GoldenSoul

Warning: October is Debbie Downer month!

2011-09-28T19:21:00.001-07:00

Standing in the shower, I was unable to stop crying. I missed my mom today so much more than usual. I didn't know why. Later I realized it is about to be October- that time of the year again. I didn't feel guilt or anything other than missing her. I usually don't talk about it with my siblings in fear that just in case it's slipped their minds, I don't want to be the asshole that reminded them. However, I already know they know too. And they don't bring it up in hopes that I'm not thinking about it. In reality all 3 of us just think about it and get through it in our own ways. When all 3 siblings were in travelling distance, we'd go and have a bbq/ drink. We'd just shoot the shit and have good times. It'd take our minds off of the emotions. But this is the 2nd year that we're all far away from each other, but this year at least the day falls on a weekday. So I know my siblings will be busy. I'll be dead from working the night before, so maybe I'll sleep the day away. I hope.
It'll be 5 years this year. It still feels surreal. Talking about it.. Talking about it logically clears my mind. I've already done that. All the sorting, the finding, the searching ...all of that is done. Conclusion is done too. I've gone to support groups as well. The only thing it facilitates is crying. I can very well do that on my own :-P Whoever said time heals all, lied. It may just make you busier, or make you forget. It doesn't hurt any less. I may have sorted out through the emotions, however the loss is still there. The void is still not filled. It angers me when people say "Oh eventually it'll not hurt as much..." Bullshit. It still hurts. Just as much. I may just not be as confused emotionally.
So I will stay missing my mommy. Till The Big Man Upstairs decides it is time for us to meet again!
Love you ma! *hands you the mic* "iske baare mein aap ka kya khayal hai?" :)

Eat, Pray, Love. My own version.

2011-08-31T12:10:00.000-07:00

I am as much a perfectionist as I am a cancerian, so I have to look at things, analyze it, examine it, study it and then sleep on it (and most of the times, I'll wake up the next day to do more analyzing and examining.) This is how I operate in almost any situation. I like to know what I am getting into. I can't just dive into an unknown and study it as I go along. Nope. The very thought of it sends me gasping for air, needing an Ativan STAT. ~~I think~~ This is my biggest weakness.
I feel lost lately. I have all these mixed feelings about where I am, who I am, who I am meant to be... sometimes one feels right, sometimes the very same thing makes me want to scream and run off into a distance where no one knows me. I feel like there are parts of me that are dying. I don't want them to die, however, I know its not humanly possible to be all of that, add on new roles and still keep on trucking like it comes naturally. Maybe its me- I challenge every thing that society tells me (I never said I win, mind you.) Sometimes I win, sometimes society does. The up side of it is, that in either situation, I'm never disappointed because I know I tired, and I proved to myself one way or the other.
Currently the person that I am-- is so different from where I started. Some parts of it are good, the others, I (and everyone around me) could do without. I feel like certain situations have caused me to have baggage that I do know exists, but I haven't worked on cutting them loose. This, in turn, has become a baggage that I carry around daily, literally. As the figurative baggage piled on, the literal did too. The bigger the baggage, the more mean I became. I mean, the wild shrew in me is definitely ALL me, however I remember being sweet and carefree. I remember smiling and laughing a lot. I remember that the wild shrew would only surface when necessary and it would stun the people that evoked the wild shrew because they always thought of that me as the sweet, carefree girl. But the wild shrew would go back into hiding until needed. Now all that is left is the Wild Shrew. And while I know exactly how I got to this place, I'm not sure why I never stopped myself from becoming a permanent resident.
This brings me to the Eat, Pray, Love title. I saw the movie and first I was kinda like "That's a cool movie." Fast forward a few months later... I started to think about my journey and I realized I had to watch it once more. {I mean, the movie itself is not an epiphany or anything. And I think the end of it was crap. HAHA! I mean, "Sometimes to lose your balance for love, is balance" is not telling me much about balance itself. XD (Yes, I need to be spoonfed about such things.) And again, I refuse to believe that I need to lose my balance for love. }
ANYHOO! While Julia Roberts and the vein in her forehead spend all that money to go to Italy, India and Indonesia (did the airline charge her an extra seat for that vein and teeth? :-P) I was already thinking about the balance of things. I believe this is the root cause of the Wild Shrew's permanent appearance, disappearance of my sweet, carefree self, my general unhappiness and the 3 grey hairs I found on my head that I have so lovingly named after my M. I have to find a balance. And I've never taken the time to do so. Heck I haven't even thought about what is THE most important for me, versus what is important, but not as important :-P. {I think I need to buy the entire section of Borders Self-Help Books ...oh. wait. Borders died. wahhhh!!}

SO, I've come up with these categories: Cannot live without (I) ....Important to have once a month (II)... Important to have every so often(III)...Have to do for life/work commitments (IV).
Here are the list of what's important to me and where they fit into the list:

Volunteer (locally) III

Volunteer in Africa with Dr. Mukwege I (I say this as numero uno because I know this is something I HAVE to do, albeit not daily, but once a year or so. I cannot imagine life without going there every so often)

Workout I I become a different person when I'm not gym-bound.

Cook/ Clean/ Duties of a gf/momma-figure II. (I rated this a II because I feel like it has to be a good balance. As much as I love my M and the little one, I feel like there has to be a clear definition of ME first. The cleaning /cooking/duties come naturally with the love, however I don't think its something that DRIVES my life/fulfills all my goals in life. Ya know?)

Putting time in for Make-up/ presentation of self II. I rate this II as well, because while it is something that I'd like to do, I don't think it defines me. I'm not the go-to-girl for presentations because I am who I am. I know it is important but I also know I can live without makeup :-P (One of my ex-bosses threatened to call TLC's "What Not To Wear" show on me! That was almost a decade ago so don't worry, I'm MUCH better now and do take the time to get myself together XD)

Study/ Learn new things I. It's just a part of me. I'm a nerd. ;) I NEED to learn new things constantly- if not I feel like I am stagnant. That my brain is melting, rotting, wasting away!

Keep up with my RN-giri Toss up between I and IV. Mainly because my patients deserve it and because I need to be the best ;) but also because it is necessary to keep my lic. :-P

Be around my girls/guys! Friendships and Reunions II. I know this should be a I. And if I was living close to my peeps, it'd be a I! BUT I'm approx 14 hour drive/ 2 hour flight away from them so I have to make sure my wallet can handle it. Now while I physically don't go to them every month, I do need to talk and rejuvinate myself by at LEAST talking to them on the phone/chat. They bring life to my life ;)

Nice-ities of life (The House, The Car, The typical things WOMEN want lol!) III Face it, it'd be rad to have, but I'm not going to be upset if I don't have it. I need a car that'll get me from point A to point B {now if that car happens to be a Lexus, WOOHOO! But till then, my 97 "Mama Dean" (you can imagine the condition of the car if I've named her that) will do just fine!} BUT What I do need though (and I'll go ahead and number this a I is ONE room in the house that's just MINE.) Call it whatever you want. I feel like the house, whether I do decorate it the way I want or M and I compromise and decorate it to both of our liking, is going to be used by all family members. So if the M (who has already claimed the basement) gets the basement as a place of solace, I should at least get one room that I can call my place of solace.

Have a PARTNER I This is one of my top priorities-- not so much the "Have a" part..but the "PARTNER" part. I'll be happy single- I've been. (Actually, one of the times that I've been happy and the most myself was when I was single.) My relationship status does not define who I am. BUT I also know that IF I have to be with someone, that person better be a PARTNER in a true sense. People say that a 50-50 relationship does not exist. I challenge that every day. M and I work at it everyday. We may not be THERE yet, but we're certainly closer to it today than we were yesterday. I cannot and will not settle for any less. Thankfully, my M knows this too. ;)

Dogs and Cats and sundry Pets I I have lived with pets all my life. I am a part of them just as much as they are a part of me. :) (I love animals. A lot more than I love humans. Sorry :-P)

Volunteer for Animals- Best Friends or something to the sort II I've wanted to do more with animals (at one point I had enquired to be an Animal Cop in NYC) I've always wanted to impact the animal world somehow.... just don't know how yet! Again, although I don't travel to Utah monthly, I'm hoping while I'm not there, I'm doing something to make a difference in an animals life each month.

Church!! I It's something I HAVE to do. My beliefs and my values aren't something I can compromise on. Praying daily and mulitple times helps me get through the day :)

Go out to places that make ME happy II Being that my M and I have COMPLETELY different tastes in music, I realized I've been mildly (I use the term liberally here)miserable because we've mostly been going to places that play his kinda music. While I'm not completely miserable when there, I do miss .. me. I miss being able to dance the night way, just let go and be happy. Music makes me happy. (Music that I like, that is!)

Write/Read/ sundry hobbies III Because while they do make me who I am, it doesn't define me completely. I do need to go back to reading, writing etc. once in a while, but on a typical day, I don't YEARN to do so.

Travel III Again, I'd love to travel all over the world and see places and just vacation in general (who doesn't?!) It's something that'd be nice to do once in a while. But I cannot just completely cross it off my list of " Things I'll be happy with never doing ever!"

YEP! That's my list. Now I have to work on keeping this list (in order of priority) in my head and balance my life ;)

It's been a while...

2011-04-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while- I have been thinking about death, dying and funerals (no, not of my own even though a few of you out there were wishing I was LOL) I touched on this subject before. A part of the reason I cannot freely open my heart to love is because...of death. A coworker and his partner were together for 22 years. And I'm not talking about 22 yrs of fighting or 22 yrs of "How should I know where James* is?" I'm talking about 22 years of walking to the mail box together, 22 yrs of buying matching scrubs, 22 years of working together and driving together. If you saw one, the other was not 5 feet behind the first. I loved their love. They were my first coworker-friends in this state.

Then Bob* died. Yes, we pretty much knew it was coming. It didn't make it any easier on James. When Bob died, I couldn't get myself to go the the funeral. Ever since my mommy passed away, I just don't do too good at funerals. Booker (an old friend from another job)'s funeral was too tough and ever since, I vowed to not go to another one. I'll send condolences, I'll go and cook (ok, order take out and go there, shut up.) I'll even go and do housework. But I cannot attend the funeral. I saw James the other day. He had lost a lot of weight. The once zestful, funny (James was the funnier of the two- the more outgoing one) and vibrant James had dwindled down. His shoulders looked shrunken, head bowed down and I think his smile has abandoned him for what seems like the rest of his life.

I work with geriatric patients. A solid portion of them have lost their memory but remember their late husbands/wives and wander the hospital hallways looking for them. Usually, if one of the spouse has recently died, the other one follows within a year. Its heart breaking to see them in that year. To die of a broken heart. It's the worst way to go in my book. I cannot imagine loving someone and giving them your all. To essentially lose each other into the other- and then all of a sudden a part of you is gone. I'd go insane. How does one get over a shock like that? Living without your heart- what remains is a carcass that's just waiting for the grim reaper to show up.

Worse if it happens when you're still young, like poor James. How does one even look up- forget look forward? I couldn't say much to him- I just got choked up when I ran into him in the elevator. So I rubbed his arm and stood silently beside him. I wanted to cry. I wanted Bob back. I wanted James to have his smile back. I wanted to scream because it was just not fair. I wanted to run out of the elevator as fast as I could for James was a living testimony of why I refuse to love with all of my heart. Selfish, I know but I hate crying. and facing my fears.
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On another note...I always wondered if there had to be an ethical delimma ...would I just freeze up or I wondered if there was some 'on-off'' button that would be switched 'on' (finally!) and I'd be able to make the right choices...
I had an instance where a patients life was questionably in danger and while it was SO easy to do the right thing- the consequences and drama that follow are unbareable. I believe my "black-and-white" thinking at times causes others discomfort. (but hey, I did my job and my patients were safe!) Hence the name wild shrew.

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Anyhow, so to the topic at hand. We all know I'm a raging feminist and we all also know the word 'feminist' has been used and abused to no bounds. To me, a feminist is someone who is for the liberty and freedom of all women. Freedom. of. all. women. Meaning, if a woman chooses to be a housewife, more power to her. If she chooses to be a scientist, carpenter, secretary so be it. However, what the heck is up with women being so bitchy n backstabbing each other? I mean, haven't we gone through enough? Why the need to pull us down even more so?

I have a theory. If you look at any oppressed group (except the Jews as far as I know in this case) every group has unarguably come very far....however, there are those that pull their own race/group down. I have heard every race say that. African-Americans, Dominicans, Indians, Haitians etc. "Oh! I don't know why *insert owns race here* do that! They cannot see their own go father than them without trying to pull them down!" I'm not sure if it is a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of some sort, where that mentality is ingrained in our being or its just the viciousness of individuals. When a certain group is oppressed, survival rules kick in. Every person wants to make sure they have enough for themselves FIRST. Example, if your family doesn't have food and you see someone carrying a bag of food, you're going to take him down and take that food to your family first. Then you will help out those around you. It is a simple law of survival. So I'm thinking since these groups have had to abide by these laws of survival, it is ingrained in them to be 'on the top- first.' (Now I'm not saying every person in that group does that, but there is a percentage of people who do.) Here the black and white theory may just need some gray area. But I think the same theory more or less applies to women trying to pull each other down. Now, paraphrasing what I said in my July 3rd, 2007 blog: Power, Beauty and the Struggle, we can always count on other people trying to [pull us down.] The least we can do is take our own names off that list. :)

**End Rant**

Anger and frustration

2011-03-02T20:25:00.000-08:00

I am afraid I have gotten myself stuck again...in a rut... I am to blame. I sat on the chair, willingly so, got a nice, long rope and started tying myself up feet first attached to the chair going all the way up to my face. I even gagged myself. All while I was alone in a room with only one way out. Once I was nice and stuck, snug- if you will, I remembered I am claustrophobic in such situations. Then I started struggling; gasping for air. Trying to scream or let out a whimper at least so someone passing by may hear me. I realized the room started closing in on me and I couldn't breathe. And all that shaking and rocking back-and-forth and jiggling wouldn't loosen up the grip of the rope, instead it just made it tighter. My lungs can't expand fully because of the double knot I tied just in case I decided I wanted out. So now starts the process of finding a knife and slowly but surely cutting off the rope from each limb one by one.

I know I've always refused to live like this- regressive ..or stagnant even. Why am I here then? Maybe there's a message that is hidden that I have not read into yet. Maybe it's all a plan- a divine plan that He Himself has conjoured up for me and I just haven't seen through it. In fact, He does not want me to see through it- just go through it with utmost and blind faith.

So that is exactly what I'll do. I'll go through it with utmost. and. blind. FAITH.

30 things to do before I turne 30 revisited

2010-10-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

I updated my 30 things to do before I turn 30 and you can see what I did accomplish and what I did not. A few things on there are kind of an ongoing process so I marked them as "undone" but it doesn't mean I've given up/I am not constantly working on them. But here is the update :)

Things I want to accomplish by July 2011:
1) Prep for grad/doctorate school.
2) Stay focused on why I do what I do.
3) Take that finance class work is offering for free!--- DONE! =D
*will keep adding and italicize as I need/accomplish

So whats your stance?

2010-10-09T22:22:00.000-07:00

I have never been someone to give into peer pressure- this is true with sex, booze, cigs- whatever. I do things on my own time. When I am ready. This has allowed me to form my own ideas, opinions and values without anyone else tainting it with their beliefs. Before I come to a conclusion on where I stand on a topic, I think about it in my own time. I don't just go online/listen to someone else babble on about the topic or read a few articles and then engage in verbal spewage of exactly what I read/heard. Some say I'm headstrong, I prefer the term philosophical/unorthodox :-P But here are a few of my very own conclusions...

1) My stance on The Bible: I am an unconventional Christian. In that, even though I go to church most Sundays, I am not a firm believer that everything in The Bible is set in stone. The way I see it, there are MILLIONS of versions of The *true* Holy Bible out there. There are so many different translations of The Holy Bible, that I'm not sure what is real. With so many different interpretations of it, I feel like the true meaning, the true essence of The Book has vanished into thin air. I feel like some people might have purposely interpreted things to justify their feelings/ justify their prejudices/ justify their means. Everything is so twisted and turned to fit what the majority "feels" is right- it all turns into "Oh But the Bible says..."

I know in my heart what God would want me to do, and I do so accordingly. Now, I'm not saying I'm holier than thou and that I ALWAYS do the right thing. I am human, I get tempted, I make mistakes and sometimes I do it over and over again (example, I'm no virgin, nor am I celibate.) However, I also know when I am truly hurting someone and when I need to stop. For example, my stance on Homosexuality and their marriages. If 2 people love each other- I am NO ONE to judge. Heck, some homosexual relationships are more genuine than hetrosexual marriages. (AND if you are one of the die-hard Bible rule-followers, I better not see "divorce," girlfriend/boyfriend, non-virginity in your past either. Practice before you preach, my brotha/sista.) If these two WILLING people want to partake in the heterosexuals sorrows (LOL) I am no one to stop them. This whole "Oh the Bible says..." thing is a crock of you-know-what to me. Even IF the bible DID say that such a thing is "Wrong" THEN ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE. What was that lil thing in the Bible I once heard..." Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.." YEAH.

