Fears

So, I've been away, accomplishing various things for the past few months (okay, so may be I was away for more than just a "few" months, but I'm here now :-P) and I honestly thought those accomplishments were helping me move forward. I was right- in a way. I am now a professional with real things to lose. I mean I did have things to lose back then- in terms of family and friends, however, I knew that my family and friends would never forsake me and accept me for who I am. Before, my fears consisted of never succeeding/failing, never moving forward with my life, never attaining those 'milestones' that seem to come to 'normal' humans so easily (for me, each of them was a struggle!) Now, however, I fear losing- my license to practice, my job, my future, my life... I thought I was getting a grip of being me and just as I was, just knowing that I have things to lose makes me just that much more scared. And I hate living in fear- you know? I mean who wants to constantly live in fear?! Paranoia gets the best of me you see. I have no reason to fear any of those because I am meticulous and good at what I do (not to toot my own horn :-P) and I know my future and my life are in MY own hands and no one elses. However, how does one knock off that annoying, nagging lil voice that pops up in your head every now and then?
Anyhow, so I've promised myself to be more supportive of myself and stop beating myself up if I am not the first one to 'call' a rare disease when I see something on TV/movie. Although, the feeling is SOOOOO cool when you know something that takes others a few minutes to figure out :-P
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On a completely different note, now that I have a taste of having something real to lose, I have to question- is it truly better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I mean I'm thinking about this and... ok, if you're talking about a break-up of some sorts (be it because of cheating, lying, breaking hearts etc etc) I can understand- but what about loving someone... loving them so much that you cannot bare to think about life without them, spending your entire life together, growing together, changing together, growing old together, knowing each other to the core- and then that person dies before you get a chance to croak- I am not sure if my heart could handle that. I mean I'd be depressed every. day. How can one move forward from there? How can you not breakdown and just...give up??

Now this is only from a taste of finding out about how it feels like- I cannot imagine spending an entire lifetime with that someone and then all of a sudden, one day- they are gone. This is only from experiencing a tid-bit of it and not being able to even think of life without them- I was watching UP (yes, the cartoon, shut up) and to see that old man lose his love- it was heartbreaking! So that makes me question- all that pain.. all that anguish that love brings... is it worth it?? (haha, no no there's no way I will relinquish my love and walk away, I'm just pondering....)

Thank You

I have to say I have to be the luckiest woman alive. With all the blessings that have been showered upon me by The Big Man Upstairs, I know that I just have to be! I just finished Nursing school and after two long years of torture, I have met many beautiful people. It still feels very surreal and I'm not used to this "time-to-myself" thing and was going stir crazy in the house. Anyhow, I have an agenda for this particular blog and a message to a few people:

Sara: I love you so much, monkeytoes! I really do. You have supported me and without your support (emotional and financial alike ;-D) I wouldn't have been able to even apply to nursing school, forget actually finishing and becoming a full-fledged R.N =D You've constantly put me and my needs before yours and bit your tongue (okay, not ALWAYS hahah but I am sure I needed to hear what you said the times you didn't.) You know that song from Michael Franti you love "My mama told me don't lose you...cuz the best luck I've had is you!" is SO true! It had to be a heck of a luck and blessing to have you as an older sister! Ma is so proud of you!

Patrick: Thank you for all your support as well. Again, without you, I wouldn't be able to finish. You know what you've done for me and I will never forget it either (even if you don't think I know the extent of what you've done, know that somehow, I do.) You are the best brother one could ever ask for. Even if you think my graduation dress is horrid =D I still love you!

Jerry: I'm sure I have put your patience to a test and you've passed with flying colors! haha But babe, thank you for everything! Thank you for waiting patiently night after night while I did my work and THEN talked to you on the phone. Thank you for understanding and loving me unconditionally! Thank you for listening to me explain my lectures to you- I could barely sit through them and I had to, but you didn't have to. Yet you helped! And Thank you for all the help in psych!! You have done so much for my spirituality and my soul...It would have been such a struggle without you reminding me about what's important!

