Eat, Pray, Love. My own version.

I am as much a perfectionist as I am a cancerian, so I have to look at things, analyze it, examine it, study it and then sleep on it (and most of the times, I'll wake up the next day to do more analyzing and examining.) This is how I operate in almost any situation. I like to know what I am getting into. I can't just dive into an unknown and study it as I go along. Nope. The very thought of it sends me gasping for air, needing an Ativan STAT. I think This is my biggest weakness.
I feel lost lately. I have all these mixed feelings about where I am, who I am, who I am meant to be... sometimes one feels right, sometimes the very same thing makes me want to scream and run off into a distance where no one knows me. I feel like there are parts of me that are dying. I don't want them to die, however, I know its not humanly possible to be all of that, add on new roles and still keep on trucking like it comes naturally. Maybe its me- I challenge every thing that society tells me (I never said I win, mind you.) Sometimes I win, sometimes society does. The up side of it is, that in either situation, I'm never disappointed because I know I tired, and I proved to myself one way or the other.
Currently the person that I am-- is so different from where I started. Some parts of it are good, the others, I (and everyone around me) could do without. I feel like certain situations have caused me to have baggage that I do know exists, but I haven't worked on cutting them loose. This, in turn, has become a baggage that I carry around daily, literally. As the figurative baggage piled on, the literal did too. The bigger the baggage, the more mean I became. I mean, the wild shrew in me is definitely ALL me, however I remember being sweet and carefree. I remember smiling and laughing a lot. I remember that the wild shrew would only surface when necessary and it would stun the people that evoked the wild shrew because they always thought of that me as the sweet, carefree girl. But the wild shrew would go back into hiding until needed. Now all that is left is the Wild Shrew. And while I know exactly how I got to this place, I'm not sure why I never stopped myself from becoming a permanent resident.
This brings me to the Eat, Pray, Love title. I saw the movie and first I was kinda like "That's a cool movie." Fast forward a few months later... I started to think about my journey and I realized I had to watch it once more. {I mean, the movie itself is not an epiphany or anything. And I think the end of it was crap. HAHA! I mean, "Sometimes to lose your balance for love, is balance" is not telling me much about balance itself. XD (Yes, I need to be spoonfed about such things.) And again, I refuse to believe that I need to lose my balance for love. }
ANYHOO! While Julia Roberts and the vein in her forehead spend all that money to go to Italy, India and Indonesia (did the airline charge her an extra seat for that vein and teeth? :-P) I was already thinking about the balance of things. I believe this is the root cause of the Wild Shrew's permanent appearance, disappearance of my sweet, carefree self, my general unhappiness and the 3 grey hairs I found on my head that I have so lovingly named after my M. I have to find a balance. And I've never taken the time to do so. Heck I haven't even thought about what is THE most important for me, versus what is important, but not as important :-P. {I think I need to buy the entire section of Borders Self-Help Books ...oh. wait. Borders died. wahhhh!!}

SO, I've come up with these categories: Cannot live without (I) ....Important to have once a month (II)... Important to have every so often(III)...Have to do for life/work commitments (IV).
Here are the list of what's important to me and where they fit into the list:

• Volunteer (locally) III




• Volunteer in Africa with Dr. Mukwege I (I say this as numero uno because I know this is something I HAVE to do, albeit not daily, but once a year or so. I cannot imagine life without going there every so often)




• Workout I I become a different person when I'm not gym-bound.




• Cook/ Clean/ Duties of a gf/momma-figure II. (I rated this a II because I feel like it has to be a good balance. As much as I love my M and the little one, I feel like there has to be a clear definition of ME first. The cleaning /cooking/duties come naturally with the love, however I don't think its something that DRIVES my life/fulfills all my goals in life. Ya know?)




