them? (Since we evidently don't share the same morals and values- And I'm not saying mine are better than theirs or theirs better than mine- it's just different is all I'm sayin') It kinda disgusted me and I must say that I never hung out with them again.
I do get that some people are more comfortable with their own culture or a certain culture... however just because I was born to Indian peoples does NOT mean I am a certain way. It doesn't mean you know me or that you know what I like/prefer. That's worst than someone from outside my culture stereotyping that I have already been 'promised' to man who more likely than not is close to my fathers age. These are MY people.... telling me I have to adhere to certain unwritten, foolish rules and regulations lest I be labled an outcast. I know that even in the melting pot called the U.S.A, every race, every culture, every ethnicity has their own cliques and each clique has their own requirements that one must fullfil. I'm just not ready to accept that I must change who I am to fit in somewhere. Like my idol StaceyAnn Chin says " I want to go down in history in a chapter marked miscellaneous because the writers could find no other way to categorize me ....In this world where classification is key I want to erase the straight lines... So I can be me!"

Why am I single?

{transported from my other blog}

So people keep asking me why I am single.
#1 Being single is not a disease.
#2 Single does not equal lonely and sad.

There are a few morals and values that I will absolutely not compromise. I have an unsatisfying need to befriend myself with others whose standards are as high as my own. I know it seems negative, but is it possible to love and respect a spouse that harbors ideals that completely turn you off? Opinions are something you can compromise and learn to respect, but I am talking about the deeper, underlying motive and drive of the person. I work with fierce intensity toward my goal-however menial it may be and I have an imperative need for some connection or fusion with another which will prove sensually fulfilling, but which will not conflict with my convictions or sense of fitness. There aren't too many men who are for Womanism. Few understand the concept. Minority rights? Animal rights? Add to it a necessity for absolute and complete loyalty along with honesty, trust and unconditional love...well, you see my problem now, don't you?

Another reason being, I refuse to settle. Just because someone is good to you doesn't mean he is good for you. When I think about it, I've been proposed to too many times and I've always declined, mainly because deep down inside, I knew that that guy wasn't for me. Don't they say, "When you're in love, you'll know"...well, I don't even know what "love" is in that case. I've learned from the past relationships, so I am in no way saying that they were a waste of time, but I do know what I am looking for and what I don't want in a relationship. It may seem like I'm asking for the world and then some, but I don't ask for a thing I couldn't offer myself.

I have also learned to never keep my mouth shut when I'm being wronged. Too many guys aren't down with that. I don't take shit from anyone, my mother taught me well. I know how I should be treated and what I deserve. Unfortunately for me, that's not a good thing. But I manage to see past these obstacles. Life has far more to offer and there are still important things to be achieved-- life must be experienced to the fullest. I am aggressive in pursuing my objectives and I tend to become deeply involved with whatever I am working on. I need someone who will be there for me at the end of the day, but will let me 'fly' and do my own thing per se. I don't believe in the "better/other half" concept either. In my opinion, 2 grown, independent, WHOLE individuals should come together to compliment each other not complete each other. Just like they say "You have to learn to love yourself first, before anyone else can love you," shouldn't you already be mature, complete, happy and satisfied with yourself before you can make someone else happy?

Education

I have been a witness (not a victim, mind you) to what happens when ones basic and primary rights are snatched away. I know how the story ends when you are born and bought up to believe that you are inferior; that just because you were born without a dick, your education, your happiness, your life and your needs come secondary to that of your brothers. As a minority I have witnessed racism (and everyone is so shy to give it a name in fear of being labeled “uppity.”) I have heard snickers of uncaused white boys in the back row of a class when a black female talked about her life experiences as a young lesbian. My self-education started only after I left a four year University that severely failed in providing me with a proper, unbiased education. I have wept after realizing the history of America that I read in my high school text books- was just a story; a fiction knitted by someone who deemed himself patriotic. Omission, twists of the truth and blatant lies guised as the legitimacy fabricates a story that teachers themselves swallow then feed the children the same bullshit they digested in their quest of being a good student. As a naïve, untainted teenager I thought “Education is a wonderful thing. Education will light up this world and bring forth liberty and justice for all.” Yes, It was the omission of education that kept and still keeps Black America down today. It is the lack of education that still keeps Jamaica predominantly homophobic today. It is the lack of education that still lets India sell her young into arranged marriages while the legal system looks the other way. Education: the fabric of our life.