My M read this para and we had a discussion about it, and while we both are of very different views, we have learned to accept our differences, agreed to disagree and have moved on. This doesn't mean we don't revisit the topic every now and then, but in that discussion, I said something that I feel I need to say on here as well- For people who think this is "blasphemy," I'm not writing this for shock-value. I'm not saying that The Bible isn't God's Word- I'm saying is, with all the translations...well, the True Bible- the true Word, has been lost in translation. I do not believe that God would refuse me Heaven because I said what I said; because as long as I live the life that I feel God wants me to live (to me, He talks to me through my conscience- I have a clear vision of right and wrong .... truly what is right and wrong...I'm not someone who ignores my conscience for convenience and I know when I did/do something wrong- eg. live-in-boyfriend- I know it's wrong and I won't deny it. But I won't point fingers at OTHER people doing wrong, knowing darn well I do the same thing {be it they do it with the same/opposite sex or not} either.) I feel that if one truly, logically and spiritually (and that is key) comes to a conclusion of what is right and what is wrong and does others no harm, God will not deny you as His child. Being honest with yourself goes a long way, I have realized. Again, if you are doing something like, living together before marriage- you are going against what the Bible says as well!! If you aren't a virgin when you get married, you're going against what the Bible says as well!! So how can you say "oh its OKAY for ME to go against the Bible, but its not okay for them?" Now, not only are you *insert sin here* but you're also a hypocrite.

2)My stance on non-human Life and animal rights: I consider the value of life. I don't see if it is a cat or a dog or a human. I feel like every living creature has his/her/its personality and what we do affects and effects everything around us. People always kill me with this whole "Well, s/he shouldn't really have to be punished so severely ...s/he is a human and that was a dog/cat/animal." Yeah, that's what slaveowners used to say back in the day about their slaves too. Lets legalize that too now.

Now one could argue- "Hey, Goldensoul, if you do value non-human life just as much as the human life, you shouldn't be eating any meat, wear any leather or in that case- even eat any plants- so in essence, we all should cease to exist!" And to that I say, I never said we all need to die. Just like in nature, I feel if it is for survival, then so be it. Meaning, hunting for the purpose of eating- okay. But hunting for the purpose of sport- I hope you get shot in the ass by another idiot just like you. I was vegan for a whole year before I got sick because I went cold turkey (hahha! no pun intended.) I am trying to keep things as organic as my wallet lets me and once my wallet is ready (which, it is very close to being so!) I am switching to all organic/farm raised meat. I think slaughter houses should be shut down. I think farmers should be put in the forefront of the industry. But that just a tree huggin hippy talking. So while I'm wishing, I wish for 400 zillion dollars as well. (Hey, nothing wrong with dreaming big LOL) I think any industry exploiting any life should be shut down (ahh the optimist/idealist in me.)

3) My Values best described: I am a gangster-hippie, minus the weed, add the values. I am loyal- fiercely loyal. I won't mind taking a punch for someone I know that has my back and I don't mind throwing one out for said person either. However, I am all for peace, love and happy-ness. I think if humans just learned to live and let live without judging, medling in other peoples business and worked on our own flaws and faults instead of spending SO much time trying to find it in others, the world would be a much happier place.

4) My thoughts on humans: I also think if humans would stop screwing up this planet, abusing and raping all our resources, we wouldn't suffer from so many ailments as we do today. "But Goldensoul, what about cancer research? Don't you WANT a cure??" Yes, (and this ties into my stance on non-human rights I talked about in point number 2) the first thing I'd have done IS SHUT THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY DOWN BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED. Shut down companies that sell products that screw up our bodies (*cough* McDonalds *cough*). That screw up our brains (*cough* Philip Morris *cough*). Then see how many "natural" ailments you actually have versus the NUMEROUS MAN MADE AILMENTS WE ALL SUFFER FROM. I do realize that this is all idealistic and the economy dictates a lot, my point here is: put things in perspective. So, because we are greedy and want more money, we screw ourselves up- and then exploit innocent animals to find cure to said self-screwing.. INCREDIBLE.
And btw, research can be done humanely. Torturing animals or purposely giving animals ailments so you can hopefully find a cure is horrid. A class in history, with emphasis on Hitlers experiements, might be essential. So to all the people who sleep a lil better at night thinking "at least its not on humans," Remember that animals can feel pain the same as humans- we just don't speak the same language. Their cries are that of pain. The same type of pain humans cried when they were being experiemented on. Organic life may be a little harder, but why the heck have we become so selfish?! To save on time? save on money? EARN money? And then what?! >(

5) My stance on prejudice and stereotypes: We all generally know racisim/sexsim etc. is wrong (well, one would think.) We all know certain words and stereotypes are not funny/cool/harmless (again, one would think.) However, if you're promoting it within your own race/sex- don't be so surprised/upset when a person from another race/sex comes at you the way you come at "your own." Eg. any racial slur that is now used within that own race as a term of acceptance. If you get offended when an "outsider" uses it- be offended when an insider uses it as well. Because when you call a person that- weather you are trying to use it as an endearing term or not- YOU are saying it is OKAY for others to call you that. I get that you are saying "I'm going to make this word powerless by using it as an endearing term." But it could also be argued that well, if it is powerless to you now, it should be powerless when a non-*insert relevant race here* uses it as well. If not, the power is still there. The history is still tied with this word. The pain is still intertwined in the word- and it is not okay for anyone to use these words. (The same goes with women calling their friends "bitches, sluts, ho's" etc-) Let someone call me a bitch (jokingly) and watch how fast you get knocked out. (This is where the "gangsta" part kicks in and "hippie" part takes a vacation LOL.) Now if I really am being one- then that's another story- calling me out on the truth is different from trying to lable my gender as that.

That's all for now... if you want to know what my stance is on something not mentioned here, just ask :)

Life is such...

2010-10-07T14:48:00.000-07:00

Has anyone seen The Forbes Most Powerful Women? I think "Lady" Gaga rating in the top 10 is UTTER CRAP. Forbes says they had groups (categories) and then ranked group against group. Still UTTER CRAP. I mean, in that case, Jay-Z, Steven Tyler and the likes should have been rated among the top 10 most powerful men. If you're gonna compare "who has most balls" (well they called it audacity) then Chuck Norris should be NO. 2. Right after Pres. Obama. Were they? Nope. All this says, is that even today mainstream media takes women + power lightly. So apparently it is "A-Ok" to treat this article with such little regard and importance that "Lady" Gaga is "more powerful" than Pelosi. OR what they are truly saying is that there "just aren't enough powerful women out there to be able to come up with a DECENT top 10 so lets just get all b.s. people up in here.Yeah! Let's!" >(

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I've been battling my previous state and my new state for my license to practice for the past... 3 months now. I finally got things squared away enough where I can actually be around patients finally. What. A. Relief. I have been going out my mind, picking fights about silly lil things with the beau and suffering from insomnia due to lack of intellectual stimulation for the past 3 months. Finally, I start Monday =)

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On a completely different note- I miss giggling like a lil kid and having to pinch my nose 'cause I can't stop laughing and I shouldn't be making any noise... did you guys do that when you were younger? Parents would tell you to shut up and some made a face and all the kids in the backseat would start giggling; pinching noses so as to not let out a giggle and get in trouble all over again- Yeah I miss that.

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Fitness n such

2010-10-04T12:38:00.000-07:00

For the past 2 years my life was consumed with school as first priority and so the fitness route took a back seat. Way back seat. So, almost 2.5 yrs later, I'm amazed that a) I've let it go for so long- even after graduation, pinning, getting a job, moving- I never picked it back up b) I didn't realize how out of shape I have become. I mean I can hardly walk up one flight of stairs while talking and not go into a wheezing frenzy.
So, I joined the gym and I've vowed to do better. I even started a *secret*(well I'm not so sure about the sercrecy being that it IS a public blog --but I digress) blog that'll help me track my goals, successes and failures. I may eventually link the two blogs, but for now, I want to see if this will be beneficial or detrimental to my goal... so wish me luck, cross your fingers , cross your toes and wish upon a star! =D

Lonely

2010-08-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

I don't fit in
this world
mama
Quilt me a quilt
to hide me
and All the
lonely people in
this world
that don't fit
in either...
(c) S.G.

I found this poem scribbled along next to the 2 poems I wrote in 2008 It looks like my writing... it seems so..alien though... so I hope I wasn't jotting down a famous poet haha! I tried to google to no avail...so here it is! :)

Fears

2010-07-21T15:48:00.000-07:00

So, I've been away, accomplishing various things for the past few months (okay, so may be I was away for more than just a "few" months, but I'm here now :-P) and I honestly thought those accomplishments were helping me move forward. I was right- in a way. I am now a professional with real things to lose. I mean I did have things to lose back then- in terms of family and friends, however, I knew that my family and friends would never forsake me and accept me for who I am. Before, my fears consisted of never succeeding/failing, never moving forward with my life, never attaining those 'milestones' that seem to come to 'normal' humans so easily (for me, each of them was a struggle!) Now, however, I fear losing- my license to practice, my job, my future, my life... I thought I was getting a grip of being me and just as I was, just knowing that I have things to lose makes me just that much more scared. And I hate living in fear- you know? I mean who wants to constantly live in fear?! Paranoia gets the best of me you see. I have no reason to fear any of those because I am meticulous and good at what I do (not to toot my own horn :-P) and I know my future and my life are in MY own hands and no one elses. However, how does one knock off that annoying, nagging lil voice that pops up in your head every now and then?
Anyhow, so I've promised myself to be more supportive of myself and stop beating myself up if I am not the first one to 'call' a rare disease when I see something on TV/movie. Although, the feeling is SOOOOO cool when you know something that takes others a few minutes to figure out :-P
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On a completely different note, now that I have a taste of having something real to lose, I have to question- is it truly better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I mean I'm thinking about this and... ok, if you're talking about a break-up of some sorts (be it because of cheating, lying, breaking hearts etc etc) I can understand- but what about loving someone... loving them so much that you cannot bare to think about life without them, spending your entire life together, growing together, changing together, growing old together, knowing each other to the core- and then that person dies before you get a chance to croak- I am not sure if my heart could handle that. I mean I'd be depressed every. day. How can one move forward from there? How can you not breakdown and just...give up??

Now this is only from a taste of finding out about how it feels like- I cannot imagine spending an entire lifetime with that someone and then all of a sudden, one day- they are gone. This is only from experiencing a tid-bit of it and not being able to even think of life without them- I was watching UP (yes, the cartoon, shut up) and to see that old man lose his love- it was heartbreaking! So that makes me question- all that pain.. all that anguish that love brings... is it worth it?? (haha, no no there's no way I will relinquish my love and walk away, I'm just pondering....)

Thank You

2010-05-11T12:42:00.000-07:00

I have to say I have to be the luckiest woman alive. With all the blessings that have been showered upon me by The Big Man Upstairs, I know that I just have to be! I just finished Nursing school and after two long years of torture, I have met many beautiful people. It still feels very surreal and I'm not used to this "time-to-myself" thing and was going stir crazy in the house. Anyhow, I have an agenda for this particular blog and a message to a few people:

Sara: I love you so much, monkeytoes! I really do. You have supported me and without your support (emotional and financial alike ;-D) I wouldn't have been able to even apply to nursing school, forget actually finishing and becoming a full-fledged R.N =D You've constantly put me and my needs before yours and bit your tongue (okay, not ALWAYS hahah but I am sure I needed to hear what you said the times you didn't.) You know that song from Michael Franti you love "My mama told me don't lose you...cuz the best luck I've had is you!" is SO true! It had to be a heck of a luck and blessing to have you as an older sister! Ma is so proud of you!

Patrick: Thank you for all your support as well. Again, without you, I wouldn't be able to finish. You know what you've done for me and I will never forget it either (even if you don't think I know the extent of what you've done, know that somehow, I do.) You are the best brother one could ever ask for. Even if you think my graduation dress is horrid =D I still love you!

Jerry: I'm sure I have put your patience to a test and you've passed with flying colors! haha But babe, thank you for everything! Thank you for waiting patiently night after night while I did my work and THEN talked to you on the phone. Thank you for understanding and loving me unconditionally! Thank you for listening to me explain my lectures to you- I could barely sit through them and I had to, but you didn't have to. Yet you helped! And Thank you for all the help in psych!! You have done so much for my spirituality and my soul...It would have been such a struggle without you reminding me about what's important!

Rezeda: My hunnibunnie... Where do I start? I have learned so much from you. I love how we can make faces at each other through class (if I did that to anyone else, they might've thought I'm a lil retarded LOL) I have enjoyed your company every day. I am so grateful to have you in my life- and it was a blessing to be in every clinical rotation with you. I will miss all the projects we did together... "Let's look for a squeezed heart!!" ... "YELLOW!!!"....not to mention all the infamous 'falls' you have witnessed me take! hahah I have had SO much fun with you and without you nursing school would just plain SUCK! Don't ever change my curious cat =D

Olga: My dear superwoman! You amaze me-you know that? Did I ever tell you? You are an amazing woman. I cannot imagine doing what you've done. You are one hell of a strong woman!Combine with that your wit, your intelligence and your awesome straight up attitude- what more could I ask for in a friend?! I hope one day I'll be just like you ;) I really do admire you. Finally, love, all your hard work has paid off and you deserve every good thing your heart ever desires!

Jane: Can I tell you what an impact you have had in my life?? I only got closer to you this year really, but wow, what a year!! =) Thank you for accepting me with open arms and opening your home to us as well. We've already talked about what you mean to me and what I have learned from you and how much I adore your family...Jane, you will forever be stuck in my heart ;) (does the image of you being in a jail-type-room in a big red heart come to mind? LOL) But in all seriousness, with this chapter of our lives coming to an end, I look forward to a journey with you- where ever it may lead us- I know you'll always have a special place in my heart. I love you!

I know no matter what, we are all in each others lives forever. I love you guys and I am looking forward to another exciting chapter of my life!! You guys mean the world to me. I just hope that you all know that :) MWAAHHH everyone!

Rant....

2009-12-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

So I was watching Kathy Griffin on Comedy Central the other day... and she looked like she had lost (a lil' too much) weight recently and was *still* trying to appear smaller by wearing all black, a corset 2 sizes too small with a shirt that barely buttoned up- I mean you could tell she could barely breathe - and not to mention pants that were 3 sizes too big (and long.) Now- I know I should be the last person to talk about what someone is wearing but even a fashion-idiot like me could tell she was really trying- anyhow! So she mentions that she lost some weight and she went on to explain how she did it- "I'm hungry...I am constantly hungry! That's how I do it!!"

*pause*

Really?? Really Kathy?? Come on! It's not just her though...while flippin through the channels that same evening I heard one of the "Housewives" (err... I'm guessing Real Housewives of Orange County) say "The price of beauty is not eating."

*sigh*

It really irritates me that they even air that shit on TV. Seriously? Is this what you're telling the public? Is this the message you want to give your children? "Starve yourself - that's all!" Whats next?? We'll be takin Whitney's advice on how to roll up a blunt and lace it with coke to get the most of it??? "Oh GIRRRLLL cocaine really makes u lose weight cuz you get so FUCKED UP!! *twitch*" This bullcrap really pisses me off. This is why I've stopped watching TV. It's full of garbage and erroneous shytttt.
I have more respect for women that have and maintain muscle mass (without roids, thank you very much)- now THAT is much harder to do than to give into a sickness or worse- TRAIN yourself to ACQUIRE the sickness!! Sistas- get ya head out of ya ass and take care of yourselves!!!

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On a completely unrelated note, 15!!!!!!!!!!!! DAYS till I see my happiness =D

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I've also seen a surge of young punk kids using the N word. They are not black, don't even pretend to be (ok some of 'em do pretend) and they call someone else of another descent the N word.... Now let me tell ya... these are the same kids that flinch when something larger than a testicle comes flying at them... go around trying to be "thug" n shit. I swear- have these kids even opened up a history book??? Do they know where the word gets its root from? Do they know that even black people (with half a brain) don't talk like that?? They look like ignorant uneducated fools, I say! Then people whose concept about black culture is eons away from reality look at these fools and think thats how the real black folk act and hence the fuckedupness of this nation (well, at least when it comes to race issues.)

If I hear another preteen use that word I'm going go GHETTO on their asses. Madea ain't got shit on me! lol (j.k Tyler Perry..but we gon' talk about you in the next blog too ... so wait your turn!)

ahh...

