Rant....

So I was watching Kathy Griffin on Comedy Central the other day... and she looked like she had lost (a lil' too much) weight recently and was *still* trying to appear smaller by wearing all black, a corset 2 sizes too small with a shirt that barely buttoned up- I mean you could tell she could barely breathe - and not to mention pants that were 3 sizes too big (and long.) Now- I know I should be the last person to talk about what someone is wearing but even a fashion-idiot like me could tell she was really trying- anyhow! So she mentions that she lost some weight and she went on to explain how she did it- "I'm hungry...I am constantly hungry! That's how I do it!!"

*pause*

Really?? Really Kathy?? Come on! It's not just her though...while flippin through the channels that same evening I heard one of the "Housewives" (err... I'm guessing Real Housewives of Orange County) say "The price of beauty is not eating."

*sigh*

It really irritates me that they even air that shit on TV. Seriously? Is this what you're telling the public? Is this the message you want to give your children? "Starve yourself - that's all!" Whats next?? We'll be takin Whitney's advice on how to roll up a blunt and lace it with coke to get the most of it??? "Oh GIRRRLLL cocaine really makes u lose weight cuz you get so FUCKED UP!! *twitch*" This bullcrap really pisses me off. This is why I've stopped watching TV. It's full of garbage and erroneous shytttt.
I have more respect for women that have and maintain muscle mass (without roids, thank you very much)- now THAT is much harder to do than to give into a sickness or worse- TRAIN yourself to ACQUIRE the sickness!! Sistas- get ya head out of ya ass and take care of yourselves!!!

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On a completely unrelated note, 15!!!!!!!!!!!! DAYS till I see my happiness =D

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I've also seen a surge of young punk kids using the N word. They are not black, don't even pretend to be (ok some of 'em do pretend) and they call someone else of another descent the N word.... Now let me tell ya... these are the same kids that flinch when something larger than a testicle comes flying at them... go around trying to be "thug" n shit. I swear- have these kids even opened up a history book??? Do they know where the word gets its root from? Do they know that even black people (with half a brain) don't talk like that?? They look like ignorant uneducated fools, I say! Then people whose concept about black culture is eons away from reality look at these fools and think thats how the real black folk act and hence the fuckedupness of this nation (well, at least when it comes to race issues.)

If I hear another preteen use that word I'm going go GHETTO on their asses. Madea ain't got shit on me! lol (j.k Tyler Perry..but we gon' talk about you in the next blog too ... so wait your turn!)

Random Randoms

Was tagged by Jace-Face I refuse to tag someone else and put 'em thru' the torture of what my dear friend Jace-Face has put me through- so here we go:

10 years ago

I was 19

was outgoing, popular, pretty and the lust of many men and at first, I was innocent.

Then I took advantage.

was very lonely.

Understood why boys were so nice to me and I took advantage

I made many lifepartners who still to this day have pieces of my heart. (However, I don't recognize these pieces anymore...just know that they are missing)

Popularity meshed up all my nights and days into one giant heap of fuckmylife. Mommys lil innocence was still sweet, still raging... just a lost soul

life goals were met- I was the center of this dying universe

5 years ago

I was 24

fulfilled the role of a great girlfriend- my perception- not his. His changed so very often and after 4 yrs of chasing a perception that was not mine... my moods could not keep up

Got lost in giving my then boyfriend everything I had and happily did so

was still very lonely...only found a mask called "my love" (which in itself was a lie..and it helped me cover up another lie ...and all was well in this world)

Realized I had no life goals and they therefore were never un-met. Just un-made.

Quickly and grudgingly confessed

Dove headfirst into 9 feet deep water knowing damn well I couldn't swim. But I learned.

Relearned how to crawl, walk and it helped me run just a lil faster... a lil more sure that my weak ankles, brittle bones and wobbly knees will hold me up! :)

Last year

Switched my life goals but was happy with it

I fell in love with academia ... not for the booze not for the sex not for the nights spent at bars and not for the freedom of fuckery. But solely for the freedom of academia.

Questions floated around my head: What the fuck did you just do?!?!

Immersed myself in books and love and poetry.

Realized I am not lonely... I love the peace and quiet of solitude

Still did not overcome procrastination (and as you can tell it still has not changed)

Loved myself ... swept myself off my own feet and it was the best I'd ever had... yet. I was content.

Yesterday

I fell in love with a martial artist.

realized I love sharing this solitude only with a select few and yet - I have to kick them out to relearn myself every now and then.

I laughed, stressed, felt silly, beautiful and I ached. I wanted to finally be home someday soon.

Wondered if I'll ever fulfill all my dreams especially with life always making its own demands and agenda on MY time...

Ain't it funny

...how things work out? He sure does take good care of me! I have recently been in a 'funk' and this 'funk' has lasted all semester. I have managed to pull through though. Still maintaining my 4.0 - just not actually earning the 4.0. I'm just 'gettin by' by putting in enough to get a 90+ and not aiming for that 100. Anyhow, so this week was especially bad. I had a major Anatomy and Physiology exam and- I slacked. So much so that I didn't even bother listening to the lectures or reading the whole chapter. It ain't that hard to do- but alas, I didn't.