• Putting time in for Make-up/ presentation of self II. I rate this II as well, because while it is something that I'd like to do, I don't think it defines me. I'm not the go-to-girl for presentations because I am who I am. I know it is important but I also know I can live without makeup :-P (One of my ex-bosses threatened to call TLC's "What Not To Wear" show on me! That was almost a decade ago so don't worry, I'm MUCH better now and do take the time to get myself together XD)




• Study/ Learn new things I. It's just a part of me. I'm a nerd. ;) I NEED to learn new things constantly- if not I feel like I am stagnant. That my brain is melting, rotting, wasting away!




• Keep up with my RN-giri Toss up between I and IV. Mainly because my patients deserve it and because I need to be the best ;) but also because it is necessary to keep my lic. :-P




• Be around my girls/guys! Friendships and Reunions II. I know this should be a I. And if I was living close to my peeps, it'd be a I! BUT I'm approx 14 hour drive/ 2 hour flight away from them so I have to make sure my wallet can handle it. Now while I physically don't go to them every month, I do need to talk and rejuvinate myself by at LEAST talking to them on the phone/chat. They bring life to my life ;)




• Nice-ities of life (The House, The Car, The typical things WOMEN want lol!) III Face it, it'd be rad to have, but I'm not going to be upset if I don't have it. I need a car that'll get me from point A to point B {now if that car happens to be a Lexus, WOOHOO! But till then, my 97 "Mama Dean" (you can imagine the condition of the car if I've named her that) will do just fine!} BUT What I do need though (and I'll go ahead and number this a I is ONE room in the house that's just MINE.) Call it whatever you want. I feel like the house, whether I do decorate it the way I want or M and I compromise and decorate it to both of our liking, is going to be used by all family members. So if the M (who has already claimed the basement) gets the basement as a place of solace, I should at least get one room that I can call my place of solace.




• Have a PARTNER I This is one of my top priorities-- not so much the "Have a" part..but the "PARTNER" part. I'll be happy single- I've been. (Actually, one of the times that I've been happy and the most myself was when I was single.) My relationship status does not define who I am. BUT I also know that IF I have to be with someone, that person better be a PARTNER in a true sense. People say that a 50-50 relationship does not exist. I challenge that every day. M and I work at it everyday. We may not be THERE yet, but we're certainly closer to it today than we were yesterday. I cannot and will not settle for any less. Thankfully, my M knows this too. ;)




• Dogs and Cats and sundry Pets I I have lived with pets all my life. I am a part of them just as much as they are a part of me. :) (I love animals. A lot more than I love humans. Sorry :-P)




• Volunteer for Animals- Best Friends or something to the sort II I've wanted to do more with animals (at one point I had enquired to be an Animal Cop in NYC) I've always wanted to impact the animal world somehow.... just don't know how yet! Again, although I don't travel to Utah monthly, I'm hoping while I'm not there, I'm doing something to make a difference in an animals life each month.




• Church!! I It's something I HAVE to do. My beliefs and my values aren't something I can compromise on. Praying daily and mulitple times helps me get through the day :)




• Go out to places that make ME happy II Being that my M and I have COMPLETELY different tastes in music, I realized I've been mildly (I use the term liberally here)miserable because we've mostly been going to places that play his kinda music. While I'm not completely miserable when there, I do miss .. me. I miss being able to dance the night way, just let go and be happy. Music makes me happy. (Music that I like, that is!)




• Write/Read/ sundry hobbies III Because while they do make me who I am, it doesn't define me completely. I do need to go back to reading, writing etc. once in a while, but on a typical day, I don't YEARN to do so.




• Travel III Again, I'd love to travel all over the world and see places and just vacation in general (who doesn't?!) It's something that'd be nice to do once in a while. But I cannot just completely cross it off my list of " Things I'll be happy with never doing ever!"

YEP! That's my list. Now I have to work on keeping this list (in order of priority) in my head and balance my life ;)

It's been a while...

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while- I have been thinking about death, dying and funerals (no, not of my own even though a few of you out there were wishing I was LOL) I touched on this subject before. A part of the reason I cannot freely open my heart to love is because...of death. A coworker and his partner were together for 22 years. And I'm not talking about 22 yrs of fighting or 22 yrs of "How should I know where James* is?" I'm talking about 22 years of walking to the mail box together, 22 yrs of buying matching scrubs, 22 years of working together and driving together. If you saw one, the other was not 5 feet behind the first. I loved their love. They were my first coworker-friends in this state.

