I write in fear...I write nonetheless...

In fear that... my nursing school friends are gonna kill me for spending time doing things OTHER than school related assignments
In fear that... ya'll might see a different side of me (yeah not one of the wild shrew poems lol)
In fear that...my sister is going ot jump to conclusions (haha looovetthhh ya!)

But ...enough with the disclaimers and confessions... here is one I just wrote ..raw..not revised (and I refuse to) ... so do read, comment and lemme quote Erykah Badu and say ...Keep in mind I'm an artist (ok far frm it) and I'm sensitive about mah shit! ...:-D

"Us..United"

I want


...to be your sweetness- it is all that I need
...to be your queen- is all I need to be pleased
...to be your wife, your boo, your love, my life
...to be the apple of your eye- your angel in disguise

...to feel secure in your presence-
and your absence too

And I want
...you to love me forever-
sweet, sensual and wild

...to be the Goddess
that will one day carry your child

I want
...you to know that I will always respect you
and support you in all that you do

...that your struggles will be our struggles
and your achievments ours too

...that our disagreements will
always lead to love-making

..and our love-making...well....

And I want
…you to know only One
will come before you

…that no matter what
we will always be together
to make
One heart,
One love,
One family

Just Us
...United.

It is...

...that time of the year again.

Happy Birthday Ma! I miss you!

Your daughter
S

Hah! I'm not commitment phobic OR gay!

So I've realized...I only crave a relationship when I'm bored. I don't really want a relationship...I have to be honest, everytime I felt I was getting closer to someone I felt claustrophobic. I wanted to RUN as fast as I could (and I did.) I especially got that feeling if the guy actually liked me back. Not to say I like the asshole-who-treats-me-like-shit-types. I don't give those types the time of my day really. I'm talking about genuinely nice guys- who I know any girl would be lucky to be with. (Except for me, of course haha)
For the longest time I felt like it was a sign that I was meant to be single, or my soulmate just did not exist or as my friends always said....I was "afraid of commitment." Today, in the midst of my cleaning frenzy, I realized: I just like cuddling. I mean, I do want the closeness with someone- physically, mentally and emotionally- but at this point in my life, I don't want to be "tied down." I guess that's why I run away from 'potentials' because I know I'd only end up hurting them because I don't want 'more.' (And face it, when you're really feelin' a girl... what guy wants to be the 'emotional booty call' guy without getting anything else in return?)
I'm also afraid of getting into the relationship rut. Even if it is a good relationship. Why must I feel the need to spend time with someone when it's not really convenient? (Yeah, I'm talking about being really busy but having to call/txt/see the person even if it is for 5 minutes...or even just giving them status updates just to let 'em know you didn't forget about them or them about me. If there isn't something substantial to talk about- don't call me- unless of course we're both free and both bored.) I think that's why most of my 'good' relationships have been the long distance ones. I still feel the closeness, except I don't feel the need to constantly check in with or visit the person.
On the flip side, I don't just want a fuckbuddy either. I don't want anything physical necessarily . I guess...I just want a really REALLY close friend who I know won't hold me back from doing me. (And why does this friend have to be a guy? Cuz I like cuddling with men. haha!)
I know it's very uncharacteristic of me but I'm petrified of finding a dude up here then having to break up anyway because I want to move to the south and he does not (And I am moving to the south.) I know I will be happiest in a warm weather state. I know it will change my life for the better simply because the sun makes me happy. I know so many females who would LOVE to move to a warm state, but cannot do so because of relationships/significant others. And throughout the winter they complain and bitch n moan about the snow and cold... I guess "true love" doesn't keep ya warm at all times, huh? ;) haha. The way I see it...an individual has all these dreams and aspirations and this 'ideal future' planned. Then they get distracted by a male/female and then the next thing you know you're settling for a state you barely like, in a job you barely like, in a house you barely like and then you realize...you're with a person you barely like (hah Ok, maybe not the last part) I know I know..I'm going to get so much crap for this post.. but its true!! Don't come to me with some crap about "oh but true love...will conquor all...will make you love the life you're living.. etc etc" What about the life you imagined for yourself before outside influence?? or "when you're with that special someone nothing else matters..." lemme tell ya... it don't matter who I'm with...when I'm cold, I'm a bitch. ;-)

Questions that fload around...

