A cynical look at the aftermath

Has anyone else noticed how as the nature of ones relationship changes its course, the attitude of the person changes as well? I'm not talking about victimization in intimate relationships-I'm talking about a couple mutually agreeing and parting ways and in that quick second that the decision of separation is made final- everything changes. These changes are not partial to one side either. Majority of the times, both parties are guilty of similar actions. All of a sudden, the person that once captured your heart- the only person in this whole wide world that could make you laugh through the saddest of times- is out for blood. Ok, I'm exaggerating (well, sometimes this does hold true) but did you ever notice the change in an ex's demeanor toward you?

I do understand that with the change in the name of your relationship, it is no longer his/her job to do certain things- but ever notice how quickly one can stop caring about the person they were, at one point, the most intimate with? What does that say? Was everything just fake? Now that you're not gettin' any, you automatically no longer have to care? So does that mean... you only cared because you were gettin' some?

What is even more confusing is the subtle changes that can be noticed just in the way one talks or interacts with his/her ex significant other- sometimes the tolerance is lowered to that of dealing with a total stranger or an imbecile even sometimes. Or when there is blatant disregard of the other's feelings. All this tells me is that... a) either their love was conditional or b) involved people were deceitful in sharing their true personality...
Maybe I am being too naive or optimistic (imagine that!) in thinking that the feelings of the other person ought to be considered. The very least, it will show character!
Either ways the remedy may be quiet as simple or complex as a person wants it to be, no?

Re: Sudan

Just plain because they are women
they are left to die
they have no last names tying them
to Bor or Nuer

But are still left there...to die

So don't sit there
drinking your ice cold Budweiser
Tellin me "They are
ignorant and therefore die."

Because if that was the
case neither you
nor your mother should be
alive.


c 2008 S. G.

Broken Wings

I am a good idea

                       a good intention

I am todays trash
                       your yesterdays gold
Broken wings
                with pieces missing
-------------------------------------------------------

While you were busy
loving me
I was busy
hating me

-------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday

I cried and cried

        and I had no reason why
Then I realized

               it was your birthday

Education

I have been a witness (not a victim, mind you) to what happens when ones basic and primary rights are snatched away. I know how the story ends when you are born and bought up to believe that you are inferior; that just because you were born without a dick, your education, your happiness, your life and your needs come secondary to that of your brothers. As a minority I have witnessed racism (and everyone is so shy to give it a name in fear of being labeled “uppity.”) I have heard snickers of uncaused white boys in the back row of a class when a black female talked about her life experiences as a young lesbian. My self-education started only after I left a four year University that severely failed in providing me with a proper, unbiased education. I have wept after realizing the history of America that I read in my high school text books- was just a story; a fiction knitted by someone who deemed himself patriotic. Omission, twists of the truth and blatant lies guised as the legitimacy fabricates a story that teachers themselves swallow then feed the children the same bullshit they digested in their quest of being a good student. As a naïve, untainted teenager I thought “Education is a wonderful thing. Education will light up this world and bring forth liberty and justice for all.” Yes, It was the omission of education that kept and still keeps Black America down today. It is the lack of education that still keeps Jamaica predominantly homophobic today. It is the lack of education that still lets India sell her young into arranged marriages while the legal system looks the other way. Education: the fabric of our life.

As a child my mother always encouraged me to seek higher education so I could become rich and have my own money. Having my own money would mean security of life. She would reiterate that having money would give me financial freedom, which in turn would give me emotional freedom, which in turn would give me the freedom of choice. The freedom to leave (an unhappy home) when I want to, the freedom to live (a life I choose) the way I want to, the freedom to fuck (whoever my little heart desires) how I want to and the freedom (and power) to walk away. But is this where the role of education ends? People have stopped wanting to go to school for an education. Here is a generation that looks at education as a means to an end. Why is it that children of artists and song writers and rappers and athletes do not aggressively pursue an education that is as available to them as a prostitute available to a hundred dollar bill? (In many ways, education is a prostitute that only serves the rich) What about life lessons? What about being able to get away from the opinions and views of only your parents and venturing out to gain the opinions and life takes from other venues? MONEY has blind sighted us from the other benefits of an education. Unfortunately, we now stop pursuing an education once we are financially stable (or happy with where we are.) Growth must come from within and must be constant. The want and need for knowledge does not end with financial security. Every aspect of our life is influenced by education. Knowing and not knowing makes the difference
In life and death.
In war and peace.
In loving and hating.
In arrogance and ignorance.

Education: it is The fabric of our life.

By yours truly

This silly wifery
sittin' pretty with her canary
while her husbands out
continuing his fuckery.