Then Bob* died. Yes, we pretty much knew it was coming. It didn't make it any easier on James. When Bob died, I couldn't get myself to go the the funeral. Ever since my mommy passed away, I just don't do too good at funerals. Booker (an old friend from another job)'s funeral was too tough and ever since, I vowed to not go to another one. I'll send condolences, I'll go and cook (ok, order take out and go there, shut up.) I'll even go and do housework. But I cannot attend the funeral. I saw James the other day. He had lost a lot of weight. The once zestful, funny (James was the funnier of the two- the more outgoing one) and vibrant James had dwindled down. His shoulders looked shrunken, head bowed down and I think his smile has abandoned him for what seems like the rest of his life.

I work with geriatric patients. A solid portion of them have lost their memory but remember their late husbands/wives and wander the hospital hallways looking for them. Usually, if one of the spouse has recently died, the other one follows within a year. Its heart breaking to see them in that year. To die of a broken heart. It's the worst way to go in my book. I cannot imagine loving someone and giving them your all. To essentially lose each other into the other- and then all of a sudden a part of you is gone. I'd go insane. How does one get over a shock like that? Living without your heart- what remains is a carcass that's just waiting for the grim reaper to show up.

Worse if it happens when you're still young, like poor James. How does one even look up- forget look forward? I couldn't say much to him- I just got choked up when I ran into him in the elevator. So I rubbed his arm and stood silently beside him. I wanted to cry. I wanted Bob back. I wanted James to have his smile back. I wanted to scream because it was just not fair. I wanted to run out of the elevator as fast as I could for James was a living testimony of why I refuse to love with all of my heart. Selfish, I know but I hate crying. and facing my fears.
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On another note...I always wondered if there had to be an ethical delimma ...would I just freeze up or I wondered if there was some 'on-off'' button that would be switched 'on' (finally!) and I'd be able to make the right choices...
I had an instance where a patients life was questionably in danger and while it was SO easy to do the right thing- the consequences and drama that follow are unbareable. I believe my "black-and-white" thinking at times causes others discomfort. (but hey, I did my job and my patients were safe!) Hence the name wild shrew.

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Anyhow, so to the topic at hand. We all know I'm a raging feminist and we all also know the word 'feminist' has been used and abused to no bounds. To me, a feminist is someone who is for the liberty and freedom of all women. Freedom. of. all. women. Meaning, if a woman chooses to be a housewife, more power to her. If she chooses to be a scientist, carpenter, secretary so be it. However, what the heck is up with women being so bitchy n backstabbing each other? I mean, haven't we gone through enough? Why the need to pull us down even more so?



I have a theory. If you look at any oppressed group (except the Jews as far as I know in this case) every group has unarguably come very far....however, there are those that pull their own race/group down. I have heard every race say that. African-Americans, Dominicans, Indians, Haitians etc. "Oh! I don't know why *insert owns race here* do that! They cannot see their own go farther than them without trying to pull them down!" I'm not sure if it is a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of some sort, where that mentality is ingrained in our being or its just the viciousness of individuals. When a certain group is oppressed, survival rules kick in. Every person wants to make sure they have enough for themselves FIRST. Example, if your family doesn't have food and you see someone carrying a bag of food, you're going to take him down and take that food to your family first. Then you will help out those around you. It is a simple law of survival. So I'm thinking since these groups have had to abide by these laws of survival, it is ingrained in them to be 'on the top- first.' (Now I'm not saying every person in that group does that, but there is a percentage of people who do.) Here the black and white theory may just need some gray area. But I think the same theory more or less applies to women trying to pull each other down. Now, paraphrasing what I said in my July 3rd, 2007 blog: Power, Beauty and the Struggle, we can always count on other people trying to [pull us down.] The least we can do is take our own names off that list. :)