What makes a person stay in a relationship that is clearly not healthy? Yes, in some cases people don't really know any better (whether they were conditioned to think thats how a relationship should be... or be it they don't realize where their relationship is heading until it's too late.) But what about the relationships that are so far gone that it is apparent to everyone -including the 2 participating in the relationship?

Being a woman, and having several failed relationships myself, I know why a person would walk away. A few of my girlfriends were in relationships that were abusive- emotionally and mentally. Going into specifics, I have 2 girlfriends who, when I was going through my bad relationship with (lets call him T), went through their own bad relationships. We shared our joys, our tears, and our laughters. We cried, consoled and helped each other through the trying times. The only difference was that I walked away from my bad relationship (and stayed away) and they broke-up and then made-up within a weeks span. They chose to stay. Agreed, each relationship is different. Agreed, I didn't "love" T but at the time thought I did love him. However, the things all of us went through were so painfully similar, it was what actually bonded us together.

I often wonder why these girls stayed in their relationships. When I asked them I got matter-of-fact responses- "I love him that's why." "Sometimes you have to work things out." "We've been so long together, it was only natural." Sometimes I wonder if these girls had actually given themselves enough time to get over these guys would they have actually moved on? Would they be happier?

Maybe I just need to let go of grudges, but after seeing the good, the bad and the ugly, (and the ugly triumphed over the good... trust) I had to leave. One is married now, the other still in a tumultuous relationship and I'm still single. Is my tolerance just that low? Am I going to be that person who refuses to take anyones crap therefore end up being the crazy old cat lady? Or is it that some people need that constant comfort of companionship? Or maybe the luxury of combined income? When they look back at their relationships, do they remember the bad parts? Do the bad streaks still come up between them? Or do they only remember the good parts? Does one hold that grudge of the bitter past? Does one forgive and forget? I wonder if either party thinks they could've done better. Are there any regrets?

Or maybe people are so used to lying to themselves, they've started believing their own lies.

Is it that the older one gets, the less likely it is that they will leave their spouse? If so, is it just because they are scared they won't find someone else? What is so scary about being single? Other than the extra support and the cushion for ones fall, why is a significant other so important?Yes, it is nice to come home to someone...to know that someone loves you unconditionally (even if you're lying to yourself... ) Yes it is nice to know theres a warm body who'll keep you warm through those cold nights. But since when did the niceties become such a great big priority? TV ads, movies, cards, the holidays- everything places such importance on relationships it is almost a taboo if you don't have a significant other. What is one to do during the holidays without someone to call his/her own :( oh why oh why! The tragedy!

Anyhow, getting back to the point- doesn't dealing with the source of the stress make more sense than dealing with the anxiety on a day-to-day basis? What's the point of having a stressful relationship that seems to bleed into the rest of your life? What's the point of continuing to subject yourself to harm - to emotional rape- just so you have that comfort of ...oh wait- there is nothing comforting about such relationships. I promise, living a stress-free-single-life is not that bad. Promise.