I went to school half trying to suppress the anxiety and trying my level best to not freak out last minute by telling myself "Let's just see how this goes..." (yea right!) My friend K calls me up and says "Hey Shirlz! Class is canceled!! Class is canceled!! Exam isn't until next Tuesday!!!!" (yes, K was so excited that all those exclamation points are necessary in capturing all that enthu :-P) I immediately did a tiny little victory dance in the library after which the Librarian told me to quiet down. I thanked God for yet another salvation and promised to stud stud study my butt off for this exam ;) so far, so good =D

I love you God!! =D *hugs n kisses*

I think I can...I think I will!

I have been having a hell of a time trying to get things done. I have a long list of chores and to-dos and all, bar a few household errands, have a deadline. Does that motivate me? Noooo Does someone need a kick in their ass? Yesss.
I chalk this up to the weather. Yes, I said it. The weather. I hate the winter and the dreariness it brings. It makes me want to curl up in bed preferably with some hot chocolate (with whipped cream and marshmallows on top) watch a nice movie, and have the heat up on high. Who wants to run around getting things done while its wet and everything seems to drag? But since it is winter and I am just that lazy, I end up passing up the hot chocolate in all its goodness and just watching a movie whilst I lay under my warm comforter. At least I'm not putting on *more* weight on my lard ass. My poor lil knees are already begging for mercy.
So today, finally it was nice and sunny (not warm... the sun was out... but its snowing - gah!) and I got most of my to-dos done! (welll at least the ones I had set as a goal for today) The only one thing that didn't get done was talk to Dr. Atsu-Swansy, my crazy Ghanaian professor who is guiding me through my AfricAid project - he left for the day even though his office hours were still supposedly in session. grr.

Anyhow, I do feel a tiny bit accomplished. I'd feel a lot more accomplished if I started off on my applications to certain schools. So off I go! Toodles!

It all aches...

At the tender age of 27, my bones have been giving out on me. Yes. Giving out on me. I have been so unhealthy and its finally taking a toll on me, all at once. So I'm going to take this as a warning and start making a few minor adjustments that will (hopefully) lead to a few major changes.


I crave sleep now. So I sleep. Will update later. =)

Toodles!

Golden soul, stripped soul

It's been a long time since I updated, but meh.. :-P I doubt anyone reads this stuff anyways. I've been super busy with school and work lately which is a good thing. Wanted to update with a few things...School is goin' great! All A's in classes so far =) A slight chance of a B+ (Why does this sound like a weather report) but if I do good on this exam, it's a sure A =) My friends at school are really helping me through this time- school and personal issues alike. What would I do without you guys?! :) I love each and every one of you...Lami (my backbone), Henok(my smile), Lee (my hun neeyy), Carlos, Steph. Miriam (my support)! Work sucks. As usual...it isn't the work at all...it's the people... the lack of enthu and motivation is taking a toll on my own attitude, which isn't a good thing so I'm lookin for something better (aren't we all)

I've been so busy that I haven't had the chance to listen and enjoy my music lately. That makes me unhappy. I haven't been able to dance and that's just not who I am ;) (BUT! COMING SOON: Dance classes every Saturday WOOHOOOO!) It bothers me that there's such amazing talent out there that I haven't had the chance to listen to yet. I'm talking about soul music- Erykah Badu, Legend (ok, even though he talks about cheatin n bein a dog.... he's got some good stuff :-P) India, Floetry, Roots,Angie, Hamilton ... I need more of it! It's what really keeps me going! I bought Jill's new album and its defi amazing. My favorite song is the #17 on her CD. It makes me think :)

It also is gettin cold out. I hate the cold. I despise the cold. If cold was a physical being, I'd shred it and torture it and make sure it's DEAD lol I hate cold things. Even ice cream. I'd RREEALLYY have to be in the mood to eat it. I don't like the cold weather, cold pizza, cold metal, cold food (even salad! I actually heat up my salads... weird, I know), cold people... the list goes on. My list for pharmacy schools has narrowed down to the warm weathered states. I want to visit Cali and see if it's hot enough out there for me. I loved Texas. mmmm Perfect! except for the pretty beaches. Which is very important to me. You see, the weather plays a great role in my mood and temperament. When it's warm I'm happy, giddy, hyper... excited to do something new. When it's cold, I become a piece of lard. I don't move unless someone actively MAKES me move ;-p No, thinking doesn't count. Even though thinking is technically work (sodium ions moving against it's concentration gradient IS work :-D) my thinking never stops....

