Short; all over the place; train of thought raw.

So I'm sitting here this morning, and listening to some worship music, and I realize how far along I've come. I was so used to living in the law...now that I live in grace, I see how beautiful, kind and loving Papa can be. For so long I blamed the church, or simply didn't care to give it a thought. I didn't think in my leisure time, I'd be listening to worship music on the regular. I hope to raise my kids to think this is the norm. That Papa loves them...that He, indeed, is a forgiving, all gracious Father that accepts us for us. He has unconditional love- truly and unsurpassably unconditional love like no other. That they come to tears just thinking about how much grace He has for us. How they, too, can love freely and know that Papa God is there to protect them. Daily worship and family prayer won't be anything new to them. That's not to say it wasn't new to us, we went to our ridgid church every sunday, bible study classes/ cathecisim classes, we'd listen to Christmas music (not worship music, mind you) every November-January. However, we never were taught that Papa God is so amazing. That His Goodness is so powerful... that we can soak in it everyday. That we have a choice...that "all we have to say is 'Yes' ...a simple 'Yes'..and we take one step and he runs a hundred towards us." (Kate Wegenast)So this is all exciting and new to me...But the point being, when I have kids, this will never be a new concept to them. That in itself, will put them a million miles ahead of me. If just that is my legacy, I'll die a happy woman. :)

YAY!

September 9th 2012 So I’ve started going to church again. It is for people between the ages of 20 and 30, non-denominational. I absolutely LOVE it! The first week, Alyn (Scottish pastor/prophetic) talked about the misconceptions of God. How the image of God is distorted from a kind, loving, accepting God to this… this… God that is borderline evil, that wants you to repent and wants you to be perfect and wants you to say that you are a sinner and beat yourselves about it. Yes, everyone has room to grow- but Alyn also talked about us being made- the way HE wanted us to be! In his own image! “God doesn’t hate you.” He said. This ministry is open to all. What you do is between you and God. I absolutely loved it. He kept saying “and God told me…” like He was having a conversation with another human being…. I was initially a bit jealous. He kept talking about God’s plan for him, and how God told him that he is going to be a prophet and he just kinda…laughed. I kept thinking “wtf!! HOW can you hear God? I’ve been asking Him the same dang question for almost 3 years now and I’m still lost.” (It’s true..I’d be like “God if you want me to do blah blah blah… let so n so call me right now.” No calls hahaha) But then he uttered the magic words. “If you feel like God isn’t talking to you..or if you feel like you’re trying to listen- but you just can’t hear… we have a class that runs for 14 weeks “ SOLD. (Although they weren’t “selling seats” lol) They also call God their “Daddy” or “Papa” or “Dad” … like He were a living, breathing… being that they can touch and just… live with. He is and they do. I’m still very uncomfortable with calling Him Dad or Papa, I always called him Father and so for now, I’m sticking to it. During one of the two worships, Alyn talked about God’s plan for you is SO GREAT that He cannot just tell it to you, because you just might keel over and die LOL. He has to reveal it to you slowly. Didn’t think much of this, but when I was doing my reflecting…. BAM!!! THIS is why I always felt like there HAD to be more …to life..to relationships..to feelings…to emotions… I was just never satisfied! I kept thinking about God’s plan for me. I already knew. I’ve always known. I’ve dreamed about it and spent HOURS UPON HOURS day-dreaming about what it would be like, but I never acted on it because “Everyone fuckin thinks they’re special. Everyone wants that amazing life. Come back to the real world dude!” (HOORAY!! Negative thoughts!) Anyhow, so I have accepted this challenge. I’m going to do it! Every session I feel like something was said that God really was giving me these signs… on which way to go. I also am trying to be a little more social (trying to get that girl back out there!) but I just feel so tired usually after work/ not sleeping on Mondays. When R goes around talking to people, I’ll just stand on the sidelines waiting patiently for us to leave. Sometimes my head hurts; sometimes I go into lala land. Last week R couldn’t make it, so I went to this class by myself. I made one new friend (hey, it’s a feat for a socially inept troll like me!) So things are going well in spiritual front. I’ve been trying to journal more often, trying to relax and meditate as well. I’m back into the gym- in fact, I beat my own personal record with leg presses- I initially started with 15 reps 135 lbs x 2 then 15 reps 215lbs x2 and finished off with 8 reps 235lbs (YES!!)x1. This was AFTER I met with my trainer, and after cardio. So good feelings! Legs are jello right now, but def worth it! So, comin along well! See how the rest goes