Giving it up

My girl T and I were having a conversation about how our once tight knit group has dissolved into a vague reminiscence of drunken nights and clammy mornings. While some friends followed their career tangents, some just simply disappeared because they now have a significant other in their lives.
Now, I am just as guilty as them -I am by no means rebuking them of their choice. However, it brings me to question- at what point does one lose their own sense of identity in order to be a part of a relationship? More importantly, why does one lose their sense of identity? It seems like being a part of a (great or ..usually...otherwise) relationship mean that you have to lose yourself, your interests, your being.
Again, I have done this myself, but in the long run it didn't work out. In fact, it made me despise him for slowly stripping me of my own. I grasp the concept of a relationship and I also understand that when you love someone- however provisional or absolute it may be- you want to spend as much time with your significant other. However, where is the balance of keeping your life- your individuality- your persona and still interconnect with your 'main squeeze'? Would you consider giving up things you once loved- the things you chose to do- as a price you have to pay in order to be in a relationship?
Part of me strongly believes that giving up your identity and your interests- giving up a part of YOU- helps a relationship deteriorate quicker than its time. Sure, there are strong urges of spending as much time as you can with your 'sweetie' and all of a sudden the temptaion of creating drunken havoc isn't as enticing as it once used to be. But, it inevitably is like being a kid in a candy shop. You want ALL you can- until you get what you asked for. And then you get sick. And you can't stand the sight of what you once thought you could never have enough of. Thats when the sweetest thing becomes sour. When the cutest gestures become irritating. When cuddly becomes clingy and loving becomes loathsome.
My personal stance- in a good relationship neither you nor your significant other would have to sacrifice yourself, but you would enhance each other in every way possible. I wouldn't have to "give up" friends or nights out with loved ones to a point where people think I've fallen off the planet. And I wouldn't have to "reconnect" with all my friends simply because I now have someone in my life. There is a difference between 'putting her/him first' and having a choice that only encompasses him/her.
I realize that when you love a person or when you accept a person into your life, you're not just accepting that person- you're accepting a whole another lifestyle. You fell for this person when s/he went out 6 nights a week or played basketball 7 days a week or played poker 5 days a month- you fell for this person when s/he had other agendas than to please you. So why try to change it? Now, I know they aren't the best example but in a way I guess Janet and JD are leading an exemplary relationship- JD went to strip clubs before he met Janet...and he still does. I guess when BOTH parties know the line- and don't cross it, you can maintain your identity and still remain the person s/he once fell in love with. And that inturn helps continue to WOW the other person everyday even 15 years down the line. ...any takes?

And I Wonder ....

Inspired by my friend Lace who wrote to her father....I write to my mother

I know heaven is real for my mother watches over me daily. I know God is real for He has never let me down. I cannot prove His existence to a cynic nor can I give solid proof that doesn't completely coordinate to a cause-and-effect pattern the world runs on. I cannot touch Him but I can feel His presence. I cannot converse with him like I do with friends, but I know He always listens. I may not always be confident in His plan for me, but I can tell you this- in the end, I'm always taken care of. Through my friends, my family and invariably, through Him. He is a vengeful God. He is an ever loving God. He knows when to uplift my spirit and when I need to be guided because I have strayed. I never doubted Him ever since I accepted Him.

I know my mother is in a better place, and she is present in my daily life. She is now more than ever closer to me even though I can't lie in her lap and cry my woes away. I know she is more in tune with my feelings, with my soul and she understands. She doesn't scold, she doesn't judge- she just listens.

While my faith is stronger than ever, in my quest for more, I still sometimes wonder. I am regretful that I cannot do what she has done and continues to do for me to this day. I wish I could listen to what she has to say. I wonder if she would confide in me and I wonder if she would say that she regrets taking away something so precious. I wonder if she could, would she try one last time to reach out to me. This time I would not turn her away. I wonder how much her life would have changed had she had a daughter worthy of her. I wonder if she would've been happy if S.R. was her daughter - would she have made different choices? Would she have lived a happier life? I wonder sometimes, if she really CAN listen to me. I do hope and I pray that she can, for I have a lot to say. For I have a lot to make up for. For I have a lot of tears I caused myself and I have a lot of tears to take away from her because she has a lot of tears I have caused her.