2009-10-27T18:52:00.001-07:00

Tired AND sick? just the way to be *wink*

*sigh*

Random Randoms

2009-10-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

Was tagged by Jace-Face I refuse to tag someone else and put 'em thru' the torture of what my dear friend Jace-Face has put me through- so here we go:

10 years ago

I was 19

was outgoing, popular, pretty and the lust of many men and at first, I was innocent.

Then I took advantage.

was very lonely.

Understood why boys were so nice to me and I took advantage

I made many lifepartners who still to this day have pieces of my heart. (However, I don't recognize these pieces anymore...just know that they are missing)

Popularity meshed up all my nights and days into one giant heap of fuckmylife. Mommys lil innocence was still sweet, still raging... just a lost soul

life goals were met- I was the center of this dying universe

5 years ago

I was 24

fulfilled the role of a great girlfriend- my perception- not his. His changed so very often and after 4 yrs of chasing a perception that was not mine... my moods could not keep up

Got lost in giving my then boyfriend everything I had and happily did so

was still very lonely...only found a mask called "my love" (which in itself was a lie..and it helped me cover up another lie ...and all was well in this world)

Realized I had no life goals and they therefore were never un-met. Just un-made.

Quickly and grudgingly confessed

Dove headfirst into 9 feet deep water knowing damn well I couldn't swim. But I learned.

Relearned how to crawl, walk and it helped me run just a lil faster... a lil more sure that my weak ankles, brittle bones and wobbly knees will hold me up! :)

Last year

Switched my life goals but was happy with it

I fell in love with academia ... not for the booze not for the sex not for the nights spent at bars and not for the freedom of fuckery. But solely for the freedom of academia.

Questions floated around my head: What the fuck did you just do?!?!

Immersed myself in books and love and poetry.

Realized I am not lonely... I love the peace and quiet of solitude

Still did not overcome procrastination (and as you can tell it still has not changed)

Loved myself ... swept myself off my own feet and it was the best I'd ever had... yet. I was content.

Yesterday

I fell in love with a martial artist.

realized I love sharing this solitude only with a select few and yet - I have to kick them out to relearn myself every now and then.

I laughed, stressed, felt silly, beautiful and I ached. I wanted to finally be home someday soon.

Wondered if I'll ever fulfill all my dreams especially with life always making its own demands and agenda on MY time...

10:18

2009-10-07T17:46:00.000-07:00

10:18
I am trying to read my book but I cannot stop thinking
10:18
I think about what went through your head ..thoughts like stray bullets
penetrate through your chest and as you cried out
no one listened.
10:18
Now my mind is like a whirlwind of emotions
It wont stop no matter how loud I turn on the music or how much i grind my teeth
or how hard i use the palm of my hands to press on my ears to
MAKE IT STOP!!!!!
10:18
The numbers keep ringing in my ear like a haunting chant that is consuming my life

Here i fucking go again... turning this into something about me.
10:18
My mind is like a whirlwind of emotions because you see
the same blade that cut through your veins are now severing mine
from my heart bleeding into my lungs and I'm drowning
in my own diluted blood
I am choking and as I gasp for air
my head barely above the water
drowning
in a sea of your tears
in a sea of your blood

Here i fucking go again... turning this into something about me.
You see I dread thinking about what you must have gone through that night
so I turn everything I write about every thing that I spew everything that comes out of my mouth.. into something about me.

10:18
The demons that haunted you must have been bigger than the love for your son
your son.. your sun... must have... gone down
and with the the dusk he took your soul
10:18
The demons that haunted you must have been louder than the shrieks of your children
louder than the hits of your husband
louder than the sermons and church bells
10:18
Your body has finally found peace
and it lay there ... so peaceful ... ur muscles..relaxed
your soul has been set free
10:18
As your free soul wanders this earth in the guise of an angel
you still are your childrens angel protecting us
from all the him's in this world from all the harms in this world
10:18
keeps going around in circles and in circles and it makes me dizzy
nauseous because the circles won't stop spinning like a rollercoaster ride gone wrong
its going faster and faster as days go by and 10:18 comes closer
10:18
I realize they weren't demons that took you away
it was a choir of Angels that He sent for you
You were hand picked by Him and a chariot was sent for you
A special plan laid out for you by Him
and
10:18
we should not mourn but celebrate your freedom

Inner conflict

2009-10-05T19:03:00.001-07:00

I don't know which one I should be today....

I write in fear...I write nonetheless...

2009-09-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

In fear that... my nursing school friends are gonna kill me for spending time doing things OTHER than school related assignments
In fear that... ya'll might see a different side of me (yeah not one of the wild shrew poems lol)
In fear that...my sister is going ot jump to conclusions (haha looovetthhh ya!)

But ...enough with the disclaimers and confessions... here is one I just wrote ..raw..not revised (and I refuse to) ... so do read, comment and lemme quote Erykah Badu and say ...Keep in mind I'm an artist (ok far frm it) and I'm sensitive about mah shit! ...:-D

"Us..United"

I want

...to be your sweetness- it is all that I need
...to be your queen- is all I need to be pleased
...to be your wife, your boo, your love, my life
...to be the apple of your eye- your angel in disguise

...to feel secure in your presence-
and your absence too

And I want
...you to love me forever-
sweet, sensual and wild

...to be the Goddess
that will one day carry your child

I want
...you to know that I will always respect you
and support you in all that you do

...that your struggles will be our struggles
and your achievments ours too

...that our disagreements will
always lead to love-making

..and our love-making...well....

And I want
…you to know only One
will come before you

…that no matter what
we will always be together
to make
One heart,
One love,
One family

Just Us
...United.

R.I.P. King of Pop

2009-06-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

R.I.P. Michael Joseph Jackson ( August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009)
You will be missed.

Gone but never forgotten

A few things on my mind...

2009-06-22T15:34:00.000-07:00

Road Rage

What the fuck is up with MORONS on the road? DMV needs to do a better job with giving people their drivers licenses. I mean, why is it that when someone sees a car flying toward them, they feel the need to pull out quick like they got a dying loved one in their little fucking Geo-Metro and need to get to the hospital yesterday- but once they are on the road, proceed to drive 35mph …on a 50mph road?? And for that matter, why do people (esp. from PA) feel the need to pull out like they gotta take a shit and they just spotted a toilet across the ways-cut through 2 lanes of traffic - to jump onto the left lane- then proceed to drive 5 miles BELOW the fucking speed limit?! Oh and if you have a car that has 0 pickup and you’re trying to pull out from a parking lot that’s on the left side of the road- WAIT till it is appropriate to pull out!! If you see ONE car on the left lane- and a few on the other 2, wait for the mothaloadin car to pass before you screech out in front of that ONE lone car and then try to gain speed- it will save you the embarrassment of looking like a “special” animal trying to keep up with the rest of the herd (and maybe the embarrassment of someone flippin you the bird while cussin you out as they drive past you…and yes, you deserve it.)

Yeah, I know they say that road rage is just a sign of un-dealt subconscious issues- I have news for you- EVERYONE has issues they have yet to deal with so kiss it. When I’m trying to get somewhere- be competent or get off the daggone road :-P

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Gender codes:

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while. Back when I was in college (the first time round,) a male friend of mine wanted me to play matchmaker and hook him up with a female friend. When my female friend asked me about my honest opinion, I gave it. Given her past, I thought he’d be a bit immature for her. The relationship (so far) worked out. A few years later, my male friend contacted me saying “Oh, so… Vicky told me you told her that I’m immature..??” Now I did say that, yes. What baffled me though, was that she broke THE code. FTW?! Seriously ya’ll… what’s wrong with this picture?! How dare she go break THE code cause she’s gettin some now?! I don’t care if it was umpteen years ago! I don’t care if you’ve been together for a ga-ja-ba-jillion years now. Ladies: Just- Don’t- Do- It! It’s called a woman code for a reason. Your man WILL NOT UNDERSTAND. Hence the term WOMAN code. Do not go blabbering shit just cuz you think you’ve finally gott him. When a female friend trusts you and gives you her honest opinion and you go against it, it STILL does not give you the right to put yo’ girl all out like that!! Dayum. Where's the loyalty? I know that's your man... but what's that sayin..bros 'fo hoes? (Not that her dudes a hoe lol) Venuses before Penises (yeah I just came up with that...I feel so smart!) This is why I like being by myself. People tend to forget shit quick! :-P

Now same goes for you gentlemen… if you think ol’ girl is cool and “she’d understand” ….or think “my chick ain’t like everyone else… she knows boys will be boys…” DON’T-DO-IT!! Keep your Boys club gossip in the boys club. Pillow talk is great- I recommend it, I love it. But keep some shyt to yo’self! Lol

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Misleading TV shows

Yes, it is just a TV show- but you’d be surprised how many people get their “edjumakaschun” from TV shows. Thus, it is my responsibility to call out the bullshit shows- at least the ones that I watch that are my field-related.

#1 On my list is one of my favorite shows: Scrubs. J.D., I have watched you from your first day as an eager intern to the new interns you have now. I still continue to watch you because- well- I secretly wish I had a best friend like Turk that would do stupid shit with me and have a good laugh about it. Anyhow- I don’t have a problem with you per se. I do have a problem with Carla having time to go socialize with ALLLLL the docs and I think I’ve seen her about 5 times with a patient. What nursing position allows you to do that? I know she is now a Nursing Supervisor- but when Turk first started dating her, she was “just a (lowly) nurse” So- now, remind me- how does a nurse- a pool nurse at that get away with socializing like she’s in a night club filled with doctors and never has a code- never has a fuckup- never cries because the job is too much on her??

#2 On my list is another one of my favorite shows: House, MD. I’ve been on hospital floors quite a few times now ;) and I have never- in my entire tiny lil career- seen a doctor start an IV (unless 2 nurses first try-twice each, the IV therapy nurse isn’t on call and even then, there is some hesitation in calling the house doctor “just to start an IV line”), start a foley or give meds to patients (bwahahah) Let alone the fact that throughout the series, a nurse is rarely present in the room- like the docs do it all… *rolls eyes* Do you know what *most* docs do? They look at the patient, they scribble (like they are writing with their left foot) in the patients chart, and move on to the next client. Except for this ONE doc I had the pleasure to meet- who was excellent with patients. (side note: I already told my fam- if I ever get sick, I want HIM to be my MD…he’s that good!) So please Dr. House, I request that you and your staff stop misleading the poor public like this, and give credit where necessary.

#3 HawthoRNe: When I’m on the floor, I barely have the time to sit down to document- how, pray tell, do you have time to go visit with friends outside the hospital or visit your daughter in school- and be back in the hospital for the next emergency? Hmm… “did you clock out when you left hospital grounds?” Tsk tsk…. I mean, I know you’re a “Nursing Supervisor” and all, and apparently you have a time machine that lets you be present for board meetings and hover over your short staffed floor, meet up with each of your nursing staff personally and yet magically appear in places OUTSIDE hospital grounds when needed? Impressive!

#4 Nurse Jackie: So far, you’ve been kickass! However, just like HawthoRNe, how is it that you have time to fuck the pharmacist, work as much as 80 hours per week, be a preceptor to a first year nursing student, go home to two kids- both below 10 yrs of age, fuck your husband- still be up before the rest of your family to fix your kids lunch- all while having your make-up on? Oh..right… it’s the percs! Never mind ;) And speaking of the Nursing school student- do some justice- Clinicals are the most stressful part of Nursing school- if you have a right professor precepting you. You don’t just get to la-di-da and relax and twirl around in a chair- neither is “go get your stethoscope from the MD” the biggest task on a nursing students plate. Again, give credit where necessary! I beg of you. Gracias.

(I will continue to add to this list as necessary…)

On stereotyping your own race...

2009-06-12T17:28:00.000-07:00

I've been in the U.S of A. for a good 11 years now and I never fully understood the cliquey-ness of the Indian culture here. Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I'm not attacking ALL INDIANS EVERYWHERE- I know, I haven't had the pleasure of meetin' and greetin' with my peoples from the motherland who have settled in states other than New Jersey -nor have I met with every Indian settled in NJ- so I'm not generalizing ...just accounting for my personal interactions... Anyhow ... where were we? Oh! Right! Indians- So, my sister jokes that my circle of friends always looks like the United Colors of Benetton ad and I never thought anything of it because I made friends based on personality and never on looks (which you would think is the norm...but apparently not :-P)
Back when I was in college, I never paid attention to what someone wore or how they looked- if they were cool, they could be my peeps. But not with the Indian kids on campus. Nu-uh. You had to dress a certain way, act a certain way- be a certain way (i.e a full-fledged Indian.) One day my girl Angie and I were in the cafeteria and the "cool" kids walked in. I commented about the mob-mentality and wondered why they always gave me the cold shoulder. That's when Angie said "Gurrrrrl, that's cuz you gots some soul in you! You know you don't look Indian! I thought you were from one of the Islands!" I was shocked at first because I never paid attention to the differences as far as looks was concerned but I took it as a compliment (Don't get me wrong, Indians can be BEAUTIFUL... but damn ...some of the stank ass attitudes I've come across negates any hotness)
Anyhow, a few years later, I was back down in South Jersey and my coworker named Shweta was telling me about her parents. She continued to say "Well, you see, in the Indian culture..." I laughed and said ..."Who you tellin'? I know! I AM INDIAN!" She was shocked to say the least. After a few punches in my arm and a few more "NU-UH!! YOU ARE?!"'s she continued with the story then proceeded to invite me to go bowling and shoot some pool with her friends. I accept and meet them at the spot and order a beer. Her friends were all Indians and mostly guys. NONE of them seemed to want to talk to me. Even after the formal introduction, they all pretty much wanted to steer clear of me. Then I hear whispers and I hear Shweta say "No... dude..she's Indian!" (Later I asked her what that was all about and she said they were wondering why she invited me- a non-indian -for the night out) As soon as she said "She's Indian!" I hear a sigh of relief and 4 guys come up immediately and start talking to me. So what? Now all of a sudden because I'm Indian I'm cool? How do they know that I'm not really this devious, bitchy, daughter-of-satan, wretched wench of a female? How does being Indian make me a good person? How does it mean that I have the same morals and values as them? (Since we evidently don't share the same morals and values- And I'm not saying mine are better than theirs or theirs better than mine- it's just different is all I'm sayin') It kinda disgusted me and I must say that I never hung out with them again.
I do get that some people are more comfortable with their own culture or a certain culture... however just because I was born to Indian peoples does NOT mean I am a certain way. It doesn't mean you know me or that you know what I like/prefer. That's worst than someone from outside my culture stereotyping that I have already been 'promised' to man who more likely than not is close to my fathers age. These are MY people.... telling me I have to adhere to certain unwritten, foolish rules and regulations lest I be labled an outcast. I know that even in the melting pot called the U.S.A, every race, every culture, every ethnicity has their own cliques and each clique has their own requirements that one must fullfil. I'm just not ready to accept that I must change who I am to fit in somewhere. Like my idol StaceyAnn Chin says " I want to go down in history in a chapter marked miscellaneous because the writers could find no other way to categorize me ....In this world where classification is key I want to erase the straight lines... So I can be me!"

It is...

2009-05-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

...that time of the year again.

Happy Birthday Ma! I miss you!

Your daughter
S

Hah! I'm not commitment phobic OR gay!

2009-04-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

So I've realized...I only crave a relationship when I'm bored. I don't really want a relationship...I have to be honest, everytime I felt I was getting closer to someone I felt claustrophobic. I wanted to RUN as fast as I could (and I did.) I especially got that feeling if the guy actually liked me back. Not to say I like the asshole-who-treats-me-like-shit-types. I don't give those types the time of my day really. I'm talking about genuinely nice guys- who I know any girl would be lucky to be with. (Except for me, of course haha)
For the longest time I felt like it was a sign that I was meant to be single, or my soulmate just did not exist or as my friends always said....I was "afraid of commitment." Today, in the midst of my cleaning frenzy, I realized: I just like cuddling. I mean, I do want the closeness with someone- physically, mentally and emotionally- but at this point in my life, I don't want to be "tied down." I guess that's why I run away from 'potentials' because I know I'd only end up hurting them because I don't want 'more.' (And face it, when you're really feelin' a girl... what guy wants to be the 'emotional booty call' guy without getting anything else in return?)
I'm also afraid of getting into the relationship rut. Even if it is a good relationship. Why must I feel the need to spend time with someone when it's not really convenient? (Yeah, I'm talking about being really busy but having to call/txt/see the person even if it is for 5 minutes...or even just giving them status updates just to let 'em know you didn't forget about them or them about me. If there isn't something substantial to talk about- don't call me- unless of course we're both free and both bored.) I think that's why most of my 'good' relationships have been the long distance ones. I still feel the closeness, except I don't feel the need to constantly check in with or visit the person.
On the flip side, I don't just want a fuckbuddy either. I don't want anything physical necessarily . I guess...I just want a really REALLY close friend who I know won't hold me back from doing me. (And why does this friend have to be a guy? Cuz I like cuddling with men. haha!)
I know it's very uncharacteristic of me but I'm petrified of finding a dude up here then having to break up anyway because I want to move to the south and he does not (And I am moving to the south.) I know I will be happiest in a warm weather state. I know it will change my life for the better simply because the sun makes me happy. I know so many females who would LOVE to move to a warm state, but cannot do so because of relationships/significant others. And throughout the winter they complain and bitch n moan about the snow and cold... I guess "true love" doesn't keep ya warm at all times, huh? ;) haha. The way I see it...an individual has all these dreams and aspirations and this 'ideal future' planned. Then they get distracted by a male/female and then the next thing you know you're settling for a state you barely like, in a job you barely like, in a house you barely like and then you realize...you're with a person you barely like (hah Ok, maybe not the last part) I know I know..I'm going to get so much crap for this post.. but its true!! Don't come to me with some crap about "oh but true love...will conquor all...will make you love the life you're living.. etc etc" What about the life you imagined for yourself before outside influence?? or "when you're with that special someone nothing else matters..." lemme tell ya... it don't matter who I'm with...when I'm cold, I'm a bitch. ;-)

Song I'm currently feeling...

