Love is

"The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday."
-Baz

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I like the Sunscreen song... mostly because I know every word it holds is ...so true. So I was thinking about this part of the lyrics. And I'd always thought that maybe I just won't be able to have kids... but see, that problem is one too easy to solve. (Adoption.) So I thought what if I don't succeed in life? That ball kept rolling around in the tiny little mind of mine... would my 'real' problem in life be something that I could avoid? Something that is in my control? It would seem (logically) avoidable. So I thought what else could go wrong? (Death, according to me, is the least of anyones problems) Maybe I won't find love? Or maybe I do find it, but fail to recognize it until its way too late? I've always said "don't love the way YOU want to be loved...love the way the person you love loves.." I don't know if I read that somewhere when I was really little or if it's an innate value that I've always had...maybe that's what I learned in my past life that stuck with me in this one. Maybe I won't find a love that would love in the ways that I recognize? What if that's already happened? But I haven't loved yet ...I know this because I don't know what 'love' is. Yes, I have performed dutifully as a girlfriend. Above and beyond. But is that all love is? Performing ones duty; loyalty? I think not. It HAS to be something larger than life.

oye vey. This little head of mine...


Then I cut my thoughts shortly afterward because the more thought I put into it, the more I started convincing myself that this IS what my problem is going to be (heh OCD, you can say... I thought what if I DO find love but I fawk it up by all my thinking and convincing that I won't..what if THAT is the REAL problem?... hahaa) so you see, I am very close to driving myself insane :-P





"Would you come after me
if I was upset
Would you try to win me back?
Or would you go after another snatch?
Wait I think you already answered that." *



*Again, no not in relation to anyone...just came to me, so I jotted it down :-p

She beat me to it....

She described me before I could even think of it....

"I am a moody woman
my temper black as my brows
as sharp as my nails
as impartial as a flood
that is seeking, seeking, seeking
always
somewhere to stop...."

-Alice Walker

my familiarity with the unfamiliars...

I want a lot of things most girls, I think, want. But when I take a look around me and I look at these 'girls'- my peers I feel like not too many are actually going for what they *really* want. I see settlement. I see mediocrities. I see mundane faces going about their lives because theres the dream world, and then theres the real world.
No matter what I do in life- school, love, family- I am constantly searching for more. Constantly looking- sometimes for what- I don't know- but the search never seems to end. But I know that there has to be more! That every being, every action, every cessation has layers. These layers need to be peeled. Most of this search is that of my own being. I sit back and wonder if my mother and my grandmother and her mother ever got somewhere with their self searching. We never really talked much about our 'selves' our 'souls' our 'beings'- instead we just went day after day existing not living. In the rush to keep up with ...(who knows who!).. we did just that- existed. This is not to say that the females in my family never touched other lives or that no one really learned anything from them- that would be contradictory to the truth... but I digress... I read somewhere that we "are our grandmothers..." just with more things added in our life to be more efficient. I wonder how true that is... and how much of self searching...and self discovery my grams did!

This constant want...this constant search of things within ...keeps me up till 2.44 am ....

That friend

So lately I've been thinking about 'that friend'...you know- everyone has one...even that friend has a that friend... the one you can NOT stand at all...the one who you're embarrassed of-the one who can and will say the wrong things at the wrong time and comes out looking like a complete ass in the process (and you look like a complete ass by association) -your dirty little secret- you bitch about him/ her complain and dread every second that you have to spend with him/her- but you keep him/her around anyways... but when someone asks you "Well then why are you friends with him/her?" you have no answer to. I'm sure I, myself, am that friend to someone... but I always wonder why people keep em around... Is it self-validation? Is it apathy? Is it lack of a spine? Or the need for drama? Or is it just because you'd rather not deal with the drama that would come with cutting off all ties (the tears ..oh the tears!)