Rezeda: My hunnibunnie... Where do I start? I have learned so much from you. I love how we can make faces at each other through class (if I did that to anyone else, they might've thought I'm a lil retarded LOL) I have enjoyed your company every day. I am so grateful to have you in my life- and it was a blessing to be in every clinical rotation with you. I will miss all the projects we did together... "Let's look for a squeezed heart!!" ... "YELLOW!!!"....not to mention all the infamous 'falls' you have witnessed me take! hahah I have had SO much fun with you and without you nursing school would just plain SUCK! Don't ever change my curious cat =D

Olga: My dear superwoman! You amaze me-you know that? Did I ever tell you? You are an amazing woman. I cannot imagine doing what you've done. You are one hell of a strong woman!Combine with that your wit, your intelligence and your awesome straight up attitude- what more could I ask for in a friend?! I hope one day I'll be just like you ;) I really do admire you. Finally, love, all your hard work has paid off and you deserve every good thing your heart ever desires!

Jane: Can I tell you what an impact you have had in my life?? I only got closer to you this year really, but wow, what a year!! =) Thank you for accepting me with open arms and opening your home to us as well. We've already talked about what you mean to me and what I have learned from you and how much I adore your family...Jane, you will forever be stuck in my heart ;) (does the image of you being in a jail-type-room in a big red heart come to mind? LOL) But in all seriousness, with this chapter of our lives coming to an end, I look forward to a journey with you- where ever it may lead us- I know you'll always have a special place in my heart. I love you!



I know no matter what, we are all in each others lives forever. I love you guys and I am looking forward to another exciting chapter of my life!! You guys mean the world to me. I just hope that you all know that :) MWAAHHH everyone!

Rant....

So I was watching Kathy Griffin on Comedy Central the other day... and she looked like she had lost (a lil' too much) weight recently and was *still* trying to appear smaller by wearing all black, a corset 2 sizes too small with a shirt that barely buttoned up- I mean you could tell she could barely breathe - and not to mention pants that were 3 sizes too big (and long.) Now- I know I should be the last person to talk about what someone is wearing but even a fashion-idiot like me could tell she was really trying- anyhow! So she mentions that she lost some weight and she went on to explain how she did it- "I'm hungry...I am constantly hungry! That's how I do it!!"

*pause*

Really?? Really Kathy?? Come on! It's not just her though...while flippin through the channels that same evening I heard one of the "Housewives" (err... I'm guessing Real Housewives of Orange County) say "The price of beauty is not eating."

*sigh*

It really irritates me that they even air that shit on TV. Seriously? Is this what you're telling the public? Is this the message you want to give your children? "Starve yourself - that's all!" Whats next?? We'll be takin Whitney's advice on how to roll up a blunt and lace it with coke to get the most of it??? "Oh GIRRRLLL cocaine really makes u lose weight cuz you get so FUCKED UP!! *twitch*" This bullcrap really pisses me off. This is why I've stopped watching TV. It's full of garbage and erroneous shytttt.
I have more respect for women that have and maintain muscle mass (without roids, thank you very much)- now THAT is much harder to do than to give into a sickness or worse- TRAIN yourself to ACQUIRE the sickness!! Sistas- get ya head out of ya ass and take care of yourselves!!!

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On a completely unrelated note, 15!!!!!!!!!!!! DAYS till I see my happiness =D

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I've also seen a surge of young punk kids using the N word. They are not black, don't even pretend to be (ok some of 'em do pretend) and they call someone else of another descent the N word.... Now let me tell ya... these are the same kids that flinch when something larger than a testicle comes flying at them... go around trying to be "thug" n shit. I swear- have these kids even opened up a history book??? Do they know where the word gets its root from? Do they know that even black people (with half a brain) don't talk like that?? They look like ignorant uneducated fools, I say! Then people whose concept about black culture is eons away from reality look at these fools and think thats how the real black folk act and hence the fuckedupness of this nation (well, at least when it comes to race issues.)

If I hear another preteen use that word I'm going go GHETTO on their asses. Madea ain't got shit on me! lol (j.k Tyler Perry..but we gon' talk about you in the next blog too ... so wait your turn!)

ahh...