2009-04-07T05:55:00.000-07:00

"I won't see my dear friends as much

Male friends especially, I'll no longer be in touch

I'll change my hobbies to match yours

I'll stop reading my favorite books

I won't spend all this selfish time alone

I'll cater to you and hang on your every word

I'll be subservient and spineless

I'll lick your boots as empty shells

I'll be opinion less and silent

I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I'll re-define self-sacrifice

Live my life as apologetic compromise

I'll know you'd leave if I rock the boat

I'll be subservient and spineless

I'll lick your boots as empty shells

I'll be opinion less and silent

I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I feel this, truly proclaimed will help the curbing of this tendency
I know this sharing of shame will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily

I'll be low maintenance and agreeable

I will not talk about my dreams so much

I'll listen to you for hours, won't need anything

I'll be subservient and spineless

I'll lick your boots as empty shells

I'll be opinion less and silent

I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I'll be subservient and spineless

I'll lick your boots as empty shells

I'll be opinion less and silent

I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself

I feel this, truly proclaimed will help the curbing of this tendency

I know this sharing of shame will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily"

Alanis Morissette "Spineless"

Something...somewhere...

2009-01-07T16:59:00.000-08:00

It's slipping ....I can feel it.
Soon
Loss
Uncontrollable
Empty

Alone

Why so scary? I wonder.

A recap

2008-12-18T17:11:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've blogged...and a close friend told me that I sound so unbelievably negative on my blog, it does not capture the 'real' me at all. So, I decided to read a few of my past entries and wow... all I can say is I sound like a pessimistic, negative, cynical, bitter bitter woman. But this is just one part of me. Yes, it is a part of me, and I do stand by my work. My friend Charleston put it well...

(after reading one of my poems)
*silence*
(a good minute later)
"I thought you'd write about pretty butterflies and rainbows"

Well said. I have many "dimensions " to me, if you will. The blogs I write about are usually the things that I wonder about- things that bother me- things that I haven't yet figured out. So, please don't assume that this is ONLY what I stand for- or this is the ONLY thing that's going on in my life. Do get to know me before you judge me, will ya! :)

Why am I single?

2008-12-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

{transported from my other blog}

So people keep asking me why I am single.
#1 Being single is not a disease.
#2 Single does not equal lonely and sad.

There are a few morals and values that I will absolutely not compromise. I have an unsatisfying need to befriend myself with others whose standards are as high as my own. I know it seems negative, but is it possible to love and respect a spouse that harbors ideals that completely turn you off? Opinions are something you can compromise and learn to respect, but I am talking about the deeper, underlying motive and drive of the person. I work with fierce intensity toward my goal-however menial it may be and I have an imperative need for some connection or fusion with another which will prove sensually fulfilling, but which will not conflict with my convictions or sense of fitness. There aren't too many men who are for Womanism. Few understand the concept. Minority rights? Animal rights? Add to it a necessity for absolute and complete loyalty along with honesty, trust and unconditional love...well, you see my problem now, don't you?

Another reason being, I refuse to settle. Just because someone is good to you doesn't mean he is good for you. When I think about it, I've been proposed to too many times and I've always declined, mainly because deep down inside, I knew that that guy wasn't for me. Don't they say, "When you're in love, you'll know"...well, I don't even know what "love" is in that case. I've learned from the past relationships, so I am in no way saying that they were a waste of time, but I do know what I am looking for and what I don't want in a relationship. It may seem like I'm asking for the world and then some, but I don't ask for a thing I couldn't offer myself.

I have also learned to never keep my mouth shut when I'm being wronged. Too many guys aren't down with that. I don't take shit from anyone, my mother taught me well. I know how I should be treated and what I deserve. Unfortunately for me, that's not a good thing. But I manage to see past these obstacles. Life has far more to offer and there are still important things to be achieved-- life must be experienced to the fullest. I am aggressive in pursuing my objectives and I tend to become deeply involved with whatever I am working on. I need someone who will be there for me at the end of the day, but will let me 'fly' and do my own thing per se. I don't believe in the "better/other half" concept either. In my opinion, 2 grown, independent, WHOLE individuals should come together to compliment each other not complete each other. Just like they say "You have to learn to love yourself first, before anyone else can love you," shouldn't you already be mature, complete, happy and satisfied with yourself before you can make someone else happy?

Untitled

2008-12-16T18:00:00.000-08:00

I have learned to eat with my mouth
but not be the voice of hope
I have learned to watch meaningless shows with my eyes
but not be the witness that bears a soul
I have learned to click the keys on my keyboard hour after hour
but not build for others- or for myself
I have learned to cuss up a storm and recite word for word
the songs that degrade young women and I have learned
to use my hands to shove food down my throat till my
gut begged me for mercy and I have learned to
waste away my life sitting on the couch
or masturbating to porn for countless hours

Wasting away my minutes, hours, days, years, life...

Then came the need
then came the need to be involved
to be involved in something greater than
myself- the need to be
so engrossed so lost so
deep that I forgot to feed my crying belly
to be in love, to love
to love what I am involved in
to love so much that it didn't matter anymore
that both my socks didn't match or
that I forgot that I had stuck 4 pencils in my unkempt hair
in my quest to find and contribute
i forgot that I was in public and that bad habit that I have-
of scratching my head when I'm concentrating- yeah, I was doing that again
to forget all that is around me and to forget
that it is cold and it is snowing and my
little fingers can no longer hold my pen
because they are numb and I hate the cold
I HATE the cold but it didn't matter because
I am involved and so is my body
because I am in love
because I have a cause
because I am a cause
because
I am.
- S.G

Impossible w‘Oman

2008-07-11T17:34:00.000-07:00

She know what she want w‘Oman

A take no crap w‘Oman

The “I am not your mother, your sister, your babysitter” w‘Oman

A type that wants it all w‘Oman

Never be satisfied w‘Oman

stands up for what she believes in w‘Oman

give my heart, my soul, my body, my dome, my mind, my temple for my King w‘Oman

never comes second w‘Oman

The one that got away w‘Oman

The one that will never look back w‘Oman

The “damn she’d make a man happy” w‘oman

the “she gives her all …but damn it she expects the same thing back” w‘Oman

Will not settle for any lesser than I deserve w‘Oman

Queen w‘Oman

Beautiful w‘Oman

Passionate w‘Oman

Righteous w‘Oman

Lone. w‘Oman.

- c 2008 S. G.

Cheezit time!

2008-06-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

"Dear Shirley:

Congratulations! You have been accepted to the Fall 2008 Nursing class..."

:-D
:-D
:-D

A cynical look at the aftermath

2008-06-13T19:26:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else noticed how as the nature of ones relationship changes its course, the attitude of the person changes as well? I'm not talking about victimization in intimate relationships-I'm talking about a couple mutually agreeing and parting ways and in that quick second that the decision of separation is made final- everything changes. These changes are not partial to one side either. Majority of the times, both parties are guilty of similar actions. All of a sudden, the person that once captured your heart- the only person in this whole wide world that could make you laugh through the saddest of times- is out for blood. Ok, I'm exaggerating (well, sometimes this does hold true) but did you ever notice the change in an ex's demeanor toward you?

I do understand that with the change in the name of your relationship, it is no longer his/her job to do certain things- but ever notice how quickly one can stop caring about the person they were, at one point, the most intimate with? What does that say? Was everything just fake? Now that you're not gettin' any, you automatically no longer have to care? So does that mean... you only cared because you were gettin' some?

What is even more confusing is the subtle changes that can be noticed just in the way one talks or interacts with his/her ex significant other- sometimes the tolerance is lowered to that of dealing with a total stranger or an imbecile even sometimes. Or when there is blatant disregard of the other's feelings. All this tells me is that... a) either their love was conditional or b) involved people were deceitful in sharing their true personality...
Maybe I am being too naive or optimistic (imagine that!) in thinking that the feelings of the other person ought to be considered. The very least, it will show character!
Either ways the remedy may be quiet as simple or complex as a person wants it to be, no?

Re: Sudan

2008-05-31T16:09:00.001-07:00

Just plain because they are women
they are left to die
they have no last names tying them
to Bor or Nuer

But are still left there...to die

So don't sit there
drinking your ice cold Budweiser
Tellin me "They are
ignorant and therefore die."

Because if that was the
case neither you
nor your mother should be
alive.

c 2008 S. G.

Broken Wings

2008-05-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

I am a good idea

a good intention

I am todays trash
your yesterdays gold
Broken wings
with pieces missing
-------------------------------------------------------

While you were busy
loving me
I was busy
hating me

-------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday

I cried and cried

and I had no reason why
Then I realized

it was your birthday

Education

2008-05-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

I have been a witness (not a victim, mind you) to what happens when ones basic and primary rights are snatched away. I know how the story ends when you are born and bought up to believe that you are inferior; that just because you were born without a dick, your education, your happiness, your life and your needs come secondary to that of your brothers. As a minority I have witnessed racism (and everyone is so shy to give it a name in fear of being labeled “uppity.”) I have heard snickers of uncaused white boys in the back row of a class when a black female talked about her life experiences as a young lesbian. My self-education started only after I left a four year University that severely failed in providing me with a proper, unbiased education. I have wept after realizing the history of America that I read in my high school text books- was just a story; a fiction knitted by someone who deemed himself patriotic. Omission, twists of the truth and blatant lies guised as the legitimacy fabricates a story that teachers themselves swallow then feed the children the same bullshit they digested in their quest of being a good student. As a naïve, untainted teenager I thought “Education is a wonderful thing. Education will light up this world and bring forth liberty and justice for all.” Yes, It was the omission of education that kept and still keeps Black America down today. It is the lack of education that still keeps Jamaica predominantly homophobic today. It is the lack of education that still lets India sell her young into arranged marriages while the legal system looks the other way. Education: the fabric of our life.

As a child my mother always encouraged me to seek higher education so I could become rich and have my own money. Having my own money would mean security of life. She would reiterate that having money would give me financial freedom, which in turn would give me emotional freedom, which in turn would give me the freedom of choice. The freedom to leave (an unhappy home) when I want to, the freedom to live (a life I choose) the way I want to, the freedom to fuck (whoever my little heart desires) how I want to and the freedom (and power) to walk away. But is this where the role of education ends? People have stopped wanting to go to school for an education. Here is a generation that looks at education as a means to an end. Why is it that children of artists and song writers and rappers and athletes do not aggressively pursue an education that is as available to them as a prostitute available to a hundred dollar bill? (In many ways, education is a prostitute that only serves the rich) What about life lessons? What about being able to get away from the opinions and views of only your parents and venturing out to gain the opinions and life takes from other venues? MONEY has blind sighted us from the other benefits of an education. Unfortunately, we now stop pursuing an education once we are financially stable (or happy with where we are.) Growth must come from within and must be constant. The want and need for knowledge does not end with financial security. Every aspect of our life is influenced by education. Knowing and not knowing makes the difference
In life and death.
In war and peace.
In loving and hating.
In arrogance and ignorance.

Education: it is The fabric of our life.

By yours truly

2008-05-14T14:25:00.000-07:00

This silly wifery
sittin' pretty with her canary
while her husbands out
continuing his fuckery.

----------------------------------------------------------

A Few Good Men
It isn't that
there aren't any good men remainin', darlin'
They are everywhere:
taking a walk in the park
shopping in the mall (yes, the same mall you buy your clothes from ,uh huh, believe that)
at church
in your
English Lit. class
at your local coffee shop

He may not wear
the finest clothes
or drive
the flashiest cars
He may not be able to turn your head
but he sho' gots your back

My problem, darlin'
is that there are WAAAYYYY too many good men
to pick only one from...

Ain't it funny

2008-04-15T19:04:00.000-07:00

...how things work out? He sure does take good care of me! I have recently been in a 'funk' and this 'funk' has lasted all semester. I have managed to pull through though. Still maintaining my 4.0 - just not actually earning the 4.0. I'm just 'gettin by' by putting in enough to get a 90+ and not aiming for that 100. Anyhow, so this week was especially bad. I had a major Anatomy and Physiology exam and- I slacked. So much so that I didn't even bother listening to the lectures or reading the whole chapter. It ain't that hard to do- but alas, I didn't.

I went to school half trying to suppress the anxiety and trying my level best to not freak out last minute by telling myself "Let's just see how this goes..." (yea right!) My friend K calls me up and says "Hey Shirlz! Class is canceled!! Class is canceled!! Exam isn't until next Tuesday!!!!" (yes, K was so excited that all those exclamation points are necessary in capturing all that enthu :-P) I immediately did a tiny little victory dance in the library after which the Librarian told me to quiet down. I thanked God for yet another salvation and promised to stud stud study my butt off for this exam ;) so far, so good =D

I love you God!! =D *hugs n kisses*

Questions that fload around...

2008-04-08T18:34:00.001-07:00

What makes a person stay in a relationship that is clearly not healthy? Yes, in some cases people don't really know any better (whether they were conditioned to think thats how a relationship should be... or be it they don't realize where their relationship is heading until it's too late.) But what about the relationships that are so far gone that it is apparent to everyone -including the 2 participating in the relationship?

Being a woman, and having several failed relationships myself, I know why a person would walk away. A few of my girlfriends were in relationships that were abusive- emotionally and mentally. Going into specifics, I have 2 girlfriends who, when I was going through my bad relationship with (lets call him T), went through their own bad relationships. We shared our joys, our tears, and our laughters. We cried, consoled and helped each other through the trying times. The only difference was that I walked away from my bad relationship (and stayed away) and they broke-up and then made-up within a weeks span. They chose to stay. Agreed, each relationship is different. Agreed, I didn't "love" T but at the time thought I did love him. However, the things all of us went through were so painfully similar, it was what actually bonded us together.

I often wonder why these girls stayed in their relationships. When I asked them I got matter-of-fact responses- "I love him that's why." "Sometimes you have to work things out." "We've been so long together, it was only natural." Sometimes I wonder if these girls had actually given themselves enough time to get over these guys would they have actually moved on? Would they be happier?

Maybe I just need to let go of grudges, but after seeing the good, the bad and the ugly, (and the ugly triumphed over the good... trust) I had to leave. One is married now, the other still in a tumultuous relationship and I'm still single. Is my tolerance just that low? Am I going to be that person who refuses to take anyones crap therefore end up being the crazy old cat lady? Or is it that some people need that constant comfort of companionship? Or maybe the luxury of combined income? When they look back at their relationships, do they remember the bad parts? Do the bad streaks still come up between them? Or do they only remember the good parts? Does one hold that grudge of the bitter past? Does one forgive and forget? I wonder if either party thinks they could've done better. Are there any regrets?

Or maybe people are so used to lying to themselves, they've started believing their own lies.

Is it that the older one gets, the less likely it is that they will leave their spouse? If so, is it just because they are scared they won't find someone else? What is so scary about being single? Other than the extra support and the cushion for ones fall, why is a significant other so important?Yes, it is nice to come home to someone...to know that someone loves you unconditionally (even if you're lying to yourself... ) Yes it is nice to know theres a warm body who'll keep you warm through those cold nights. But since when did the niceties become such a great big priority? TV ads, movies, cards, the holidays- everything places such importance on relationships it is almost a taboo if you don't have a significant other. What is one to do during the holidays without someone to call his/her own :( oh why oh why! The tragedy!

Anyhow, getting back to the point- doesn't dealing with the source of the stress make more sense than dealing with the anxiety on a day-to-day basis? What's the point of having a stressful relationship that seems to bleed into the rest of your life? What's the point of continuing to subject yourself to harm - to emotional rape- just so you have that comfort of ...oh wait- there is nothing comforting about such relationships. I promise, living a stress-free-single-life is not that bad. Promise.