It's mah birffday

So It’s mah birffday!! I have to say, I feel especially unfulfilled this year. Every year on my birthday, I ask myself “You have lived for __ years on this earth. What have you accomplished?” Two years ago, I was proud because I worked hard for something and I achieved it. Last year, It was “okay” because I was kind of on track with my goals. This year I feel like I am back in college, doing loser things. Not partying my life away, but I feel like part of my “fight or flight” still remains “flight” when 3 years ago, I had trained myself to “fight.” This time, it’s no particular goal in mind because I want too many things to happen all at the same time, while actually working towards nothing. What’s even more frustrating is feeling like I have blogged about this before. (Even the previous blog about the rants of being bored/ being in a funk…been there done that.) Like, seriously dude…what gives?! What is it going to take? Another life altering change?? While the change was good, what was sacrificed was much larger and I would gladly give it back- so that’s not an option. I just feel like I am making wrong choices/ ones that may not be for me. I feel like I should be much farther than where I am today. While I have these feelings (thanks to my loser college years) generally with my life milestones, this year, I feel like I took a step back. The principal grounds of these “loser feelings” have to do with two things: Financials and Arya (he is NOT the cause of this mind you, but it is more about what I should have done for him and didn’t.) It started when my brother volunteered to help me out with my trip to NJ to see him (which was a feat in itself- thanks to walmart/western union.) I had to switch a few things around with bills just to make it there and back. It really showed me how far behind I am with my financial goals. I make more than enough money and this should not happen. There were externals, true, however the amount of switcharoo’s that happened with bill paying… BAH. On my way there and back with Arya, it became painfully clear how behind Arya is with his socialization. I needed to have him in class as soon as I got him. He should have been neutered the month I got him. All of these things- while my family did remind me of this very gently, I know these are things of urgency that should never have been an issue. Also, during my drive back from jersey, I was thinking about how different my life is here than back at the shore. (Arya’s the one paying for it here… having an anti-social mom n all.) Back in Jersey, I have a TON of friends and when I am there, every single day I am surrounded by people I love. I absolutely love it! However, I do need a TON of me time as well to reflect and think/keep track of life and what not. I need a middle ground. Here, I do have a few friends, but they aren’t as close to me as my Jersey friends are and I only see them via work. I need to build relationships here. You see, when I moved here, I moved in with a s/o. Life was full with his life bleeding into mine. I absolutely HATED it. So, a year later, I moved out. What I am now realizing is that in that year, I did not build any relationships because that “me time” was so rare to find when you live with someone and their child, I treasured being alone. Now that I do live by myself, the” me time” has taken over and there’s no socialization AT ALL- for Arya or me!