**End Rant**

Anger and frustration

I am afraid I have gotten myself stuck again...in a rut... I am to blame. I sat on the chair, willingly so, got a nice, long rope and started tying myself up feet first attached to the chair going all the way up to my face. I even gagged myself. All while I was alone in a room with only one way out. Once I was nice and stuck, snug- if you will, I remembered I am claustrophobic in such situations. Then I started struggling; gasping for air. Trying to scream or let out a whimper at least so someone passing by may hear me. I realized the room started closing in on me and I couldn't breathe. And all that shaking and rocking back-and-forth and jiggling wouldn't loosen up the grip of the rope, instead it just made it tighter. My lungs can't expand fully because of the double knot I tied just in case I decided I wanted out. So now starts the process of finding a knife and slowly but surely cutting off the rope from each limb one by one.

I know I've always refused to live like this- regressive ..or stagnant even. Why am I here then? Maybe there's a message that is hidden that I have not read into yet. Maybe it's all a plan- a divine plan that He Himself has conjoured up for me and I just haven't seen through it. In fact, He does not want me to see through it- just go through it with utmost and blind faith.

So that is exactly what I'll do. I'll go through it with utmost. and. blind. FAITH.

30 things to do before I turne 30 revisited

I updated my 30 things to do before I turn 30 and you can see what I did accomplish and what I did not. A few things on there are kind of an ongoing process so I marked them as "undone" but it doesn't mean I've given up/I am not constantly working on them. But here is the update :)

Things I want to accomplish by July 2011:
1) Prep for grad/doctorate school.
2) Stay focused on why I do what I do.
3) Take that finance class work is offering for free!--- DONE! =D
*will keep adding and italicize as I need/accomplish

So whats your stance?

I have never been someone to give into peer pressure- this is true with sex, booze, cigs- whatever. I do things on my own time. When I am ready. This has allowed me to form my own ideas, opinions and values without anyone else tainting it with their beliefs. Before I come to a conclusion on where I stand on a topic, I think about it in my own time. I don't just go online/listen to someone else babble on about the topic or read a few articles and then engage in verbal spewage of exactly what I read/heard. Some say I'm headstrong, I prefer the term philosophical/unorthodox :-P But here are a few of my very own conclusions...


1) My stance on The Bible: I am an unconventional Christian. In that, even though I go to church most Sundays, I am not a firm believer that everything in The Bible is set in stone. The way I see it, there are MILLIONS of versions of The *true* Holy Bible out there. There are so many different translations of The Holy Bible, that I'm not sure what is real. With so many different interpretations of it, I feel like the true meaning, the true essence of The Book has vanished into thin air. I feel like some people might have purposely interpreted things to justify their feelings/ justify their prejudices/ justify their means. Everything is so twisted and turned to fit what the majority "feels" is right- it all turns into "Oh But the Bible says..."

I know in my heart what God would want me to do, and I do so accordingly. Now, I'm not saying I'm holier than thou and that I ALWAYS do the right thing. I am human, I get tempted, I make mistakes and sometimes I do it over and over again (example, I'm no virgin, nor am I celibate.) However, I also know when I am truly hurting someone and when I need to stop. For example, my stance on Homosexuality and their marriages. If 2 people love each other- I am NO ONE to judge. Heck, some homosexual relationships are more genuine than hetrosexual marriages. (AND if you are one of the die-hard Bible rule-followers, I better not see "divorce," girlfriend/boyfriend, non-virginity in your past either. Practice before you preach, my brotha/sista.) If these two WILLING people want to partake in the heterosexuals sorrows (LOL) I am no one to stop them. This whole "Oh the Bible says..." thing is a crock of you-know-what to me. Even IF the bible DID say that such a thing is "Wrong" THEN ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE. What was that lil thing in the Bible I once heard..." Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.." YEAH.