In good faith...

2008-03-17T09:46:00.000-07:00

This kind of ties in with my previous post -just on a larger scale.

If you haven't watched "The Bandit Queen" (a true story, that was banned in India for a long time...) I highly recommend you rent/netflix it! It made me realize how lucky and fortunate I am to be born into my family- to be given the basic right to life. What happened to Phoolan Devi (translates to The Bandit Queen) was unjust - and no one intervened. It got me thinking: As fellow human beings, where do our obligations start and where do they end? Should a whole village be punished for standing idly by as they watch about 7 men gang up and brutally beat a woman (i.e. should they be considered as accessory to the crime)? Or have all the men from the village gang-rape her over and over for three days consecutively? Or stand by idly (yet again) as the village bully stripped her naked in front of the whole village following the gang rape- men, women and children included- and I repeat- and no one intervened. (I really don't want to give away anything about the movie because I'd rather have you watch it- but the woman kicks some serious ass. She isn't a criminal nor a victim. She's a hero.) Mind you this isn't a hoorah G.I.Jane chick-flick or a feel good womens empowerment movie. It is a true story with a real time-line and real dialogs.

Now, this isn't culture...it was tradition. I get two extreme reactions when I talk about this story: one that of apathy stating it's just the culture (and when corrected, they change it to "well that's just tradition...") and one that seems harsh and judgmental, almost ethnocentric to a point. However the two extremes seem so evasive. Why is it so hard to balance a middle-ground? Where do human morals come in? In our all tolerating world, when is it time to intervene? Is it when someone is regarded as a lesser mortal? When you the observer- thinks the line has been crossed? Conscience is something so flexible and can always be ignored, as we all know. When does one sit on their high horse and judge and when is it time to jump off that high horse and relate?

If an observer is doing just that- observing, s/he is not given the chance to experience the aggregate emotional and mental state of given subject and every encounter is perceived as a third-party opinion. However, if one participates in any assessment of 'natural assessment,' s/he would only get one side of the experience. Unless you're John Howard Griffin. (Read: Black Like Me.... amazing book!! ...he had the advantage to experience both sides- he is white and he experimented with what it was like to be a Black southerner in the 1950s.)

Now this doesn't only happen in countries like India, Africa etc. (May I remind you: Slavery in the Americas, in Jamaica, in Guyana- the history of the Human race [thanks Brits {yes I'm still bitter about that...rightfully so} ] - that story that everyone wants to shove under the rug lest they be judged just as harshly- they ALL have stories just as brutal) It happens every day in every town. Maybe not on such a grander scale and for sure not so openly and so brutally- but how many times have you seen a prick go off on a poor cashier who has no control over the laws or rules and regulations of the store- and as customers, we idly stood by (knowing all well if possible, the cashier most probably has a sarcastic retort that would make the old geezer shut the hell up- but keeps such comments to her/himself in fear of being fired)

Should corporate companies be blamed for spoiling us as customers that we see it fit to dehumanize the people on the other side of the counter? The false promises of such corporates conditions us to expect SO much in every single visit that we, as customers, cannot fathom human errors nor accept any delays. Since when did we all get so scared to put someone in their place especially when it is duly called for? Everyone is so afraid of doing/saying the right thing in good faith because "It's not our business..."I know "Judge not lest ye be judged" ... but also think The Good Samaritan ;) There is absolutely nothing wrong with helping out a poor soul even if it is by mere words .... So next time, please speak up!

(P.S. I know this post doesn't really have any structure and was kinda all over the place...I had so many side comments and topics to discuss I didn't feel like filtering it and narrowing it down to a simple argument because fact is, there ARE other factors that come into play.... the post went from serious brutalities that needed to be addressed to the mundane and sundry that happen in everyday life- both facts of life- both that needed to be questioned)

The Epidemic of Allergies.

2008-02-27T12:09:00.000-08:00

Apparently theres an epidemic of pretty, but unhygienic girls going around. Everywhere I go, there are 15-25-ish year olds that use the bathroom, come out and look in the mirror, assure themselves that they look presentable by their standards, and walk out of the restroom. No, they don't wash their hands. Yes, it has happened on more than one occasion. I more often see girls walk right out the restroom than girls who do thoroughly wash their hands. I also see girls who only let the water touch the tips of their index finger and thumb, seemingly frightened of the water that is flowing out of the sink. No soap used, no need to dry their hands either.

Moms and Dads... please make sure your teenage daughter isn't a dirty skank. I mean, I'd understand if a girl just doesn't care; at least that's consistent. These girls, I'm sure, have got to wake up at least an hour early before they start their day to get themselves together because their hair, their nails, their outfits are all so meticulously planned- but alas, the concept of basic hygiene has yet to be introduced to them.

Or maybe they're allergic to water....

Tagged

2008-02-26T17:43:00.000-08:00

"Once you have been tagged you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random things, facts, habits, or goals about yourself. At the end choose 3 to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave them a comment (tag, you're it) and to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. Since you can't tag me back, let me know when you've posted your blog so I can see your answers..."

So, I've been tagged (Thanks Jesse) and here I am.

1) My biggest pet peeve is ignorance and the convenient disregard of ones conscious. Nothing else irks me more than someone who deliberately lies to him/herself and then keeps on moving instead of taking a minute to think about his/her actions. It's almost like they know they are wrong, but fear admitting it even to themselves. It's just a slippery slope from there...

2) I go through phases that lasts for months, sometimes years, and a part of each phase always stays with me forever. I was in a health conscious/gym phase, a hippy phase, a disciplinary phase (this was WAY before I even joined the military), a girly phase, a tomboy phase, currently in my nerdy phase ... the list goes on... If you see my picture at any one of these phases, they all look like different people. This revelation was brought about by The Temple of my Familiar which is now one of my favorite books for that reason. Absolutely LOVE it love it love it! =)

3) I am trying to wean off my coffee addiction by switching to grape juice. I weaned myself off of coke (the cola) by switching to coffee. I may be on to something here. Now maybe, just maybe, if I can wean myself toward something productive...

4) Guys need not worry about me leading them on. If I don't reciprocate the same feelings (be it romantic or platonic) it IS known.

5) I like weird animals like ferrets, meercats, flying squirrels etc. If I could, I would own a little island and live in it with all these beautiful creatures in all their cuteness.

6) I constantly analyze and worry about things. I also bounce ideas back and forth to (And I say this in fear of being labeled a NUT :-D hah) myself. I once I decided to record my thoughts in a span of 15 minutes (I was driving) and my thoughts ranged from billboards to karma to life to my brother to competitiveness versus road rage and driving to ethnocentrism... etc etc etc (you get the gist)

7) Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to the future so I didn't have to deal with the petty issues of actually going through everything necessary to get to that future.

8) I refuse to assimilate to any one specific culture.

9) I would be Lilo and Stitch from Lilo and Stitch the movie.

10) I make weird noises/sounds and weird dance movement-ish for no apparent reason and a moment later have no recollection of making such noises or any such movements.

Tag:
Sir John (yes, YOU sir, YOU.) Why? Because I can!
I would tag Sir KongFuzi. Why? Because ...I can... BUT I know he wouldn't indulge in such petty tags ;) SO, I tag
Madame Natasha. Because I love her so ;)
And I tag
Zi. Because I know she's looking for something to help her slack. ;) hehe (great minds)

I think I can...I think I will!

2008-02-20T14:06:00.000-08:00

I have been having a hell of a time trying to get things done. I have a long list of chores and to-dos and all, bar a few household errands, have a deadline. Does that motivate me? Noooo Does someone need a kick in their ass? Yesss.
I chalk this up to the weather. Yes, I said it. The weather. I hate the winter and the dreariness it brings. It makes me want to curl up in bed preferably with some hot chocolate (with whipped cream and marshmallows on top) watch a nice movie, and have the heat up on high. Who wants to run around getting things done while its wet and everything seems to drag? But since it is winter and I am just that lazy, I end up passing up the hot chocolate in all its goodness and just watching a movie whilst I lay under my warm comforter. At least I'm not putting on *more* weight on my lard ass. My poor lil knees are already begging for mercy.
So today, finally it was nice and sunny (not warm... the sun was out... but its snowing - gah!) and I got most of my to-dos done! (welll at least the ones I had set as a goal for today) The only one thing that didn't get done was talk to Dr. Atsu-Swansy, my crazy Ghanaian professor who is guiding me through my AfricAid project - he left for the day even though his office hours were still supposedly in session. grr.

Anyhow, I do feel a tiny bit accomplished. I'd feel a lot more accomplished if I started off on my applications to certain schools. So off I go! Toodles!

Geekdom in all it's glory! :)

2008-02-13T15:50:00.000-08:00

I absolutely love most of my classes this semester :) Even though I don't feel like these are challenging me enough to think and be pro-active like Chemistry did, it is a different kind of challenge. I do miss Chemistry terribly and I can't wait till the Fall semester to take a higher level just for fun :-D

Psychology- I love reading and talking about life and how people act the way they do (in certain situations) and why. Dissecting the ever so complex human mind is exhilarating!My professors knowledge on this subject is extensive! Sure he has his doctorate in Psychology and has been practicing for about 25 years now :-P ... but the stories are always so interesting and it gives me something to analyze and shred apart anxiously waiting to see whats underneath yet another layer of a beautiful (and sometimes deviant) mind! :-D

Sociology- I think ties into Psych. It takes it to a larger scheme and you get to dissect why certain societies follow certain rituals. One thing that did upset me is the outdatedness of the book. It talked about how fat women were perceived to be attractive and beautiful in the Nigerian society. This is not true!! It depicted a few societies as though they still lived in trees and traveled on camel backs...phulease! Give me a break!! Thank God for our prof. though- he is a very intelligent human being with a kind heart and an open mind. We constantly bounce ideas back and forth about what could have brought about certain changes in different societies.

English- Our English class is supposed to be the P.I.A. class, focusing on research and research alone. I have met so many students who HATED this class because their professors made it hell for them. I have been blessed with the best professor (okay, second best- the first one was defi. Mrs. Nickie Isaacson. :-D) who genuinely wants her students to succeed.

Anatomy and Physiology- So rad to learn about your body and all the cool stuff in it! I can't wait to go to the Body Museum in New York with W. I hope he can make it! =) Dr. Jaloway makes it SO easy to learn this stuff!!

I cannot wait until I get to take Pharmacology! :-D *squeals in excitement*

Did I mention I LOVE *most* of my professors?!

History- I plead the 5th. (Hey... I did say I love MOST of my classes and professors- not ALL. I'm allowed ;) heh)

It all aches...

2008-01-29T19:51:00.000-08:00

At the tender age of 27, my bones have been giving out on me. Yes. Giving out on me. I have been so unhealthy and its finally taking a toll on me, all at once. So I'm going to take this as a warning and start making a few minor adjustments that will (hopefully) lead to a few major changes.

I crave sleep now. So I sleep. Will update later. =)

Toodles!

Face Off

2008-01-22T15:45:00.000-08:00

31 days off :) First day of classes.

I walts into the bathroom. As I begin to raise my head to look up- hmm this looks a little different. Head completely raised I walk into the bathroom and realize- urinals. Asian guy, black jacket, blue jeans, black framed glasses cranes his neck to look who entered the bathroom. I barely mumble "opps heh. heh. sorry"

FACE RED.

I run out.

Bump into dude number two walking into the bathroom, already starting to unzip.

FACE PURPLE.

oh...and did I mention I went to my 3rd class of the day and walks in dude #2?

Giving it up

2008-01-08T20:21:00.000-08:00

My girl T and I were having a conversation about how our once tight knit group has dissolved into a vague reminiscence of drunken nights and clammy mornings. While some friends followed their career tangents, some just simply disappeared because they now have a significant other in their lives.
Now, I am just as guilty as them -I am by no means rebuking them of their choice. However, it brings me to question- at what point does one lose their own sense of identity in order to be a part of a relationship? More importantly, why does one lose their sense of identity? It seems like being a part of a (great or ..usually...otherwise) relationship mean that you have to lose yourself, your interests, your being.
Again, I have done this myself, but in the long run it didn't work out. In fact, it made me despise him for slowly stripping me of my own. I grasp the concept of a relationship and I also understand that when you love someone- however provisional or absolute it may be- you want to spend as much time with your significant other. However, where is the balance of keeping your life- your individuality- your persona and still interconnect with your 'main squeeze'? Would you consider giving up things you once loved- the things you chose to do- as a price you have to pay in order to be in a relationship?
Part of me strongly believes that giving up your identity and your interests- giving up a part of YOU- helps a relationship deteriorate quicker than its time. Sure, there are strong urges of spending as much time as you can with your 'sweetie' and all of a sudden the temptaion of creating drunken havoc isn't as enticing as it once used to be. But, it inevitably is like being a kid in a candy shop. You want ALL you can- until you get what you asked for. And then you get sick. And you can't stand the sight of what you once thought you could never have enough of. Thats when the sweetest thing becomes sour. When the cutest gestures become irritating. When cuddly becomes clingy and loving becomes loathsome.
My personal stance- in a good relationship neither you nor your significant other would have to sacrifice yourself, but you would enhance each other in every way possible. I wouldn't have to "give up" friends or nights out with loved ones to a point where people think I've fallen off the planet. And I wouldn't have to "reconnect" with all my friends simply because I now have someone in my life. There is a difference between 'putting her/him first' and having a choice that only encompasses him/her.
I realize that when you love a person or when you accept a person into your life, you're not just accepting that person- you're accepting a whole another lifestyle. You fell for this person when s/he went out 6 nights a week or played basketball 7 days a week or played poker 5 days a month- you fell for this person when s/he had other agendas than to please you. So why try to change it? Now, I know they aren't the best example but in a way I guess Janet and JD are leading an exemplary relationship- JD went to strip clubs before he met Janet...and he still does. I guess when BOTH parties know the line- and don't cross it, you can maintain your identity and still remain the person s/he once fell in love with. And that inturn helps continue to WOW the other person everyday even 15 years down the line. ...any takes?

HAPPY NEW YEAR:)

2008-01-03T06:25:00.001-08:00

The first post for the New Year calls for some original works of yours truly :-D (they're all copyrighted.. so don't be trynna steal nothin LOL)

Incandescence

Her beautiful hips be swaying as she walks down
that dirt road with baby on her back
Pot o’ water sitting jus right, embracing her curves
Walking those 4 miles, glistening with sweat
No woman looking so stimulating as she slowly wipes
the sweat off the sensual nape of her neck down to her chest

Babies eyes wandering watering the heats burning up
his skin dry, feet rough, hair nappy it ain't even begun
his life into slavery- big he shall become
She know she ain't never gon’ see him once he gone
Born as property, he shall open clenched fists from around his arms
He shall dare think he shall dare learn he shall dare hope he shall dare win.

Unknown to her though, she rises above this with soul that
runs through her veins, her blood, sweat and tears
Each heart beat sending more of that
SWAAAGG through her body
Giving her that curve, that arch, that supple but ripe tone
That distinguishes her that establishes her that elevates her

Earth tone she been earth loved she an earth child
Sun harsh on babies black face black thighs black tries
Honey molasses kisses she can conquer what never was
She ain’t never give up she ain't never break down
Quiet servant woman with the grace of a queen
You see, she is a queen- dignified, exemplified, GLORIFIED.

1/20/07
(c) S. G.

Subsistence of a woman

Dynamic
Out shining me,
you have no place in
This mans world
Loving so truly
Making me feel impotent
My emotions so dull
My love counterfeit

Radiant
Cover yourself up
Behind caked up makeup, silicone
Size 2, poison in your body
You-Too black, too big, too loud
Me the way I am- convenience
I rule this world
And you have work to do.

Intense
Resurrection of perception
picture perfect shell
Seductively submissive
Unseen Underneath
What lies beneath
mother, lover, friend?
No. WOMAN.

1/20/07
(c) S. G.

And I Wonder ....

2007-12-31T10:51:00.000-08:00

Inspired by my friend Lace who wrote to her father....I write to my mother

I know heaven is real for my mother watches over me daily. I know God is real for He has never let me down. I cannot prove His existence to a cynic nor can I give solid proof that doesn't completely coordinate to a cause-and-effect pattern the world runs on. I cannot touch Him but I can feel His presence. I cannot converse with him like I do with friends, but I know He always listens. I may not always be confident in His plan for me, but I can tell you this- in the end, I'm always taken care of. Through my friends, my family and invariably, through Him. He is a vengeful God. He is an ever loving God. He knows when to uplift my spirit and when I need to be guided because I have strayed. I never doubted Him ever since I accepted Him.

I know my mother is in a better place, and she is present in my daily life. She is now more than ever closer to me even though I can't lie in her lap and cry my woes away. I know she is more in tune with my feelings, with my soul and she understands. She doesn't scold, she doesn't judge- she just listens.