Ready for this to be done with

I’ve been in a funk again…. I am bored out of my mind. I cannot go to the gym for another week per doctors advice (yea, I’m one of the few that actually follows the doctors recommendations.) For a while, I thought maybe I was depressed. I had no energy. I’d have days that I was a raging insomniac, unable to do anything other than lay in bed and try to sleep because I was so dead tired. Other days I would not be able to get out of bed. I’d wake up because Arya would cry and I’d barely be able to let him out into the backyard so he could handle his business. Back into bed and I’d sleep for 15-17 hours a day. When I was up, I’d contemplate what to eat, putz around in the kitchen and then eventually go back to bed. This lasted for a good month or so. I finally thought enough is enough (not the song :-P) and forced myself to get out of bed and clean my house. That got me out of that funk. Now I’m at the stage where my house is clean, my puppy gets his walks and I do have some energy, but I am BORED. OUT. OF. MY. FUCKING. MIND. I only work 3 days a week (perks of 12 hour shifts) so 4 off days go by extremely slow especially when the gym is not an option. I took up cooking and I’ve learned it’s not something I LOVE. I do it out of boredom and soon get bored of that quickly as well. I know what you’re thinking “why don’t you do that list of gabazillion things you’ve listed time and again that’d you’d do if you had the time?” I’m on a mission to pay down my debt(and to do that, I need to either stay home OR get in some overtime- BUT census is low, so no OT for me :*( bah.) So this means I have to find things that don’t cost me much. Visiting the Amazon= $$$. I know starting Friday I’ll be okay being that I’ll be in the clear to gym it up. But for now, I can’t stop bitching. And you have to listen to it. :-P I also noticed I was becoming negative. Whenever I opened my mouth, it was either to chime in to agree with someone that was talking about negative things or I was just upset about something. Part of it was me and part of it was whom I chose to surround myself with. I realized there were a few people on facebook that just reading their status updates would get me hypertensive. I started thinking negatively in general. When I realized this, I deleted them off my list to reduce the headaches and bitching. What is helping me stay focused on the positives was the movie A Thousand Words. What if that had to happen to me? Would I bitch about things (esp. in a non-constructive way) and just talk to hear my voice? It’s still a struggle especially once I get started, and even when I realize I have succumbed into this vicious cycle again- It’s hard to stop. I don’t know why. Word vomit. Unpleasant, bitchy, mean, catty word vomit. This is not who I am. I’ve said time and again- I was the fun, crazy, silly carefree girl. I’m still struggling to find her and bring her back. I refuse to give up on her ;)

Lets play catch up

...Shall we?
Since Sept 2011, I have:
+Moved to a new position at my job, a better one that will allow me to pursue my Doctorate
+Visited India for vacation purposes only- and LOVED it!! (Saw the Taj Mahal and many other amazing sites but more than that... I realized how much my immediate family ROCKS!)
+Moved out of the condo and got myself a house with a yard (for puppppiiiesss!!!)
+Adopted a stray Indian dog and had it flown here (much thanks to the big bro, sis-in-law, my sister aka the puppies Godmother and sisters bf aka the puppies Dad {our relationships are all askew})
+Found a stray here in TN (named Shaan: it means Pride in Hindi) while the Indian pups paperwork was being processed, loved it, tried to train it, failed, sent it to a (very expensive) trainer and can now kind of live in harmony.
+Finally got my Indian baby home (Named Arya: Sanskrit for Noble/great) and am having so much fun with him
+Arya and Shaan have decided to NOT get along so I am now on puppy duty all hours of the day and much of the night. (Where are the sedatives when I need them!?--for the dogs that is, not me!)
+Sister and Ron visited and we had lots of fun!
+Became single
+Got a chance to rethink WHY I am not on my path to my DNP per plan.
+Revisited my priority list. Need to refocus.
+Realized taking on more than one thing apparently makes me flustered. So I am going to unfluster, refocus and take one day at a time.
+Tried to do this Body detox/cleanse thing which didn't go well due to my coffee addiction. Will try again after weaning myself off the coffee. (I've done 3/10 days of it- and I did really well, just the coffee withdrawal headaches were too much to handle cold turkey. So my mission for the next month is getting OFF coffee and retrying this Cleanse-- which I already am seeing results of!)
+Realized I need patience with people and puppies.


Now that things are ...slightly calming down, I will be updating more frequently. For now, I have to take the lil one to pee! Toodles!

Warning: October is Debbie Downer month!

Standing in the shower, I was unable to stop crying. I missed my mom today so much more than usual. I didn't know why. Later I realized it is about to be October- that time of the year again. I didn't feel guilt or anything other than missing her. I usually don't talk about it with my siblings in fear that just in case it's slipped their minds, I don't want to be the asshole that reminded them. However, I already know they know too. And they don't bring it up in hopes that I'm not thinking about it. In reality all 3 of us just think about it and get through it in our own ways. When all 3 siblings were in travelling distance, we'd go and have a bbq/ drink. We'd just shoot the shit and have good times. It'd take our minds off of the emotions. But this is the 2nd year that we're all far away from each other, but this year at least the day falls on a weekday. So I know my siblings will be busy. I'll be dead from working the night before, so maybe I'll sleep the day away. I hope.
It'll be 5 years this year. It still feels surreal. Talking about it.. Talking about it logically clears my mind. I've already done that. All the sorting, the finding, the searching ...all of that is done. Conclusion is done too. I've gone to support groups as well. The only thing it facilitates is crying. I can very well do that on my own :-P Whoever said time heals all, lied. It may just make you busier, or make you forget. It doesn't hurt any less. I may have sorted out through the emotions, however the loss is still there. The void is still not filled. It angers me when people say "Oh eventually it'll not hurt as much..." Bullshit. It still hurts. Just as much. I may just not be as confused emotionally.
So I will stay missing my mommy. Till The Big Man Upstairs decides it is time for us to meet again!
Love you ma! *hands you the mic* "iske baare mein aap ka kya khayal hai?" :)