My M read this para and we had a discussion about it, and while we both are of very different views, we have learned to accept our differences, agreed to disagree and have moved on. This doesn't mean we don't revisit the topic every now and then, but in that discussion, I said something that I feel I need to say on here as well- For people who think this is "blasphemy," I'm not writing this for shock-value. I'm not saying that The Bible isn't God's Word- I'm saying is, with all the translations...well, the True Bible- the true Word, has been lost in translation. I do not believe that God would refuse me Heaven because I said what I said; because as long as I live the life that I feel God wants me to live (to me, He talks to me through my conscience- I have a clear vision of right and wrong .... truly what is right and wrong...I'm not someone who ignores my conscience for convenience and I know when I did/do something wrong- eg. live-in-boyfriend- I know it's wrong and I won't deny it. But I won't point fingers at OTHER people doing wrong, knowing darn well I do the same thing {be it they do it with the same/opposite sex or not} either.) I feel that if one truly, logically and spiritually (and that is key) comes to a conclusion of what is right and what is wrong and does others no harm, God will not deny you as His child. Being honest with yourself goes a long way, I have realized. Again, if you are doing something like, living together before marriage- you are going against what the Bible says as well!! If you aren't a virgin when you get married, you're going against what the Bible says as well!! So how can you say "oh its OKAY for ME to go against the Bible, but its not okay for them?" Now, not only are you *insert sin here* but you're also a hypocrite.

2)My stance on non-human Life and animal rights: I consider the value of life. I don't see if it is a cat or a dog or a human. I feel like every living creature has his/her/its personality and what we do affects and effects everything around us. People always kill me with this whole "Well, s/he shouldn't really have to be punished so severely ...s/he is a human and that was a dog/cat/animal." Yeah, that's what slaveowners used to say back in the day about their slaves too. Lets legalize that too now.

Now one could argue- "Hey, Goldensoul, if you do value non-human life just as much as the human life, you shouldn't be eating any meat, wear any leather or in that case- even eat any plants- so in essence, we all should cease to exist!" And to that I say, I never said we all need to die. Just like in nature, I feel if it is for survival, then so be it. Meaning, hunting for the purpose of eating- okay. But hunting for the purpose of sport- I hope you get shot in the ass by another idiot just like you. I was vegan for a whole year before I got sick because I went cold turkey (hahha! no pun intended.) I am trying to keep things as organic as my wallet lets me and once my wallet is ready (which, it is very close to being so!) I am switching to all organic/farm raised meat. I think slaughter houses should be shut down. I think farmers should be put in the forefront of the industry. But that just a tree huggin hippy talking. So while I'm wishing, I wish for 400 zillion dollars as well. (Hey, nothing wrong with dreaming big LOL) I think any industry exploiting any life should be shut down (ahh the optimist/idealist in me.)

3) My Values best described: I am a gangster-hippie, minus the weed, add the values. I am loyal- fiercely loyal. I won't mind taking a punch for someone I know that has my back and I don't mind throwing one out for said person either. However, I am all for peace, love and happy-ness. I think if humans just learned to live and let live without judging, medling in other peoples business and worked on our own flaws and faults instead of spending SO much time trying to find it in others, the world would be a much happier place.

4) My thoughts on humans: I also think if humans would stop screwing up this planet, abusing and raping all our resources, we wouldn't suffer from so many ailments as we do today. "But Goldensoul, what about cancer research? Don't you WANT a cure??" Yes, (and this ties into my stance on non-human rights I talked about in point number 2) the first thing I'd have done IS SHUT THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY DOWN BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED. Shut down companies that sell products that screw up our bodies (*cough* McDonalds *cough*). That screw up our brains (*cough* Philip Morris *cough*). Then see how many "natural" ailments you actually have versus the NUMEROUS MAN MADE AILMENTS WE ALL SUFFER FROM. I do realize that this is all idealistic and the economy dictates a lot, my point here is: put things in perspective. So, because we are greedy and want more money, we screw ourselves up- and then exploit innocent animals to find cure to said self-screwing.. INCREDIBLE.
And btw, research can be done humanely. Torturing animals or purposely giving animals ailments so you can hopefully find a cure is horrid. A class in history, with emphasis on Hitlers experiements, might be essential. So to all the people who sleep a lil better at night thinking "at least its not on humans," Remember that animals can feel pain the same as humans- we just don't speak the same language. Their cries are that of pain. The same type of pain humans cried when they were being experiemented on. Organic life may be a little harder, but why the heck have we become so selfish?! To save on time? save on money? EARN money? And then what?! >(