While my faith is stronger than ever, in my quest for more, I still sometimes wonder. I am regretful that I cannot do what she has done and continues to do for me to this day. I wish I could listen to what she has to say. I wonder if she would confide in me and I wonder if she would say that she regrets taking away something so precious. I wonder if she could, would she try one last time to reach out to me. This time I would not turn her away. I wonder how much her life would have changed had she had a daughter worthy of her. I wonder if she would've been happy if S.R. was her daughter - would she have made different choices? Would she have lived a happier life? I wonder sometimes, if she really CAN listen to me. I do hope and I pray that she can, for I have a lot to say. For I have a lot to make up for. For I have a lot of tears I caused myself and I have a lot of tears to take away from her because she has a lot of tears I have caused her.

I wonder, ma, if you can listen to me, if you can see me. I wonder ma, if you and amm-amma are together and if you wished we could bond more. I wonder if you are with all the women of our family wishing your descendants took more interest in our family history. For today, I only know the name of my Grandmother. For today, I only know about the itty bitty parts of stories you would start to tell us, before we got bored and cut you off. Or cringed because we would miss our TV sitcom that was going to start in the next 5 minutes. I wonder if you could, would you? I wonder if you wished your daughters would take the time to know you- to know our gramma and great gramma..and inevitably, know ourselves? Do you regret going away? Do you regret not wanting to stay? Do you regret not saying bye? Or would you do it all over again? Do you finally see my intentions? Do you finally see how much we need you?

I hope and pray you are happy. On your terms. I hope and pray you have everything you ever wished for. I pray heaven is just as great as everyone has said it to be. Because you deserve it.

While I sit here today, in my room (that you would most probably ask me to clean) wondering and questioning ...with a hint of doubt, something in me tells me you can listen. Something in me tells me you are here. Forever, with me. Living in me through Him. Something in me tells me this is what you would say to me:
Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow: I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumns rain. When you awaken in morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die.

(Before you send me messages telling me that I am a worthy daughter, that she is proud of me, be aware, that I know she is proud of certain aspects of me, but I also know what a worthy daughter is for I have recently seen her, and I, my loves, am no where close to it. Not for a long LONG time. Not toward the end not anywhere in the middle. I am aware of this and nothing anyone can say ...can convince me any different.. for only my mother and I know the nature of our relationship.)

---------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that one finds peace in the most difficult of situations? Why does clarity hit you in the midst of chaos and hurt? Why does one ultimately find more about love, friendship, stability, thickness of relationships- all in the lowest of times? Why is it that sometimes listening to songs stimulates you and sometimes the same song crowds your mind so much you feel suffocated and handcuffed to thoughts?

I miss...

2007-12-27T10:48:00.000-08:00

being excited like the night before a picnic or a big day
the warmth of the sun kissing my skin
kayaking on a hot summer day... the wind, the silence of the lake, the glorious rays of the sun
meaningful conversations about nothing and about everything
being able to run outside the house in shorts and a tank top
our catch games we played on the playground from 7 am till 7 pm every summer
being called for in between catch games only to come home and be served a nice hot plate of food
the dust that covered every inch of my legs because of playing barefoot all summer long
Holi as a child
street dogs that knew me by my scent
being able to see role models all around me
being left alone
company
kittens that wrestled with my hand without leaving a scratch!
curds rice being mixed to a perfection by mom ... and her spicy chillies to go along with!
mountain biking by myself for hours on end...
all the views that kept me company for all those hours
being able to just...be
warm samosas with tea every evening
watching He-man right after church =)
Sunday afternoon naps
110 degree weather
being so ecstatic about my birthday!
brown book covers at the beginning of every year
the only person who knew me in and out-Nancy
being able to whisper happy secrets in the ear of a trusted one

hehe I figured I'd be evil

2007-12-26T20:06:00.000-08:00

Rutgersrulz (10:58:20 PM): Oh snap!! u got back with your ex?

FllnAngl (10:58:29 PM): yah

Rutgersrulz (10:58:31 PM): oh boy

FllnAngl (10:58:35 PM): aren't u with the black guy?

FllnAngl (10:58:36 PM):

Rutgersrulz (10:58:38 PM): nope

Rutgersrulz (10:58:43 PM): we broke it off a LONG ass time ago

FllnAngl (10:58:47 PM): good, you moved on

Rutgersrulz (10:58:49 PM): hell yeah

FllnAngl (10:58:49 PM): who are you with

Rutgersrulz (10:58:50 PM): lol

Rutgersrulz (10:58:52 PM): no one

FllnAngl (10:59:25 PM):

Rutgersrulz (10:59:32 PM): why ?

Rutgersrulz (10:59:35 PM): im happy as hell

Rutgersrulz (10:59:36 PM): lol

FllnAngl (10:59:38 PM): o wait

FllnAngl (10:59:41 PM): ur independent

FllnAngl (10:59:43 PM): and pro-woman

Isn't that right!

2007-12-26T17:28:00.000-08:00

Your results:
You are Dark Phoenix

A prime example of emotional extremes: Passion and fury incarnate.

Who knew these silly surveys could speak the truth ;) She even looks like me... welll except for the stunning body lol. Dark hair with the red tint go baby go! Red and Black :-D Passion and Fury incarnate baby ;) We just go together. What can I say :-P

Icon

2007-12-26T14:06:00.001-08:00

...that is so me!!!

I often have questions...seldom the answers

2007-12-25T14:31:00.000-08:00

What is the line between 'letting people be themselves' and letting a person you care for know his or her behavior is damaging their image and their relationships?
In our world of constant acceptance and tolerance for everyones personality, when are these boundaries crossed?
Whose responsibility is it to make sure these boundaries are not crossed? And if it does get crossed- who are we to tell so-n-so that such behavior is not acceptable?

Hypothetical situation... a close friend has a problem. This friend gets obsessed with this problem and cannot seem to move on. Is it wrong to be firm/stern with this person or is it wrong to just hang back and let them figure it out, all while you watch his/her life crumble away eroding all stability as s/he knows it?

When does it become just plain wrong to intervene and when does it become just plain wrong to hang back? How many of us have gotten out of relationships because of a certain trait or personality of a person (physical, mental, emotional or personal alike) but just left it at "It's not you, it's me..." or some other lame excuse that was anything but the truth?
Is it our responsibility as fellow human beings to let a person know his or her faults or should we take the divine words "Judge not, that ye be not judged" (Or somethin' to that effect :-P)
Also, since it takes a village to raise a child, will it take a village to let a grown up know that his/her trait/behavior needs to be changed?

Tis the season....

2007-12-24T11:20:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!:)

Some of my work....

2007-12-22T21:30:00.000-08:00

I feel almost unworthy to put my work right after I posted works from such great artists like Maya Angelou and Langston Hughes... but none the less... heres a few from yours truly ;) (they're all copyrighted for real so don't be trynna steal em! lol)

Intimate Stranger

You sit there
judging every one
but too scared to
look in your own God damned mirror
Imperfect in your own perfect way
every scar on your smooth skin
every stubborn zit that won’t go away
the dark on your knee and the kink in your hair

Deeper
More imperfections
Love every
Single
One.

Rewrite history
Repaint your soul
Recreate creation
Replenish thirst

But no--
you are too scared
to look

your

own

GOD

DAMNED

MIRROR.

I AM

I am raw
rough around the edges
basics and foundation strong
nothin’ more nothin’ less

I hide my emotions
just as well as mother nature hides her wrath
in the storm or love in her womb or motherhood at its best
you see them on my face
reactions, love, tenderness, rage.

I am raw
rough and smooth at the same time
sure and unsure and so damn sure
all I know is I am confident in
my confidence in myself.

I am raw
rough but not aching to be smooth
Not me. Not I.
I am rough, raw and brutal.

Are you?

Ballad of the Prostitute

She sold her soul for what he liked
When he like shy she shy
When he like loud she loud
When he want down right nasty
She mold herself to fit the tasty
He wanted rough an’ rugged- difficult
--to achieve—a tie you down to make you mine
She wore masks to hide behind and she was
You can’t get me you can’t have me
You’ll have to rape me to take me.

He fancied it twice today
he wants a woman that can play
fit your role your role your role everyday
switch it and change it in a snap of a finger
and happily she filled them shoes to satisfy his hunger

The ballad of a prostitute you say?
ain’t you the one that went out
And got them Gucci shades
Because you saw the whointhewhatnot video?
or go to sunday school because that’s what good girls do?

Ain’t you the one who been on a diet
since you known you – been tryin’ to squeeze
Into that size 2 dress with a Barbie breast?
How many times you burn your head
to get that silky straight hair?

curlin’ iron, chemical peels, be the best
that watch, that house, that car, that intensity (not intimacy)
Don’t look down upon the ballad of the prostitute
You sold your soul for pleasure and affection
Each of us does for a different addiction

They went home....Remembering.

2007-12-19T11:30:00.000-08:00

--------------------------------------------------------------------

They Went Home

They went home and told their wives,

that never once in all their lives,

had known a girl like me,

But... They went home.

They said my house was lickin clean,

no word I spoke was ever mean,

I had an air of mystery,

But...They went home.

My praises were on all men's lips

they like my smile, my wit, my hips,

they'd spend one night or two or three

But...

-Maya Angelou

Remembering

Soft grey ghosts crawl up my sleeve

to peer into my eyes

While I within deny their threats

and answer them with lies.

Mushlike memories perform

a ritual on my lips

I lie in stolid hoplesness

and they lay my soul in strips.

-Maya Angelou

---------------------------------------------------------

Exams are finally done and over with. It seemed to pass by in slow motion, but they're done. Finally. As soon as I got done with my last exam, I raced to the library, got myself a good book of poems and started reading. I missed reading to be inspired- so I read until my poor eyes begged me for mercy (at which point I got on here and started typing away, but shush!) :-P I read a few poems by Maya Angelou and I posted the 2 that really called out to me. Sadly, I couldn't spend more time dissecting more of her poems and didn't feel it would do them or me justice to slap some on here without true familiarity.

I had a friend read this poem. I figured it'd be interesting to see the reaction of "a guy's guy" to the works of this amazing being. He said it was a very beautiful poem, but the poet comes off too smug. Like there was nothing wrong with her she was perfect yet men didn't want to be with her. He said "For sure, there has to be something wrong with her- if there wasn't and she was, in fact, so perfect and amazing, why would she be manless?" Hmm. Interesting.

Meanwhile, I explained why the poem called out to me so much- a woman, no matter her caliber- will always have something "wrong" with her if she's single. It isn't about being smug or cocky or even full of one's self- Sometimes women just find the wrong guys (or the wrong guys somehow manage to talk a woman into being a complete buffoon). Once the relationship- whatever its nature, is exhausted, word vomit spews "Can we still be friends?..." You can take that and shove it up you know where.

Let me deviate, for a second here, and analyze the simple, yet complex statement often blurted out by males and females to lighten up a breakup. "Let's just be friends." What this statement really is saying is: While you generally are a good person, you're not good enough. You're not special enough. You just don't do it for me anymore. Or as Miranda Hobbes from Sex In the City once said "I'm just not that into you." Why is it so hard for someone to come right out and say it? Hey, Sorry I wasted your time, but- I've realized I'm just not that into you anymore. In which case, you don't need to be friends. What exactly is this sentence/ question supposed to do? Make a person feel better? Take the pressure off of the person? Make the person feel a little more dignified? Make them feel like they are just a little more in control? "Hey, you suck, but here's a consolation prize- you get to remain friends with me ;-) ..." Hmm thanks, I'll pass.

The second poem I love. It captures the past and the present and the future. I realized I can't really let past experiences bitter me up- lest they lay my soul in strips. =)

------------------------------------------------------------

I'm really going to miss the semester. I don't know what to do with myself this month. I mean, I have a few chores to do, a tiny plan that needs to get put into action- which is all going to happen. But I'm going to miss the stresses of school. (Yes, I'm a nutjob :-P I know) I am going to miss my Chemistry class the most :) I made such amazing friends through Chem- I look forward to next semester already! Meanwhile, in the present :-P I know I'm going to frantically read all the poems I possibly can and try to write a little more as well. So keep on reading! :)

---------------------------------

Needs no introduction... Just read.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise.

-Maya Angelou

----------------

And I am quenched.

Golden soul, stripped soul

2007-11-16T18:36:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I updated, but meh.. :-P I doubt anyone reads this stuff anyways. I've been super busy with school and work lately which is a good thing. Wanted to update with a few things...School is goin' great! All A's in classes so far =) A slight chance of a B+ (Why does this sound like a weather report) but if I do good on this exam, it's a sure A =) My friends at school are really helping me through this time- school and personal issues alike. What would I do without you guys?! :) I love each and every one of you...Lami (my backbone), Henok(my smile), Lee (my hun neeyy), Carlos, Steph. Miriam (my support)! Work sucks. As usual...it isn't the work at all...it's the people... the lack of enthu and motivation is taking a toll on my own attitude, which isn't a good thing so I'm lookin for something better (aren't we all)

I've been so busy that I haven't had the chance to listen and enjoy my music lately. That makes me unhappy. I haven't been able to dance and that's just not who I am ;) (BUT! COMING SOON: Dance classes every Saturday WOOHOOOO!) It bothers me that there's such amazing talent out there that I haven't had the chance to listen to yet. I'm talking about soul music- Erykah Badu, Legend (ok, even though he talks about cheatin n bein a dog.... he's got some good stuff :-P) India, Floetry, Roots,Angie, Hamilton ... I need more of it! It's what really keeps me going! I bought Jill's new album and its defi amazing. My favorite song is the #17 on her CD. It makes me think :)

It also is gettin cold out. I hate the cold. I despise the cold. If cold was a physical being, I'd shred it and torture it and make sure it's DEAD lol I hate cold things. Even ice cream. I'd RREEALLYY have to be in the mood to eat it. I don't like the cold weather, cold pizza, cold metal, cold food (even salad! I actually heat up my salads... weird, I know), cold people... the list goes on. My list for pharmacy schools has narrowed down to the warm weathered states. I want to visit Cali and see if it's hot enough out there for me. I loved Texas. mmmm Perfect! except for the pretty beaches. Which is very important to me. You see, the weather plays a great role in my mood and temperament. When it's warm I'm happy, giddy, hyper... excited to do something new. When it's cold, I become a piece of lard. I don't move unless someone actively MAKES me move ;-p No, thinking doesn't count. Even though thinking is technically work (sodium ions moving against it's concentration gradient IS work :-D) my thinking never stops....

---------------------------------------

NOT my writing but I loved it....

2007-09-17T20:46:00.001-07:00

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible. How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gasp and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together. Because people cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.
We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit." When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed
with the next hundred chores running through your head?

Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow."
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die?
Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....Thrown away...

Life is not a race. Take it slower.
Hear the music before the song is over.

Show your friends how much you care.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches will pull you down.

"A letter from Mother Earth"

2007-09-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

She wrote to me today...
"Have you ever felt
like a piece of meat on display
in a meat market?
Just above the reach of hungry dogs
so close that
you can feel the heat of their bark
the stench of their breath?

All they want is a piece...
a nice chunk of your soul

Have you ever felt
like a piece of meat
being undressed and fucked
with one single degrading look?
Being raped by every version of imaginable
and unimaginable nasty being?
Being raped of your dignity,
respect- your worth, your wealth?

Left crippled and barren
with a womb that is capable
of only giving birth to stillborns

...All that is left is the carcass
of what once used to be my soul"

-Shirley Gadde.

Love is

2007-08-24T05:41:00.000-07:00

"The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday."
-Baz

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I like the Sunscreen song... mostly because I know every word it holds is ...so true. So I was thinking about this part of the lyrics. And I'd always thought that maybe I just won't be able to have kids... but see, that problem is one too easy to solve. (Adoption.) So I thought what if I don't succeed in life? That ball kept rolling around in the tiny little mind of mine... would my 'real' problem in life be something that I could avoid? Something that is in my control? It would seem (logically) avoidable. So I thought what else could go wrong? (Death, according to me, is the least of anyones problems) Maybe I won't find love? Or maybe I do find it, but fail to recognize it until its way too late? I've always said "don't love the way YOU want to be loved...love the way the person you love loves.." I don't know if I read that somewhere when I was really little or if it's an innate value that I've always had...maybe that's what I learned in my past life that stuck with me in this one. Maybe I won't find a love that would love in the ways that I recognize? What if that's already happened? But I haven't loved yet ...I know this because I don't know what 'love' is. Yes, I have performed dutifully as a girlfriend. Above and beyond. But is that all love is? Performing ones duty; loyalty? I think not. It HAS to be something larger than life.

oye vey. This little head of mine...