Tired AND sick? just the way to be *wink*




*sigh*

Random Randoms

Was tagged by Jace-Face I refuse to tag someone else and put 'em thru' the torture of what my dear friend Jace-Face has put me through- so here we go:

10 years ago

I was 19

was outgoing, popular, pretty and the lust of many men and at first, I was innocent.

Then I took advantage.

was very lonely.

Understood why boys were so nice to me and I took advantage

I made many lifepartners who still to this day have pieces of my heart. (However, I don't recognize these pieces anymore...just know that they are missing)

Popularity meshed up all my nights and days into one giant heap of fuckmylife. Mommys lil innocence was still sweet, still raging... just a lost soul

life goals were met- I was the center of this dying universe

5 years ago

I was 24

fulfilled the role of a great girlfriend- my perception- not his. His changed so very often and after 4 yrs of chasing a perception that was not mine... my moods could not keep up

Got lost in giving my then boyfriend everything I had and happily did so

was still very lonely...only found a mask called "my love" (which in itself was a lie..and it helped me cover up another lie ...and all was well in this world)

Realized I had no life goals and they therefore were never un-met. Just un-made.

Quickly and grudgingly confessed

Dove headfirst into 9 feet deep water knowing damn well I couldn't swim. But I learned.

Relearned how to crawl, walk and it helped me run just a lil faster... a lil more sure that my weak ankles, brittle bones and wobbly knees will hold me up! :)

Last year

Switched my life goals but was happy with it

I fell in love with academia ... not for the booze not for the sex not for the nights spent at bars and not for the freedom of fuckery. But solely for the freedom of academia.

Questions floated around my head: What the fuck did you just do?!?!

Immersed myself in books and love and poetry.

Realized I am not lonely... I love the peace and quiet of solitude

Still did not overcome procrastination (and as you can tell it still has not changed)

Loved myself ... swept myself off my own feet and it was the best I'd ever had... yet. I was content.

Yesterday

I fell in love with a martial artist.

realized I love sharing this solitude only with a select few and yet - I have to kick them out to relearn myself every now and then.

I laughed, stressed, felt silly, beautiful and I ached. I wanted to finally be home someday soon.

Wondered if I'll ever fulfill all my dreams especially with life always making its own demands and agenda on MY time...

10:18

10:18
I am trying to read my book but I cannot stop thinking
10:18
I think about what went through your head ..thoughts like stray bullets
penetrate through your chest and as you cried out
no one listened.
10:18
Now my mind is like a whirlwind of emotions
It wont stop no matter how loud I turn on the music or how much i grind my teeth
or how hard i use the palm of my hands to press on my ears to
MAKE IT STOP!!!!!
10:18
The numbers keep ringing in my ear like a haunting chant that is consuming my life


Here i fucking go again... turning this into something about me.
10:18
My mind is like a whirlwind of emotions because you see
the same blade that cut through your veins are now severing mine
from my heart bleeding into my lungs and I'm drowning
in my own diluted blood
I am choking and as I gasp for air
my head barely above the water
drowning
in a sea of your tears
in a sea of your blood


Here i fucking go again... turning this into something about me.
You see I dread thinking about what you must have gone through that night
so I turn everything I write about every thing that I spew everything that comes out of my mouth.. into something about me.

10:18
The demons that haunted you must have been bigger than the love for your son
your son.. your sun... must have... gone down
and with the the dusk he took your soul
10:18
The demons that haunted you must have been louder than the shrieks of your children
louder than the hits of your husband
louder than the sermons and church bells
10:18
Your body has finally found peace
and it lay there ... so peaceful ... ur muscles..relaxed
your soul has been set free
10:18
As your free soul wanders this earth in the guise of an angel
you still are your childrens angel protecting us
from all the him's in this world from all the harms in this world
10:18
keeps going around in circles and in circles and it makes me dizzy
nauseous because the circles won't stop spinning like a rollercoaster ride gone wrong
its going faster and faster as days go by and 10:18 comes closer
10:18
I realize they weren't demons that took you away
it was a choir of Angels that He sent for you
You were hand picked by Him and a chariot was sent for you
A special plan laid out for you by Him
and
10:18
we should not mourn but celebrate your freedom

Inner conflict

I don't know which one I should be today....