Single and not waiting

So I just read this article by Rachel Selinger from Converge magazine and LOVED it!! I'd simply post the link, but my neurotic self has convinced my normal self that the article may one day be taken down, never to be accessible ever again. So I'll copy and paste (and post a link at the bottom.)



"I’m 23, I just graduated from university, and I’m single.

Many of my friends are married, and a few are starting to have children. And I feel as if I just graduated from high school again. You could say my life is in transition. And it’s true; I am in the middle of shifting myself from university to the career world. But I’ve started to wonder about whether it’s right to refer to my singleness as an in-between stage.

What exactly am I in-between again?

“It’s the first day of the rest of my life.” I recently I heard someone on TV say this about her wedding day, and it really bothered me. While I don’t want to discount the gift of marriage, I must say I’m a bit confused and frustrated with this sentiment. I’ve heard the cliché before, but I suddenly felt the weight of it. As if it equates marriage as the start of life, or at least the good part.

Don’t misunderstand my frustration; I think there is a beautiful element of starting a new family with your spouse. I’m all for godly marriage. But what I’m afraid of is viewing life through the lens of marriage as the goal. For waiting to get married before life starts.

I’m afraid, because I’m afraid it has happened to me. I’ve been living like I’m waiting for someone to get here. And it isn’t Jesus.

I’ve wasted my time, my energy, and my emotions on this concept that singleness is just a waiting room for a relationship. I’m tired of this view that my life begins when I wake up next to my husband, because I’m pretty sure my life began 23 years ago when my mom gave birth. And this mentality has robbed my joy.

As much as I’d like to place all the blame on Christian culture, the perpetual “Have you met anyone yet?” question the world asks me, and the reality that my Facebook feed looks more like a Pinterest wedding board these days, I am convicted of my own failures.

I’ve been living like God owes me something. Like he hasn’t held up his end of the deal. He has given me the desire for relationship and marriage, and he just hasn’t followed through.
I’ve been living under the impression that I deserve a relationship.

I’d be lying if I said Christian culture does much to inhibit this mentality. There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I’ve got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.

There are at least a handful or us standing around, wondering what happened. (After all, I have been pretty nice this year.)

But it’s never been about being entitled, or even about being nice. I have to stop thinking that I’m doing something wrong here.


Well actually I am, but it isn’t about fixing something that will magically make a boyfriend appear. It is about changing the direction of my heart.

 “I’d rather have the right God than the wrong man.” –- Christen Rapske

 

 

People talk all the time about pursuing people or things for the wrong reasons, but maybe we pursue God for the wrong reasons. Maybe subconsciously I’ve been treating God like he’s a vending machine. And my pursuit of him has really been a pursuit of someone else.

When did Christ cease to be enough?

And when did I stop finding my identity, self-worth, and fulfillment in Him, only to place my life on hold for someone I’ve never even met?

Each day is a gift, and I’m not waiting for it to get here. It is present in every moment, and it begins anew daily.  Man-less or not, I want to wake up every morning and be excited because I get to spend my day with the God who created the universe.

And I want to do that for the rest of my life"



Link to the original article
 

Journey Journal

Stepping into "single-dom" isn't easy.  I can't speak for all women, but I go through stages, some last longer than the others. Sometimes I go back and forth between the stages, and sometimes I can be in different stages at the same time. What is interesting is that whenever I go through these stages, it is totally unconscious and I am only aware of it after being in that stage for a while. I am a hermit by nature (and zodiac sign- cancer..woot woot!) and so most people don't know what goes on under the shell. The shell isn't necessarily a tough one; sometimes it's just a smiling face- but unless I want you to know..you'll have no idea where I'm at. So it's easier to sway from one stage to another without anyone knowing/ keeping tabs ..or being held accountable. It's not that I'd feel judged- my friends and family are very accepting and supportive. It's just that I want to take my time with it. I don't want to feel rushed, because eventually if I feel like closure has not been achieved, I will revisit the stage. So it's more like..taking my own dang time with each of these stages. It's the freedom I like. Or maybe it is a self-defeating behavior. I'm not sure yet. I'm still working on Operation imatter.