Then I cut my thoughts shortly afterward because the more thought I put into it, the more I started convincing myself that this IS what my problem is going to be (heh OCD, you can say... I thought what if I DO find love but I fawk it up by all my thinking and convincing that I won't..what if THAT is the REAL problem?... hahaa) so you see, I am very close to driving myself insane :-P

"Would you come after me
if I was upset
Would you try to win me back?
Or would you go after another snatch?
Wait I think you already answered that." *

*Again, no not in relation to anyone...just came to me, so I jotted it down :-p

She beat me to it....

2007-08-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

She described me before I could even think of it....

"I am a moody woman
my temper black as my brows
as sharp as my nails
as impartial as a flood
that is seeking, seeking, seeking
always
somewhere to stop...."

-Alice Walker

my familiarity with the unfamiliars...

2007-08-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

I want a lot of things most girls, I think, want. But when I take a look around me and I look at these 'girls'- my peers I feel like not too many are actually going for what they *really* want. I see settlement. I see mediocrities. I see mundane faces going about their lives because theres the dream world, and then theres the real world.
No matter what I do in life- school, love, family- I am constantly searching for more. Constantly looking- sometimes for what- I don't know- but the search never seems to end. But I know that there has to be more! That every being, every action, every cessation has layers. These layers need to be peeled. Most of this search is that of my own being. I sit back and wonder if my mother and my grandmother and her mother ever got somewhere with their self searching. We never really talked much about our 'selves' our 'souls' our 'beings'- instead we just went day after day existing not living. In the rush to keep up with ...(who knows who!).. we did just that- existed. This is not to say that the females in my family never touched other lives or that no one really learned anything from them- that would be contradictory to the truth... but I digress... I read somewhere that we "are our grandmothers..." just with more things added in our life to be more efficient. I wonder how true that is... and how much of self searching...and self discovery my grams did!

This constant want...this constant search of things within ...keeps me up till 2.44 am ....

That friend

2007-08-18T18:42:00.000-07:00

So lately I've been thinking about 'that friend'...you know- everyone has one...even that friend has a that friend... the one you can NOT stand at all...the one who you're embarrassed of-the one who can and will say the wrong things at the wrong time and comes out looking like a complete ass in the process (and you look like a complete ass by association) -your dirty little secret- you bitch about him/ her complain and dread every second that you have to spend with him/her- but you keep him/her around anyways... but when someone asks you "Well then why are you friends with him/her?" you have no answer to. I'm sure I, myself, am that friend to someone... but I always wonder why people keep em around... Is it self-validation? Is it apathy? Is it lack of a spine? Or the need for drama? Or is it just because you'd rather not deal with the drama that would come with cutting off all ties (the tears ..oh the tears!)

I was confronted today by such a situation, where I could just say what needs to be said to save a non-existing friendship OR I could just cut off all ties . I chose the latter. My friends who knew about it joked and once again, called me the untamed, wild shrew (I'm insensitive) The way I see it- It doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me an honest one.

Feeding my inner geek.

2007-08-08T16:05:00.000-07:00

I spend WAY too much on stationary. What shoes do to normal girls, stationary does to me. I know I have... notebooks, for example... "but these are blue lined ones!" This seriously needs to stop.... what a shame it would be if I went into debt because of stationary.... aye!

Sometimes

2007-07-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

..I wish I could just have one person I could count on. However, the bitter fact of life, is that no matter what, I need to plan my life for myself. Not for anyone else- just me. Love withers away, or maybe it wasn't real to begin with; Friendships are there, but it has it's own life, away from mine. Each time I try to factor in someone else to share this life with, I am reminded that the only person I can count on to stay putt forever- is me. While the nice things like stability, love and independence seem like a distant future, I have to concentrate on the NOW. And I have to assume that this distant future is a very big "maybe" conditioned by the accordance that I be selfish and take only my ambition and goals into the formula. Another bitter lesson of life: In order to be selfless, you have to be selfish first.

30 things to do before 30 :)

2007-07-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

1) Get into Rx/Nursing school - Graduated :)
2) See the Broadway Musical: The Color Purple-unfortunately I haven't been able to do this! :(
3) Have at least ONE spa day where I spoil myself :)
4) Get cornrows done at least once more- entered into the professional world and now have to wait till I go on vaca! LLOL
5) Move out of N.J. - In Nashville, TN as I type this! :)
6) Have a couple Gs in savings for a rainy day (more like for a day that I need to buy my books!)- Brand new medical professional here, so close to this goal.
7) Find out what metal exactly in cheap jewelry I am allergic to! :-P
8) Get my D.L
9) Throw away the extras- the frills- ...de-clutter! hmm maybe a yard sale? :-D (done done n DONE! =D)
10) Get my 4.0... got it for the fall 07 semester! w00t! ;-)
11) Visit Thomas Jefferson Unv.
12) Visit Temple Unv. as well!
13) Start AfricAid at my college and my goal is to donate at least $1000.00 worth of books, stationary etc to the children in need :) Unfortunately I have not been able to do this. However, I have volutneered with disaster relief as an RN :)
14) Make the Deans list every semester! semester 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 done done done!=D
15) Get Published in "Rewrites Literary and Art Magazine" Could not do this- procrastination got the best of me and I am now an alumni. Hmm must look into if Alum's can still get published :)
16) Make more poetry! (since this is a constant on going thing that I hope will continue well after I turn 30, I shall italicize it. Please look for Poetry Tags to read)
17) Volunteer just a couple hours even if its in a month (it makes a difference!) (so far, so good!)
18) Research APNs like Med asked me to!
19) Curb my stationary happy spending habits!! (This is gonna be a tough one lol) I can say I have successfully achieved this because I went to staples and walked out empty handed! :-O)
20) At least be on a good start to healthy-ing up my knees ankles and calves!- Thank you, S for the tip!! =-D
21) Stop grinding my teeth when stressed.- this has kind of been accomplished. I do still grind my teeth when deep in thought :(
22) Start looking a little more presentable (WOOHOO!! Talk about finally gettin it outta the way!)
23) Get "Firm"- ongoing process
24) Research dance and boxing lessons-
25) Learn to relax and de-stress! update: 8/20/2009 I am ashamed to say, this hasn't happened yet. (ongoing still!)
26) Listen to my conscience and not be a fool :-P (extremely proud to say I have done well with this one!!)
27) Learn to speak (and write) eloquently! ongoing!!! (note to self, don't include things that are going to be ongoing in next to do list LOL)
28) Get contacts! (re-thinking this one. I have grown to like my glasses that put me in evil shrew mode :-P)
29) Get a better grip on my finances! (MORE than half way there!)
30) Turn 30 with grace ;) Grace...not sure if that will ever be my middle name :-P

As I accomplish each number, I'll italicize it so we know how close I am :-D

6th of the month

2007-07-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Mrs. M. Miller
I've never met you, but I feel like I know you. For almost 5 years, we got your call at our pharmacy like clock work. Every 6th of the month: Can I speak with the Pharmacist please!.... in a voice that I always mocked to resemble Towelie from South Park. It wasn't meant to be insulting, in fact endearing because I could hear the innocence in your voice. I heard determination of a strong woman who lived by herself for all these years but never once asked for favors. You lived a life most of us only wished we could. A life of honesty, love and respect. Most of all, you were successful. Your kids moved away, eventually withered away before you ever did, yet you moved on and carried on like a strong oxen that you are. You took no crap from anyone and even the hoodlums respected you. You stood tall at almost a good 4' nothin. Your friends left you eventually and the only interaction you had with this world so crowded with human beings- was when you called for your meds.
We never spoke more than "Did you need your refills, Mrs Miller?" but there was always an understanding that all was right in the world because of that one phone call. There was an unspoken bond that distinguished our relationship from any other customer. Your grace and dignity is what I most love about you. A little old black woman with the heart of a tigress about to conquer the world. You had the heart of a Spartan and the love of a mother. You cannot imagine when I heard about your physical death- all alone in your apartment and no one knew how long you were gone. I have learned so much from you in our little interaction every 6th of the month. You will always be alive in our hearts and your soul shines brightly among people you never even knew loved you. Every 6th of the month, we miss that phone call that put a smile on our faces no matter how busy we were.

Power, beauty and the struggle.

2007-07-03T11:47:00.000-07:00

A recent magazine article stated that studies suggested that most men liked curves on their women. If most men like curves on women, why is it that a skinny woman is the envy of all women? Why is it that every magazine’s selling article has something to do with losing weight, dropping pounds, looking good for him- even main stream porn stars the emaciated, blonde running around losing the little self respect and dignity she had? Why is the “skinny, tall, blonde” the object of desire of so many men? And why is the “skinny blonde” still considered the ‘mainstream’?

Curvy women want to be rail thin. Rail thin women would kill to have curves. For generations women have done unimaginable things to themselves so that they are portrayed as the ‘desired.’ Women love to feel wanted. My question is, by whom? If it is by men, it certainly isn’t the men that magazines talk about! Is it that we are our own destruction? That we are our own enemy? Is it that we, in our minds, convince ourselves that men want what we are NOT… that the message has turned from “You can be anything you want” to “You have to be everything he wants”…We have willingly renounced the power of defining beauty by handing it to someone else, leaving ourselves feeling unworthy.

The very magazine that tries to convince me that men do want curvy women 4 pages later tells me how to get rid of unpleasant cellulite and unwanted ‘blubber’. Two pages further, it tells me how to lose the extra weight and how to look amazing…for him. Or how to treat him right in bed. Then another article in the same magazine proselytizes that I should look good for myself. Flip over to another page, and they show me how to look glamorous and rested even if I only had 2 hours of sleep. Whatever happened to dressing up to what fits me? Whatever happened to doing what worked best for me; what I liked and what I felt confident and comfortable in?

I have a Brazilian friend who dated a guy who loves ivory skinned red heads… (she's not ivory skinned, nor a red head, incase the 'Brazilian' part didn't give that one way) despite my opinion- that he is most probably with her temporarily because she’s a landmark for his sexcapades- she dated him. Two months later, he dumped her (for a plump, but ivory skinned red head.) They (plumpy and ex-dude) are married now. Another friend is still dating a guy who drools at any girl that happens to walk past him. Both these girls have a scarred self-esteem. These actions of significant others are the very actions and articles that tell us that we are inadequate. Right? Wrong.

Now, just bare with me here, does this not seem like a personal problem? The way I see it, if someone tells you directly, or indirectly that you are not adequate- leave. You already are everything you want, or at least are in the process of achieving it. What he wants, should be secondary- complimentary. Just like what you want is secondary to what he is. Shouldn’t a significant other be there for you for mental, emotional and spiritual support? The physical part should already be defined- it’s not like you lied to him when you first started dating- if he started dating a black girl, you didn’t flip the script and turn out to be white! Know your body; love it the way it is. If he doesn’t, someone else will. Why do women continue to date men who don’t appreciate them and accept their depreciating value day after day?

Women have the power of defining beauty. Unfortunately, we often hand this power over to someone else. So yes, you can always count on magazines, men, women and the media to make you feel incompetent and inadequate. The least you can do is take YOURSELF off that list.

Doing the right thing...

2007-07-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

When will doing the right thing be second nature to us? Discipline plays an active role- a key role in being conscientious in our daily life and it seems like that it is the very thing that 99.9% of us lack. Why is it so hard for humans to desire to be ethical? We all have good intentions- but it stays just that- an intention. Everyone can relate to this- whether a person is trying to lose weight, get their credit straight, be faithful, do better in school or do better in life over all. We all know what the right choice is, yet we continue to pick the other- the forbidden; and then pay the price for it, sometimes for the rest of our lives.

To be 27

2007-07-02T07:12:00.001-07:00

With all this bitchin' I've been doing about how time passes by so slowly, I've realized I'll be 27 in less than a month. Every year on my birthday I ask myself "What have you accomplished in your (fill in age here) years on this planet?" It is of course a much deeper question- how have you impacted anyone on this earth? How have you made the world a better place to live in? etc etc. I haven't fulfilled any of my goals yet. I haven't even started. I know for the next six years of my life all but one of these goals will be put on hold. (I want to get my Doctorate in Pharmacy, which will take up the next 6 years of my life.) What's left?

I still have the streets of Africa to wander through. I still have to volunteer my time in Sudan. Adopt an African baby (btw, NO this isn't inspired by 'Brangelina' or the likes- ever since I was a baby, I'd tell my mom that one day, I'd adopt an African kid.) The boat in the Amazon River awaits me to come start paddling my way into its beauty, danger, raw- LIFE! My book that will change the way the world- more importantly immigrants- see Black America, still longs for me to pick up my pen and start writing the rough past that still defines America today. I want to learn to dance away nights and days. I want to engage every limb of my body into itself and into something much more grander than itself. My book of poem awaits me to get inspired- to be able to eloquently put down my thoughts into words. I want to explore Colombia, Brazil, Mexico...cultures so beautiful it radiates through the people who truly represent what they stand for. I want to touch lives of people- not preach to the choir, mind you- I want to be the bridge that brings people together- that helps people understand each other, come closer together, be a part of something as tiny as the human race.

As I sit here and re-read this list of things I ache to do, I have to remind myself: One day at a time! Time will one day be on my side. Till then, I'll just have to work hard to be able to afford to do so!

More frustration

2007-06-28T07:04:00.000-07:00

I've finally come to a point of exhaustion due to 'deeper thinking.' I caught myself wondering what it would be like to be shallow, worry and thought free. While work takes up all of my time and energy, even a millisecond of cessation causes all these thoughts to flood my mind digging deeper holes, uprooting any strong convictions. I want to feel the joys of working on auto-pilot. Search and Destroy. No "planning" no "asking" no "waiting." Just Search. And Destroy.

Baffled

2007-06-21T15:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like theres a piece of me that's missing. Like somehow, somewhere, someone deliberately left out a piece of a puzzle just to see what the consequences would be. To see the questions, the confusion, and the turmoil I would go through because of that missing piece. To experiment exactly how much humanity really needs that single piece.

Is there something wrong with me? Or is it that people "ignore" the missing piece(s) of their lives and move on pretending they are one true wholesome, solved puzzle? I feel so lost all of a sudden, like I am at a crossroads, but don't know how I got there, and what my choices are. All I know is, I have to choose. And what I choose will be my price to pay for the rest of my life. Ah, the joys of uneducated decision making.

I get overwhelmed with such questions once in a while. They aren't truly directed at a certain aspect of my life, but at my life in general. I feel frustrated because I'm at a standstill, yet everything is moving so fast. Everything is moving so fast, yet I'm at a standstill. I am so overwhelmed with feelings yet I do not know what it is like to truly feel.

To put it in simple terms,
"_____________________" this would be a model of what other human beings are composed of.

"_________ __________" this would be me. And I see "_" is what I am missing, I see it, I know it, and it IS there... but I somehow, cannot manage to transport the "_" into the slot that it should fit in. And sometimes, I lose sight of "_" and start writing blogs that make no sense at all. Like now.

I feel like a dog chasing my own tail =(

Yet another day of self-discovery...

2007-06-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

There is much beauty in this world.... There are people who are just as selfish as a flower- they bloom, make peoples lives brighter, bring a sense of success and fulfillment to anyone passing by, exhilarate all animals, tingles almost all senses of anyone in its presence and then, slowly and quietly dies off, most of the times unnoticed. Then there are the kind of people that never even realize that spring has come and gone and are still focused on the winter and the dreary clouds it brings, wallowing in their own sorrows making not only theirs but others lives miserable as well. I fell in the latter category for the longest time.

I recently came to realize that there are flowers all around me! Worst part is- they ARE in the brightest of colors and in full bloom. I notice these flowers, but passed them off as an annoyance because I thought it hid other things from my focus. I noticed these flowers but I constantly wanted to know what was beyond the flowers; wondering what God wanted me to see and never once stopped to think maybe He intended for me to see these flowers and rejoice them. Real issue? I focused on the wrong things...I'd see flowers, then I'd see the setting it is in, and pass it off as hindrance or a roadblock.

Due to past experiences I have trouble trusting anyone- which is a problem, but not a big one per se- it did become one when I realized (as I write this piece) I was at a point where I could barely see any positives in anyone at all. I saw positives, but I automatically focused on the negatives. The negatives would irritate me so much that I'd deliberate over and over and I'd end up with a migraine. Enough exposure to the same negative aspect with one person, my brain automatically associated the person with a migraine and being around that person became excruciating.

Is it possible that because the world is such a cold place that these flowers seem to die quicker? That they seem to come fewer and farther in between now? Maybe. But that's not the point, is it? It's not the quantity its the quality of ones life that makes the difference. For example, I've been bitching about my colleague day in and day out. You'd think she was the epitome of a moron, an accident waiting to happen...I was so rilled up in all her "wrongs" that I forgot what a beautiful person lies beneath the roughness, beneath her "old traditional ways," beneath the woman who "takes forever to do one minuscule project". She's caring-genuinely caring and she thinks about you even when she's done with work. Occasionally, she'd cook for me and my boss just because. Not to get a raise, not to gain anything- just because she thought we'd like to have some. She does all these little things that come to her like second nature that leave me stunned. She has offered me more than most, but did I ever once stop and think "wow! this person is...something!!" Nope.

