Hah! I'm not commitment phobic OR gay!

So I've realized...I only crave a relationship when I'm bored. I don't really want a relationship...I have to be honest, everytime I felt I was getting closer to someone I felt claustrophobic. I wanted to RUN as fast as I could (and I did.) I especially got that feeling if the guy actually liked me back. Not to say I like the asshole-who-treats-me-like-shit-types. I don't give those types the time of my day really. I'm talking about genuinely nice guys- who I know any girl would be lucky to be with. (Except for me, of course haha)
For the longest time I felt like it was a sign that I was meant to be single, or my soulmate just did not exist or as my friends always said....I was "afraid of commitment." Today, in the midst of my cleaning frenzy, I realized: I just like cuddling. I mean, I do want the closeness with someone- physically, mentally and emotionally- but at this point in my life, I don't want to be "tied down." I guess that's why I run away from 'potentials' because I know I'd only end up hurting them because I don't want 'more.' (And face it, when you're really feelin' a girl... what guy wants to be the 'emotional booty call' guy without getting anything else in return?)
I'm also afraid of getting into the relationship rut. Even if it is a good relationship. Why must I feel the need to spend time with someone when it's not really convenient? (Yeah, I'm talking about being really busy but having to call/txt/see the person even if it is for 5 minutes...or even just giving them status updates just to let 'em know you didn't forget about them or them about me. If there isn't something substantial to talk about- don't call me- unless of course we're both free and both bored.) I think that's why most of my 'good' relationships have been the long distance ones. I still feel the closeness, except I don't feel the need to constantly check in with or visit the person.
On the flip side, I don't just want a fuckbuddy either. I don't want anything physical necessarily . I guess...I just want a really REALLY close friend who I know won't hold me back from doing me. (And why does this friend have to be a guy? Cuz I like cuddling with men. haha!)
I know it's very uncharacteristic of me but I'm petrified of finding a dude up here then having to break up anyway because I want to move to the south and he does not (And I am moving to the south.) I know I will be happiest in a warm weather state. I know it will change my life for the better simply because the sun makes me happy. I know so many females who would LOVE to move to a warm state, but cannot do so because of relationships/significant others. And throughout the winter they complain and bitch n moan about the snow and cold... I guess "true love" doesn't keep ya warm at all times, huh? ;) haha. The way I see it...an individual has all these dreams and aspirations and this 'ideal future' planned. Then they get distracted by a male/female and then the next thing you know you're settling for a state you barely like, in a job you barely like, in a house you barely like and then you realize...you're with a person you barely like (hah Ok, maybe not the last part) I know I know..I'm going to get so much crap for this post.. but its true!! Don't come to me with some crap about "oh but true love...will conquor all...will make you love the life you're living.. etc etc" What about the life you imagined for yourself before outside influence?? or "when you're with that special someone nothing else matters..." lemme tell ya... it don't matter who I'm with...when I'm cold, I'm a bitch. ;-)

Song I'm currently feeling...

"I won't see my dear friends as much

Male friends especially, I'll no longer be in touch

I'll change my hobbies to match yours

I'll stop reading my favorite books

I won't spend all this selfish time alone

I'll cater to you and hang on your every word

I'll be subservient and spineless

I'll lick your boots as empty shells

I'll be opinion less and silent

I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I'll re-define self-sacrifice

Live my life as apologetic compromise

I'll know you'd leave if I rock the boat

I'll be subservient and spineless

I'll lick your boots as empty shells

I'll be opinion less and silent

I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I feel this, truly proclaimed will help the curbing of this tendency
I know this sharing of shame will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily

I'll be low maintenance and agreeable

I will not talk about my dreams so much

I'll listen to you for hours, won't need anything

I'll be subservient and spineless

I'll lick your boots as empty shells

I'll be opinion less and silent

I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I'll be subservient and spineless

I'll lick your boots as empty shells

I'll be opinion less and silent

I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I feel this, truly proclaimed will help the curbing of this tendency

I know this sharing of shame will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily"

Alanis Morissette "Spineless"

Something...somewhere...

It's slipping ....I can feel it.
Soon
Loss
Uncontrollable
Empty

Alone


Why so scary? I wonder.

A recap

It's been a while since I've blogged...and a close friend told me that I sound so unbelievably negative on my blog, it does not capture the 'real' me at all. So, I decided to read a few of my past entries and wow... all I can say is I sound like a pessimistic, negative, cynical, bitter bitter woman. But this is just one part of me. Yes, it is a part of me, and I do stand by my work. My friend Charleston put it well...