Eat, Pray, Love. My own version.

I am as much a perfectionist as I am a cancerian, so I have to look at things, analyze it, examine it, study it and then sleep on it (and most of the times, I'll wake up the next day to do more analyzing and examining.) This is how I operate in almost any situation. I like to know what I am getting into. I can't just dive into an unknown and study it as I go along. Nope. The very thought of it sends me gasping for air, needing an Ativan STAT. I think This is my biggest weakness.
I feel lost lately. I have all these mixed feelings about where I am, who I am, who I am meant to be... sometimes one feels right, sometimes the very same thing makes me want to scream and run off into a distance where no one knows me. I feel like there are parts of me that are dying. I don't want them to die, however, I know its not humanly possible to be all of that, add on new roles and still keep on trucking like it comes naturally. Maybe its me- I challenge every thing that society tells me (I never said I win, mind you.) Sometimes I win, sometimes society does. The up side of it is, that in either situation, I'm never disappointed because I know I tired, and I proved to myself one way or the other.
Currently the person that I am-- is so different from where I started. Some parts of it are good, the others, I (and everyone around me) could do without. I feel like certain situations have caused me to have baggage that I do know exists, but I haven't worked on cutting them loose. This, in turn, has become a baggage that I carry around daily, literally. As the figurative baggage piled on, the literal did too. The bigger the baggage, the more mean I became. I mean, the wild shrew in me is definitely ALL me, however I remember being sweet and carefree. I remember smiling and laughing a lot. I remember that the wild shrew would only surface when necessary and it would stun the people that evoked the wild shrew because they always thought of that me as the sweet, carefree girl. But the wild shrew would go back into hiding until needed. Now all that is left is the Wild Shrew. And while I know exactly how I got to this place, I'm not sure why I never stopped myself from becoming a permanent resident.
This brings me to the Eat, Pray, Love title. I saw the movie and first I was kinda like "That's a cool movie." Fast forward a few months later... I started to think about my journey and I realized I had to watch it once more. {I mean, the movie itself is not an epiphany or anything. And I think the end of it was crap. HAHA! I mean, "Sometimes to lose your balance for love, is balance" is not telling me much about balance itself. XD (Yes, I need to be spoonfed about such things.) And again, I refuse to believe that I need to lose my balance for love. }
ANYHOO! While Julia Roberts and the vein in her forehead spend all that money to go to Italy, India and Indonesia (did the airline charge her an extra seat for that vein and teeth? :-P) I was already thinking about the balance of things. I believe this is the root cause of the Wild Shrew's permanent appearance, disappearance of my sweet, carefree self, my general unhappiness and the 3 grey hairs I found on my head that I have so lovingly named after my M. I have to find a balance. And I've never taken the time to do so. Heck I haven't even thought about what is THE most important for me, versus what is important, but not as important :-P. {I think I need to buy the entire section of Borders Self-Help Books ...oh. wait. Borders died. wahhhh!!}

SO, I've come up with these categories: Cannot live without (I) ....Important to have once a month (II)... Important to have every so often(III)...Have to do for life/work commitments (IV).
Here are the list of what's important to me and where they fit into the list:

• Volunteer (locally) III




• Volunteer in Africa with Dr. Mukwege I (I say this as numero uno because I know this is something I HAVE to do, albeit not daily, but once a year or so. I cannot imagine life without going there every so often)




• Workout I I become a different person when I'm not gym-bound.