My MENTOR is this wonderful woman who has managed to raise a family and be a successful business and career woman, raising 2 kids who absolutely adore her and a husband who fought cancer not too long ago and won. This woman lost a best friend to cancer and 3 months later received news that her husband of 12 some years was suffering from the same disease. She has helped with charitable organizations, volunteered for umpteen charities and has had more social events at her house than Lindsay Lohan's done shots...I cannot fathom how one could single handedly manage every single aspect of her life so well and yet remain a size 6.

I am in no way saying that the said people are perfect in every way. Each has their own faults but the goods outweigh the bads in immeasurable units. In the end, each IS perfect in their own way. I know each one will disappoint me at one point or another. That's what humans do. You fall, and you rise and shine brighter. People need to focus on the results of the downs than the branch that tripped them down and world that didn't warn him/her of said branch ;)

The world is a beautiful place. The world is also cold and hard. It depends on how YOU choose to see it.You get what you put in... So I just made a pact with myself. I will surround myself with the most amazing people you will ever meet. I speculate the key is not that I have to hunt the future saints of this world and surround myself with them, but be the kind of person that makes people want to be amazing when around me. I want to somehow manage to take the best quality in each person I keep close and accentuate those values. I already trust few, and expect almost nothing from anyone unless I have let them in my 'inner circle.' I don't plan on embellishing anyone so much as to come off as a sycophant, but theres an amazing delicate balance of accentuating and encouraging truth and flat out ass kissing and that can be achieved with little skill,time and effort. So Good Luck to me!! =)

P.S. My Moto Q came in the mail the very next day and I love it! :-D

Random rant*
Another failed relationship
Another fleeting feeling
Another heart broken
This time it was my fault.

*No this isn't about me or any of my late, or current relationship...just came to me so I 'jotted' it down

Marriage

2007-06-09T19:09:00.000-07:00

In Bride and Prejudice, the main character ‘Lalita’ (a traditional Indian girl who loves her country and culture) defends the concept of arranged marriage by pointing out that the divorce rate in the western culture is twice as bad. Since then I have heard the same “justification” for the same concept used as a rebuttal. Rethinking this, however, no one questions the measure of happiness in these kept marriages versus the measure of happiness in the broken marriage of the west. Having lived in a culture where arranged marriages prevailed, I have yet to see a truly happy marriage. Living in a culture where utopia is sought I have yet to see a truly happy marriage as well, but I have also seen the measure of happiness slowly but steadily rise in individuals. The sense of accomplishment, sense of self, self-esteem, pride and the overall measure of contentment in these singles is much higher than those in bound marriages.

Relationships (usually) tend to have a dependent and a supporter (the bread winner.) There is one party that needs or wants the other more than the second party- a soft and a strong, a meek and a powerful, a giver and a receiver. Marriages lasted longer in our grandparent’s era and before the woman’s rights movement not because men and women loved their spouses, but because each had a defined role. Each gender stuck to that role and being that there was always one (typically the female) who needed assurance of survival and comfort, that person would give into the opinions and wants of the other (usually the male.) Sure, one can choose to continue a marriage that is dead, depressed, heart broken, and longing and lonely and downright miserable and be miserable for the rest of their lives, and mourn the 25-50-75 year anniversary instead of celebrate it, but is that what humans- the evolution kings and queens -the ruler of this planet - are after?

A lot of times in these arranged marriages, the woman doesn't even know she has the option to leave the marriage or is so worried about what the world is going to think of her- financially broke- a female- a divorcee- that she continues to live in the marriage. Thus I rest my case about arranged marriages lasting longer than "love marriages" (Side note: The whole concept of a "Love marriage" even existing boggles my mind. Shouldn't there be LOVE in a MARRIAGE to begin with? Isn't that redundant?..apparently not to some people)

I have seen a lot of families go through life without ever knowing what it is like to be truly happy- to be happy on YOUR terms not your parents terms, not the cultures term, not the medias term and definitely not in societal terms. To be happy for yourself -to enjoy life and not get caught up living, stressing and grieving it.Americans have a concept of utopia and we refuse to accept and settle for any less. We have come to a point where people are learning to be independent regardless of gender. Breaking roles may be uncomfortable but it is educational. It is building ones self up to get to the next level- to utilize the ability and potential of a human being-is what we can do to celebrate life itself.

However, this concept is not a factor in these statistics.

So please forgive me while I laugh at the naïve little girl who tries to console herself by point out that "fact" and devoicing the very notion of human feelings and emotions by simply stating statistics, instead of standing up and taking her God-given- heck even LAW given rights as a woman.

Binding Breathing and much a-dos about nothings.

2007-05-30T15:20:00.000-07:00

Few things on my mind today.... just a gist...

Frustration is what grips me right now. I'm having one of those days: I want what I want and I want it now! The expeditious world of consumerism has finally taken over. It hasn't been 24 hours since I ordered my Moto Q phone through Sprint and I want it already. I had an interesting conversation (As usual ;P) with my boss today and he talked about binding desires versus non-binding desires in life. What I have right now is a binding desire. It's not like I am completely cut off from the world..I still have my phone AND laptop at my disposal, however I want to play with my new toy. Never mind I need to be working on all these things that would make life MUCH easier for me in the long run... I wanna play.

My boss-man and I have been talking about meditation a lot (he IS a pharmacist and says "Meditation works better than medication...") Within 5 minutes of me standing next to him he noticed that I was wheezing... one thing led to another, and basically I don't breathe and I get hyped up. I stress out. I need to relax. So! Meditation is whats on my list of things to do. I don't overtly stress out, however this explains why 3 chiropractors- including a part-time body-builder military Drill Instructor- couldn't for the life of them crack my back. They said I was simply too tense. So for now: Breathe.

I have a few things I need to take care of... But why is it that I can only concentrate on ONE thing and get only that accomplished? At work I'm a master-multi-tasker... However once I get done work and my life needs me, I get paralyzed... I become a bonafide moron. Hmm...

I want all these things and time just seems like the biggest bitch right now- I want school to start- I have to wait till Sept. I want to move down south- I have to wail till June 21st. I want to start Rx School- I have to wait for 2 yrs. I want my DL, I have to wait till July for it. I want my car, I have to wait for the flippin place to fix it. I want my phone- I have to wait (PATIENTLY) for it to arrive in the mail. BLLLAAAHHH! If time were physical, I'd be fightin it right now.

Much more to come....but for now, gotta shower! =) toodles!

What goes around comes around...

2007-05-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about acts in general lately. The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny: Karma. There are so many things that tie into this simple and exhausted word. Non-believers of Buddhism also have embraced this ideology. It has, in a way, put fear in some people to do right. Not because one has ethics (God forbid anyone have any ethics these days) or because one likes to do the right thing (what's that?!) It's because of Karma.

This brings me to a few questions. Why does it seem that Karma hits just a few people? There are two kinds of people: people who tend to get fucked over all the time, things just never go right with them no matter how hard they try; sometimes even after they have paid their dues, Karma just seems to show its ugly face over and over. Then you have people who go their whole lives being cocky, cheating, lying, doing every possible thing one should not do and they tend to sail through life. Every day is like a day at the beach. Why is it that Karma doesn't turn its head to them? Why is it just picking on a selected few? Sure, people always say "Oh, their turn will come!" but c'mon- you know as well as I do, that doesn't happen. Not in my lifetime at least. This makes some people go through their life with the motto of "You get yours and I'll get mine." And is it me, or does it seem like selfish people get what they want when they want and never have to deal with my tumor twin aka Karma?

For the believers, a deeper question: Where does God tie in? If Karma avenges all, and if you pay your debts on earth, what does God do? Just sit and watch all the fun? Does s/he 'control' who and what Karma hits? And if all is avenged on earth, why do we even need a God or a heaven for that matter?

An Overdue Ode

2007-05-12T17:48:00.000-07:00

“Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.” –Baz

Ever get the feeling like you are stuck in the desert- you’re mouth is parched dry and you can taste dust and tiny sand particles that you cannot manage to spit out because its so thick in the air that there’s no escaping it? Look out for miles and miles and all you see is sand dunes. Climb one hill only to come up top it and see the millions of hills that laugh at your sinking aspirations. Then, just as the mixture of fatigue and desperation sets in and you’re about to relinquish all hope of survival, an angelic glow revives your soul.

I was once told that I should consider myself lucky if I ever have even one true friend. About three years ago I realized I just met my own 'angelic glow.' After alienating myself from the rest of the world for about two years, I found myself lonely, sad, with nothing to call my own. It felt very empty - much like being in that never-ending desert. Then, almost on cue- like she knew all along-even after two years of estrangement… Natasha called me. I’ve been friends with Tash for almost 6 years now and while we’ve had our minor contentions, it is inarguable that she is a true friend.

Tash has seen me through the worst of my life and at my happiest yet. Tash, I’ve seen you grow from that excited, apprehensive freshman- ready to take on college, through the RU screw, RU pride, boys, men, hurtful acquaintances and lovable ones- and you’ve handled every challenge thrown at you with the utmost grace and conviction. We’ve seen each other through our carefree youth as freshmen and sophomores, through the uncomfortable circumstances brought through break-ups among friends, through break-ups and make-ups (God knows the amount of make-ups! Haha) and through the hard times we’re going through right now. Even through this, you’ve managed to put your problems aside just to listen to mine. You know when I just need a ear and when I need a kick in my ass to get me going and when I need a hug. You have never passed judgment on me and despite what I’ve thought of you and the times I have judged you, you stayed my friend with arms wide open- just in case I needed a hug. You've been ever supportive of all my decisions- even the ones you didn't agree with. Through these years, you’ve been my ear, my shoulder, my arms, my heart and my head. You’ve taken care of me and you’ve defended me. And while I did say “Thanks” I never really took the time out to say Thanks!

I know it seems like things are in the shitter right now and porta-potties have been better taken care of than us (Hey, I saw those pics ;) lol) But I know we both will come out gems. It has been said that diamonds are formed under conditions of extreme heat and pressure for some period of time. Big diamonds we will be!! Know that you will forever have a special place in my heart no matter where life takes us, no matter how far apart life takes us. I will work hard to bridge that gap between geography and lifestyle to be closer to you ;)

Psychology, Predictability, Rules, Functions: Making hay when the sun shines.

2007-05-08T05:17:00.000-07:00

Math. Why do so many children (and surprisingly adults) fear it? It is almost treated as a disease and this disease infected my life starting out like a minor bump- as a questionable subject to becoming a dread- to blowing up to a full fledged tumor- to fear and from there on I just plain avoided it. Almost 10 years later, I decided to give it an honest try and…I love it. Why?

Fine Print vs. Math: In math, there is no “backing out” like with people. In math, there are a set of rules and regulations. No fine print. Never a fine print. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to hate fine print. People, despite their promises, are unpredictable. Especially when people are in ‘power,’ the possibility of fine print is endless. This is where math becomes my solitude. One can get engrossed in the intricate workings of this immense system and the rules don’t change. All your work and efforts won’t go futile at the snap of an indecisive finger. Math is constant. And constant doesn’t always mean stagnant.

Personality vs. Definition: My nature is as eccentric as it is changeable and impulsive. While I love frolicking in the garden feeling the grass under my feet and being entranced in my own world, I like knowing what I can and cannot do. I like knowing my boundaries and what is expected of me. This knowledge will give me the power tools I need to drill myself a foundation that will not vacillate due to cursory forces- be it people or situations. In a way, I am as “cancerous” a Cancer can get when it comes to situations that would affect me and me alone- ever changing- but I’m the complete opposite when someone else’s life and feelings come into play. Why? Because I have yet to come across someone who actually means what they say… and I know how frustrating that can be.

You know how they say "One's true character is revealed in times of disparity..." I say"One's true integrity is revealed in times of sovereignty."

The Crust

2007-05-05T20:44:00.001-07:00

So it is finally time to make decisions. I know it’s a little late in life, but everyone takes time in doing his or her share of growing up. While I may not have succeeded in a few parts of life, I have however, succeeded in other parts few can say they have. I’ve gone through most of my life being sub-par. Feeling numb almost. Any situation was dealt with an apathy most might find appalling. I don’t say this today with regret- since it bought up many meaningful conversations with two of my closest friends. I can’t say, to this day, that I have experienced what it is to love another human being, or to be in so much pain (emotionally) that it hurts. Or to have so much joy in my ‘heart’ that it’s almost unbearable. Or to truly be affected by news that does not directly pertain to me. Do not confuse this with selfishness.I know it’s not because I have done things that prove otherwise and my friends know otherwise. Which brings me to question- Is it that I do “feel” but that feeling is so fleeting that I keep searching for more? Or is it that I am just numb from dealing with life with so much apathy for so long, tucking away emotions that were anger, guilt, belittlement, sadness, disappointment that the only thing I feel is rage and anger? Not to say that my childhood was bad- in fact- it was sub-par. I then read somewhere that in some situations the brain sends signals to one’s body to emotionally “shut-down” if the information given to it is too much to handle. Could it be that after dealing with so many instances of “fuck it… such is life” my emotions have been permanently “shut down?” But what about anger? It seemed for a long time- even when I was away in college- it was the only emotion that gave me some satisfaction that I could feel. It was the only feeling that was deep enough to quench the thirst that has for so long parched my body. I talked to many people I know ...about feelings and such, and most shy away from such topics mostly because it makes them uncomfortable. Could it be because they feel just as much as I do, but go with it because that’s what they are ‘supposed’ to feel and act and react? And questioning it or even deep conversations about it stir up questions or uneasiness that leads them into unfamiliar territory and this they do not or can not deal with? I am still left wondering.

This now, brings me to the dreaded issue- TRUST. Trust: The reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety etc. of a person or thing. Confidence. During one of my many such “meaningful” conversations with W, I realized that in my growing up I haven’t really trusted anyone. This ties into my “fuck it…such is life” comment. Whenever I was ‘let down’ I was always took the “fuck it…such is life” route. I cannot say I have done any growing since. Or maybe this is part of the “growing.” He gave me a gem of an advice. He said I was on the right track. Morbid as it may sound, I have yet to be hurt. Recently, I found out that a certain person has been extremely duplicitous about a few things and this is affecting me first hand. It hurt very little due to the nature of the closeness in our relationship (or lack there of now.) But I expect people to do this. Nothing in life has come easy for me (partly this was my own doing and partially ..."Fate...?") and I know as long as I am placing myself in certain situations, it never will. But I do know I have me I can count on. I know my trials, my wisdom, my knowledge, my privation, my familiarity; my tribulations are going to be mine. I know I can count on a very few externals ever falling into place (I mean, come on, when do they ever?!) And when I do get to the spot where I intend to be in a few years, the success is going to be mine because the trials, the wisdom, the knowledge, the privation, the familiarity...were all mine and mine alone. The people who presume to know me need to take another look. While I may seem reclusive there are few things that do go past me. In the end what you say, comes right back to me, crumbling the narrow path we had remaining.

P.S. Please do not call me up asking me about who the person is or “what’s that all about!?” If you read this and feel guilty, it may as well be about you. lol

GoldenSoul

Warning: October is Debbie Downer month!

Eat, Pray, Love. My own version.

It's been a while...

Anger and frustration

30 things to do before I turne 30 revisited

So whats your stance?

Life is such...

Fitness n such

Lonely

Fears

Thank You

Rant....

ahh...

Random Randoms

10:18

Inner conflict

I write in fear...I write nonetheless...

R.I.P. King of Pop

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It is...

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Song I'm currently feeling...

Something...somewhere...

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Untitled

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Re: Sudan

Broken Wings

Education

By yours truly

Ain't it funny

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In good faith...

The Epidemic of Allergies.

Tagged

I think I can...I think I will!

Geekdom in all it's glory! :)

It all aches...

Face Off

Giving it up

HAPPY NEW YEAR:)

Subsistence of a woman

And I Wonder ....

I miss...

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Icon

I often have questions...seldom the answers

Tis the season....

Some of my work....

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Golden soul, stripped soul

***NOT my writing*** but I loved it....

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Love is

She beat me to it....

my familiarity with the unfamiliars...

That friend

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Sometimes

30 things to do before 30 :)

6th of the month

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Doing the right thing...

To be 27

More frustration

Baffled

Yet another day of self-discovery...

Marriage

Binding Breathing and much a-dos about nothings.

What goes around comes around...

An Overdue Ode

Psychology, Predictability, Rules, Functions: Making hay when the sun shines.

The Crust

NOT my writing but I loved it....