Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Eat, Pray, Love. My own version.

I am as much a perfectionist as I am a cancerian, so I have to look at things, analyze it, examine it, study it and then sleep on it (and most of the times, I'll wake up the next day to do more analyzing and examining.) This is how I operate in almost any situation. I like to know what I am getting into. I can't just dive into an unknown and study it as I go along. Nope. The very thought of it sends me gasping for air, needing an Ativan STAT. I think This is my biggest weakness.
I feel lost lately. I have all these mixed feelings about where I am, who I am, who I am meant to be... sometimes one feels right, sometimes the very same thing makes me want to scream and run off into a distance where no one knows me. I feel like there are parts of me that are dying. I don't want them to die, however, I know its not humanly possible to be all of that, add on new roles and still keep on trucking like it comes naturally. Maybe its me- I challenge every thing that society tells me (I never said I win, mind you.) Sometimes I win, sometimes society does. The up side of it is, that in either situation, I'm never disappointed because I know I tired, and I proved to myself one way or the other.
Currently the person that I am-- is so different from where I started. Some parts of it are good, the others, I (and everyone around me) could do without. I feel like certain situations have caused me to have baggage that I do know exists, but I haven't worked on cutting them loose. This, in turn, has become a baggage that I carry around daily, literally. As the figurative baggage piled on, the literal did too. The bigger the baggage, the more mean I became. I mean, the wild shrew in me is definitely ALL me, however I remember being sweet and carefree. I remember smiling and laughing a lot. I remember that the wild shrew would only surface when necessary and it would stun the people that evoked the wild shrew because they always thought of that me as the sweet, carefree girl. But the wild shrew would go back into hiding until needed. Now all that is left is the Wild Shrew. And while I know exactly how I got to this place, I'm not sure why I never stopped myself from becoming a permanent resident.
This brings me to the Eat, Pray, Love title. I saw the movie and first I was kinda like "That's a cool movie." Fast forward a few months later... I started to think about my journey and I realized I had to watch it once more. {I mean, the movie itself is not an epiphany or anything. And I think the end of it was crap. HAHA! I mean, "Sometimes to lose your balance for love, is balance" is not telling me much about balance itself. XD (Yes, I need to be spoonfed about such things.) And again, I refuse to believe that I need to lose my balance for love. }
ANYHOO! While Julia Roberts and the vein in her forehead spend all that money to go to Italy, India and Indonesia (did the airline charge her an extra seat for that vein and teeth? :-P) I was already thinking about the balance of things. I believe this is the root cause of the Wild Shrew's permanent appearance, disappearance of my sweet, carefree self, my general unhappiness and the 3 grey hairs I found on my head that I have so lovingly named after my M. I have to find a balance. And I've never taken the time to do so. Heck I haven't even thought about what is THE most important for me, versus what is important, but not as important :-P. {I think I need to buy the entire section of Borders Self-Help Books ...oh. wait. Borders died. wahhhh!!}

SO, I've come up with these categories: Cannot live without (I) ....Important to have once a month (II)... Important to have every so often(III)...Have to do for life/work commitments (IV).
Here are the list of what's important to me and where they fit into the list:

  • Volunteer (locally) III

  • Volunteer in Africa with Dr. Mukwege I (I say this as numero uno because I know this is something I HAVE to do, albeit not daily, but once a year or so. I cannot imagine life without going there every so often)

  • Workout I I become a different person when I'm not gym-bound.

  • Cook/ Clean/ Duties of a gf/momma-figure II. (I rated this a II because I feel like it has to be a good balance. As much as I love my M and the little one, I feel like there has to be a clear definition of ME first. The cleaning /cooking/duties come naturally with the love, however I don't think its something that DRIVES my life/fulfills all my goals in life. Ya know?)

  • Putting time in for Make-up/ presentation of self II. I rate this II as well, because while it is something that I'd like to do, I don't think it defines me. I'm not the go-to-girl for presentations because I am who I am. I know it is important but I also know I can live without makeup :-P (One of my ex-bosses threatened to call TLC's "What Not To Wear" show on me! That was almost a decade ago so don't worry, I'm MUCH better now and do take the time to get myself together XD)

  • Study/ Learn new things I. It's just a part of me. I'm a nerd. ;) I NEED to learn new things constantly- if not I feel like I am stagnant. That my brain is melting, rotting, wasting away!

  • Keep up with my RN-giri Toss up between I and IV. Mainly because my patients deserve it and because I need to be the best ;) but also because it is necessary to keep my lic. :-P

  • Be around my girls/guys! Friendships and Reunions II. I know this should be a I. And if I was living close to my peeps, it'd be a I! BUT I'm approx 14 hour drive/ 2 hour flight away from them so I have to make sure my wallet can handle it. Now while I physically don't go to them every month, I do need to talk and rejuvinate myself by at LEAST talking to them on the phone/chat. They bring life to my life ;)

  • Nice-ities of life (The House, The Car, The typical things WOMEN want lol!) III Face it, it'd be rad to have, but I'm not going to be upset if I don't have it. I need a car that'll get me from point A to point B {now if that car happens to be a Lexus, WOOHOO! But till then, my 97 "Mama Dean" (you can imagine the condition of the car if I've named her that) will do just fine!} BUT What I do need though (and I'll go ahead and number this a I is ONE room in the house that's just MINE.) Call it whatever you want. I feel like the house, whether I do decorate it the way I want or M and I compromise and decorate it to both of our liking, is going to be used by all family members. So if the M (who has already claimed the basement) gets the basement as a place of solace, I should at least get one room that I can call my place of solace.

  • Have a PARTNER I This is one of my top priorities-- not so much the "Have a" part..but the "PARTNER" part. I'll be happy single- I've been. (Actually, one of the times that I've been happy and the most myself was when I was single.) My relationship status does not define who I am. BUT I also know that IF I have to be with someone, that person better be a PARTNER in a true sense. People say that a 50-50 relationship does not exist. I challenge that every day. M and I work at it everyday. We may not be THERE yet, but we're certainly closer to it today than we were yesterday. I cannot and will not settle for any less. Thankfully, my M knows this too. ;)

  • Dogs and Cats and sundry Pets I I have lived with pets all my life. I am a part of them just as much as they are a part of me. :) (I love animals. A lot more than I love humans. Sorry :-P)

  • Volunteer for Animals- Best Friends or something to the sort II I've wanted to do more with animals (at one point I had enquired to be an Animal Cop in NYC) I've always wanted to impact the animal world somehow.... just don't know how yet! Again, although I don't travel to Utah monthly, I'm hoping while I'm not there, I'm doing something to make a difference in an animals life each month.

  • Church!! I It's something I HAVE to do. My beliefs and my values aren't something I can compromise on. Praying daily and mulitple times helps me get through the day :)

  • Go out to places that make ME happy II Being that my M and I have COMPLETELY different tastes in music, I realized I've been mildly (I use the term liberally here)miserable because we've mostly been going to places that play his kinda music. While I'm not completely miserable when there, I do miss .. me. I miss being able to dance the night way, just let go and be happy. Music makes me happy. (Music that I like, that is!)

  • Write/Read/ sundry hobbies III Because while they do make me who I am, it doesn't define me completely. I do need to go back to reading, writing etc. once in a while, but on a typical day, I don't YEARN to do so.

  • Travel III Again, I'd love to travel all over the world and see places and just vacation in general (who doesn't?!) It's something that'd be nice to do once in a while. But I cannot just completely cross it off my list of " Things I'll be happy with never doing ever!"

YEP! That's my list. Now I have to work on keeping this list (in order of priority) in my head and balance my life ;)