So, I've been away, accomplishing various things for the past few months (okay, so may be I was away for more than just a "few" months, but I'm here now :-P) and I honestly thought those accomplishments were helping me move forward. I was right- in a way. I am now a professional with real things to lose. I mean I did have things to lose back then- in terms of family and friends, however, I knew that my family and friends would never forsake me and accept me for who I am. Before, my fears consisted of never succeeding/failing, never moving forward with my life, never attaining those 'milestones' that seem to come to 'normal' humans so easily (for me, each of them was a struggle!) Now, however, I fear losing- my license to practice, my job, my future, my life... I thought I was getting a grip of being me and just as I was, just knowing that I have things to lose makes me just that much more scared. And I hate living in fear- you know? I mean who wants to constantly live in fear?! Paranoia gets the best of me you see. I have no reason to fear any of those because I am meticulous and good at what I do (not to toot my own horn :-P) and I know my future and my life are in MY own hands and no one elses. However, how does one knock off that annoying, nagging lil voice that pops up in your head every now and then?
Anyhow, so I've promised myself to be more supportive of myself and stop beating myself up if I am not the first one to 'call' a rare disease when I see something on TV/movie. Although, the feeling is SOOOOO cool when you know something that takes others a few minutes to figure out :-P
On a completely different note, now that I have a taste of having something real to lose, I have to question- is it truly better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I mean I'm thinking about this and... ok, if you're talking about a break-up of some sorts (be it because of cheating, lying, breaking hearts etc etc) I can understand- but what about loving someone... loving them so much that you cannot bare to think about life without them, spending your entire life together, growing together, changing together, growing old together, knowing each other to the core- and then that person dies before you get a chance to croak- I am not sure if my heart could handle that. I mean I'd be depressed every. day. How can one move forward from there? How can you not breakdown and just...give up??
Now this is only from a taste of finding out about how it feels like- I cannot imagine spending an entire lifetime with that someone and then all of a sudden, one day- they are gone. This is only from experiencing a tid-bit of it and not being able to even think of life without them- I was watching UP (yes, the cartoon, shut up) and to see that old man lose his love- it was heartbreaking! So that makes me question- all that pain.. all that anguish that love brings... is it worth it?? (haha, no no there's no way I will relinquish my love and walk away, I'm just pondering....)