I wonder, ma, if you can listen to me, if you can see me. I wonder ma, if you and amm-amma are together and if you wished we could bond more. I wonder if you are with all the women of our family wishing your descendants took more interest in our family history. For today, I only know the name of my Grandmother. For today, I only know about the itty bitty parts of stories you would start to tell us, before we got bored and cut you off. Or cringed because we would miss our TV sitcom that was going to start in the next 5 minutes. I wonder if you could, would you? I wonder if you wished your daughters would take the time to know you- to know our gramma and great gramma..and inevitably, know ourselves? Do you regret going away? Do you regret not wanting to stay? Do you regret not saying bye? Or would you do it all over again? Do you finally see my intentions? Do you finally see how much we need you?

I hope and pray you are happy. On your terms. I hope and pray you have everything you ever wished for. I pray heaven is just as great as everyone has said it to be. Because you deserve it.

While I sit here today, in my room (that you would most probably ask me to clean) wondering and questioning ...with a hint of doubt, something in me tells me you can listen. Something in me tells me you are here. Forever, with me. Living in me through Him. Something in me tells me this is what you would say to me:
Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow: I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumns rain. When you awaken in morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die.

(Before you send me messages telling me that I am a worthy daughter, that she is proud of me, be aware, that I know she is proud of certain aspects of me, but I also know what a worthy daughter is for I have recently seen her, and I, my loves, am no where close to it. Not for a long LONG time. Not toward the end not anywhere in the middle. I am aware of this and nothing anyone can say ...can convince me any different.. for only my mother and I know the nature of our relationship.)

---------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that one finds peace in the most difficult of situations? Why does clarity hit you in the midst of chaos and hurt? Why does one ultimately find more about love, friendship, stability, thickness of relationships- all in the lowest of times? Why is it that sometimes listening to songs stimulates you and sometimes the same song crowds your mind so much you feel suffocated and handcuffed to thoughts?

Love is

"The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday."
-Baz

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I like the Sunscreen song... mostly because I know every word it holds is ...so true. So I was thinking about this part of the lyrics. And I'd always thought that maybe I just won't be able to have kids... but see, that problem is one too easy to solve. (Adoption.) So I thought what if I don't succeed in life? That ball kept rolling around in the tiny little mind of mine... would my 'real' problem in life be something that I could avoid? Something that is in my control? It would seem (logically) avoidable. So I thought what else could go wrong? (Death, according to me, is the least of anyones problems) Maybe I won't find love? Or maybe I do find it, but fail to recognize it until its way too late? I've always said "don't love the way YOU want to be loved...love the way the person you love loves.." I don't know if I read that somewhere when I was really little or if it's an innate value that I've always had...maybe that's what I learned in my past life that stuck with me in this one. Maybe I won't find a love that would love in the ways that I recognize? What if that's already happened? But I haven't loved yet ...I know this because I don't know what 'love' is. Yes, I have performed dutifully as a girlfriend. Above and beyond. But is that all love is? Performing ones duty; loyalty? I think not. It HAS to be something larger than life.

oye vey. This little head of mine...


Then I cut my thoughts shortly afterward because the more thought I put into it, the more I started convincing myself that this IS what my problem is going to be (heh OCD, you can say... I thought what if I DO find love but I fawk it up by all my thinking and convincing that I won't..what if THAT is the REAL problem?... hahaa) so you see, I am very close to driving myself insane :-P





"Would you come after me
if I was upset
Would you try to win me back?
Or would you go after another snatch?
Wait I think you already answered that." *