5) My stance on prejudice and stereotypes: We all generally know racisim/sexsim etc. is wrong (well, one would think.) We all know certain words and stereotypes are not funny/cool/harmless (again, one would think.) However, if you're promoting it within your own race/sex- don't be so surprised/upset when a person from another race/sex comes at you the way you come at "your own." Eg. any racial slur that is now used within that own race as a term of acceptance. If you get offended when an "outsider" uses it- be offended when an insider uses it as well. Because when you call a person that- weather you are trying to use it as an endearing term or not- YOU are saying it is OKAY for others to call you that. I get that you are saying "I'm going to make this word powerless by using it as an endearing term." But it could also be argued that well, if it is powerless to you now, it should be powerless when a non-*insert relevant race here* uses it as well. If not, the power is still there. The history is still tied with this word. The pain is still intertwined in the word- and it is not okay for anyone to use these words. (The same goes with women calling their friends "bitches, sluts, ho's" etc-) Let someone call me a bitch (jokingly) and watch how fast you get knocked out. (This is where the "gangsta" part kicks in and "hippie" part takes a vacation LOL.) Now if I really am being one- then that's another story- calling me out on the truth is different from trying to lable my gender as that.

That's all for now... if you want to know what my stance is on something not mentioned here, just ask :)

Just an update: My stance on a lot (esp The Bible has changed a lot since I first wrote this...so when you're reading this, remember you're reading only a page from the book of my  life. Depending on where you start and where you stop reading... will give you a very different perspective of who I am.)

Life is such...

Has anyone seen The Forbes Most Powerful Women? I think "Lady" Gaga rating in the top 10 is UTTER CRAP. Forbes says they had groups (categories) and then ranked group against group. Still UTTER CRAP. I mean, in that case, Jay-Z, Steven Tyler and the likes should have been rated among the top 10 most powerful men. If you're gonna compare "who has most balls" (well they called it audacity) then Chuck Norris should be NO. 2. Right after Pres. Obama. Were they? Nope. All this says, is that even today mainstream media takes women + power lightly. So apparently it is "A-Ok" to treat this article with such little regard and importance that "Lady" Gaga is "more powerful" than Pelosi. OR what they are truly saying is that there "just aren't enough powerful women out there to be able to come up with a DECENT top 10 so lets just get all b.s. people up in here.Yeah! Let's!" >(

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I've been battling my previous state and my new state for my license to practice for the past... 3 months now. I finally got things squared away enough where I can actually be around patients finally. What. A. Relief. I have been going out my mind, picking fights about silly lil things with the beau and suffering from insomnia due to lack of intellectual stimulation for the past 3 months. Finally, I start Monday =)

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On a completely different note- I miss giggling like a lil kid and having to pinch my nose 'cause I can't stop laughing and I shouldn't be making any noise... did you guys do that when you were younger? Parents would tell you to shut up and some made a face and all the kids in the backseat would start giggling; pinching noses so as to not let out a giggle and get in trouble all over again- Yeah I miss that.

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Fitness n such

For the past 2 years my life was consumed with school as first priority and so the fitness route took a back seat. Way back seat. So, almost 2.5 yrs later, I'm amazed that a) I've let it go for so long- even after graduation, pinning, getting a job, moving- I never picked it back up b) I didn't realize how out of shape I have become. I mean I can hardly walk up one flight of stairs while talking and not go into a wheezing frenzy.
So, I joined the gym and I've vowed to do better. I even started a *secret*(well I'm not so sure about the sercrecy being that it IS a public blog --but I digress) blog that'll help me track my goals, successes and failures. I may eventually link the two blogs, but for now, I want to see if this will be beneficial or detrimental to my goal... so wish me luck, cross your fingers , cross your toes and wish upon a star! =D