Anyhow, we were talking about stages...I'm not going to just give away the stages- I am a Cancer after all ;-) But what I can tell you is sometimes I am hit with a wave of independence; where I realize I am single. The next step, I know is to focus on myself. I start thinking about what do I want? What does this beautiful amazing creature of God want? More importantly, what does Papa want from me? So I journal. Almost daily. I am able to pinpoint what I love, what I want- what Papa wants from me. Our lines of communication are awesomely clear- it's one of the perks of being His favorite ;-)

So, what's keeping me? Well, you know how people always love to show off their Befores and Afters? Be it a renovation of the house/ weight loss/ beauty make-overs etc ... People forget to show the DURING. Seriously. The crux of the transformation. It's not the revelation or the result. It's the in-between. When you are struggling, when your will power is not at its best. When you want something and instead of listening to your gut and running the opposite way- you go with it anyway. When you've been climbing a steep mountain for months and you shift your focus for one second and down you go. You scrape and try to dig your nails as hard as you can into the dirt and you try to cling on to the weak blades of grass that come down with you , you keep sliding down and panic sets in because you don't want to go back to that place. When you are ashamed of yourself for giving in or not trying hard enough to not slide back downhill- The Failures. That, my friends, is the DURING. It's where I am and that's what I will focus upon.

Why? Let's be honest. It's very easy to look at pictures or read stories of the befores and afters and then to dreamily wish that you were in that After. Where you've gone through the grunt work and life is now just that peachy. And it's also very easy to remember your struggles and then talk about it- but I think a lot of the heartache and realities of the struggles are forgotten. You never truly capture the true essence of the During. So, yours truly volunteers to be your guinea pig and welcome you to join me in this journey. Now, I understand a lot of you might wonder why I am so confident- smug even- to KNOW that there is even an After in my future. Well, I'm confident there is because I am child of Christ and I know He has an awesome plan for me.


So here goes:
   October is a hard month for me, and all 2 of you reading this know that. So, I've definitely taken a few steps back. I'm not just talking about dating life either. I'm talking Journaling and Papa time as well- which I will be fixing tonight ;) In regards to the healing heart- Some days I am a mountain climbing expert and go through the days with ease..sliding across that smooth marble floor like Tom Cruise did in that stupid movie with his stupid shirt and tighty-whiteys. Other days I am like one of my video game characters that has repeatedly hit a brick wall (and keeps walking into it... for hours on end.) Strides that have been taken in healing my heart from generational curses or even the original sin...well I've got to go back a few chapters and re-read and re-learn it all. It's funny it takes so long to learn things- but it takes 2 seconds to unlearn those things- mainly because it's not engraved in my personality yet. (AHA! moment for me and Arya!)
    Today is a mix of shame and panic. I was doing well until I chose to step of the ledge and ended up sliding down- digging my nails into the mix of rubble and grass blades. I *thought* it'd be okay, and I even had a small voice telling me that I knew better- but I chose to experiment anyways. And so now I'm face down on the floor, dirty and looking like a mad woman because between panic, shame and anger I'm not sure which emotion has got the best of me and which one to deal with first. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Part of it is because my self-love self-worth has only begun to stick- a long way from it actually being engraved in my personality. In the past, I'd have hated myself for my failure- I would have paced the room back and forth yelling at myself for my choices. I'd even have called myself a few choice words- but a big stride has been made in sense that I don't hate myself for it and no sort of pacing or name calling followed. I'm at a point where I can say "okay, this is where I am. How do I get to where I want to be and what will it take?" And then go from there. I am okay with experimenting, with theories and hypothesis and dealing with different possible outcomes. What I am NOT okay with is feeling like I've taken a step away from Papa. What I am not okay with is trying to find someone else to blame for this. My choices have consequences and I am not at a point where I can say this is me. What's frustrating me right now is the fact that when I am going through the motions, I seem to lack the intelligence to listen to my heart...listen to Papa and STOP when I need to. (Or start... depending on the situation.)
    So every day I seem to discover more things that I need to work on. There are accomplishments as well- don't get me wrong. But I also know...that in order for me to be able to CLAIM that "That's Me" .. I'll have to be consistent in accomplishments. In order for me to say "that's my personality".. will take a long time and it's a long road ahead of me. But I got new shoes and I got Papa by my side. So hopefully Papa will take me: Golden Soul Fire Princess, turn me into a golden fireball and NITROBOOST my butt into awesomeness ;) I have faith ;)

Operation: iMatter

So it's been a while...Life's been busy with its ups and downs. I cannot honestly say if I've welcomed it (or reacted/responded) gracefully to it but I do know that I've tried my best and kept Papa in focus.

I was struggling a lot for the past 2 months or so. Becoming unhappy with my situation and my surroundings- letting others dictate my mood and my hoop. Then I came across this saying:

Time has a wonderful way

of showing us what

really matters.

It was like a bomb exploded in my face. What really matters. I realized I had let myself go. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. And time...was/is showing it! While I was working on the spiritually part, I was not concentrating on the physical and emotional aspects of my life. I was letting it fly with the winds...letting other peoples emotions and issues sway it back and forth. Needless to say I was a wreck. (I should say am..because I'm still in the process of unstitching this web of shame.) 