As a child my mother always encouraged me to seek higher education so I could become rich and have my own money. Having my own money would mean security of life. She would reiterate that having money would give me financial freedom, which in turn would give me emotional freedom, which in turn would give me the freedom of choice. The freedom to leave (an unhappy home) when I want to, the freedom to live (a life I choose) the way I want to, the freedom to fuck (whoever my little heart desires) how I want to and the freedom (and power) to walk away. But is this where the role of education ends? People have stopped wanting to go to school for an education. Here is a generation that looks at education as a means to an end. Why is it that children of artists and song writers and rappers and athletes do not aggressively pursue an education that is as available to them as a prostitute available to a hundred dollar bill? (In many ways, education is a prostitute that only serves the rich) What about life lessons? What about being able to get away from the opinions and views of only your parents and venturing out to gain the opinions and life takes from other venues? MONEY has blind sighted us from the other benefits of an education. Unfortunately, we now stop pursuing an education once we are financially stable (or happy with where we are.) Growth must come from within and must be constant. The want and need for knowledge does not end with financial security. Every aspect of our life is influenced by education. Knowing and not knowing makes the difference
In life and death.
In war and peace.
In loving and hating.
In arrogance and ignorance.

Education: it is The fabric of our life.

Ain't it funny

...how things work out? He sure does take good care of me! I have recently been in a 'funk' and this 'funk' has lasted all semester. I have managed to pull through though. Still maintaining my 4.0 - just not actually earning the 4.0. I'm just 'gettin by' by putting in enough to get a 90+ and not aiming for that 100. Anyhow, so this week was especially bad. I had a major Anatomy and Physiology exam and- I slacked. So much so that I didn't even bother listening to the lectures or reading the whole chapter. It ain't that hard to do- but alas, I didn't.

I went to school half trying to suppress the anxiety and trying my level best to not freak out last minute by telling myself "Let's just see how this goes..." (yea right!) My friend K calls me up and says "Hey Shirlz! Class is canceled!! Class is canceled!! Exam isn't until next Tuesday!!!!" (yes, K was so excited that all those exclamation points are necessary in capturing all that enthu :-P) I immediately did a tiny little victory dance in the library after which the Librarian told me to quiet down. I thanked God for yet another salvation and promised to stud stud study my butt off for this exam ;) so far, so good =D

I love you God!! =D *hugs n kisses*

I think I can...I think I will!

I have been having a hell of a time trying to get things done. I have a long list of chores and to-dos and all, bar a few household errands, have a deadline. Does that motivate me? Noooo Does someone need a kick in their ass? Yesss.
I chalk this up to the weather. Yes, I said it. The weather. I hate the winter and the dreariness it brings. It makes me want to curl up in bed preferably with some hot chocolate (with whipped cream and marshmallows on top) watch a nice movie, and have the heat up on high. Who wants to run around getting things done while its wet and everything seems to drag? But since it is winter and I am just that lazy, I end up passing up the hot chocolate in all its goodness and just watching a movie whilst I lay under my warm comforter. At least I'm not putting on *more* weight on my lard ass. My poor lil knees are already begging for mercy.
So today, finally it was nice and sunny (not warm... the sun was out... but its snowing - gah!) and I got most of my to-dos done! (welll at least the ones I had set as a goal for today) The only one thing that didn't get done was talk to Dr. Atsu-Swansy, my crazy Ghanaian professor who is guiding me through my AfricAid project - he left for the day even though his office hours were still supposedly in session. grr.

Anyhow, I do feel a tiny bit accomplished. I'd feel a lot more accomplished if I started off on my applications to certain schools. So off I go! Toodles!