*Again, no not in relation to anyone...just came to me, so I jotted it down :-p

6th of the month

Dear Mrs. M. Miller
I've never met you, but I feel like I know you. For almost 5 years, we got your call at our pharmacy like clock work. Every 6th of the month: Can I speak with the Pharmacist please!.... in a voice that I always mocked to resemble Towelie from South Park. It wasn't meant to be insulting, in fact endearing because I could hear the innocence in your voice. I heard determination of a strong woman who lived by herself for all these years but never once asked for favors. You lived a life most of us only wished we could. A life of honesty, love and respect. Most of all, you were successful. Your kids moved away, eventually withered away before you ever did, yet you moved on and carried on like a strong oxen that you are. You took no crap from anyone and even the hoodlums respected you. You stood tall at almost a good 4' nothin. Your friends left you eventually and the only interaction you had with this world so crowded with human beings- was when you called for your meds.
We never spoke more than "Did you need your refills, Mrs Miller?" but there was always an understanding that all was right in the world because of that one phone call. There was an unspoken bond that distinguished our relationship from any other customer. Your grace and dignity is what I most love about you. A little old black woman with the heart of a tigress about to conquer the world. You had the heart of a Spartan and the love of a mother. You cannot imagine when I heard about your physical death- all alone in your apartment and no one knew how long you were gone. I have learned so much from you in our little interaction every 6th of the month. You will always be alive in our hearts and your soul shines brightly among people you never even knew loved you. Every 6th of the month, we miss that phone call that put a smile on our faces no matter how busy we were.

To be 27

With all this bitchin' I've been doing about how time passes by so slowly, I've realized I'll be 27 in less than a month. Every year on my birthday I ask myself "What have you accomplished in your (fill in age here) years on this planet?" It is of course a much deeper question- how have you impacted anyone on this earth? How have you made the world a better place to live in? etc etc. I haven't fulfilled any of my goals yet. I haven't even started. I know for the next six years of my life all but one of these goals will be put on hold. (I want to get my Doctorate in Pharmacy, which will take up the next 6 years of my life.) What's left?

I still have the streets of Africa to wander through. I still have to volunteer my time in Sudan. Adopt an African baby (btw, NO this isn't inspired by 'Brangelina' or the likes- ever since I was a baby, I'd tell my mom that one day, I'd adopt an African kid.) The boat in the Amazon River awaits me to come start paddling my way into its beauty, danger, raw- LIFE! My book that will change the way the world- more importantly immigrants- see Black America, still longs for me to pick up my pen and start writing the rough past that still defines America today. I want to learn to dance away nights and days. I want to engage every limb of my body into itself and into something much more grander than itself. My book of poem awaits me to get inspired- to be able to eloquently put down my thoughts into words. I want to explore Colombia, Brazil, Mexico...cultures so beautiful it radiates through the people who truly represent what they stand for. I want to touch lives of people- not preach to the choir, mind you- I want to be the bridge that brings people together- that helps people understand each other, come closer together, be a part of something as tiny as the human race.

As I sit here and re-read this list of things I ache to do, I have to remind myself: One day at a time! Time will one day be on my side. Till then, I'll just have to work hard to be able to afford to do so!

Marriage

In Bride and Prejudice, the main character ‘Lalita’ (a traditional Indian girl who loves her country and culture) defends the concept of arranged marriage by pointing out that the divorce rate in the western culture is twice as bad. Since then I have heard the same “justification” for the same concept used as a rebuttal. Rethinking this, however, no one questions the measure of happiness in these kept marriages versus the measure of happiness in the broken marriage of the west. Having lived in a culture where arranged marriages prevailed, I have yet to see a truly happy marriage. Living in a culture where utopia is sought I have yet to see a truly happy marriage as well, but I have also seen the measure of happiness slowly but steadily rise in individuals. The sense of accomplishment, sense of self, self-esteem, pride and the overall measure of contentment in these singles is much higher than those in bound marriages.

Relationships (usually) tend to have a dependent and a supporter (the bread winner.) There is one party that needs or wants the other more than the second party- a soft and a strong, a meek and a powerful, a giver and a receiver. Marriages lasted longer in our grandparent’s era and before the woman’s rights movement not because men and women loved their spouses, but because each had a defined role. Each gender stuck to that role and being that there was always one (typically the female) who needed assurance of survival and comfort, that person would give into the opinions and wants of the other (usually the male.) Sure, one can choose to continue a marriage that is dead, depressed, heart broken, and longing and lonely and downright miserable and be miserable for the rest of their lives, and mourn the 25-50-75 year anniversary instead of celebrate it, but is that what humans- the evolution kings and queens -the ruler of this planet - are after?