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That friend

So lately I've been thinking about 'that friend'...you know- everyone has one...even that friend has a that friend... the one you can NOT stand at all...the one who you're embarrassed of-the one who can and will say the wrong things at the wrong time and comes out looking like a complete ass in the process (and you look like a complete ass by association) -your dirty little secret- you bitch about him/ her complain and dread every second that you have to spend with him/her- but you keep him/her around anyways... but when someone asks you "Well then why are you friends with him/her?" you have no answer to. I'm sure I, myself, am that friend to someone... but I always wonder why people keep em around... Is it self-validation? Is it apathy? Is it lack of a spine? Or the need for drama? Or is it just because you'd rather not deal with the drama that would come with cutting off all ties (the tears ..oh the tears!)

I was confronted today by such a situation, where I could just say what needs to be said to save a non-existing friendship OR I could just cut off all ties . I chose the latter. My friends who knew about it joked and once again, called me the untamed, wild shrew (I'm insensitive) The way I see it- It doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me an honest one.

Sometimes

..I wish I could just have one person I could count on. However, the bitter fact of life, is that no matter what, I need to plan my life for myself. Not for anyone else- just me. Love withers away, or maybe it wasn't real to begin with; Friendships are there, but it has it's own life, away from mine. Each time I try to factor in someone else to share this life with, I am reminded that the only person I can count on to stay putt forever- is me. While the nice things like stability, love and independence seem like a distant future, I have to concentrate on the NOW. And I have to assume that this distant future is a very big "maybe" conditioned by the accordance that I be selfish and take only my ambition and goals into the formula. Another bitter lesson of life: In order to be selfless, you have to be selfish first.

More frustration

I've finally come to a point of exhaustion due to 'deeper thinking.' I caught myself wondering what it would be like to be shallow, worry and thought free. While work takes up all of my time and energy, even a millisecond of cessation causes all these thoughts to flood my mind digging deeper holes, uprooting any strong convictions. I want to feel the joys of working on auto-pilot. Search and Destroy. No "planning" no "asking" no "waiting." Just Search. And Destroy.

Binding Breathing and much a-dos about nothings.

Few things on my mind today.... just a gist...

Frustration is what grips me right now. I'm having one of those days: I want what I want and I want it now! The expeditious world of consumerism has finally taken over. It hasn't been 24 hours since I ordered my Moto Q phone through Sprint and I want it already. I had an interesting conversation (As usual ;P) with my boss today and he talked about binding desires versus non-binding desires in life. What I have right now is a binding desire. It's not like I am completely cut off from the world..I still have my phone AND laptop at my disposal, however I want to play with my new toy. Never mind I need to be working on all these things that would make life MUCH easier for me in the long run... I wanna play.

My boss-man and I have been talking about meditation a lot (he IS a pharmacist and says "Meditation works better than medication...") Within 5 minutes of me standing next to him he noticed that I was wheezing... one thing led to another, and basically I don't breathe and I get hyped up. I stress out. I need to relax. So! Meditation is whats on my list of things to do. I don't overtly stress out, however this explains why 3 chiropractors- including a part-time body-builder military Drill Instructor- couldn't for the life of them crack my back. They said I was simply too tense. So for now: Breathe.

I have a few things I need to take care of... But why is it that I can only concentrate on ONE thing and get only that accomplished? At work I'm a master-multi-tasker... However once I get done work and my life needs me, I get paralyzed... I become a bonafide moron. Hmm...

I want all these things and time just seems like the biggest bitch right now- I want school to start- I have to wait till Sept. I want to move down south- I have to wail till June 21st. I want to start Rx School- I have to wait for 2 yrs. I want my DL, I have to wait till July for it. I want my car, I have to wait for the flippin place to fix it. I want my phone- I have to wait (PATIENTLY) for it to arrive in the mail. BLLLAAAHHH! If time were physical, I'd be fightin it right now.

Much more to come....but for now, gotta shower! =) toodles!

What goes around comes around...

I have been thinking a lot about acts in general lately. The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny: Karma. There are so many things that tie into this simple and exhausted word. Non-believers of Buddhism also have embraced this ideology. It has, in a way, put fear in some people to do right. Not because one has ethics (God forbid anyone have any ethics these days) or because one likes to do the right thing (what's that?!) It's because of Karma.

This brings me to a few questions. Why does it seem that Karma hits just a few people? There are two kinds of people: people who tend to get fucked over all the time, things just never go right with them no matter how hard they try; sometimes even after they have paid their dues, Karma just seems to show its ugly face over and over. Then you have people who go their whole lives being cocky, cheating, lying, doing every possible thing one should not do and they tend to sail through life. Every day is like a day at the beach. Why is it that Karma doesn't turn its head to them? Why is it just picking on a selected few? Sure, people always say "Oh, their turn will come!" but c'mon- you know as well as I do, that doesn't happen. Not in my lifetime at least. This makes some people go through their life with the motto of "You get yours and I'll get mine." And is it me, or does it seem like selfish people get what they want when they want and never have to deal with my tumor twin aka Karma?

For the believers, a deeper question: Where does God tie in? If Karma avenges all, and if you pay your debts on earth, what does God do? Just sit and watch all the fun? Does s/he 'control' who and what Karma hits? And if all is avenged on earth, why do we even need a God or a heaven for that matter?