Golden soul, stripped soul

It's been a long time since I updated, but meh.. :-P I doubt anyone reads this stuff anyways. I've been super busy with school and work lately which is a good thing. Wanted to update with a few things...School is goin' great! All A's in classes so far =) A slight chance of a B+ (Why does this sound like a weather report) but if I do good on this exam, it's a sure A =) My friends at school are really helping me through this time- school and personal issues alike. What would I do without you guys?! :) I love each and every one of you...Lami (my backbone), Henok(my smile), Lee (my hun neeyy), Carlos, Steph. Miriam (my support)! Work sucks. As usual...it isn't the work at all...it's the people... the lack of enthu and motivation is taking a toll on my own attitude, which isn't a good thing so I'm lookin for something better (aren't we all)

I've been so busy that I haven't had the chance to listen and enjoy my music lately. That makes me unhappy. I haven't been able to dance and that's just not who I am ;) (BUT! COMING SOON: Dance classes every Saturday WOOHOOOO!) It bothers me that there's such amazing talent out there that I haven't had the chance to listen to yet. I'm talking about soul music- Erykah Badu, Legend (ok, even though he talks about cheatin n bein a dog.... he's got some good stuff :-P) India, Floetry, Roots,Angie, Hamilton ... I need more of it! It's what really keeps me going! I bought Jill's new album and its defi amazing. My favorite song is the #17 on her CD. It makes me think :)

It also is gettin cold out. I hate the cold. I despise the cold. If cold was a physical being, I'd shred it and torture it and make sure it's DEAD lol I hate cold things. Even ice cream. I'd RREEALLYY have to be in the mood to eat it. I don't like the cold weather, cold pizza, cold metal, cold food (even salad! I actually heat up my salads... weird, I know), cold people... the list goes on. My list for pharmacy schools has narrowed down to the warm weathered states. I want to visit Cali and see if it's hot enough out there for me. I loved Texas. mmmm Perfect! except for the pretty beaches. Which is very important to me. You see, the weather plays a great role in my mood and temperament. When it's warm I'm happy, giddy, hyper... excited to do something new. When it's cold, I become a piece of lard. I don't move unless someone actively MAKES me move ;-p No, thinking doesn't count. Even though thinking is technically work (sodium ions moving against it's concentration gradient IS work :-D) my thinking never stops....

---------------------------------------

Love is

"The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday."
-Baz

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I like the Sunscreen song... mostly because I know every word it holds is ...so true. So I was thinking about this part of the lyrics. And I'd always thought that maybe I just won't be able to have kids... but see, that problem is one too easy to solve. (Adoption.) So I thought what if I don't succeed in life? That ball kept rolling around in the tiny little mind of mine... would my 'real' problem in life be something that I could avoid? Something that is in my control? It would seem (logically) avoidable. So I thought what else could go wrong? (Death, according to me, is the least of anyones problems) Maybe I won't find love? Or maybe I do find it, but fail to recognize it until its way too late? I've always said "don't love the way YOU want to be loved...love the way the person you love loves.." I don't know if I read that somewhere when I was really little or if it's an innate value that I've always had...maybe that's what I learned in my past life that stuck with me in this one. Maybe I won't find a love that would love in the ways that I recognize? What if that's already happened? But I haven't loved yet ...I know this because I don't know what 'love' is. Yes, I have performed dutifully as a girlfriend. Above and beyond. But is that all love is? Performing ones duty; loyalty? I think not. It HAS to be something larger than life.

oye vey. This little head of mine...


Then I cut my thoughts shortly afterward because the more thought I put into it, the more I started convincing myself that this IS what my problem is going to be (heh OCD, you can say... I thought what if I DO find love but I fawk it up by all my thinking and convincing that I won't..what if THAT is the REAL problem?... hahaa) so you see, I am very close to driving myself insane :-P





"Would you come after me
if I was upset
Would you try to win me back?
Or would you go after another snatch?
Wait I think you already answered that." *



*Again, no not in relation to anyone...just came to me, so I jotted it down :-p

my familiarity with the unfamiliars...