• Cook/ Clean/ Duties of a gf/momma-figure II. (I rated this a II because I feel like it has to be a good balance. As much as I love my M and the little one, I feel like there has to be a clear definition of ME first. The cleaning /cooking/duties come naturally with the love, however I don't think its something that DRIVES my life/fulfills all my goals in life. Ya know?)




• Putting time in for Make-up/ presentation of self II. I rate this II as well, because while it is something that I'd like to do, I don't think it defines me. I'm not the go-to-girl for presentations because I am who I am. I know it is important but I also know I can live without makeup :-P (One of my ex-bosses threatened to call TLC's "What Not To Wear" show on me! That was almost a decade ago so don't worry, I'm MUCH better now and do take the time to get myself together XD)




• Study/ Learn new things I. It's just a part of me. I'm a nerd. ;) I NEED to learn new things constantly- if not I feel like I am stagnant. That my brain is melting, rotting, wasting away!




• Keep up with my RN-giri Toss up between I and IV. Mainly because my patients deserve it and because I need to be the best ;) but also because it is necessary to keep my lic. :-P




• Be around my girls/guys! Friendships and Reunions II. I know this should be a I. And if I was living close to my peeps, it'd be a I! BUT I'm approx 14 hour drive/ 2 hour flight away from them so I have to make sure my wallet can handle it. Now while I physically don't go to them every month, I do need to talk and rejuvinate myself by at LEAST talking to them on the phone/chat. They bring life to my life ;)




• Nice-ities of life (The House, The Car, The typical things WOMEN want lol!) III Face it, it'd be rad to have, but I'm not going to be upset if I don't have it. I need a car that'll get me from point A to point B {now if that car happens to be a Lexus, WOOHOO! But till then, my 97 "Mama Dean" (you can imagine the condition of the car if I've named her that) will do just fine!} BUT What I do need though (and I'll go ahead and number this a I is ONE room in the house that's just MINE.) Call it whatever you want. I feel like the house, whether I do decorate it the way I want or M and I compromise and decorate it to both of our liking, is going to be used by all family members. So if the M (who has already claimed the basement) gets the basement as a place of solace, I should at least get one room that I can call my place of solace.




• Have a PARTNER I This is one of my top priorities-- not so much the "Have a" part..but the "PARTNER" part. I'll be happy single- I've been. (Actually, one of the times that I've been happy and the most myself was when I was single.) My relationship status does not define who I am. BUT I also know that IF I have to be with someone, that person better be a PARTNER in a true sense. People say that a 50-50 relationship does not exist. I challenge that every day. M and I work at it everyday. We may not be THERE yet, but we're certainly closer to it today than we were yesterday. I cannot and will not settle for any less. Thankfully, my M knows this too. ;)




• Dogs and Cats and sundry Pets I I have lived with pets all my life. I am a part of them just as much as they are a part of me. :) (I love animals. A lot more than I love humans. Sorry :-P)




• Volunteer for Animals- Best Friends or something to the sort II I've wanted to do more with animals (at one point I had enquired to be an Animal Cop in NYC) I've always wanted to impact the animal world somehow.... just don't know how yet! Again, although I don't travel to Utah monthly, I'm hoping while I'm not there, I'm doing something to make a difference in an animals life each month.




• Church!! I It's something I HAVE to do. My beliefs and my values aren't something I can compromise on. Praying daily and mulitple times helps me get through the day :)




• Go out to places that make ME happy II Being that my M and I have COMPLETELY different tastes in music, I realized I've been mildly (I use the term liberally here)miserable because we've mostly been going to places that play his kinda music. While I'm not completely miserable when there, I do miss .. me. I miss being able to dance the night way, just let go and be happy. Music makes me happy. (Music that I like, that is!)




• Write/Read/ sundry hobbies III Because while they do make me who I am, it doesn't define me completely. I do need to go back to reading, writing etc. once in a while, but on a typical day, I don't YEARN to do so.




• Travel III Again, I'd love to travel all over the world and see places and just vacation in general (who doesn't?!) It's something that'd be nice to do once in a while. But I cannot just completely cross it off my list of " Things I'll be happy with never doing ever!"

YEP! That's my list. Now I have to work on keeping this list (in order of priority) in my head and balance my life ;)