During Rutgers, I had gone through a phase of drinking, dancing, partying, being as vain as vain can get... I was at an extreme. Everything was about me and the world revolved around me. I was the ONLY thing that mattered. I became part of a tumultuous relationship which rocked my world (and not in a good way.) My emotions were raw and ...immature since I had not put any work into 'my feelings and emotions and all that junk.' My emotions are still a bit unstable (I don't believe there is a single person on this earth that is emotionally stable- but that's a whole another blog in itself.) But I did put in a conscious effort to NOT be the psychotic train wreck that I was at one point. (Enter: Rigid Emotions/ Emotionless Me) Then as I got older, I realized I was put on this earth for a reason- and that reason was not to look in the mirror and admire the miracle of nature I called "Me" ...there was actually something bigger...a calling. Which would've been fine... except I swung into an extreme where I didn't care about what my outside looked like. I let myself go. And went I did. 

Time has a wonderful way...that time....

of showing us what 

really matters.

Few years later, I am excited to be spiritually awakened, however my emotions and my physique have suffered tremendously. I became this stern... being. I can't even say a "person" because a person would have emotions.. would have friends and feelings.. (I mean I do have friends, however I isolated myself a lot more at the time.) As the emotions built a brick wall to keep all the creepers out of my heart, I unconsciously built a physique that kept people away as well. Even today I have some people tell me they're afraid to approach me. I'm intimidating at times. But I'm trying to change that...I swear I am lol.

So it made me question: Am I changing myself and trying to be a fake version or am I becoming myself? Much thought has led me to conclude: I believe I am re-creating myself. Papa has shown me His blueprint called ME. And now it is my job to fill it in and bring it to life. I'm not trying to mold myself into something I'm not. I'm simply discovering myself. And I'm mostly enjoying it- I say mostly because me and uncertainty do NOT get along haha. And this journey is all about that!!

See balance is a great thing- if one knows how to achieve it. I hate it because I haven't the slightest clue as to  how, when or where I can find this thing called balance. If I even attempt to do one thing- the other falls off. If you notice it's been the theme of this blog since it started lol! Nin.Com.Poop. bah.

So I am trying to make an effort to find this balance. To feed myself spiritually, emotionally and physically. To take care of myself. I am now working towards becoming who I was meant to be. Papa has put love in my heart- not hate, not rigidity, not unkindness. Love. I am meant to show Papa's love. I am becoming more and more aware that my love is unique. It is the love that Papa has put in my heart to give the world-- just a small  fraction of a tiny glimpse of what He has for us. 

How am I going to accomplish this? By learning to love myself first. I have to give to myself (and learn to receive freely- no orphan spirits allowed here...tsk tsk!) the love I so freely give to others. And let me tell ya...it is not as easy as you'd think. But I'm at it. I have to learn to love myself and accept myself. I have to learn to matter to myself.

Time...it has a wonderful way of showing us....

what really matters.

I Matter.

So instead of griping about how long this all is taking...I am going to enjoy how long this is taking. Because it is time I am investing in myself. I matter.

Why yes, I will take an extra hour to talk to Papa. I will enjoy His company and exchanging sweet nothings for longer than usual. I will enjoy Him telling me how much He treasures me and what plans He has for me. I won't blush and stop Him when He tells me how proud He is of me. I will let Him treat me like He wants to: Like I matter.

Why yes, I'll take an hour to get ready...because I will enjoy getting ready and take pride in myself. I will take a bit longer to stand in front of the mirror and admire the masterpiece that is ME. I will enjoy every curve ..heck even every roll. I will allow myself better nutrition and I will treat myself like...I matter.

Why yes, I will take some time and cry when I am on my period haha I will let myself feel sad...and happy and loved. I won't shy away from good emotions an embrace the bad ones too. I won't hide that I feel sad or insecure. I will let you know exactly "what's wrong." Because I matter.

This is a long process... but I'm finally gonna be ME. And I am enjoying it. Soaking it in as much as I can- being as meticulous as I wanna be! If you want to come with me in this journey...that's awesome! If you don't, that's awesome too! I ain't worried about it honey (lol) because I finally believe what Papa says....

iMatter

Short; all over the place; train of thought raw.