I want a lot of things most girls, I think, want. But when I take a look around me and I look at these 'girls'- my peers I feel like not too many are actually going for what they *really* want. I see settlement. I see mediocrities. I see mundane faces going about their lives because theres the dream world, and then theres the real world.
No matter what I do in life- school, love, family- I am constantly searching for more. Constantly looking- sometimes for what- I don't know- but the search never seems to end. But I know that there has to be more! That every being, every action, every cessation has layers. These layers need to be peeled. Most of this search is that of my own being. I sit back and wonder if my mother and my grandmother and her mother ever got somewhere with their self searching. We never really talked much about our 'selves' our 'souls' our 'beings'- instead we just went day after day existing not living. In the rush to keep up with ...(who knows who!).. we did just that- existed. This is not to say that the females in my family never touched other lives or that no one really learned anything from them- that would be contradictory to the truth... but I digress... I read somewhere that we "are our grandmothers..." just with more things added in our life to be more efficient. I wonder how true that is... and how much of self searching...and self discovery my grams did!

This constant want...this constant search of things within ...keeps me up till 2.44 am ....

Yet another day of self-discovery...

There is much beauty in this world.... There are people who are just as selfish as a flower- they bloom, make peoples lives brighter, bring a sense of success and fulfillment to anyone passing by, exhilarate all animals, tingles almost all senses of anyone in its presence and then, slowly and quietly dies off, most of the times unnoticed. Then there are the kind of people that never even realize that spring has come and gone and are still focused on the winter and the dreary clouds it brings, wallowing in their own sorrows making not only theirs but others lives miserable as well. I fell in the latter category for the longest time.

I recently came to realize that there are flowers all around me! Worst part is- they ARE in the brightest of colors and in full bloom. I notice these flowers, but passed them off as an annoyance because I thought it hid other things from my focus. I noticed these flowers but I constantly wanted to know what was beyond the flowers; wondering what God wanted me to see and never once stopped to think maybe He intended for me to see these flowers and rejoice them. Real issue? I focused on the wrong things...I'd see flowers, then I'd see the setting it is in, and pass it off as hindrance or a roadblock.

Due to past experiences I have trouble trusting anyone- which is a problem, but not a big one per se- it did become one when I realized (as I write this piece) I was at a point where I could barely see any positives in anyone at all. I saw positives, but I automatically focused on the negatives. The negatives would irritate me so much that I'd deliberate over and over and I'd end up with a migraine. Enough exposure to the same negative aspect with one person, my brain automatically associated the person with a migraine and being around that person became excruciating.

Is it possible that because the world is such a cold place that these flowers seem to die quicker? That they seem to come fewer and farther in between now? Maybe. But that's not the point, is it? It's not the quantity its the quality of ones life that makes the difference. For example, I've been bitching about my colleague day in and day out. You'd think she was the epitome of a moron, an accident waiting to happen...I was so rilled up in all her "wrongs" that I forgot what a beautiful person lies beneath the roughness, beneath her "old traditional ways," beneath the woman who "takes forever to do one minuscule project". She's caring-genuinely caring and she thinks about you even when she's done with work. Occasionally, she'd cook for me and my boss just because. Not to get a raise, not to gain anything- just because she thought we'd like to have some. She does all these little things that come to her like second nature that leave me stunned. She has offered me more than most, but did I ever once stop and think "wow! this person is...something!!" Nope.

My MENTOR is this wonderful woman who has managed to raise a family and be a successful business and career woman, raising 2 kids who absolutely adore her and a husband who fought cancer not too long ago and won. This woman lost a best friend to cancer and 3 months later received news that her husband of 12 some years was suffering from the same disease. She has helped with charitable organizations, volunteered for umpteen charities and has had more social events at her house than Lindsay Lohan's done shots...I cannot fathom how one could single handedly manage every single aspect of her life so well and yet remain a size 6.