I was confronted today by such a situation, where I could just say what needs to be said to save a non-existing friendship OR I could just cut off all ties . I chose the latter. My friends who knew about it joked and once again, called me the untamed, wild shrew (I'm insensitive) The way I see it- It doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me an honest one.

Feeding my inner geek.

I spend WAY too much on stationary. What shoes do to normal girls, stationary does to me. I know I have... notebooks, for example... "but these are blue lined ones!" This seriously needs to stop.... what a shame it would be if I went into debt because of stationary.... aye!

Sometimes

..I wish I could just have one person I could count on. However, the bitter fact of life, is that no matter what, I need to plan my life for myself. Not for anyone else- just me. Love withers away, or maybe it wasn't real to begin with; Friendships are there, but it has it's own life, away from mine. Each time I try to factor in someone else to share this life with, I am reminded that the only person I can count on to stay putt forever- is me. While the nice things like stability, love and independence seem like a distant future, I have to concentrate on the NOW. And I have to assume that this distant future is a very big "maybe" conditioned by the accordance that I be selfish and take only my ambition and goals into the formula. Another bitter lesson of life: In order to be selfless, you have to be selfish first.

30 things to do before 30 :)

1) Get into Rx/Nursing school - Graduated :)
2) See the Broadway Musical: The Color Purple-unfortunately I haven't been able to do this! :(
3) Have at least ONE spa day where I spoil myself :)
4) Get cornrows done at least once more- entered into the professional world and now have to wait till I go on vaca! LLOL
5) Move out of N.J. - In Nashville, TN as I type this! :)
6) Have a couple Gs in savings for a rainy day (more like for a day that I need to buy my books!)- Brand new medical professional here, so close to this goal.
7) Find out what metal exactly in cheap jewelry I am allergic to! :-P
8) Get my D.L
9) Throw away the extras- the frills- ...de-clutter! hmm maybe a yard sale? :-D (done done n DONE! =D)
10) Get my 4.0... got it for the fall 07 semester! w00t! ;-)
11) Visit Thomas Jefferson Unv.
12) Visit Temple Unv. as well!
13) Start AfricAid at my college and my goal is to donate at least $1000.00 worth of books, stationary etc to the children in need :) Unfortunately I have not been able to do this. However, I have volutneered with disaster relief as an RN :)
14) Make the Deans list every semester! semester 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 done done done!=D
15) Get Published in "Rewrites Literary and Art Magazine" Could not do this- procrastination got the best of me and I am now an alumni. Hmm must look into if Alum's can still get published :)
16) Make more poetry! (since this is a constant on going thing that I hope will continue well after I turn 30, I shall italicize it. Please look for Poetry Tags to read)
17) Volunteer just a couple hours even if its in a month (it makes a difference!) (so far, so good!)
18) Research APNs like Med asked me to!
19) Curb my stationary happy spending habits!! (This is gonna be a tough one lol) I can say I have successfully achieved this because I went to staples and walked out empty handed! :-O)
20) At least be on a good start to healthy-ing up my knees ankles and calves!- Thank you, S for the tip!! =-D
21) Stop grinding my teeth when stressed.- this has kind of been accomplished. I do still grind my teeth when deep in thought :(
22) Start looking a little more presentable (WOOHOO!! Talk about finally gettin it outta the way!)
23) Get "Firm"- ongoing process
24) Research dance and boxing lessons-
25) Learn to relax and de-stress! update: 8/20/2009 I am ashamed to say, this hasn't happened yet. (ongoing still!)
26) Listen to my conscience and not be a fool :-P (extremely proud to say I have done well with this one!!)
27) Learn to speak (and write) eloquently! ongoing!!! (note to self, don't include things that are going to be ongoing in next to do list LOL)
28) Get contacts! (re-thinking this one. I have grown to like my glasses that put me in evil shrew mode :-P)
29) Get a better grip on my finances! (MORE than half way there!)
30) Turn 30 with grace ;) Grace...not sure if that will ever be my middle name :-P


As I accomplish each number, I'll italicize it so we know how close I am :-D