So I'm sitting here this morning, and listening to some worship music, and I realize how far along I've come. I was so used to living in the law...now that I live in grace, I see how beautiful, kind and loving Papa can be. For so long I blamed the church, or simply didn't care to give it a thought. I didn't think in my leisure time, I'd be listening to worship music on the regular. I hope to raise my kids to think this is the norm. That Papa loves them...that He, indeed, is a forgiving, all gracious Father that accepts us for us. He has unconditional love- truly and unsurpassably unconditional love like no other. That they come to tears just thinking about how much grace He has for us. How they, too, can love freely and know that Papa God is there to protect them. Daily worship and family prayer won't be anything new to them. That's not to say it wasn't new to us, we went to our ridgid church every sunday, bible study classes/ cathecisim classes, we'd listen to Christmas music (not worship music, mind you) every November-January. However, we never were taught that Papa God is so amazing. That His Goodness is so powerful... that we can soak in it everyday. That we have a choice...that "all we have to say is 'Yes' ...a simple 'Yes'..and we take one step and he runs a hundred towards us." (Kate Wegenast)So this is all exciting and new to me...But the point being, when I have kids, this will never be a new concept to them. That in itself, will put them a million miles ahead of me. If just that is my legacy, I'll die a happy woman. :)

YAY!

September 9th 2012 So I’ve started going to church again. It is for people between the ages of 20 and 30, non-denominational. I absolutely LOVE it! The first week, Alyn (Scottish pastor/prophetic) talked about the misconceptions of God. How the image of God is distorted from a kind, loving, accepting God to this… this… God that is borderline evil, that wants you to repent and wants you to be perfect and wants you to say that you are a sinner and beat yourselves about it. Yes, everyone has room to grow- but Alyn also talked about us being made- the way HE wanted us to be! In his own image! “God doesn’t hate you.” He said. This ministry is open to all. What you do is between you and God. I absolutely loved it. He kept saying “and God told me…” like He was having a conversation with another human being…. I was initially a bit jealous. He kept talking about God’s plan for him, and how God told him that he is going to be a prophet and he just kinda…laughed. I kept thinking “wtf!! HOW can you hear God? I’ve been asking Him the same dang question for almost 3 years now and I’m still lost.” (It’s true..I’d be like “God if you want me to do blah blah blah… let so n so call me right now.” No calls hahaha) But then he uttered the magic words. “If you feel like God isn’t talking to you..or if you feel like you’re trying to listen- but you just can’t hear… we have a class that runs for 14 weeks “ SOLD. (Although they weren’t “selling seats” lol) They also call God their “Daddy” or “Papa” or “Dad” … like He were a living, breathing… being that they can touch and just… live with. He is and they do. I’m still very uncomfortable with calling Him Dad or Papa, I always called him Father and so for now, I’m sticking to it. During one of the two worships, Alyn talked about God’s plan for you is SO GREAT that He cannot just tell it to you, because you just might keel over and die LOL. He has to reveal it to you slowly. Didn’t think much of this, but when I was doing my reflecting…. BAM!!! THIS is why I always felt like there HAD to be more …to life..to relationships..to feelings…to emotions… I was just never satisfied! I kept thinking about God’s plan for me. I already knew. I’ve always known. I’ve dreamed about it and spent HOURS UPON HOURS day-dreaming about what it would be like, but I never acted on it because “Everyone fuckin thinks they’re special. Everyone wants that amazing life. Come back to the real world dude!” (HOORAY!! Negative thoughts!) Anyhow, so I have accepted this challenge. I’m going to do it! Every session I feel like something was said that God really was giving me these signs… on which way to go. I also am trying to be a little more social (trying to get that girl back out there!) but I just feel so tired usually after work/ not sleeping on Mondays. When R goes around talking to people, I’ll just stand on the sidelines waiting patiently for us to leave. Sometimes my head hurts; sometimes I go into lala land. Last week R couldn’t make it, so I went to this class by myself. I made one new friend (hey, it’s a feat for a socially inept troll like me!) So things are going well in spiritual front. I’ve been trying to journal more often, trying to relax and meditate as well. I’m back into the gym- in fact, I beat my own personal record with leg presses- I initially started with 15 reps 135 lbs x 2 then 15 reps 215lbs x2 and finished off with 8 reps 235lbs (YES!!)x1. This was AFTER I met with my trainer, and after cardio. So good feelings! Legs are jello right now, but def worth it! So, comin along well! See how the rest goes