A lot of times in these arranged marriages, the woman doesn't even know she has the option to leave the marriage or is so worried about what the world is going to think of her- financially broke- a female- a divorcee- that she continues to live in the marriage. Thus I rest my case about arranged marriages lasting longer than "love marriages" (Side note: The whole concept of a "Love marriage" even existing boggles my mind. Shouldn't there be LOVE in a MARRIAGE to begin with? Isn't that redundant?..apparently not to some people)

I have seen a lot of families go through life without ever knowing what it is like to be truly happy- to be happy on YOUR terms not your parents terms, not the cultures term, not the medias term and definitely not in societal terms. To be happy for yourself -to enjoy life and not get caught up living, stressing and grieving it.Americans have a concept of utopia and we refuse to accept and settle for any less. We have come to a point where people are learning to be independent regardless of gender. Breaking roles may be uncomfortable but it is educational. It is building ones self up to get to the next level- to utilize the ability and potential of a human being-is what we can do to celebrate life itself.

However, this concept is not a factor in these statistics.

So please forgive me while I laugh at the naïve little girl who tries to console herself by point out that "fact" and devoicing the very notion of human feelings and emotions by simply stating statistics, instead of standing up and taking her God-given- heck even LAW given rights as a woman.

An Overdue Ode

“Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.” –Baz

Ever get the feeling like you are stuck in the desert- you’re mouth is parched dry and you can taste dust and tiny sand particles that you cannot manage to spit out because its so thick in the air that there’s no escaping it? Look out for miles and miles and all you see is sand dunes. Climb one hill only to come up top it and see the millions of hills that laugh at your sinking aspirations. Then, just as the mixture of fatigue and desperation sets in and you’re about to relinquish all hope of survival, an angelic glow revives your soul.

I was once told that I should consider myself lucky if I ever have even one true friend. About three years ago I realized I just met my own 'angelic glow.' After alienating myself from the rest of the world for about two years, I found myself lonely, sad, with nothing to call my own. It felt very empty - much like being in that never-ending desert. Then, almost on cue- like she knew all along-even after two years of estrangement… Natasha called me. I’ve been friends with Tash for almost 6 years now and while we’ve had our minor contentions, it is inarguable that she is a true friend.

Tash has seen me through the worst of my life and at my happiest yet. Tash, I’ve seen you grow from that excited, apprehensive freshman- ready to take on college, through the RU screw, RU pride, boys, men, hurtful acquaintances and lovable ones- and you’ve handled every challenge thrown at you with the utmost grace and conviction. We’ve seen each other through our carefree youth as freshmen and sophomores, through the uncomfortable circumstances brought through break-ups among friends, through break-ups and make-ups (God knows the amount of make-ups! Haha) and through the hard times we’re going through right now. Even through this, you’ve managed to put your problems aside just to listen to mine. You know when I just need a ear and when I need a kick in my ass to get me going and when I need a hug. You have never passed judgment on me and despite what I’ve thought of you and the times I have judged you, you stayed my friend with arms wide open- just in case I needed a hug. You've been ever supportive of all my decisions- even the ones you didn't agree with. Through these years, you’ve been my ear, my shoulder, my arms, my heart and my head. You’ve taken care of me and you’ve defended me. And while I did say “Thanks” I never really took the time out to say Thanks!

I know it seems like things are in the shitter right now and porta-potties have been better taken care of than us (Hey, I saw those pics ;) lol) But I know we both will come out gems. It has been said that diamonds are formed under conditions of extreme heat and pressure for some period of time. Big diamonds we will be!! Know that you will forever have a special place in my heart no matter where life takes us, no matter how far apart life takes us. I will work hard to bridge that gap between geography and lifestyle to be closer to you ;)