(after reading one of my poems)
*silence*
(a good minute later)
"I thought you'd write about pretty butterflies and rainbows"

Well said. I have many "dimensions " to me, if you will. The blogs I write about are usually the things that I wonder about- things that bother me- things that I haven't yet figured out. So, please don't assume that this is ONLY what I stand for- or this is the ONLY thing that's going on in my life. Do get to know me before you judge me, will ya! :)

Why am I single?

{transported from my other blog}

So people keep asking me why I am single.
#1 Being single is not a disease.
#2 Single does not equal lonely and sad.

There are a few morals and values that I will absolutely not compromise. I have an unsatisfying need to befriend myself with others whose standards are as high as my own. I know it seems negative, but is it possible to love and respect a spouse that harbors ideals that completely turn you off? Opinions are something you can compromise and learn to respect, but I am talking about the deeper, underlying motive and drive of the person. I work with fierce intensity toward my goal-however menial it may be and I have an imperative need for some connection or fusion with another which will prove sensually fulfilling, but which will not conflict with my convictions or sense of fitness. There aren't too many men who are for Womanism. Few understand the concept. Minority rights? Animal rights? Add to it a necessity for absolute and complete loyalty along with honesty, trust and unconditional love...well, you see my problem now, don't you?

Another reason being, I refuse to settle. Just because someone is good to you doesn't mean he is good for you. When I think about it, I've been proposed to too many times and I've always declined, mainly because deep down inside, I knew that that guy wasn't for me. Don't they say, "When you're in love, you'll know"...well, I don't even know what "love" is in that case. I've learned from the past relationships, so I am in no way saying that they were a waste of time, but I do know what I am looking for and what I don't want in a relationship. It may seem like I'm asking for the world and then some, but I don't ask for a thing I couldn't offer myself.

I have also learned to never keep my mouth shut when I'm being wronged. Too many guys aren't down with that. I don't take shit from anyone, my mother taught me well. I know how I should be treated and what I deserve. Unfortunately for me, that's not a good thing. But I manage to see past these obstacles. Life has far more to offer and there are still important things to be achieved-- life must be experienced to the fullest. I am aggressive in pursuing my objectives and I tend to become deeply involved with whatever I am working on. I need someone who will be there for me at the end of the day, but will let me 'fly' and do my own thing per se. I don't believe in the "better/other half" concept either. In my opinion, 2 grown, independent, WHOLE individuals should come together to compliment each other not complete each other. Just like they say "You have to learn to love yourself first, before anyone else can love you," shouldn't you already be mature, complete, happy and satisfied with yourself before you can make someone else happy?

Untitled

I have learned to eat with my mouth
but not be the voice of hope
I have learned to watch meaningless shows with my eyes
but not be the witness that bears a soul
I have learned to click the keys on my keyboard hour after hour
but not build for others- or for myself
I have learned to cuss up a storm and recite word for word
the songs that degrade young women and I have learned
to use my hands to shove food down my throat till my
gut begged me for mercy and I have learned to
waste away my life sitting on the couch
or masturbating to porn for countless hours

Wasting away my minutes, hours, days, years, life...

Then came the need
then came the need to be involved
to be involved in something greater than
myself- the need to be
so engrossed so lost so
deep that I forgot to feed my crying belly
to be in love, to love
to love what I am involved in
to love so much that it didn't matter anymore
that both my socks didn't match or
that I forgot that I had stuck 4 pencils in my unkempt hair
in my quest to find and contribute
i forgot that I was in public and that bad habit that I have-
of scratching my head when I'm concentrating- yeah, I was doing that again
to forget all that is around me and to forget
that it is cold and it is snowing and my
little fingers can no longer hold my pen
because they are numb and I hate the cold
I HATE the cold but it didn't matter because
I am involved and so is my body
because I am in love
because I have a cause
because I am a cause
because
I am.
- S.G

Impossible w‘Oman

She know what she want w‘Oman

A take no crap w‘Oman

The “I am not your mother, your sister, your babysitter” w‘Oman

A type that wants it all w‘Oman

Never be satisfied w‘Oman

stands up for what she believes in w‘Oman

give my heart, my soul, my body, my dome, my mind, my temple for my King w‘Oman

never comes second w‘Oman

The one that got away w‘Oman

The one that will never look back w‘Oman

The “damn she’d make a man happy” w‘oman

the “she gives her all …but damn it she expects the same thing back” w‘Oman

Will not settle for any lesser than I deserve w‘Oman

Queen w‘Oman

Beautiful w‘Oman

Passionate w‘Oman

Righteous w‘Oman

Lone. w‘Oman.

- c 2008 S. G.