I am in no way saying that the said people are perfect in every way. Each has their own faults but the goods outweigh the bads in immeasurable units. In the end, each IS perfect in their own way. I know each one will disappoint me at one point or another. That's what humans do. You fall, and you rise and shine brighter. People need to focus on the results of the downs than the branch that tripped them down and world that didn't warn him/her of said branch ;)

The world is a beautiful place. The world is also cold and hard. It depends on how YOU choose to see it.You get what you put in... So I just made a pact with myself. I will surround myself with the most amazing people you will ever meet. I speculate the key is not that I have to hunt the future saints of this world and surround myself with them, but be the kind of person that makes people want to be amazing when around me. I want to somehow manage to take the best quality in each person I keep close and accentuate those values. I already trust few, and expect almost nothing from anyone unless I have let them in my 'inner circle.' I don't plan on embellishing anyone so much as to come off as a sycophant, but theres an amazing delicate balance of accentuating and encouraging truth and flat out ass kissing and that can be achieved with little skill,time and effort. So Good Luck to me!! =)



P.S. My Moto Q came in the mail the very next day and I love it! :-D












Random rant*
Another failed relationship
Another fleeting feeling
Another heart broken
This time it was my fault.


*No this isn't about me or any of my late, or current relationship...just came to me so I 'jotted' it down

Binding Breathing and much a-dos about nothings.

Few things on my mind today.... just a gist...

Frustration is what grips me right now. I'm having one of those days: I want what I want and I want it now! The expeditious world of consumerism has finally taken over. It hasn't been 24 hours since I ordered my Moto Q phone through Sprint and I want it already. I had an interesting conversation (As usual ;P) with my boss today and he talked about binding desires versus non-binding desires in life. What I have right now is a binding desire. It's not like I am completely cut off from the world..I still have my phone AND laptop at my disposal, however I want to play with my new toy. Never mind I need to be working on all these things that would make life MUCH easier for me in the long run... I wanna play.

My boss-man and I have been talking about meditation a lot (he IS a pharmacist and says "Meditation works better than medication...") Within 5 minutes of me standing next to him he noticed that I was wheezing... one thing led to another, and basically I don't breathe and I get hyped up. I stress out. I need to relax. So! Meditation is whats on my list of things to do. I don't overtly stress out, however this explains why 3 chiropractors- including a part-time body-builder military Drill Instructor- couldn't for the life of them crack my back. They said I was simply too tense. So for now: Breathe.

I have a few things I need to take care of... But why is it that I can only concentrate on ONE thing and get only that accomplished? At work I'm a master-multi-tasker... However once I get done work and my life needs me, I get paralyzed... I become a bonafide moron. Hmm...

I want all these things and time just seems like the biggest bitch right now- I want school to start- I have to wait till Sept. I want to move down south- I have to wail till June 21st. I want to start Rx School- I have to wait for 2 yrs. I want my DL, I have to wait till July for it. I want my car, I have to wait for the flippin place to fix it. I want my phone- I have to wait (PATIENTLY) for it to arrive in the mail. BLLLAAAHHH! If time were physical, I'd be fightin it right now.

Much more to come....but for now, gotta shower! =) toodles!

Psychology, Predictability, Rules, Functions: Making hay when the sun shines.

Math. Why do so many children (and surprisingly adults) fear it? It is almost treated as a disease and this disease infected my life starting out like a minor bump- as a questionable subject to becoming a dread- to blowing up to a full fledged tumor- to fear and from there on I just plain avoided it. Almost 10 years later, I decided to give it an honest try and…I love it. Why?

Fine Print vs. Math: In math, there is no “backing out” like with people. In math, there are a set of rules and regulations. No fine print. Never a fine print. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to hate fine print. People, despite their promises, are unpredictable. Especially when people are in ‘power,’ the possibility of fine print is endless. This is where math becomes my solitude. One can get engrossed in the intricate workings of this immense system and the rules don’t change. All your work and efforts won’t go futile at the snap of an indecisive finger. Math is constant. And constant doesn’t always mean stagnant.