----------------------------------------------------------

A Few Good Men
It isn't that
there aren't any good men remainin', darlin'
They are everywhere:
taking a walk in the park
shopping in the mall (yes, the same mall you buy your clothes from ,uh huh, believe that)
at church
in your
English Lit. class
at your local coffee shop

He may not wear
the finest clothes
or drive
the flashiest cars
He may not be able to turn your head
but he sho' gots your back

My problem, darlin'
is that there are WAAAYYYY too many good men
to pick only one from...

Ain't it funny

...how things work out? He sure does take good care of me! I have recently been in a 'funk' and this 'funk' has lasted all semester. I have managed to pull through though. Still maintaining my 4.0 - just not actually earning the 4.0. I'm just 'gettin by' by putting in enough to get a 90+ and not aiming for that 100. Anyhow, so this week was especially bad. I had a major Anatomy and Physiology exam and- I slacked. So much so that I didn't even bother listening to the lectures or reading the whole chapter. It ain't that hard to do- but alas, I didn't.

I went to school half trying to suppress the anxiety and trying my level best to not freak out last minute by telling myself "Let's just see how this goes..." (yea right!) My friend K calls me up and says "Hey Shirlz! Class is canceled!! Class is canceled!! Exam isn't until next Tuesday!!!!" (yes, K was so excited that all those exclamation points are necessary in capturing all that enthu :-P) I immediately did a tiny little victory dance in the library after which the Librarian told me to quiet down. I thanked God for yet another salvation and promised to stud stud study my butt off for this exam ;) so far, so good =D

I love you God!! =D *hugs n kisses*

Questions that fload around...

What makes a person stay in a relationship that is clearly not healthy? Yes, in some cases people don't really know any better (whether they were conditioned to think thats how a relationship should be... or be it they don't realize where their relationship is heading until it's too late.) But what about the relationships that are so far gone that it is apparent to everyone -including the 2 participating in the relationship?

Being a woman, and having several failed relationships myself, I know why a person would walk away. A few of my girlfriends were in relationships that were abusive- emotionally and mentally. Going into specifics, I have 2 girlfriends who, when I was going through my bad relationship with (lets call him T), went through their own bad relationships. We shared our joys, our tears, and our laughters. We cried, consoled and helped each other through the trying times. The only difference was that I walked away from my bad relationship (and stayed away) and they broke-up and then made-up within a weeks span. They chose to stay. Agreed, each relationship is different. Agreed, I didn't "love" T but at the time thought I did love him. However, the things all of us went through were so painfully similar, it was what actually bonded us together.

I often wonder why these girls stayed in their relationships. When I asked them I got matter-of-fact responses- "I love him that's why." "Sometimes you have to work things out." "We've been so long together, it was only natural." Sometimes I wonder if these girls had actually given themselves enough time to get over these guys would they have actually moved on? Would they be happier?

Maybe I just need to let go of grudges, but after seeing the good, the bad and the ugly, (and the ugly triumphed over the good... trust) I had to leave. One is married now, the other still in a tumultuous relationship and I'm still single. Is my tolerance just that low? Am I going to be that person who refuses to take anyones crap therefore end up being the crazy old cat lady? Or is it that some people need that constant comfort of companionship? Or maybe the luxury of combined income? When they look back at their relationships, do they remember the bad parts? Do the bad streaks still come up between them? Or do they only remember the good parts? Does one hold that grudge of the bitter past? Does one forgive and forget? I wonder if either party thinks they could've done better. Are there any regrets?

Or maybe people are so used to lying to themselves, they've started believing their own lies.

Is it that the older one gets, the less likely it is that they will leave their spouse? If so, is it just because they are scared they won't find someone else? What is so scary about being single? Other than the extra support and the cushion for ones fall, why is a significant other so important?Yes, it is nice to come home to someone...to know that someone loves you unconditionally (even if you're lying to yourself... ) Yes it is nice to know theres a warm body who'll keep you warm through those cold nights. But since when did the niceties become such a great big priority? TV ads, movies, cards, the holidays- everything places such importance on relationships it is almost a taboo if you don't have a significant other. What is one to do during the holidays without someone to call his/her own :( oh why oh why! The tragedy!

Anyhow, getting back to the point- doesn't dealing with the source of the stress make more sense than dealing with the anxiety on a day-to-day basis? What's the point of having a stressful relationship that seems to bleed into the rest of your life? What's the point of continuing to subject yourself to harm - to emotional rape- just so you have that comfort of ...oh wait- there is nothing comforting about such relationships. I promise, living a stress-free-single-life is not that bad. Promise.