It's mah birffday

So It’s mah birffday!! I have to say, I feel especially unfulfilled this year. Every year on my birthday, I ask myself “You have lived for __ years on this earth. What have you accomplished?” Two years ago, I was proud because I worked hard for something and I achieved it. Last year, It was “okay” because I was kind of on track with my goals. This year I feel like I am back in college, doing loser things. Not partying my life away, but I feel like part of my “fight or flight” still remains “flight” when 3 years ago, I had trained myself to “fight.” This time, it’s no particular goal in mind because I want too many things to happen all at the same time, while actually working towards nothing. What’s even more frustrating is feeling like I have blogged about this before. (Even the previous blog about the rants of being bored/ being in a funk…been there done that.) Like, seriously dude…what gives?! What is it going to take? Another life altering change?? While the change was good, what was sacrificed was much larger and I would gladly give it back- so that’s not an option. I just feel like I am making wrong choices/ ones that may not be for me. I feel like I should be much farther than where I am today. While I have these feelings (thanks to my loser college years) generally with my life milestones, this year, I feel like I took a step back. The principal grounds of these “loser feelings” have to do with two things: Financials and Arya (he is NOT the cause of this mind you, but it is more about what I should have done for him and didn’t.) It started when my brother volunteered to help me out with my trip to NJ to see him (which was a feat in itself- thanks to walmart/western union.) I had to switch a few things around with bills just to make it there and back. It really showed me how far behind I am with my financial goals. I make more than enough money and this should not happen. There were externals, true, however the amount of switcharoo’s that happened with bill paying… BAH. On my way there and back with Arya, it became painfully clear how behind Arya is with his socialization. I needed to have him in class as soon as I got him. He should have been neutered the month I got him. All of these things- while my family did remind me of this very gently, I know these are things of urgency that should never have been an issue. Also, during my drive back from jersey, I was thinking about how different my life is here than back at the shore. (Arya’s the one paying for it here… having an anti-social mom n all.) Back in Jersey, I have a TON of friends and when I am there, every single day I am surrounded by people I love. I absolutely love it! However, I do need a TON of me time as well to reflect and think/keep track of life and what not. I need a middle ground. Here, I do have a few friends, but they aren’t as close to me as my Jersey friends are and I only see them via work. I need to build relationships here. You see, when I moved here, I moved in with a s/o. Life was full with his life bleeding into mine. I absolutely HATED it. So, a year later, I moved out. What I am now realizing is that in that year, I did not build any relationships because that “me time” was so rare to find when you live with someone and their child, I treasured being alone. Now that I do live by myself, the” me time” has taken over and there’s no socialization AT ALL- for Arya or me!

Ready for this to be done with

I’ve been in a funk again…. I am bored out of my mind. I cannot go to the gym for another week per doctors advice (yea, I’m one of the few that actually follows the doctors recommendations.) For a while, I thought maybe I was depressed. I had no energy. I’d have days that I was a raging insomniac, unable to do anything other than lay in bed and try to sleep because I was so dead tired. Other days I would not be able to get out of bed. I’d wake up because Arya would cry and I’d barely be able to let him out into the backyard so he could handle his business. Back into bed and I’d sleep for 15-17 hours a day. When I was up, I’d contemplate what to eat, putz around in the kitchen and then eventually go back to bed. This lasted for a good month or so. I finally thought enough is enough (not the song :-P) and forced myself to get out of bed and clean my house. That got me out of that funk. Now I’m at the stage where my house is clean, my puppy gets his walks and I do have some energy, but I am BORED. OUT. OF. MY. FUCKING. MIND. I only work 3 days a week (perks of 12 hour shifts) so 4 off days go by extremely slow especially when the gym is not an option. I took up cooking and I’ve learned it’s not something I LOVE. I do it out of boredom and soon get bored of that quickly as well. I know what you’re thinking “why don’t you do that list of gabazillion things you’ve listed time and again that’d you’d do if you had the time?” I’m on a mission to pay down my debt(and to do that, I need to either stay home OR get in some overtime- BUT census is low, so no OT for me :*( bah.) So this means I have to find things that don’t cost me much. Visiting the Amazon= $$$. I know starting Friday I’ll be okay being that I’ll be in the clear to gym it up. But for now, I can’t stop bitching. And you have to listen to it. :-P I also noticed I was becoming negative. Whenever I opened my mouth, it was either to chime in to agree with someone that was talking about negative things or I was just upset about something. Part of it was me and part of it was whom I chose to surround myself with. I realized there were a few people on facebook that just reading their status updates would get me hypertensive. I started thinking negatively in general. When I realized this, I deleted them off my list to reduce the headaches and bitching. What is helping me stay focused on the positives was the movie A Thousand Words. What if that had to happen to me? Would I bitch about things (esp. in a non-constructive way) and just talk to hear my voice? It’s still a struggle especially once I get started, and even when I realize I have succumbed into this vicious cycle again- It’s hard to stop. I don’t know why. Word vomit. Unpleasant, bitchy, mean, catty word vomit. This is not who I am. I’ve said time and again- I was the fun, crazy, silly carefree girl. I’m still struggling to find her and bring her back. I refuse to give up on her ;)