Personality vs. Definition: My nature is as eccentric as it is changeable and impulsive. While I love frolicking in the garden feeling the grass under my feet and being entranced in my own world, I like knowing what I can and cannot do. I like knowing my boundaries and what is expected of me. This knowledge will give me the power tools I need to drill myself a foundation that will not vacillate due to cursory forces- be it people or situations. In a way, I am as “cancerous” a Cancer can get when it comes to situations that would affect me and me alone- ever changing- but I’m the complete opposite when someone else’s life and feelings come into play. Why? Because I have yet to come across someone who actually means what they say… and I know how frustrating that can be.

You know how they say "One's true character is revealed in times of disparity..." I say"One's true integrity is revealed in times of sovereignty."

The Crust

So it is finally time to make decisions. I know it’s a little late in life, but everyone takes time in doing his or her share of growing up. While I may not have succeeded in a few parts of life, I have however, succeeded in other parts few can say they have. I’ve gone through most of my life being sub-par. Feeling numb almost. Any situation was dealt with an apathy most might find appalling. I don’t say this today with regret- since it bought up many meaningful conversations with two of my closest friends. I can’t say, to this day, that I have experienced what it is to love another human being, or to be in so much pain (emotionally) that it hurts. Or to have so much joy in my ‘heart’ that it’s almost unbearable. Or to truly be affected by news that does not directly pertain to me. Do not confuse this with selfishness.I know it’s not because I have done things that prove otherwise and my friends know otherwise. Which brings me to question- Is it that I do “feel” but that feeling is so fleeting that I keep searching for more? Or is it that I am just numb from dealing with life with so much apathy for so long, tucking away emotions that were anger, guilt, belittlement, sadness, disappointment that the only thing I feel is rage and anger? Not to say that my childhood was bad- in fact- it was sub-par. I then read somewhere that in some situations the brain sends signals to one’s body to emotionally “shut-down” if the information given to it is too much to handle. Could it be that after dealing with so many instances of “fuck it… such is life” my emotions have been permanently “shut down?” But what about anger? It seemed for a long time- even when I was away in college- it was the only emotion that gave me some satisfaction that I could feel. It was the only feeling that was deep enough to quench the thirst that has for so long parched my body. I talked to many people I know ...about feelings and such, and most shy away from such topics mostly because it makes them uncomfortable. Could it be because they feel just as much as I do, but go with it because that’s what they are ‘supposed’ to feel and act and react? And questioning it or even deep conversations about it stir up questions or uneasiness that leads them into unfamiliar territory and this they do not or can not deal with? I am still left wondering.

This now, brings me to the dreaded issue- TRUST. Trust: The reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety etc. of a person or thing. Confidence. During one of my many such “meaningful” conversations with W, I realized that in my growing up I haven’t really trusted anyone. This ties into my “fuck it…such is life” comment. Whenever I was ‘let down’ I was always took the “fuck it…such is life” route. I cannot say I have done any growing since. Or maybe this is part of the “growing.” He gave me a gem of an advice. He said I was on the right track. Morbid as it may sound, I have yet to be hurt. Recently, I found out that a certain person has been extremely duplicitous about a few things and this is affecting me first hand. It hurt very little due to the nature of the closeness in our relationship (or lack there of now.) But I expect people to do this. Nothing in life has come easy for me (partly this was my own doing and partially ..."Fate...?") and I know as long as I am placing myself in certain situations, it never will. But I do know I have me I can count on. I know my trials, my wisdom, my knowledge, my privation, my familiarity; my tribulations are going to be mine. I know I can count on a very few externals ever falling into place (I mean, come on, when do they ever?!) And when I do get to the spot where I intend to be in a few years, the success is going to be mine because the trials, the wisdom, the knowledge, the privation, the familiarity...were all mine and mine alone. The people who presume to know me need to take another look. While I may seem reclusive there are few things that do go past me. In the end what you say, comes right back to me, crumbling the narrow path we had remaining.

P.S. Please do not call me up asking me about who the person is or “what’s that all about!?” If you read this and feel guilty, it may as well be about you. lol